Holidays and recovery

So as a few of you know I'm attempting recovery again. This time I'm armed with a healthy relationship and a meal plan of fruits and veggies.  I'm hopeful but it's still really hard some days. I ate a doughnut this morning and I'm both beating myself for it and telling myself it's okay.  It's a strange feeling. 

Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm in a weird place even without my ED. I'm not missing my ex at all but I am missing my old apartment and feeling secure with money. I miss the feeling of having a family.

Didn't mean to worry you!

So hello everyone! Long time no post! I missed you all dreadfully! How are you how is life? Well I suppose since you can't respond via this post I will have to get to talking about me... I am terribly sorry for potentially boring you to death.

I got down to 129.2, then I promptly fucked it up royally and binged back up to 135.6. Which is where I am now. My new *insert random title here that is not boyfriend/fuck buddy, sorry y'all but I don't know what to call him* is really cool about it all and he gently encourages me to eat without putting pressure on me. It's a huge change from what I had before. He calls me beautiful and makes me feel delicate and small. It makes me so happy. I know it's stupid to do this. I keep jumping from person to person trying to find someone who makes me happy when I can't stay happy because I am a constant disappointment to myself. Today I am liquid fasting, I am going to try to do this until Thursday because I will be at my final day at my old job. I want to be as small as possible for the celebration party that night. And straight fasting means I wont be able to drink coffee and I will straight up die without coffee. No lie here kids, dead as a door nail in the ground never getting back up. So it is coffee and prunes for me until I hit 130 again hopefully by Thursday. Five pounds three days... IT IS TOTALLY DOABLE. I AM NOT CRAZY.

I really like him though. And I want to be perfect for him. Which leads me to my new tattoo! I now have a tattoo that reminds me everyday of my goal. It says perfect over a diamond. I can be perfect. I totally can. Now though I have to go I am about to be late to work!

Much love to my lovelies!

Miss Sinister

I dont eat I don't sleep

I just spent 20 minutes purging my dinner.

Matt slept with my friend. She let him in.

I'm just glad she is so fat so I can know for damn sure I was the best he ever had.

Fuck food. I'm going to starve myself to death. I hope you are happy now.

Starving on,

Miss sinister

131.2

I find myself wondering what a healthy relationship is, I don't know what to do in one even if I had one to be in. I find it frustrating because I want to be happy but how can I be happy if I don't even know how to be happy by myself?

Needless to say I ended things with Hansel. It does suck but he was constantly triggering me to binge, and ending this relationship has given me just one more reason to not eat. I'm down to 131.2 as of this morning. A few minutes ago I weighed myself and I was 131 [after a bowel movement]. The majority of my diet these days is coffee and prunes, I don't see the need to eat much else to be honest. Last night I did eat a tiny bit of Alfredo chicken pasta but luckily it was not enough to make me gain today. And it got my mom off my back for not eating at the house at all this week.

In other news I just watched the “Starving in Suburbia” movie and I am unimpressed. It did to some extent trigger me because she got to 115 pounds, that is my current goal weight for those of you who don't know, and then decided to hit 103. I worry that I am doing that already. I look in the mirror and I think 16 pounds is not enough to like how I look. But I know I am not allowing myself to get below 105. THAT IS THE SMALLEST I WILL GO. NO BULLSHIT I NEED TO STOP IF I HIT THAT! But can I? Is it possible that me myself and I have hit the land of no return? That I'm back in the ED world unable to escape? I don't think so. I think I just need to remain in control and keep pushing because lets face it in the end all I need to do is hit my goal weight and I will be totally okay.

Nope that doesn't sound delusional at all does it.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Anyhow I am getting a new job in Animal Control I think I mentioned that already, and I am a little scared of what will happen when I actually start the job. I mean my medication is going to cost a small fortune for three months with no insurance and I am unwilling to get off of it or I will gain weight like crazy... But the good news is once I am settled in I will be able to afford to move out again. And my good friend Dev is willing to move out with me. We both want to get a house and its going to be awesome, a real yard and everything. :] Thus far today I have eaten a total of 40 calories. I am not hungry at all but I need to get online to post this so I am going to have to go get coffee here and actually post this online. It's sad that I am only willing to up my calorie intake for the sake of having coffee. Dear lord I am mentally ill. >.<'

I have more bills to pay than I do money to pay them with at the moment. It's driving me totally bat crap crazy. Anyhow I am currently at the coffee shop and hopefully I will soon be paying all my bills. I know I'm half broke already what good is it to pay bills now? I guess I am really just trying to keep my head above water. Not having Matt around makes life a little harder financially but over all I think it's better still. I might struggle but at least I don't have anyone calling me a fat cow anymore. Who wants to be triggered all the time anyhow? I think it's bloody miserable! Although I kid you not there is a couple of men next to me talking about losing weight and while they both need to, [obviously they are not small guys I promise I am not being a judgmental whore or anything] I feel weird being able to over hear them because I'm in a tank top and shorts and I feel gigantic, like a giant whale really, and here they are happy to have a little more wiggle room in their britches. I find it disturbing in a way because I remember when I started just trying to eat healthy that I was ridiculously happy to have my clothes growing looser. I was so excited to have people complimenting my weight loss and here I sit now drinking my coffee extremely slow and contemplating tossing it because of the calorie content. I mean I could walk two miles and get rid of these calories I don't know what is wrong with me today. I miss having someone to talk to about losing weight because I really can't start telling my friends and family about the agony I feel over being forced to eat a cookie, or even a spoonful of pasta. I'm not skinny enough to be sick so I don't feel right talking about my illness. It's funny how that works... Once I am skinny enough to qualify as sick I know I won't want to talk about it for fear of getting caught.

This has been happening to me more and more though, I start to feel okay and then drama happens and I can't even contemplate eating because I don't want to get fat. I tell myself I could eat if I wanted to but could I really? If I decided to quit today and go back into recovery is this something I could put down and never go back to? My pride says yes but my history says otherwise. This isn't the first time I have dealt with the idea of this. I mean really at the end of the day is this an illness or a choice?

I remember when all of this started for me I was making conscious choices to reject food. I remember thinking to myself 'If I don't eat that I can prove how strong I am.” That was a choice I made followed by a thousand other choices that eventually led me here. Now I can't even begin to explain the irrational fear that takes hold of me at the thought of going to a restaurant. Or GOD FORBID going grocery shopping; when I have to go it fills me with such anxiety I can't handle it I usually either buy something horrible and binge and then purge it. I know when I was making these choices I never wanted to get here. I never wanted to have panic attacks when people touch me because I don't want them to feel my fat. I didn't choose this part of this disease. I did idolize anorexics though, I wanted to be skinny and thin and have that kind of self control. I wanted that part of it dreadfully. Well here I am sick as hell losing my hair pounding vitamins and painting my nails everyday so that they wont break. When I work out I get chest pains, my blood work looks like shit and even my doctor is telling me not to lose anymore weight. But I still hate the way I look. I still can't stand myself and now I'm ruining everything I touch and it's only making the self loathing worse. I want to shrink until I can't be seen anymore. I want to show everyone what I can do and how well I can control myself. It's sick I'm mentally ill I know that but did I choose this?

I fucking hope not.

Miss Sinister

135.8

Starve lose it, binge gain it back. That is the hell of EDNOS. I feel so happy, so confident then back too a whale the very next day.  Can I break through this epidemic, is it even possible?

I feel like I'm just not trying hard enough.  I have eaten 100 calories in prunes today and I plan on eating some popcorn tonight.  I'm going to buy the fat free kind and buy T the regular kind. Hopefully he won't get weird and fight with me about eating out of separate bowls. I met T a few weeks ago and he is a nerd like me. I'm introducing him to firefly and he seems to like it. Which makes me really happy. He knows nothing about my ED and I plan on keeping it that way. The less he knows the better. I am never telling another soul about this,  I learned that lesson the hard way. Honestly as long as I'm below 300 calories today I'm happy.

Recently though people have been asking me not to lose any more weight.  It's making me nervous because I am trying too break into the 120s this week and I plan on dropping down to 115 by the next month at the latest.  That is if I can keep the bingeing under control.  That shit needs to stop asap. I'm worried I won't stop after I hit 115. I don't want to feel out of control but who am I kidding when was the last time I felt in control? It has been a while.

I broke up with Hansel and then we got back together. Now I'm not really sure where we stand. Its frustrating because I want to be happy and he does that for me, but sometimes he is jealous and demanding and he refuses to trust me. I am not a cheater never have been. The closest thing I have done to cheating is cuddle people. I'm a cuddle whore so sue me. But we never see each other and they can't afford to treat the bed bugs at his house so I risk re-infecting myself every time I see him.  This fucking sucks.

I heard that I got the job I interviewed for in Houston.  It's an hour drive which is going to suck big time but I'm excited to say after a few weeks I'll have enough money to move out. Hopefully I can move closer to Houston, maybe even back to The Woodlands. I'm going to start looking at houses to rent while I wait to hear if I passed my background check.

I love you all.  Take care of yourselves!

Miss Sinister

133.4

Binge weight is finally gone thank god.

137.6

Binged my self back up to 137.6 pounds so I'm on prunes and liquids only today.

I'm going too try to keep it up till Monday at least.

I have found a direct connection to my weight and my view on my self worth. The more I weigh the worse I feel. I know that's common in people with eating disorders but I wish I was different.

Silly us.

133.6

Fuck.

Hansel

Every time I go out I hear about his ex...

And how much smaller she was than me.

Fuck it. Who cares? I don't.

Who am I kidding. I fucking hate this shit.

133.8

<3

134.4

So today is the day I attempt to break my self inflicted curse. No bingeing. No stupid mistakes.  Just thinspo and hopefully a protein shake for dinner. That way if I am extremely lucky I can hit 133 by tomorrow. The goal is to hit 130 by Friday.  That way I am only 15 pounds from my goal weight. I figure I'm going to take this one step at a time. I feel like five pounds a week is not an unreasonable goal.

Honestly though I would be comfortable with any weight loss no matter what the number; a loss is a loss.

Despite all that I almost totally missed a period. I only bled during sex, which really pisses me off.  Why the hell am I only going to bleed when we fuck? I miss fun sex immensely. Like more than you will ever understand.  Also I talked to Hansel and he is going to get rough with me now. I am beyond excited. I have replaced food with sex and it makes me ecstatic. Now if I could get back to the place where shit doesn't go wrong every single day I could be happy again.

Being happy about something other than weight loss or sex is a strange concept to me. I just find happiness in sex; getting off is what fuels me to keep going when shit gets hard in life. It is like when I wake up and the scale goes down in the morning.  It becomes instant happiness. Gives me the will power to keep going. To stay strong.

I feel mighty today.  Like I'm the best thing since unsweetened almond milk. I can not wait to hit the 120's, it's going to be a bloody miracle.

Much love lovelies!

Miss Sinister

135.5

Totally weighed myself after a huge binge and a run in 98 degree heat so I don't really trust it. Today I am negative in my calories though which feels pretty good. I am really tired and contemplating turning today into a two day water and prunes diet. Although I might just do liquids for a few days until I drop past 130. I need to break past this curse. I totally admit it is self inflicted but it needs to end asap.

I will not be cursed. No way not now not ever.

My curse is that every time I hit around 135 pounds I binge and I ruin it. I'm 5 pounds from my first goal weight. What the fuck breaks in my head that just has to fuck it up for the rest of me. It's exhausting.

I'm not even going to get into what keeps happening with Hansel. Okay I am lying you all know I can not keep my mouth shut. We cannot stop fighting because he hates my ED. I think it's because anytime he starts to feel guilty for anything he reacts very violently to it. He was just fine to try to talk to me to get his feelings across until I started crying. Then he feels bad and starts yelling. It's not like I can help it though,  he makes me feel like a fuck up. Like I'm failing at being a normal girl. Which I totally am,  but who wants to be normal? 

I'm striving for perfection not to be average. Average is what, in my mind at least, most normal people are. Some of them are morbidly obese some of them are freakishly thin or muscular; but most of them are a boring average. Kind of like me now.  I'm average for my height and weight and it is killing me.  I don't need to be underweight I just want to hit the bare bottom of the healthy weight limit. I want too scrape the edge and dance on the line. Is that so wrong? 

Maybe that's the real reason I can't be happy. Perfection to me is wanting to be so thin I'm weightless. I want my boyfriends to be able to pick me up and not breathe heavily because I'm to heavy.  I want to be super skinny. Not just thin but almost too thin. It's a dangerous line to walk and I think it is going to be the cause of Hansel and I not spending much more time together.  I sense a break up coming and I am usually right.  Sucks though because he is really cute and he really goes out of his way to please me during sex. (Which is freaking amazing no guy I have ever been with has ever actually cared about that before.)

Speaking of sex; the car sex is getting boring as hell. I miss fucking in a bed where I can be tied up and thrown around. I really need to change the subject here I'm getting images in my head that won't leave my brain alone. Hansel told me last night the reason he won't do BDSM stuff is because he weont stop if I call a safe word.  That scares me because if you call a safe word and they don't stop it's rape.  That's you saying no and them not stopping. I love BDSM I don't know if I can have a happy sex life without at least a little of it in there. But I really don't want to go play danger with a man who is so much bigger than me. I guess I am fucked. Just not how I would like.

Much love!

Miss Sinister

135.4

I am sorry for neglecting you all I am a terrible person and I fully admit it. Moving on I gained back almost a pound when I started eating some solids again (and from a binge but I will get into that later). I think I might just start randomly doing liquid only days at least once a week. BECAUSE THEY TOTALLY WORK AND I FEEL SUPER ENERGISED! Or thatnmight just be the coffee. Lol

Today I ate prunes (100) and coffee with powder creamer (50) and I plan on ingesting water only until dinner. However I do have my fiber one bar just in case my sugars get to low. I definitely do not want to pass out again.

Weirdly enough I can not stop thinking about sex... it is on my mind almost 24/7 and it is a little disconcerting considering I just got laid last night. Honestly though it's having sex in a bed that I miss the most. Bed sex is the best. It's better than wall sex. And I don't say that often. ;) Hansel has not been able to spend the night in what feels like forever so we are reduced to sordid midnight meetings for car sex. Definitly not my favorite.  Maybe I should trade him out but the trouble is I like him. He makes me happy. He also makes me fearlessly insecure at times.

Last night he triggered me so badly its almost unbelievable. Him and his friends got onto the topic of eating a lot of food and they said I'm a tank when I want to be. (Aka when I am binge eating) then he said: "Oh I know she eats like a fat kid! She ate like six times on my birthday!" I had to stop my self from saying some thing I would regret later. Then his buddy who has no idea about my ED said: "just be thankful it falls off of you so quick or you would be huge. You are lucky you stay so skinny."

I AM LUCKY TO BE SKINNY?! ARE YOU FUCKING  KIDDING ME?!

I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to so badly its insane that I managed to stop myself. I wanted them to know the hell I go through to stay where I am. Let alone the struggle of getting thinner. I want them to understand why what they said is not okay, I don't want them to trigger any one else like this ever again. I fucking went home and ate my entire kitchen. Thank god I gave away those cookies yesterday, because let me tell you my mind was on a mission to destroy everything I have been working for in some stupid attempt to prove them right. I can not believe how stupid I am.

Moving on I know I'm incredibly abnormal and definitely a little broken and insecure but I'm still loveable right? I totally can be a horrible fat ugly person and still find love. I can still be loved and love someone else. I mean it's not crazy to want to be loved right?

Who am I kidding though, only the perpetually beyond fucked up would love me.

134.8

So today started well, and yesterday was phenomenal! You have no idea how proud I am to say that I was all liquids only for at least three days this week, technically I am on day four of my challenge but day two ended with me being force fed because I kinda sorta passed out while driving because my blood sugar got to low. Joyous of days.

So in better news in being better prepared for sugar lows I am bringing an extra protein shake to work and I also have an Emergency Fiber One bar that has like 7 grams of sugar just in case I start to feel sick.

I am happy to report that I have lost more weight again. I'm down to 134.8 today and I did insanity yesterday and I will be doing it again tonight. I need to stop skipping days so I don't get behind again. I'm already a whole day behind and it is so fucking hard to do two in one day.

Kill me now please.

But seriously y'all this liquid fast makes it beyond hard to workout. I am exhausted as hell and I can't wait to sleep at night.

In other news Hansell is acting really funny and I dislike it. I don't know how to feel around him. I really like him but I find myself putting him at a distance to keep myself safe. Funny how that works yeah?

Anyhow I am off to work now so I have to go!

Much love ladies!

Miss Sinister

137

[Turns out I forgot to actually publish my post from yesterday and I apparently just saved it as a draft instead. :/ So that is why there are two posts today with different weights! Sorry!]

My first day of liquid fasting went great I was not really hungry at all and I got through my fit test for Insanity with good results! Some of them even improved on my first time through! So I'm really excited about it! Hopefully building my muscle mass up again will have me burning more calories and as such I can get better fat burning results. I wouldn't mind weighing 130 pounds of I were pure muscle, because then I would be a size 2-4 and I think I can handle that. If not at least the skin will tighten up some more.

Today has started off very stressful though, I am totally broke.  Which is great since I'm not eating but it sucks since I can't buy anything I need.  Like laundry soap. 

Oh well it will always get better!

Much love my lovelies!

<3 Miss Sinister

140.4

I'm starting a liquid fast today, I am hoping to keep it going at least until Friday. Although I'm wanting to do two to three weeks at least. I am back on MPA and back to my unhealthy habits. It's funny how I spiral so badly, it drives me totally crazy. I need the control of restricting it keeps me sane, and doing this: 'Fuck it I don't care' bullshit and binging is killing me. I hate not feeling in control of my life and I can't stand how this entire epidemic is making me feel like a failure.

I tried talking to my boyfriend about it and he doesn't understand.  Not that I blame him he wants me to recover. The only reason I told him is because we promised to be honest always. (I even wrote a contract its awesome. I might post it up here for y'all to read someday.) I keep wondering if it's possible to have a relationship and have total control of myself at the same time.

140.2

I feel like I'm documenting the mind of an eating disordered metal patient. But the paitent is me and I don't know how to feel about anything. I am going to be starting Insanity again so I'm hoping it's not the start of another binging cycle.  I just quit today; yesterday and the day before I binged myself back up to 140.2 pounds.

I am resisting the urge to punch myself in the face. I need some positive people in my life who are not always throwing food at me. Who don't want to go out to eat all the time or go out drinking. Why cant we have fun that doesn't involve ingesting calories?

Fuck if I know.

?

I am unaware of a feeling more terrible than that of failure. A close second for me would be the feeling of being ignored. Currently I'm feeling both. It's impossible to explain why this bothers me so much. Maybe I really liked him, maybe I was replacing my ex with someone who was there not someone who was good for me, maybe I'm to fucked up to be happy.

Who the fuck knows.

More importantly who cares?

My eating has been erratic at best and chaotic at worst. Looks like I'm getting back to that crazy depressed state of not wanting to eat anything anymore. It drives me crazy that my brain works like this and that I need more than just oxygen in my lungs to survive. I have not been drinking enough water either. 

But who cares right? It's not like you have anyone left that cares about you.

Just deal with it. Cope to the best if your abilities and keep moving forward. 

I'm happy to say I can just stop eating again. My mom isn't triggering me as badly and I can slowly start to restrict and she won't notice just like before.

My parents are fighting non stop  as a result of that I'm wanting to avoid everyone. Unfortunately I still have to work so I cant avoid everything. Its to bad really because I'm starting to hate everything and everyone.  Fun shit.

Stay beautiful, 

Miss Sinister

137.6

Kill me. Just fucking kill me. 

My moms house is infested with bedbugs. Yes that's right you heard it bedbugs. Mother fucking vampiric demons that it just so happens I am allergic to! All of my clothes have to be dried for 15 minutes before they can be worn, because the bugs are living in the walls and the floorboards. Not to mention they hitchhike on your clothes to other peoples homes. That's how the little demons spread!!!

Want to know how I got bed bugs at the house? My booty call/boytoy. He had them at his house and neglected to tell me until they were already here. Now he refuses to take any responsibility for it. I think I need to be done with him now. But the sex is amazing and I really like him. To bad it's going to take three months to make sure my shit is clean and I can't even move until we are 100% sure it is because these bitches will move with you.

I feel like a princess locked in a tower and all the people I was suddenly free to see I'm now locked away from once more. This is the epitome of horrible. I feel like I'm being punished and I don't know what for.

So I'm sleeping on a sofa again and I'm miserable as per my usual. Right when I start to feel like I have a home and I might be okay again, bam drama drama everywhere as far as the eye can see!

My wisdom teeth are being pulled out on Thursday. So tomorrow morning right after my surgery I'm starting a liquid fast. Then on Friday I think I'm going to go out dancing! I miss dancing so much. And drugs I miss drugs too! But I won't be doing any since I'm sober now... And on amoxicillin. I feel like that could seriously fuck up my immune system right now. Although if I got the flu it would help me hit my goal weight! :D

In other sinister news the bed bug exterminater is coming today so hopefully my bed will be safe to sleep in soon. I'm not wanting to get bitten anymore. This has been one nightmare after another and I'm ready for it to be over. All the stress has me doing the insane thing of eating after everyone goes to sleep. I feel like I'm hiding my food intake and it sucks majorly. Did I mention I gained weight again? Yep I'm a fatty.

I did tell my mom off last night and I kinda feel bad about it but I'm a lot happier that she might understand how I feel now. I basically told her that pointing out how much I eat and how often makes me want to not eat at all.  I think she understands now. At least I hope so.

But moving on from all the drama I think god is giving me the sign to move back to California. I asked for a sign and god gave me bed bugs. If that isn't a sign I don't know what is!

I miss my friends and family so much and I'm ecstatic about moving home. <3 

Much love lovelies! 

Miss Sinister

Had a binge day

Yesterday. I ate like a normal girl and I didn't count any calories. Its going to take two days of nothing but water and prunes to get back down to where I was I am sure but I had no time to even check my weight this morning. 

I shit you not I made it from Willis to My work in 18 minutes. For those of you who don't know it takes a normal driver 45 to 50 minutes driving 65-75mph to get to my home from my work. It normally takes me around 30 minutes to get here and I woke up at 9 needing to be here at 9:30. I freaking flew out the door and made it here with two minutes to spare. To be fair I was driving close to 120mph the entire way here. The good news is no cops were out today so I have no new tickets!

I also started my morning terribly I ate 6 Twizzlers left over from binging and Hansell (my blond haired green eyed hero) came and gave me coffee. Which puts me at a grand total of 350 calories for today already. Hopefully I can work my way out of dinner tonight because my jaw is still aching from my wisdom teeth so there is no way I could purge even if I wanted to. Also as a side note even yesterday the urge to purge [i rhymed! XD] was totally manageable. I feel like it maybe it's leaving for good. 

On a side note my binging wasn't totally uncontrollable like it was in the past. I ate 800 calories like usual and then got invited out to dinner and miraculously I accepted it. I ate a BBQ baked potato, which was prolly close to 700 calories some jalepeno poppers, close to 300 calories and then ate Twizzlers at the bar while drinking a total of two drinks. I figure for the day that puts me close to 3000 calories which is a ton for me, but in the scheme of things I figure I can pull off a few 450 calorie days with nothing but prunes water and coffee to flush out my system.

I don't remember if I told y'all this or not but Hansel and I came to an agreement about food, I am going to eat as normally as I can manage around him and he is going to stop pointing out my strange eating habits and my tips and tricks to get out of eating. Also I am not allowed to fast, liquids only or even just water, unless there is a actual reason; like the aniversery of my friend who passed away, or for my religion. And I will eat at least 450 calories every day.  The good news is I can eat however much I want and he won't bitch at me for working out. The bad news is he and his friends are my biggest triggers right now.

He has an ex girlfriend who is a drug addict and the bitch is tall blond and skinny as hell. The reason I mention her is because he hates seeing her out and about since she is 21 and a total bitch whore drama queen from hell. She cheated on him and damn near ruined his life and they only dated for a month. Last night at the bar I thought I saw her and I asked his buddy's girlfriend, who I was sitting at the table with, if it was her and her response was as follows: "No that's not her, she is taller and is blond. She is also skinnier than you." 

         Skinnier than you. 

               Skinnier than you.

                       Skinnier than you.

Oh god those words hit me like a swift  kick to the stomach. I pushed away my coffee and we changed the subject. It made me want to stop eating for the rest of my days; to starve to death and with my last breath ask her if I was skinny enough yet and like the normal person she is she didn't even notice. 

While we were at Walmart getting me coffee and getting the Twizzlers that I shared with everyone (so I wouldn't eat them all); Hansell and his buddy were talking about where we went to eat and I chimed in that the jalepeño poppers and baked potato I ate were really tasty and that they should go there sometime. His friend looked me dead in the face and said: "You just have the heart of a fat kid don't you?" 

            Fat kid.

                 Fat kid.

                       Fat kid.

He wasn't trying to be mean I know that. He didn't mean it like I'm fat I know that. He harps on everyone about everything he is the kind of guy who goofs off and hoops and hollers to make people laugh. He is really a good guy and I do really like him and his girl both of them are good people. But I had to talk myself into eating some of the Twizzlers I just paid for and I suddenly started contemplating if the milk in my coffee was worth drinking. Had I been heading home to finish my binge day in private I would most likely have tossed them both out and gone and purged. I was incredibly lucky my teeth are killing me or I might have purged at the bar.

Now to be fair neither if then know about my ED and Hansell has been a champ in keeping it to himself so my issues are not being broadcasted out to the world. But I have never hated myself more for trying to be a normal girl and live a normal life. I wish I had woken up on time and had time to weigh myself this morning because I know I would have skipped eating today if I had. Tonight I'm going to try to work out some and hopefully I can skip dinner completely. Just writing about this is making me feel anxious.

It's crazy. Totally crazy. Why do people want this? Why did I want this? At one point in my life I idolized the self control that an anorexic has, I idolized anyone with such dedication to their body, it didn't matter to me if that dedication was to healthy habits or not. Now I'm living the life I once coveted and while I relish the feeling of control, I hate the subsequent feelings of panic, jealousy, and self loathing.

Did you know my thighs are touching again? I'm losing muscle mass in my body and it's turning into fat. I need to start working out again and I need to start avoiding all meals unless I'm with family so they won't keep watching me eat. My mom is on full alert and still eating dinner with me, although thankfully she is trying to cook healthier so I won't bitch about eating crap to her. The other day she made meatloaf which was my favorite meal growing up and steamed broccoli. I ate two whole cups of broccoli and they were so soft they didn't hurt my teeth hardly at all. The meatloaf was tough and hard to chew, not to mention there was Sourcrout [how the hell do I spell that?] in it, which is like lettuce except much much harder to chew, and I could barely get it down. My teeth were killing me by the end of it and everyone pitied me so they didn't make me keep eating. It didn't help that my mom asked me to help her make it so I was counting calories in my head and steadily growing more and more horrified as I did so. She used two whole packs of hamburger, two eggs, a can of corn beef, Sourcrout and several heaping handfuls of mixed shredded cheese. It will provide 8-16 servings depending on the size of your slice. This thing was jampacked with calorific monsters of doom. This ED has officially ruined my childhood. 

Speaking of when discussing my teeth with my mom she mentioned when I had braces as a kid if I told her my teeth hurt she would go buy me icecream. My only comment was: "No wonder I was a fat child." She seemd mad I would point that out but who am I to talk? If I had a kid who had spent 9 months in my tummy and ruined my body I would fatten them up too. Not even just to get them back for it but to live vicariously through them while they eat everything in sight. 

Anyhow this post has gotten terribly long so I'm going to end it now.

Much love lovelies!

Miss Sinister

I was so close!

I managed to avoid food all day, right up to dinner where I was force fed almost 900 calories. Major frowns. Most of it was broccoli. I loaded up my plate with tons of veggies and ate really slowly.  Which is aided by the fact that my wisdom teeth are coming in.

I'm in a ton of pain. 

The good news it there is sex in my life again! Yay for me!

134.2

I am as thin as I have been in a good long while, yet I can not stand how I look today. Next time you talk to someone who wants to "catch anorexia" point them towards me. I will light their ass up with so much knowledge you have no idea. In other news I'm 19.4 pounds away from my goal weight. Also I'm still kinda sickly so I won't be eating much or drinking any alcohol tonight which I am sure will help with the weight loss.

Hansell seems okay today but who knows how he really feels. The silly man bottles up everything. 

 I need counseling, I'm rebounding again, but I don't want to stop my weight loss. Joy.

<3

Miss Sinister

136.4

Don't ask me how, I seriously ate like a giant pig the entire time I was sick. Two days of good eating to start losing again? Weird...

Don't ask don't tell yeah?

Do you ever feel like your falling down a well? Like you can't quite get a grip on things and you are terrified of how it will turn out. Life is moving way to fast for me, I can't keep up these days and I feel like I'm losing touch with the things that matter to me. Long story short Hansell and I are fighting. Not just right at this moment but all the time. It feels never ending like the eletricity is on and I'm in the water soaked bath tub gripping a toaster holding on for dear life.

The trouble is this tub is slippery and while I'm not willing to end it all myself the asshole pointing the gun at my temple is telling me it's over. 

What is this, where in constantly get turned down for sex? They tell me I'm good at it so unless every partner I have ever had is a liar I feel like it's time to maybe shut the fuck up and tell me the truth. Personally I think it's just me, I wear people out and they get sick of me. Hansell is just finally getting sick of me. Oh well shit happens I guess here I am getting ready to leave or get left.

It's not scary at all to think about sleeping alone. Just like it's not scary to think that I would just quit eating again. I need to keep looking out for me, call me selfish all you like but I've been broken down and beaten and that's made me stronger. I don't want to eat anymore. When I have eaten today and yesterday it's either been forced or out of habit. Its a habit I need to break. Eating is bad for you.

I made it down to this weight again and I don't know if I can trust my scale. I might buy a different one again. Maybe one that's not digital? It there a brand of scale that actually works well and is super consistent? Who the hell knows.

I really really really want to hit my goal weight. And despite all my bullshit about stoping at 115 I'm not sure if it's enough. My body seems to be growing larger even when my scale is getting smaller. BDD is a terrible thing to have. Because of my scale insessent need to jump my numbers around like a bloody monkey on cocaine my body checking is at an all time high. Hansell hates it and everytime he catches me doing it I can see the look of anger and upset that flickers across his face. It never lasts long but it's always there. And I'm momentarily heart broken until I remember I'm just his rebound anyway and it's not like he plans on sticking around. He doesn't want an eating disordered broken hearted girl on his arm. That's it end of story grow up.

Shit you didn't think you got to be happy did you?

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving Matt. No I don't really love him anymore. Not like I did when I met him, not at all. And no our relationship was at best unhealthy and at worst violent and down right distructive. But maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe I don't get a happy ending, that's why the wrong people keep wanting to keep me around.

Hey God, I know I don't talk to you much anymore not like I should but if you could send me a sign about moving back to cali that would be hella cool. Thanks God!

Good night everyone. I love you all.

Miss Sinister

Food for thought...

I spent some time pondering my banner today and I just realized that I called this blog: 'Eating Recovery'. 

The irony was lost on me until now. Initially I created this blog as a diary of sorts. A place to post my writing and thoughts and feelings, then when I started to really move into losing weight and eating less and less it became a diary for my intake. Then once I actually got happy again it went back to just being a safe place to post about my life. Somewhere no one I actually knew in real life would read it and judge me.

When I actually started recovery the first time I stopped posting completely. I stopped counting calories and blew up to 160 pounds. Then I relapsed and lost 30 in a month. That was when I really lost touch with my eating habits. I started the endless cycle of binging and purging. I started down a bad path, I was honestly as self destructive as I have ever been. Likewise my posting was erratic, I was out of control and you can tell with my writing.

This has less to do with recovering the more I post. I feel like I'm up and down all the time and the only time I really feel better about my life is when I'm in full control of my eating. Maybe that's what I meant by 'recovery'. It's less about actually recovering from a drug or sex addiction or even an eating disorder and more about regaining control. 

I am often baffled when people tell me to make the choice to get better and recover. Since I do technically suffer from EDNOS it's a concept that upsets me. You don't choose to have a disorder, no one would want to deal with the hell that we all go through every day. But on the other hand my need for control fuels my disorder, it makes me want to not eat ever again ever. It's a choice I make every time I turn down food or even when I would binge and purge. Technically speaking it is a choice I wake up and make each day; often several times a day. So which is it: Illness or choice? 

---------

On a separate note I think I'm getting sick and I'm a little pissed off about it. You know the expression starve a fever feed a cold? Well I'm really bad at doing that. I feel like crap at the moment my throat hurts my nose is running. I am freaking exhausted too so I am a clusterfuck of sleep deprivation and sickness inspired drama. I need to get a boyfriend who will come over make me tea and take care of my dogs for me tonight. He could leave in the morning. I would be okay with that.  Perhaps I don't need a boyfriend, I think The term for what I need is a servant. Although I want to cuddle with a warm body so maybe that's wrong too. I guess I need a boy toy, or maybe a male best friend again.

Oh joyous of days me sick is a monster of pain and distortion. 

137.6

I'm so back and forth on eating. I either eat way to much or not enough. It's a common problem amongst the eating disordered and yet I can't seem to keep it under control. It's too bad really, I do try. Honest to god I do but food is evil to me right now. I have managed to convince myself I'm not even hungry anymore. I turned down food at a restaurant yesterday. While everyone else was eating I was laughing and feeling mighty. I did end up drinking a coffee and eating a candy bar once my sugars got to low though so I still felt like a screw up. Oh joyous of days!

On a totally tmi subject I love prunes. 5 of them is 100 calories and they help you poop regularly. (Be careful how many you eat though or you could end up with the runs!) Seriously though it's amazing, if you don't eat them you are missing out. I actually really like the taste of them and considering they are a natural laxative that doesn't screw up your body I feel good about indulging in them. It's like a magical fruit!

My puppy is looking better today and I'm so glad. I can not explain the blind terror I felt at seeing her pinned under an Akita who was at least 50 pounds heavier than her. I damn near killed that bitch. Not to mention that the fucker turned around and bit me. So I am now sporting a lovely wound that looks great next to the rash I have from touching something I am allergic to, did I mention I went to the ER this week for anaphylactic shock? You have to love breaking out in hives for daring to touch something. The best part is I have no clue what it was! So there is a chance it could happen all over again! Oh joy!

Anyhow much love to you all and I will let you a get back to your lovely lives. 

Stay beautiful! 

<3

Miss Sinister

?

I find men to be complicated creatures. I am starting to wonder if I should straight up leave Texas and go back to California. At least there not so many people have seen me naked. Unless they have access to the internet and some modeling websites but who really cares anymore? 

My dog got attacked by another dog and I'm on pins and needles waiting to see of she will pull through. The shitty thing is I got bit too so not only am I worried sick, I can't workout, and I am in a shit ton of pain! Joyous of days.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm so tired and I'm starting down a path of self distructive behavior again. It's total bullshit. Why can't I just be happy?

138.6

Sorry I have not been posting! I had a rough couple of days and I'm glad to be moving past it all and back into the 130's! I went all the way back up to 141, binge eating is terrible don't do it you will hate yourself! 

The good news is I'm keeping my intake below 1200 calories now. Which is semi healthy! I would prefer to just shoot for zero but I also have to worry about Hansell finding out I'm not eating enough. He will yell at me for sure!

But I'm happy with my life now for the most part. I got bitten up by bugs on Monday and turns out I'm allergic to them; so I spent Tuesday at the ER. But dispite being horribly disfigured I'm a lot better off now. At least I'm breathing right?

Much love to you all I will speak to you soon!

<3

Miss Sinister

138.2

How exactly do you remain honest about what you are eating and not make people mad at you? Seriously I need new people in my life that don't want to force feed me.

I'm going to make this short since I'm grumpy and wanting to throttle people. 

Much love,

Miss Sinister

138.8

Dont ask, it was full on binge mode last night. I don't even know how much I ate and I don't want to. Today I'm in 50 calories for coffee, 130 for a protien bar for lunch, and I'm going to work out and then drink a protien shake for dinner. I also finally remembered to take my freaking vitamins. My hair is falling out like crazy so I need to keep taking them, they have biotin in them so it helps a ton! 

So I am a little disappointed in myself but I managed to avoid the Mia monster, thank god my teeth are finally getting the break they deserve. So there is that to look up to. Also I am amazing at working out so I know I can lose the pound I gained by tomorrow or the next day at the latest!

I am excited to say I finally have a tv again! So I can do my insanity! (Without my family seeing me and making fun of me. >.<') I also have my Xbox back so I can play videogames again! Yay me! 

So now I am in full on find furniture mode!  I need a bed and mattress ASAP! 

I love you all I hope you are doing well and I wish you luck!

<3

Miss Sinister

138.6

So I ate dinner last night and then pie. And with all the food and calories in my system I'm up a pound. I'm disappointed but at least it's not the crushing going to cry kind.

I am only going to eat some prunes today to push that crap out of my system. That and I'm going to try to work out tonight. I'm starting to lose muscle definition from not working out at all and the last thing I want is that. I'm going to need it if I plan on entering Tough Mudder at the end of the year.

In other news I am not really beating myself up anymore. It's weird because I used to constantly feel pressured to be perfect but now I feel pretty and happy most of the time. I still have my 'I'm a fat ass' moments but they are getting less and less frequent. I'm really starting to wonder how much of my destructive behavior was ex hubby related.  Makes me wonder if I could be able to gain control over my ED someday as well. 

I was at one time hell bent on recovering, I wonder if I can. Being normal is something I don't think I can do. The feeling of control I get from this is addicting.

I guess that's some food for thought.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

137.6

Still going down! At this point I am trying to not jump up and down in excitement when I get on my scale. For the most part it is working since Hansell has been sleeping over and I am trying not to embarrass myself too badly. But I was close to dancing this morning!

On a side note I think I officially pissed him off with my eating habits. He told me last night that he was just going to stop bringing it up. Which I'm happy about, maybe it will save me some drama in the long run, lord knows I have enough of it all by my damn self. On the other hand I wonder what this means for him. Is it that he is not going to care anymore? Or that he is going to swollow his feelings towards it and explode later?

I tell myself constantly that he isn't like Matt. He is a good guy, (and awesome in bed XD) so I don't want to scare him off. 

Drama drama drama.

Moving on! Last night I ate curly fries and half a small Oreo cookie shake from Jack In The Box, I was out with Hansell and I was happy to eat for him. (Weird I know.) Since it happened at 1:30 am I'm counting it as all my calories for today and I'm going to be fasting today and if possible tomorrow to make up for it. The really weird thing is that it was okay for me to eat it. It was not an uncontrollable binge or massive loss of control. I made the choice to eat with him and I was happy to do it. I didn't even finish the shake! Which is impossible for me! Usually when I eat something I finish it no matter what! It's so strange! My scale moved up a bit from yesterday but like I previously mentioned I didn't log yesterday reguardless since I feel like my scale is lying to me. A reader mentioned that It also could be water weight, which is good to lose too!

I don't feel bad or regretful, I feel like I'm still on track and working toward my goal. It's pretty amazing to me actually. I feel so in control of my life. No one can take this away from me again. I am empowered. I am strong. It's like I'm finally holding the wheel again.

I love it.

Anyhow I should end this before I spend a day writing about how boring my life is!

Stay Beautiful!

Miss Sinister

???

I slept an hour at most, had some amazing sex so in my mind it was worth it, but I stepped on my scale this morning and totally didn't trust it so I didn't write it down. I think I might just give up and go back to my cheap scale at least that bitch was consistent. (No one can lose four pounds in one night.)

In other news I get sad sometimes when I'm alone if I let myself think about Matt. This far I'm avoiding feeling by staying crazy busy. I try not to feel anymore and when it works it's awesome. The downside is that it doesn't always work. Hansell is trying to help me get better and I could never thank him enough.

I am doing well though, food seems harder and harder to get down and I'm not really even sure if I'm hungry anymore. Which is weird as hell. I think my body is just giving up on me. Which is proven by the fact that my fucking hair is constantly falling out. I need protien and vitamins. Fuck everything else.

I am going to keep this short since I'm at work and supposed to be working. >.<'

Much love!

Miss Sinister

138.2

Sex is amazing. I missed it so much and I feel so much freaking better. 

Although I sincerely think I am already wearing Hansell out. Twice yesterday, no bullshit I said twice, and I'm going to try to jump him today as well. He makes me feel so pretty, so small and weak yet strong and mighty all at the same time.

We went out drinking last night and I managed to piss him off though. I was talking sex with a guy at a party we were at and I guess he thought I was hitting on him. The truth was I was just trying to find people to talk to because I didn't really know anyone there. 

Sex to me has never been something to hide or that was taboo and scary so for me it's natural to talk about it. I guess for most people it isn't. 

That's all for now I will talk to you soon!

Miss Sinister

138.6

I'm down a little more and I screwed up eating breakfast today. I managed to keep my total intake below 1000 calories today but I was being watched so I figured I should eat while they were there. My mom seems to be keeping off my back about food which is great! I told her how uncomfortable her constant watching was making me and I promised to eat more, now all my meals are going to be in front of her or my new buddy. (Both of them like to yell at me when I don't eat enough.)

I just don't understand, I'm not trying to be underweight, I just want to be tiny again.

My new friend, let's call him Hansell, seems to like going out of his way to make me feel small. He makes tons of comments about how tiny and delicate I am. I feel so feminine around him. It's fucking brilliant! He got in my car the other day to drive me home and since I'm so much shorter than him he had to move the seat back hella far, it was so funny. He said: "Damn you and that tiny body of yours!" I just smiled and smiled. He also likes to grab me by my hipbones and tug me around. (OH MY GOD! Talk about feeling sexy!) This guy makes me feel attractive as hell and I have not even slept with him! It's brilliant!

The downside is that Hansell doesn't understand my ED but I have tried to explain it to him. I believe I mentioned our 100% honesty policy between eachother so in accordance to that I have to tell him everything. He doesn't like to badger me about food unless I bring it up, which turns out  is rediculously hard for me not to do! I am just obsessed and everyone knows it. I miss living on my own so much, not having to hide who I am was wonderful.

My mums house has crazy fleas though. I'm getting eaten the dogs are getting eaten it kind of sucks. Hopefully after I bomb the room it will help to kill them all! I hate bugs more than anything. Seriously if I could kill them all without ruining the ecosystem I would!

⊂((・x・))⊃

In other news I have to go get Chinese food with my friend tomorrow and I have no idea what to do. I don't want to cancel, I miss her like crazy, but I don't want to eat deep fried grossness. *SIGH*

So I'm going to quit typing now so I don't write a bloody novel.

Much love!

Miss Sinister

139.8

Still going down! And the evil voice in my brain screams with joy!  I am going to be shooting for 115 pounds, that's not to far from where I currently am and I think It is still a healthy weight for me so that is my goal weight. (It hasn't changed at all but I still find it's good for me to post it.) 

On a TMI note: I am experiancing one of the worst periods ever. Fuck me for trying to get better! I'm on day 4 of bleeding this is rediculous! I miss my old birth control that made my period light and easy to deal with! I miss being malnourished and not getting one at all. I really can not stand this crap at all. I'm beyond not used to it! 

The really shitty thing is I can't get laid until this bitch stops. And I found a guy I really like and that I really want to sleep with... But because of this I can't. 

My life is a cluster fuck of problems. 

I set a doctors appointment for Friday and I'm looking forward to hopefully getting all my prescriptions refilled and hearing about what they recommend on the birth control front. Maybe they will be better than my last doctor? 

Wish me luck!

Miss Sinister

141

I am up 8 ounces from yesterday. All I want to do is swear about it but it is my own damn fault. I ate a normal dinner last night and made my mom happy with me. Maybe she can get off my back about eating now?

In other news I finally got my period back which pisses me off since I know that it means my intake has been to high. I'm trying to cut back slowly and since I am still heading downward I am pretty happy. I'm trying not to let crap get me down!

I need to make this short for now but I will post again later if I get the chance!

<3
Miss Sinister

140.2

I ate pie this morning, mostly because I was going to have one bite (I am being serious I only wanted one) and my mom walked in the kitchen and proceeded to watch me eat. Seriously she was inspecting my intake like I was a child. I am mortified.

The reason why is because my guy friend came over for dinner last night and he pointed out every trick in the book I had on avoiding mealtime. :/ the cheeky bastard actually made it so obvious my mom is now watching me like a hawk. 

I forget how hard it is to hide this crap while living with others. I used to be so good at it but living with Matt has made me sloppy. Time to upgrade my stealth. 

No seriously y'all it's some severe bullshit, I'm on mommy lock down.

I tried to explain to him why that isn't okay and he didn't get it. He knows about my ED because I promised him I would be honest with him and I intend on keeping that promise. I do regret telling him though. He has intentions on force feeding me, or at least guilt tripping me into eating. I tried to explain it to him in a way he would get and apparently I'm not very articulate in person because he doesn't get it. Not even kind of. Fuck my freaking life!

On the divorce front my paperwork is filed and in 60 days I am free from everything and probably heading back to California. I'm excited about heading home again but the stupidest things keep reminding me of Matt and they make me depressed.  Last night I went out with my friend and the bar we went to had pool tables and I spent half the night trying not to think about him. I am getting better though. As long as I stay busy I don't really miss him. To be honest though I think I miss the idea of him more than I miss him. It sucks having to explain to customers, my coworkers, my friends, and family... Let's face it pretty much everyone; what happened and why we are not married anymore. 

I feel like a battered woman trying to explain it and I'm growing resentful of the pity and sorrowful looks. I feel bad for feeing better about it. I don't want to tell people that 'yeah I'm okay now, the abusive cycle is over I feel better. No one is calling me ugly or worthless. I'm really and truly okay.' I feel bad for feeling better. What a fucked up brain I have!

On a separate note I'm counting calories in my head and while on my phone a bit but my friend and I have an open phone rule so he might just grab it whenever and open it up and I don't want to have to explain my eating to him again... So I'm trying to just keep it on the down low. As a result of not writing down everything I am paranoid about what I'm eating and how much so while I'm praying my intake is still low I feel like I should be eating less. I'm slowly driving myself mad.

I hope you are all doing well and I'm praying for all the people out there who are strong enough to recover.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

142.6

My marriage is over. I ended it about a week ago and I'm honestly pretty happy about it now. At first I was grieving, heavily but I know now that it wasn't a good relationship to be in. Matt went to jail for class c assault on me. He was drunk and he snapped. He scared the crap out of me. I honestly thought he was going to kill me. He started screaming for me to get out of his house and leave he was trying to hold my dogs hostage. I pushed him to get him away from me, he was so close and screaming at me that our noses were practically touching, he took a step back grounded himself and shoved me hard. Needless to say when my mom showed up he was bilgerant. Screaming obscenities and that he was: "going to get us." I was terrified. My mom told the cops what happened and they took him to jail. 

I was moved out the next day. 

I'm glad it's over. Honestly it was so unhealthy and scary and it caused me nothing but pain. I think towards the end if it I didn't really want to be there anymore. He ruined that relationship with malicious intent. He is and was the problem. Not to say that I don't share part of the blame but he hurt me. The cops took pictures of my bruises kind of hurt me. It was bloody crazy and I'm glad it's done!

I moved in with my mom and I'm back with Ana, she is my support network. The feeling of control is inpowering. I've lost a ton of weight this week and I'm back to running and doing insanity off and on. I feel strong and powerful, that was something Matt took from me. My feeling of strength. 

I'm happy to say I'm getting lots of comments on my weight loss, so I am finally feeling good again. :3 I'm back down to notch 13 on my belt!

For the moment I need Ana to keep me stable. I will start worrying about recovering again once I have fully healed!

Much love!

Miss Sinister

I didn't count any calories today!

I'm both proud of myself and terrified of what I might have consumed; but I do feel powerful. Not a binge but just eating. Like a NORMAL girl. (At least for breakfast) I am also proud to post that I avoided my scale! Although that might be out of guilt, I can't trust my brain at all today. Mirrors however are unavoidable and they make me feel like a whale. I'm trying not to let it get to me.

Tonight I have to do my Fit Test and I'm a little scared (since I have to close at work tonight) that I'm going to get lazy, but I am determined that I'm going to do it no matter what. So hopefully I won't be letting myself down anymore.

Also I am going to ask Matty to bring home dinner from his work so I don't have time to guilt myself into skipping dinner. I ate a huge breakfast and have been unable to convince myself to eat all day, I just don't want to. It's a weird mix for me but I feel so guilty for eating that I'm avoiding food again. I just can't win against this monster that is me. Inner demons are evil little bastards. I'm working so hard to be normal and when I'm counting calories I'm under eating, but when I'm not I'm paranoid I'm over eating. Which who knows if I am or not? It might have just been a binge this morning, I can't know when I'm not counting calories. What is normal, who knows? Why can't I just follow my meal plan like a normal person!? This is hell. Complete and total hell. I used to be so in control and look at me now.

I'm actually a bit over weight for my height right now. Don't ask how I know because I'm sure of it reguardless what people say, but I know a lot of that has to be muscle mass growing from the Insanity workouts so I'm trying not to panic. 

That's right. 

Calm cool collected. 

Do. Not. Panic.

Everything is fine... Just freaking fine.

Recovering for me is mostly about gaining some sense of positivity about my looks. Once I feel I look better I will be able to eat better. I'm sure of it. The people who know about my ED and watched me go through the hell that is EDNOS [i.e. losing 70 pounds by not eating, then binging and purging, then back to starving losing another 20 pounds rapidly, then trying to recover and gaining a lot back, then relapsing...] think I need to focus on food. How I wish my health insurance covered this crap. I need a freaking psychiatrist!

Although to be fair I would probably tell them they didn't know what they were talking about. I am a hot mess.

Stay beautiful,

Miss Sinister

146.2 [And some small commentary on my sex life]

I've lost a little weight and while I am under 1100 calories for the day and I did my Insanity for today. Still I can't seem to bring myself to want to eat anything else. I am at war with myself. Part of me knows I should be eating more; a minimum of 1200 calories, if you believe the Insanity nutrition guide I should be eating closer to 1800 calories. I am gaining a lot of muscle mass and I am happy to be seeing some definition starting in my arms and legs, but it sucks to see my scale moving up.

I keep finding myself fighting with my mirror, on one hand I do not want to see my bones, on the other I would rather see bones than fat. I need to be realistic. I need to stop being so stupid and regain some control on my erratic thoughts. I seem for today at least to have the binging under control. I have not purged since the ice cream incident the other day. I did manage to miss my workout three days in a row [please don't ask it has more to do with me being lazy and giving into my husband's rare request to spend time with me] and it felt twice as hard to do it today.

I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling, I can't quite get my head on straight these days. Matt is still refusing to have sex with me, he keeps saying he: "isn't in the mood". If I am being completely honest with myself I didn't really want to have sex with him today either. I just have always used sex to make myself feel better about everything that is going wrong with my life. If Matt and I are still having sex on a regular basis then maybe just maybe our marriage might be okay. I know it isn't going to make his car start working properly again, I know it isn't going to make him work better hours or even make him want to spend quality time with me. Sex isn't going to fix our problems. I know deep down it isn't going to fix anything. But for a short time I feel pretty again, I can fool myself into believing he loves me again even if he really thinks I'm ugly and fat for a brief moment in our time together I feel whole and happy again. Maybe I can't remember what feeling beautiful actually feels like. Maybe that is why I do this to myself.

It is a ridiculous dream that can't handle being brought out into the daylight hours. It shatters like so much glass as soon as its over because he looks at me with such disgust. Like I am just a dirty toy he no longer finds entertaining. He tells me all the time that he doesn't really feel that way. He tells me he loves me and he finds me pretty but I can tell he is sick of dealing with it. He hates me asking him to tell me I am pretty, he is sick of me bringing up my weight loss or my working out. In the end I think he is just sick of me. He finds me needy, and maybe he is right. It might be wrong to want a kiss goodnight or a hug when I wake up screaming from some horrible nightmare that wont leave me alone. It might be wrong to want to be told I'm pretty without having to bring it up. It might be wrong to ask your husband for sex twice a week, but that is what I need to feel happy, that is what makes me feel better when its dark out and I can't sleep. When I am lonely and I only have my dogs to love me. I guess I am wrong again.

Its a tired song that I am sick of singing but I keep singing all the same. I ask myself why but I can't be bothered to stop. I love him more than I love myself. I don't need to be happy I just want him to be happy, that is all that matters.

I'm sorry for rambling, and for being so depressing, and for being a over all general freaking failure. I am trying to stay positive but I guess I am a pessimist at heart. Who would have guessed that I used to be so positive and happy? Not me.

Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister

God

I begged god to forgive all my sins and to save my marriage.  Now I'm alone and I have a dead beat husband who could care less if I live or die.

 

I'm drunk and I am so sorry for everything. I'm a shit wife. A shit human being. I don't deserve a fucking thing. I should just end it. Fuck getting him to give a shit I don't matter, who cares what I feel.

Truth talks.

I'm exausted. I'm sorry I have not been posting but I figured that I'm using this blog as a cruch and now I'm back. 

I'm at 150 pounds. I missed my deadline. I've been doing insanity and I've been gaining weight like crazy. Eating isn't working, eating healthy isn't working. And it doesn't help that everytime I look in the mirror I can only think fuck I'm a fat pig.

A woman came into my work the other day and she was pretty obviously anorexic/bulimic I was ashamed to talk to her because I am so huge and she was so small. I pulled my sweater sleeves down and hid as much of my body as I could. I'm trying so hard to be healthy and not keep doing this shit to myself, but then I purged the icecream I binged on this morning. I can't win.

I am out of control. I hate this feeling and I want so desperatly for it to stop but I have not ever had a healthy relationship with food. So what would I know about eating healthy. People where I work call me a fitness junkie, because I'm always working out or talking about working out. What they don't know is my unhealthy relationship with food. I wish I could just be anorexic. I wish I could go back to how I was, feeling like this is horrible. 

I can't look in a mirror. I can't listen to people telling me how amazing I look while I am feeling like a tub of lard. I know deep down they say it to be nice not because I actually look okay. My stomach and my thighs are jiggling because they are so freaking huge. My ass and thighs look like cottege cheese. I'm 24 years old  if I don't fix this now I'm never going to get another chance. 

I miss my hipbones. My collarbones. My ribs. I want to get down to 115. The longer I wait to get back down there the longer I have to stay huge. 

I am going to keep doing insanity, I have built a lot of muscle mass up and I'm going to keep drinking protein shakes and if I can manage it eating healthy. I just can't handle looking in the mirror anymore. Feeling monstrous and huge. I hate myself more than ever. 

Having one of those days.

A few days ago my husband and I got into a huge fight. He called me tons of names and told me he was cheating on me. The next day he said he wasn't but he was still mad at me for the horrible things I said to him back so now we are no longer speaking. In the middle if all of this he lost his wedding ring and as such he has not been wearing it.

I feel so defeated. We were having a great night he told me I was perfect and beautiful. I finally felt pretty, and then everything went to shit and now I'm miserable again. I can't even look in the mirror after everything he said I'm right back to square one, I spent my morning crying in my shower hating everything about myself. I can't take it anymore.

I am still doing insanity but I'm eating way to much food so while I can see muscle building I can still see tons of fat. :/ 

I feel so ugly, I keep looking in the mirror and telling myself it's all in my head and to ignore it but today I feel huge. It's like my arms are twice what they should be. I'm miserable and I feel hopeless. I called my brother after I showered and he talked me out of being stupid thank god. He just blames Matt for everything and I don't think that's right. If he cheated on me then I will leave him but I was screaming at him too and I was just as bad as him for it.

It's so confusing to me. I want a divorce but I want to have the guy I loved back. I wish I wasn't me. :(

Bad body image

I feel like no matter how much weigh I lose my body still feels gigantic. It really doesn't help much that today I'm almost back up to 150 pounds. I feel huge, I know it can't all be fat, I know it's bloat and water weight and I know when I take a laxative tonight I will lose some weight from the crap leaving my system. 

It is just so hard to look in the mirror and never be happy. It starts to drive you mad after a while. I know there is no one on this blog who has a healthy body image so you all can get where I am coming from. Don't you just get those days where it feels pointless? Where you feel huge?

That's where I am right now. I'm bigger than I have been in a really long time and I feel like a whale. I keep looking at my face in my mirror and it seems like everytime I look the worse I get. :( 

I am trying to remain positive and not binge eat or restrict to heavily but this is so horrendous. I feel gigantic. 

Wish me luck I really need it.

Miss Sinister

149

One of the girls I work with just called me fat ass. Right after I was talking to her about being pissed that I am gaining weight like crazy. She doesn't know about my ED struggles. The only thing I can think now is.

'Thanks for pointing that out. I wasn't planning on eating anyways.'

I'm 465 calories in for the day and my goal is under 1200. Like a normal person would eat while dieting. I'm restricting in a healthy way. Hopefully this will work out for me, if not I'm going to just keep restricting until I get a number I am happy with. I can't let my ED win, it does not get to take over my life. I'm done, I meant it and I mean it now.

I am going to be a heathy happy 24 year old girl. I'm not going to let this monster win anymore. I'm determined to finish insanity and be super sexy and finally feel beautiful. I can do this!

Having a panic attack. Again.

147. One Hundred Fourty Seven. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING SEVEN. KILL ME I WANT TO DIE I HATE MYSELF.

I am back up to 147 pounds. I know I am building muscle I know that my scale is not the only way to show I am losing fat but I fucking hate myself. I can't stop eating crap. I am eating way than I am burning a day. I am binging. I hate myself. I want to fucking end this but I am convincing myself this is how normal people eat, it is how my husband eats. Why couldn't I be like my brother and eat everything I want and never gain weight? Why can't I be perfect?

Today is my rest day but I think I am going to do abs and arms and possibly go for a long walk. Maybe then I can feel better about eating 1400 calories for breakfast. The worst part is I feel so lonely right now that I only want to go eat so I will feel better. BUT I KNOW IN THE END IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME FEEL WORSE SO WHY DO I DO IT?

I ate pizza rolls this morning. 30 of them, with ranch dressing. Then I ran upstairs and threw up as much of it as I could. I am praying I got out at least half of it so I can be at 700 calories for the day. I took my medication and it is helping me to not continue binging since I know that I will not be able to vomit again without wasting a rather costly prescription.

The worst part is I am not out of control anymore. I am in complete control of myself. I make the conscious decision to stuff my fat face until I am sick. It is a choice and I make it with out thinking about it first. I put Thinspo all over my kitchen and bedroom, but I am not even looking at it before I make these horrible choices. I wish I knew a way to force myself to stop this bullshit. I am in control of myself why am I making these choices? It is because I deprived myself for so long that now I feel like I deserve it? Or is it because I hate myself and I want to see myself suffer? I can think of a hundred ways to cause horrible excruciating pain to my body but nothing hurts more than looking in the mirror everyday. I can see my thighs getting bigger with each passing second. I can feel my body expanding my stomach looks huge.

Maybe I am not able to recover yet. Maybe being a normal girl isn't really what I wanted. Maybe I can be normal when I hit my goal weight. I don't know. I can't be sure what normal is, I fucking need therapy. I am back to restricting again as of this very moment. At least when I am counting calories I can avoid having a panic attack when I step on my scale in the morning.

Wish me luck, and say a prayer for me. I will do the same for all of you.

<3 miss="" p="" sinister="">

How exactly do I know what is normal?

I am no longer restricting my diet. I started insanity and I am working out really heavily and as such I figured if I am going to be building muscle I should be eating more. The trouble is I have no idea how to be normal. I need help being a normal girl. I really am beyond not sure what normal really is.

I have no idea how many calories I am eating and I know if I was checking them I would hate myself so I am trying to avoid it for now. I missed my workout yesterday and as such I am doing two today to catch up. Fucking kill me.

I need a mentor. A NORMAL PERSON TO FORCE ME TO BE NORMAL. I wonder if that is possible.

I need to get up the energy to go workout, but I really don't want to. I need to hit 115 before we go to vacation in July. I need to. There is nothing I want more than to get to 115 pounds but I also want to be normal. Fuck my life.

Last night, more stories for you.

I sit anxiously waiting to see if by the grace of god he loves me again. Circling footsteps surround me, like vultures clawing at the dead feeling inside my heart and in my head. I am warm, much warmer than usual and the war in my head rages on. Baffled I sit and quitely listen to the voices that hurdle words like knives meant only to torment the soul and bruise the ego. The man and the woman scream obcenities at eachother and slam doors going angry to bed when they promised not to. Curled up like a child rocking back and forth I feel the cold start moving in.

 I can't sit still, fingers tap tap tapping away at the floor beneath me and fresh blood under my fingernails from last night slowing chipping away like old paint. I feel eletricity under my skin shocking me to the tips of my hair but failing once more to revive a broken heart. 'CLEAR' is shouted l feel it again the shock that pulses through me to my very core spreading pain and heat like wildfire but nothing stirs the broken pitiful thing resting inside my chest.

I watch now standing, circling once more from above looking down at the girl in the bed; my feet weaving trenches into the ceiling. Hair moving about my face as if there is a gentle breeze but I feel nothing upon my ghostly skin. I look pale, I look tired. I'm starving.i I suddenly realize how long it's been since I've eaten but food holds no appeal anymore. I can remember a long forgotten voice telling me quitely, as she brushes the tears from my face and she smiles in that oh so sickeningly sweet way: "Nothing helps you lose weight like a break up." I nod silently to myself and condescension slips into the black endless void where grief was waiting for it's turn. Anger sits biding it's time coiled up like a serpent ready to strike it has been silenced to the back of the cell since it's the reason everything got so screwed up. 

He isn't here yet. And that reassures me I am dying. Tears slip from my eyes freezing to my lashes as tiny crystals leaving beautiful frozen jewels to train down upon my cheeks. Broken I slip down cold as ice into my body but there is a wall that blocks my entry. A sign that sits nailed into the gnarled stone bricks reads. 'No dead allowed' so I sulk back out and once more resume my pacing on the ceiling with the dead mindless breeze that can't possibly exist tangling my dress around my legs.

Bile burns my throat and lava sits in my stomach burning me slowly, eating me from the inside out. Outside the cold is seeping in, cold as the middle of winter it starts on my fingers and toes slowly inching towards my core prickling my skin and hurting my muscles as I slowly but surely start to go numb.

I use my cold fingers to dig my nails into my chest ripping away the skin and bone prying up the ribs to reach the heart that lies cold and still inside. No blood seeps from the wound but the gore lies unmistakable a red smear marring what was once an unblemished canvas. What once he might have thought beautiful was now a morbid vulgar display showing how fragile humans really are.  I hold the heart like a mother would a child and wonder how something so beautiful could lie so still. It's changing colors before my eyes turning purple and blue then green as it starts to decay. It moves and for an instant hope flickers alive inside me and I breathe like a normal girl, it's a human girl breath: inhale sharp like a knife in the chest and a slow exhale. The heart cradled in my arms seems to shudder and shake before a blue liquid puffs out like a liquid smoke and runs down my limbs in morbid trails. The color leaving my skin tainted, stained by my own flesh and blood poisoned by his hatred of me.

For a moment I ponder my situation, and like so much glass breaking on a kitchen floor I realize I'm shattered. This body I hated for betraying my orders, this body I hated for feeding it's self when it was hungry, this body I hated for the fat that consumed it in it's entirety, this body was going to die.

I killed it, I did this; me myself and I. I broke the relationship that was the last strand securely wrapped around me like a spiders web holding me together. I broke the only thing I had left that mattered to me. 'Too much pressure.' That is what they would say, the doctors as they would prep me for autopsy. 'She put all her will to live into him, he couldn't handle it. Who could? Can you blame him? Too much pressure.' I don't blame him. I know deep down I couldn't handle it either.

The girl below me lies still as death cold features on cold skin, blue eyes and blue lips that I scream at to open; but if they hear me they take no notice of it. The heart lies shriveled a token of a love now lost still cradled as an infant would be against it's mother's chest. I pray for death to take me but no one appears. No skeleton in a black tattered cloak no sythe in hand, no smoke no storm clouds no thunder no lightning. There is nothing. I was hoping for angles or devils but I know in my heart none are coming. No hellfire awaits me, no clouds or purely gates. I am to walk about on ceilings pacing back and forth, above my corpse for all eternity. A eulogy lost somewhere in time. 

Does he wake up? Does he come in? If he sees me will he fall to his knees lie weeping at my bedside as he realizes that I am truly gone? I have gotten so cold I am leaving crystals in my footprints my breath like steam escapes my lungs only to freeze and fall frozen as frost bitten snow to the floor below. If he can sense me it doesn't show. The girl didn't move and he doesn't come. A lonely beautiful corpse that is what I am turning into. Silent night falls around me and the doctors sadly shake their heads and the room can only grow colder. A six headed serpent begins to emerge from the heart in my hands and I can hear them, their voices laced with heavy emotions to complex to name. "Call it." The serpent whispers my name and I lean closer to hear it. 

"Wake up."

I awake gasping for breath as I emerge from the dream that held me comatose in death's wicked grip for what feels like years. Fever dreams we call them, vivid and lifelike they can hold their own against reality griping you tight and holding fast long into your waking hours. I stand shaking and walk to him still asleep on the couch and I bend down to kiss his forehead. He ignores my presence and I hold back tears. I wrap my arms around myself and feel the bones beneath my skin. Still whole and unbroken on the outside I go back to my lonely bed and cry myself back to sleep.

I hate him, but I hate me more

The title says it all. What is the point of bring with someone if they hate you. When he isn't mad anymore he might love me again. Or he might not.

I'm tired and I'm fighting with myself. The amazing thing is I'm so fed up with myself I almost don't care what happens. If he leaves me my heart will break a little more and I will have to find my dogs new homes. Then I will blow my head off.

Matt said at dinner he lives for his job and  he wanted me to have that. I didn't have the heart to tell him I live for him. It's just one more sign I'm invested in this relationship more than he is. 

But we are married, married means forever. But it's not forever to everybody I guess. Some people take their vows more seriously.

I'm going to miss him forever. I miss him now.

SM

I'm unhappy

I'm unhappy with myself, with my marriage. I started the insanity program today and I am exausted after the fit test. How long can I go on like this. I hate this disorder. I want to be normal. But I also want to be skinny. 

I hate myself. I hate what this is turning me into. I need out. I need freedom. But I can't handle my husband anymore. I can't handle him sneaking looks at girls when we go out. I can't handle him preferring porn to sex. I was growing to hate him now I think it's just hate.

If you can't love the person you are with you should try to learn to love them again. The trouble is when you can't love them at all anymore. Then what so you do? Leave?

Someone save me from this nightmare. Seriously I can't handle it anymore. I'm not in control and I'm scared of what I am turning into. Save me from myself.

I think I am done.

Im done with having an ED. I'm done feeling like a failure. I binged today again. I purged but couldn't get anything out.

I feel like a failure and I'm just done.

Don't get married. No really I mean it don't.

Husbands love only themselves. They don't call they don't write. They don't give a fuck. 

I don't even think I love mine anymore. I just hate being with him. And I hate how he makes me feel. And I hate how we never have sex. The feeling of love are so few and far between I'm not sure why I married him in the first place.

He always ignores me, when I am home he just sits there when I call he ignores me. When I text he won't write back. I should leave him. I might be able to find happiness if he was no longer in my life. I guess I am still waiting to hopefully get the guy I used to have back. This bitch that replaced him is a horrible monster.

I am fighting back tears again and I am growing numb. I hate him. I don't remember the last time I loved him. I just hate him.