135.5

Totally weighed myself after a huge binge and a run in 98 degree heat so I don't really trust it. Today I am negative in my calories though which feels pretty good. I am really tired and contemplating turning today into a two day water and prunes diet. Although I might just do liquids for a few days until I drop past 130. I need to break past this curse. I totally admit it is self inflicted but it needs to end asap.

I will not be cursed. No way not now not ever.

My curse is that every time I hit around 135 pounds I binge and I ruin it. I'm 5 pounds from my first goal weight. What the fuck breaks in my head that just has to fuck it up for the rest of me. It's exhausting.

I'm not even going to get into what keeps happening with Hansel. Okay I am lying you all know I can not keep my mouth shut. We cannot stop fighting because he hates my ED. I think it's because anytime he starts to feel guilty for anything he reacts very violently to it. He was just fine to try to talk to me to get his feelings across until I started crying. Then he feels bad and starts yelling. It's not like I can help it though,  he makes me feel like a fuck up. Like I'm failing at being a normal girl. Which I totally am,  but who wants to be normal? 

I'm striving for perfection not to be average. Average is what, in my mind at least, most normal people are. Some of them are morbidly obese some of them are freakishly thin or muscular; but most of them are a boring average. Kind of like me now.  I'm average for my height and weight and it is killing me.  I don't need to be underweight I just want to hit the bare bottom of the healthy weight limit. I want too scrape the edge and dance on the line. Is that so wrong? 

Maybe that's the real reason I can't be happy. Perfection to me is wanting to be so thin I'm weightless. I want my boyfriends to be able to pick me up and not breathe heavily because I'm to heavy.  I want to be super skinny. Not just thin but almost too thin. It's a dangerous line to walk and I think it is going to be the cause of Hansel and I not spending much more time together.  I sense a break up coming and I am usually right.  Sucks though because he is really cute and he really goes out of his way to please me during sex. (Which is freaking amazing no guy I have ever been with has ever actually cared about that before.)

Speaking of sex; the car sex is getting boring as hell. I miss fucking in a bed where I can be tied up and thrown around. I really need to change the subject here I'm getting images in my head that won't leave my brain alone. Hansel told me last night the reason he won't do BDSM stuff is because he weont stop if I call a safe word.  That scares me because if you call a safe word and they don't stop it's rape.  That's you saying no and them not stopping. I love BDSM I don't know if I can have a happy sex life without at least a little of it in there. But I really don't want to go play danger with a man who is so much bigger than me. I guess I am fucked. Just not how I would like.

Much love!

Miss Sinister