I shit you not I made it from Willis to My work in 18 minutes. For those of you who don't know it takes a normal driver 45 to 50 minutes driving 65-75mph to get to my home from my work. It normally takes me around 30 minutes to get here and I woke up at 9 needing to be here at 9:30. I freaking flew out the door and made it here with two minutes to spare. To be fair I was driving close to 120mph the entire way here. The good news is no cops were out today so I have no new tickets!
I also started my morning terribly I ate 6 Twizzlers left over from binging and Hansell (my blond haired green eyed hero) came and gave me coffee. Which puts me at a grand total of 350 calories for today already. Hopefully I can work my way out of dinner tonight because my jaw is still aching from my wisdom teeth so there is no way I could purge even if I wanted to. Also as a side note even yesterday the urge to purge [i rhymed! XD] was totally manageable. I feel like it maybe it's leaving for good.
On a side note my binging wasn't totally uncontrollable like it was in the past. I ate 800 calories like usual and then got invited out to dinner and miraculously I accepted it. I ate a BBQ baked potato, which was prolly close to 700 calories some jalepeno poppers, close to 300 calories and then ate Twizzlers at the bar while drinking a total of two drinks. I figure for the day that puts me close to 3000 calories which is a ton for me, but in the scheme of things I figure I can pull off a few 450 calorie days with nothing but prunes water and coffee to flush out my system.
I don't remember if I told y'all this or not but Hansel and I came to an agreement about food, I am going to eat as normally as I can manage around him and he is going to stop pointing out my strange eating habits and my tips and tricks to get out of eating. Also I am not allowed to fast, liquids only or even just water, unless there is a actual reason; like the aniversery of my friend who passed away, or for my religion. And I will eat at least 450 calories every day. The good news is I can eat however much I want and he won't bitch at me for working out. The bad news is he and his friends are my biggest triggers right now.
He has an ex girlfriend who is a drug addict and the bitch is tall blond and skinny as hell. The reason I mention her is because he hates seeing her out and about since she is 21 and a total bitch whore drama queen from hell. She cheated on him and damn near ruined his life and they only dated for a month. Last night at the bar I thought I saw her and I asked his buddy's girlfriend, who I was sitting at the table with, if it was her and her response was as follows: "No that's not her, she is taller and is blond. She is also skinnier than you."
Skinnier than you.
Skinnier than you.
Skinnier than you.
Oh god those words hit me like a swift kick to the stomach. I pushed away my coffee and we changed the subject. It made me want to stop eating for the rest of my days; to starve to death and with my last breath ask her if I was skinny enough yet and like the normal person she is she didn't even notice.
While we were at Walmart getting me coffee and getting the Twizzlers that I shared with everyone (so I wouldn't eat them all); Hansell and his buddy were talking about where we went to eat and I chimed in that the jalepeño poppers and baked potato I ate were really tasty and that they should go there sometime. His friend looked me dead in the face and said: "You just have the heart of a fat kid don't you?"
Fat kid.
Fat kid.
Fat kid.
He wasn't trying to be mean I know that. He didn't mean it like I'm fat I know that. He harps on everyone about everything he is the kind of guy who goofs off and hoops and hollers to make people laugh. He is really a good guy and I do really like him and his girl both of them are good people. But I had to talk myself into eating some of the Twizzlers I just paid for and I suddenly started contemplating if the milk in my coffee was worth drinking. Had I been heading home to finish my binge day in private I would most likely have tossed them both out and gone and purged. I was incredibly lucky my teeth are killing me or I might have purged at the bar.
Now to be fair neither if then know about my ED and Hansell has been a champ in keeping it to himself so my issues are not being broadcasted out to the world. But I have never hated myself more for trying to be a normal girl and live a normal life. I wish I had woken up on time and had time to weigh myself this morning because I know I would have skipped eating today if I had. Tonight I'm going to try to work out some and hopefully I can skip dinner completely. Just writing about this is making me feel anxious.
It's crazy. Totally crazy. Why do people want this? Why did I want this? At one point in my life I idolized the self control that an anorexic has, I idolized anyone with such dedication to their body, it didn't matter to me if that dedication was to healthy habits or not. Now I'm living the life I once coveted and while I relish the feeling of control, I hate the subsequent feelings of panic, jealousy, and self loathing.
Did you know my thighs are touching again? I'm losing muscle mass in my body and it's turning into fat. I need to start working out again and I need to start avoiding all meals unless I'm with family so they won't keep watching me eat. My mom is on full alert and still eating dinner with me, although thankfully she is trying to cook healthier so I won't bitch about eating crap to her. The other day she made meatloaf which was my favorite meal growing up and steamed broccoli. I ate two whole cups of broccoli and they were so soft they didn't hurt my teeth hardly at all. The meatloaf was tough and hard to chew, not to mention there was Sourcrout [how the hell do I spell that?] in it, which is like lettuce except much much harder to chew, and I could barely get it down. My teeth were killing me by the end of it and everyone pitied me so they didn't make me keep eating. It didn't help that my mom asked me to help her make it so I was counting calories in my head and steadily growing more and more horrified as I did so. She used two whole packs of hamburger, two eggs, a can of corn beef, Sourcrout and several heaping handfuls of mixed shredded cheese. It will provide 8-16 servings depending on the size of your slice. This thing was jampacked with calorific monsters of doom. This ED has officially ruined my childhood.
Speaking of when discussing my teeth with my mom she mentioned when I had braces as a kid if I told her my teeth hurt she would go buy me icecream. My only comment was: "No wonder I was a fat child." She seemd mad I would point that out but who am I to talk? If I had a kid who had spent 9 months in my tummy and ruined my body I would fatten them up too. Not even just to get them back for it but to live vicariously through them while they eat everything in sight.
Anyhow this post has gotten terribly long so I'm going to end it now.
Much love lovelies!
Miss Sinister
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