Don't ask don't tell yeah?
Do you ever feel like your falling down a well? Like you can't quite get a grip on things and you are terrified of how it will turn out. Life is moving way to fast for me, I can't keep up these days and I feel like I'm losing touch with the things that matter to me. Long story short Hansell and I are fighting. Not just right at this moment but all the time. It feels never ending like the eletricity is on and I'm in the water soaked bath tub gripping a toaster holding on for dear life.
The trouble is this tub is slippery and while I'm not willing to end it all myself the asshole pointing the gun at my temple is telling me it's over.
What is this, where in constantly get turned down for sex? They tell me I'm good at it so unless every partner I have ever had is a liar I feel like it's time to maybe shut the fuck up and tell me the truth. Personally I think it's just me, I wear people out and they get sick of me. Hansell is just finally getting sick of me. Oh well shit happens I guess here I am getting ready to leave or get left.
It's not scary at all to think about sleeping alone. Just like it's not scary to think that I would just quit eating again. I need to keep looking out for me, call me selfish all you like but I've been broken down and beaten and that's made me stronger. I don't want to eat anymore. When I have eaten today and yesterday it's either been forced or out of habit. Its a habit I need to break. Eating is bad for you.
I made it down to this weight again and I don't know if I can trust my scale. I might buy a different one again. Maybe one that's not digital? It there a brand of scale that actually works well and is super consistent? Who the hell knows.
I really really really want to hit my goal weight. And despite all my bullshit about stoping at 115 I'm not sure if it's enough. My body seems to be growing larger even when my scale is getting smaller. BDD is a terrible thing to have. Because of my scale insessent need to jump my numbers around like a bloody monkey on cocaine my body checking is at an all time high. Hansell hates it and everytime he catches me doing it I can see the look of anger and upset that flickers across his face. It never lasts long but it's always there. And I'm momentarily heart broken until I remember I'm just his rebound anyway and it's not like he plans on sticking around. He doesn't want an eating disordered broken hearted girl on his arm. That's it end of story grow up.
Shit you didn't think you got to be happy did you?
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving Matt. No I don't really love him anymore. Not like I did when I met him, not at all. And no our relationship was at best unhealthy and at worst violent and down right distructive. But maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe I don't get a happy ending, that's why the wrong people keep wanting to keep me around.
Hey God, I know I don't talk to you much anymore not like I should but if you could send me a sign about moving back to cali that would be hella cool. Thanks God!
Good night everyone. I love you all.
Miss Sinister
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