Last night, more stories for you.

I sit anxiously waiting to see if by the grace of god he loves me again. Circling footsteps surround me, like vultures clawing at the dead feeling inside my heart and in my head. I am warm, much warmer than usual and the war in my head rages on. Baffled I sit and quitely listen to the voices that hurdle words like knives meant only to torment the soul and bruise the ego. The man and the woman scream obcenities at eachother and slam doors going angry to bed when they promised not to. Curled up like a child rocking back and forth I feel the cold start moving in.

 I can't sit still, fingers tap tap tapping away at the floor beneath me and fresh blood under my fingernails from last night slowing chipping away like old paint. I feel eletricity under my skin shocking me to the tips of my hair but failing once more to revive a broken heart. 'CLEAR' is shouted l feel it again the shock that pulses through me to my very core spreading pain and heat like wildfire but nothing stirs the broken pitiful thing resting inside my chest.

I watch now standing, circling once more from above looking down at the girl in the bed; my feet weaving trenches into the ceiling. Hair moving about my face as if there is a gentle breeze but I feel nothing upon my ghostly skin. I look pale, I look tired. I'm starving.i I suddenly realize how long it's been since I've eaten but food holds no appeal anymore. I can remember a long forgotten voice telling me quitely, as she brushes the tears from my face and she smiles in that oh so sickeningly sweet way: "Nothing helps you lose weight like a break up." I nod silently to myself and condescension slips into the black endless void where grief was waiting for it's turn. Anger sits biding it's time coiled up like a serpent ready to strike it has been silenced to the back of the cell since it's the reason everything got so screwed up. 

He isn't here yet. And that reassures me I am dying. Tears slip from my eyes freezing to my lashes as tiny crystals leaving beautiful frozen jewels to train down upon my cheeks. Broken I slip down cold as ice into my body but there is a wall that blocks my entry. A sign that sits nailed into the gnarled stone bricks reads. 'No dead allowed' so I sulk back out and once more resume my pacing on the ceiling with the dead mindless breeze that can't possibly exist tangling my dress around my legs.

Bile burns my throat and lava sits in my stomach burning me slowly, eating me from the inside out. Outside the cold is seeping in, cold as the middle of winter it starts on my fingers and toes slowly inching towards my core prickling my skin and hurting my muscles as I slowly but surely start to go numb.

I use my cold fingers to dig my nails into my chest ripping away the skin and bone prying up the ribs to reach the heart that lies cold and still inside. No blood seeps from the wound but the gore lies unmistakable a red smear marring what was once an unblemished canvas. What once he might have thought beautiful was now a morbid vulgar display showing how fragile humans really are.  I hold the heart like a mother would a child and wonder how something so beautiful could lie so still. It's changing colors before my eyes turning purple and blue then green as it starts to decay. It moves and for an instant hope flickers alive inside me and I breathe like a normal girl, it's a human girl breath: inhale sharp like a knife in the chest and a slow exhale. The heart cradled in my arms seems to shudder and shake before a blue liquid puffs out like a liquid smoke and runs down my limbs in morbid trails. The color leaving my skin tainted, stained by my own flesh and blood poisoned by his hatred of me.

For a moment I ponder my situation, and like so much glass breaking on a kitchen floor I realize I'm shattered. This body I hated for betraying my orders, this body I hated for feeding it's self when it was hungry, this body I hated for the fat that consumed it in it's entirety, this body was going to die.

I killed it, I did this; me myself and I. I broke the relationship that was the last strand securely wrapped around me like a spiders web holding me together. I broke the only thing I had left that mattered to me. 'Too much pressure.' That is what they would say, the doctors as they would prep me for autopsy. 'She put all her will to live into him, he couldn't handle it. Who could? Can you blame him? Too much pressure.' I don't blame him. I know deep down I couldn't handle it either.

The girl below me lies still as death cold features on cold skin, blue eyes and blue lips that I scream at to open; but if they hear me they take no notice of it. The heart lies shriveled a token of a love now lost still cradled as an infant would be against it's mother's chest. I pray for death to take me but no one appears. No skeleton in a black tattered cloak no sythe in hand, no smoke no storm clouds no thunder no lightning. There is nothing. I was hoping for angles or devils but I know in my heart none are coming. No hellfire awaits me, no clouds or purely gates. I am to walk about on ceilings pacing back and forth, above my corpse for all eternity. A eulogy lost somewhere in time. 

Does he wake up? Does he come in? If he sees me will he fall to his knees lie weeping at my bedside as he realizes that I am truly gone? I have gotten so cold I am leaving crystals in my footprints my breath like steam escapes my lungs only to freeze and fall frozen as frost bitten snow to the floor below. If he can sense me it doesn't show. The girl didn't move and he doesn't come. A lonely beautiful corpse that is what I am turning into. Silent night falls around me and the doctors sadly shake their heads and the room can only grow colder. A six headed serpent begins to emerge from the heart in my hands and I can hear them, their voices laced with heavy emotions to complex to name. "Call it." The serpent whispers my name and I lean closer to hear it. 

"Wake up."

I awake gasping for breath as I emerge from the dream that held me comatose in death's wicked grip for what feels like years. Fever dreams we call them, vivid and lifelike they can hold their own against reality griping you tight and holding fast long into your waking hours. I stand shaking and walk to him still asleep on the couch and I bend down to kiss his forehead. He ignores my presence and I hold back tears. I wrap my arms around myself and feel the bones beneath my skin. Still whole and unbroken on the outside I go back to my lonely bed and cry myself back to sleep.