146.2 [And some small commentary on my sex life]

I've lost a little weight and while I am under 1100 calories for the day and I did my Insanity for today. Still I can't seem to bring myself to want to eat anything else. I am at war with myself. Part of me knows I should be eating more; a minimum of 1200 calories, if you believe the Insanity nutrition guide I should be eating closer to 1800 calories. I am gaining a lot of muscle mass and I am happy to be seeing some definition starting in my arms and legs, but it sucks to see my scale moving up.

I keep finding myself fighting with my mirror, on one hand I do not want to see my bones, on the other I would rather see bones than fat. I need to be realistic. I need to stop being so stupid and regain some control on my erratic thoughts. I seem for today at least to have the binging under control. I have not purged since the ice cream incident the other day. I did manage to miss my workout three days in a row [please don't ask it has more to do with me being lazy and giving into my husband's rare request to spend time with me] and it felt twice as hard to do it today.

I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling, I can't quite get my head on straight these days. Matt is still refusing to have sex with me, he keeps saying he: "isn't in the mood". If I am being completely honest with myself I didn't really want to have sex with him today either. I just have always used sex to make myself feel better about everything that is going wrong with my life. If Matt and I are still having sex on a regular basis then maybe just maybe our marriage might be okay. I know it isn't going to make his car start working properly again, I know it isn't going to make him work better hours or even make him want to spend quality time with me. Sex isn't going to fix our problems. I know deep down it isn't going to fix anything. But for a short time I feel pretty again, I can fool myself into believing he loves me again even if he really thinks I'm ugly and fat for a brief moment in our time together I feel whole and happy again. Maybe I can't remember what feeling beautiful actually feels like. Maybe that is why I do this to myself.

It is a ridiculous dream that can't handle being brought out into the daylight hours. It shatters like so much glass as soon as its over because he looks at me with such disgust. Like I am just a dirty toy he no longer finds entertaining. He tells me all the time that he doesn't really feel that way. He tells me he loves me and he finds me pretty but I can tell he is sick of dealing with it. He hates me asking him to tell me I am pretty, he is sick of me bringing up my weight loss or my working out. In the end I think he is just sick of me. He finds me needy, and maybe he is right. It might be wrong to want a kiss goodnight or a hug when I wake up screaming from some horrible nightmare that wont leave me alone. It might be wrong to want to be told I'm pretty without having to bring it up. It might be wrong to ask your husband for sex twice a week, but that is what I need to feel happy, that is what makes me feel better when its dark out and I can't sleep. When I am lonely and I only have my dogs to love me. I guess I am wrong again.

Its a tired song that I am sick of singing but I keep singing all the same. I ask myself why but I can't be bothered to stop. I love him more than I love myself. I don't need to be happy I just want him to be happy, that is all that matters.

I'm sorry for rambling, and for being so depressing, and for being a over all general freaking failure. I am trying to stay positive but I guess I am a pessimist at heart. Who would have guessed that I used to be so positive and happy? Not me.

Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister