135.8

Starve lose it, binge gain it back. That is the hell of EDNOS. I feel so happy, so confident then back too a whale the very next day.  Can I break through this epidemic, is it even possible?

I feel like I'm just not trying hard enough.  I have eaten 100 calories in prunes today and I plan on eating some popcorn tonight.  I'm going to buy the fat free kind and buy T the regular kind. Hopefully he won't get weird and fight with me about eating out of separate bowls. I met T a few weeks ago and he is a nerd like me. I'm introducing him to firefly and he seems to like it. Which makes me really happy. He knows nothing about my ED and I plan on keeping it that way. The less he knows the better. I am never telling another soul about this,  I learned that lesson the hard way. Honestly as long as I'm below 300 calories today I'm happy.

Recently though people have been asking me not to lose any more weight.  It's making me nervous because I am trying too break into the 120s this week and I plan on dropping down to 115 by the next month at the latest.  That is if I can keep the bingeing under control.  That shit needs to stop asap. I'm worried I won't stop after I hit 115. I don't want to feel out of control but who am I kidding when was the last time I felt in control? It has been a while.

I broke up with Hansel and then we got back together. Now I'm not really sure where we stand. Its frustrating because I want to be happy and he does that for me, but sometimes he is jealous and demanding and he refuses to trust me. I am not a cheater never have been. The closest thing I have done to cheating is cuddle people. I'm a cuddle whore so sue me. But we never see each other and they can't afford to treat the bed bugs at his house so I risk re-infecting myself every time I see him.  This fucking sucks.

I heard that I got the job I interviewed for in Houston.  It's an hour drive which is going to suck big time but I'm excited to say after a few weeks I'll have enough money to move out. Hopefully I can move closer to Houston, maybe even back to The Woodlands. I'm going to start looking at houses to rent while I wait to hear if I passed my background check.

I love you all.  Take care of yourselves!

Miss Sinister