135.4

I am sorry for neglecting you all I am a terrible person and I fully admit it. Moving on I gained back almost a pound when I started eating some solids again (and from a binge but I will get into that later). I think I might just start randomly doing liquid only days at least once a week. BECAUSE THEY TOTALLY WORK AND I FEEL SUPER ENERGISED! Or thatnmight just be the coffee. Lol

Today I ate prunes (100) and coffee with powder creamer (50) and I plan on ingesting water only until dinner. However I do have my fiber one bar just in case my sugars get to low. I definitely do not want to pass out again.

Weirdly enough I can not stop thinking about sex... it is on my mind almost 24/7 and it is a little disconcerting considering I just got laid last night. Honestly though it's having sex in a bed that I miss the most. Bed sex is the best. It's better than wall sex. And I don't say that often. ;) Hansel has not been able to spend the night in what feels like forever so we are reduced to sordid midnight meetings for car sex. Definitly not my favorite.  Maybe I should trade him out but the trouble is I like him. He makes me happy. He also makes me fearlessly insecure at times.

Last night he triggered me so badly its almost unbelievable. Him and his friends got onto the topic of eating a lot of food and they said I'm a tank when I want to be. (Aka when I am binge eating) then he said: "Oh I know she eats like a fat kid! She ate like six times on my birthday!" I had to stop my self from saying some thing I would regret later. Then his buddy who has no idea about my ED said: "just be thankful it falls off of you so quick or you would be huge. You are lucky you stay so skinny."

I AM LUCKY TO BE SKINNY?! ARE YOU FUCKING  KIDDING ME?!

I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to so badly its insane that I managed to stop myself. I wanted them to know the hell I go through to stay where I am. Let alone the struggle of getting thinner. I want them to understand why what they said is not okay, I don't want them to trigger any one else like this ever again. I fucking went home and ate my entire kitchen. Thank god I gave away those cookies yesterday, because let me tell you my mind was on a mission to destroy everything I have been working for in some stupid attempt to prove them right. I can not believe how stupid I am.

Moving on I know I'm incredibly abnormal and definitely a little broken and insecure but I'm still loveable right? I totally can be a horrible fat ugly person and still find love. I can still be loved and love someone else. I mean it's not crazy to want to be loved right?

Who am I kidding though, only the perpetually beyond fucked up would love me.