I spent some time pondering my banner today and I just realized that I called this blog: 'Eating Recovery'.
The irony was lost on me until now. Initially I created this blog as a diary of sorts. A place to post my writing and thoughts and feelings, then when I started to really move into losing weight and eating less and less it became a diary for my intake. Then once I actually got happy again it went back to just being a safe place to post about my life. Somewhere no one I actually knew in real life would read it and judge me.
When I actually started recovery the first time I stopped posting completely. I stopped counting calories and blew up to 160 pounds. Then I relapsed and lost 30 in a month. That was when I really lost touch with my eating habits. I started the endless cycle of binging and purging. I started down a bad path, I was honestly as self destructive as I have ever been. Likewise my posting was erratic, I was out of control and you can tell with my writing.
This has less to do with recovering the more I post. I feel like I'm up and down all the time and the only time I really feel better about my life is when I'm in full control of my eating. Maybe that's what I meant by 'recovery'. It's less about actually recovering from a drug or sex addiction or even an eating disorder and more about regaining control.
I am often baffled when people tell me to make the choice to get better and recover. Since I do technically suffer from EDNOS it's a concept that upsets me. You don't choose to have a disorder, no one would want to deal with the hell that we all go through every day. But on the other hand my need for control fuels my disorder, it makes me want to not eat ever again ever. It's a choice I make every time I turn down food or even when I would binge and purge. Technically speaking it is a choice I wake up and make each day; often several times a day. So which is it: Illness or choice?
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On a separate note I think I'm getting sick and I'm a little pissed off about it. You know the expression starve a fever feed a cold? Well I'm really bad at doing that. I feel like crap at the moment my throat hurts my nose is running. I am freaking exhausted too so I am a clusterfuck of sleep deprivation and sickness inspired drama. I need to get a boyfriend who will come over make me tea and take care of my dogs for me tonight. He could leave in the morning. I would be okay with that. Perhaps I don't need a boyfriend, I think The term for what I need is a servant. Although I want to cuddle with a warm body so maybe that's wrong too. I guess I need a boy toy, or maybe a male best friend again.
Oh joyous of days me sick is a monster of pain and distortion.
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