I hate him, but I hate me more

The title says it all. What is the point of bring with someone if they hate you. When he isn't mad anymore he might love me again. Or he might not.

I'm tired and I'm fighting with myself. The amazing thing is I'm so fed up with myself I almost don't care what happens. If he leaves me my heart will break a little more and I will have to find my dogs new homes. Then I will blow my head off.

Matt said at dinner he lives for his job and  he wanted me to have that. I didn't have the heart to tell him I live for him. It's just one more sign I'm invested in this relationship more than he is. 

But we are married, married means forever. But it's not forever to everybody I guess. Some people take their vows more seriously.

I'm going to miss him forever. I miss him now.

SM