Truth talks.

I'm exausted. I'm sorry I have not been posting but I figured that I'm using this blog as a cruch and now I'm back. 

I'm at 150 pounds. I missed my deadline. I've been doing insanity and I've been gaining weight like crazy. Eating isn't working, eating healthy isn't working. And it doesn't help that everytime I look in the mirror I can only think fuck I'm a fat pig.

A woman came into my work the other day and she was pretty obviously anorexic/bulimic I was ashamed to talk to her because I am so huge and she was so small. I pulled my sweater sleeves down and hid as much of my body as I could. I'm trying so hard to be healthy and not keep doing this shit to myself, but then I purged the icecream I binged on this morning. I can't win.

I am out of control. I hate this feeling and I want so desperatly for it to stop but I have not ever had a healthy relationship with food. So what would I know about eating healthy. People where I work call me a fitness junkie, because I'm always working out or talking about working out. What they don't know is my unhealthy relationship with food. I wish I could just be anorexic. I wish I could go back to how I was, feeling like this is horrible. 

I can't look in a mirror. I can't listen to people telling me how amazing I look while I am feeling like a tub of lard. I know deep down they say it to be nice not because I actually look okay. My stomach and my thighs are jiggling because they are so freaking huge. My ass and thighs look like cottege cheese. I'm 24 years old  if I don't fix this now I'm never going to get another chance. 

I miss my hipbones. My collarbones. My ribs. I want to get down to 115. The longer I wait to get back down there the longer I have to stay huge. 

I am going to keep doing insanity, I have built a lot of muscle mass up and I'm going to keep drinking protein shakes and if I can manage it eating healthy. I just can't handle looking in the mirror anymore. Feeling monstrous and huge. I hate myself more than ever.