165.5

I'm feeling really big these days. I am getting married again in October and I'm really happy but it's hard for me to balance being happy with eating well. I've been liquid fasting for a few days now and I've lost like four pounds. I just feel like it's not enough. Like I should be doing more to lose weight before the wedding.

Maybe I can get V to go on a run with me?

The cravings are what is killing me the most. I want to go to the store buy chips and chocolate and eat everything in site.

Help?

151.8

I'm back on my meds. I didn't eat for two days from sheer nausea. But I've lost weight so who cares! Hopefully I can keep working out and eating healthier as I move forward with fixing myself.

My friends are saving my heart these days. I have the best friends ever. My Army bro is a dream come true when looking for a personal trainer.  He is keeping me motivated to keep working out.

I'm doing really well though. I finally feel happy again.

Stay beautiful!

Miss Sinister

Ben is gone.

We are on a break but I know I can't get back with him. After what he said and did, which I don't really want to talk about at the moment, I can't forgive him. Especially since I already gave him one once before. I can't do it anymore. I just can't be that person who is bullied into being sad or lonely anymore. I deserve more than that.

I did meet two dudes that I am incredibly fond of whom for now I will call Bear and Snake. They have been a huge emotional support to me during all this bullshit.

Bear doesn't eat either so while he is a constant trigger to me he makes me feel better about myself. He calls me beautiful all the time. Snake just hugs me and eats all the food I make for him without complaint. I don't think I could have survived this break up without them.

I have not been able to weigh myself since I have gone over the weekend to visit family. I'm not sure I even want to given the sheer amount of food I ate today and yesterday.  My grandmother is as bat crap crazy as my mom is but my aunt was awesome. I miss them like crazy already.

Tonight I'm going to Bear's house and I'm going to climb in his bed and just hide there. Good night all I love you.

Miss Sinister

So I'm at a weird place.

800 calories or less.  That's the goal.  Yesterday it was 624 today I'm hoping for 400. I want too keep changing it up so my body can't get used to it.

I wont be seeing Ben for a few weeks.  I'm in a weird place because I want to see him but at the same time I really don't. I don't really binge when he isn't around. Today I'm at around 800 calories. I think I'm going to take a laxative tonight still despite hitting my goal.

I'm back up to 158.5. And while I'm upset by it I really just want to focus on losing the weight again. The point of it all is to feel beautiful right?

Stay beautiful out there.

Miss Sinister

Starving and insanity.

So I'm down to 155.5 this morning. Not to bad really considering. I started insanity again yesterday and as such I'm going to be eating a little more so I can build up some muscle.

Here's to getting in shape.

In the insanity program your calories burned is estimated in the hundreds. Personally I am going to guess its between 100&200 a tape. I'll try to keep you informed.

Im a fat ugly fuck.

I started the insanity program again. I was 155.5 after my workout so I am praying as long as i keep it up I will be back at 150 by Wednesday. Its a lofty feat but I feel like its better to aim high.

I mean the worse thing that could happen is I fail. The best is I stop seeing Ben until I get back on my adderol and I no longer have the urge to eat ever again.

I love you all be better than me. Be strong.

Miss Sinister

158.5

Binged over the weekend with Ben. I gained 8 pounds in two days...

Yeah eating sucks. Back to restricting heavily. Maybe I just won't leave the house this weekend.  Yeah that could work.

Please kill me.

150.5

Only half a pound. If I am being honest it really bothers me that I only lost half a pound but oh well at least I am still getting thinner. I keep telling myself that I can do this and everything will be okay. That progress is still progress no matter how small.

I think this is going well. I am trying to avoid going to Ben's house tonight, it's not that I don't want to see him far from it. I just don't want to be tempted to eat. You know it's bad when you really really really want to see your boyfriend and have copeous amounts of sex but you wont because you are scared of eating.

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister

So I am at 480 calories for today and this morning I was at 151.

Tonight I am making my mum a baked potato with cheese and chicken and its going to be amazing.

The best part is I don't have to eat any of it. :]

Best of luck to all of you.

I love you all.

Stay Safe,
Miss Sinister

You don't know self hate until you've chewed and spit a doughnut.

151. Down I go!

I'm very excited today. Feeling empty makes me feel beautiful.

Stay beautiful!

Miss Sinister

152.5

I know it might seem strange but I am currently outside of my work in my car writing this on my laptop. I don't go in for another 30 Minutes and it seems better to waste my time out here than it does to sit around and stare at the walls inside. I really do not want to bring my laptop in there. I mean who knows what would happen if someone read over my shoulder. I guess I could lie and claim this is a weight loss vegan blog.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention. All my coworkers think I'm a vegan. To be honest if it weren't for my store bought protein shake it would be true. I keep going to the same Wallgreens every morning and buying the same thing. Which today they were out of by the by talk about tough choices 200 calories of not what I wanted... However I go there so often the Clerk knows me. He and I bullshit about life and we laugh a bit before I leave. I am curious to know if he is just friendly or if he is hitting on me. Personally I can never tell. I really hope he isn't though. I get a little freaked out when people hit on me and I can not handle it. I just want Ben why do people not understand that ALL I WANT FROM THEM IS FRIENDS?

Anyhow I am down to 152.5. Which is a nice change from yesterday. I am going to keep this up until I hit my goal weight.

In other news my mum has worms. What kind we have yet to find out. I am mortified for her, really grossed out, and vaguely curious if that is why she is losing weight. Did you know that some people actually purposely infect themselves with worms to lose weight? That is so gross I can not even tell you. I am horrified at the thought that I to could have these intestinal parasites. At the moment I have not noticed any of them but I will be keeping a keen vigilance now that I know they are present in the household. It is so creepy that my mom has worms and all the dogs might too, We have to treat everyone of them as well as the cats. I will keep you all updated as to how it goes.

In other news I love my job but the pay is really shitty. Hopefully a better one will come along sooner or later.

Lots of love, and stay beautiful out there.

Miss Sinister

601 calories

I've been really good but I'm not seeing results. I know I can't have everything but I want everything.

I'm scared I'm not doing enough. Maybe I should go do pushups or something. Fuck.

20 things someone with an eating disorder wishes they could tell you.

I envy you for being able to eat without a burdening feeling of guilt, shame and self loathing.

I often envision myself eating normally - enjoying it - but the idea is always better than reality.

Please don't feel guilty about eating in front of me. Watching other people eat with enjoyment spread across their faces fills me with a warmth you wouldn't know.

I wish I could cook for you and share the meal together. I really do.

My anorexia isn't an attempt to be thin and beautiful. It's about disappearing entirely.

My bulimia isn't about having my cake and eating it. It's about punishing myself.

I'm sorry that I cancel on you so much but my bulimia forces unexpected dates upon me that I have to attend.

If I do ever eat anything in front of you, take that as a huge sign of trust.

If I do ever eat anything in front of you, please don't bring any attention to this situation.

Eating disorders aren't just a starvation of food - they are a starvation of life and joy.

I am not being rude when I don't join in your conversations about food. I just feel so disconnected from that part of life.

It annoys me when you go on diets because you're perfect and happy as you are. Don't ruin that. I know where obsession leads.

I didn't look at a picture of a model and seek to acquire their figure. I looked at myself and hated the reflection; I thought I took up too much space.

When I ask you if I look big, I am not attention seeking. I need reassurance that my quest to diminish is working.

Me not wanting to be your size doesn't mean I think you're fat. It means I associate your size with happiness of which I am not worthy of.

When meeting new people, please don't imply that I eat to try and make me not stand out. I think they will see me as weak for being an eater.

My eating disorder doesn't act alone; its friends are depression and anxiety.

I used to love food and still do. I probably think about food more than you do.

My eating disorder isn't a choice - it's an illness.

I will never expect you to understand me and my disorder as I don't think I even understand myself.

I found this very powerful, and true for the most part. I think personally this is something normal people need to know.  Please feel free to add more if you have any.
<3 Miss Sinister

153.5

I just discovered that my coffee has calories. 12 of them to be exact.

Black coffee is 12 calories. I'm heartbroken.

So now I will be adding in those calories. I'm so mad since when does black coffee have calories?

FUCK.

154.5

As long as its going down I m happy. Praying for 150 by Wednesday.  ♡♥♡

So that went well... Not.

I ate a piece of pizza, subsequently had a panic attack, freaked out over the calories and purged it.

I wish I could blame it all on Ben but I can’t. I am weak around him and he makes me feel safe and happy; which subsequently makes me feel like I’m allowed to eat. So I ate and then freaked out as previously stated. 

Ben actually threw out all of the food in the house trying to get me to calm down. HE THREW AWAY HIS DINNER AND NOW IS REFUSING TO EAT. Which as I am sure you’ve guessed it by now is making me feel even worse. How much of a fuck up am I that I can’t even eat one meal without crying. I should have just stuck with the plan to not eat tonight. It would have been so much better. Ben would have been okay with it. He is always okay with it.

Anyhow I think I got it all out and it worries me how nonchalant I feel about vomiting up what a normal person would consider a snack, Ben can eat half a medium size Pizza by himself. Why did once slice do this to me?

Eating disorders, That's why.

Want pictures anyone?

156, Roses are red, violets are grey; I shouldn't have eaten anything today.

Today and the past few days have been going well. I know it seems hard to believe but I am going to be fasting around my boyfriend now. I can't handle eating with him and then starving myself when I get home. So now I guess I am going to be just starving myself all the time now. Yeah my brain is broken like that.

I have a new job, again. Now I am working at a vet clinic and it is a ton of fun. Although the trade off for liking my job is the pay is total shit. Although I told everyone at my work I am a vegan so they leave me alone when I don't eat around them. Work keeps me from thinking about food though. I do try to restrict as best I can when I am off but today I feel like a total fat ass. I ate 321 Calories thus far today. I am going to tell Ben tonight I don't want to eat anymore and I am going to ask him to not ask me to eat at all anymore. I want to lose at least 50 pounds and I feel like that is totally doable in the next two months,

All it takes is 30 days to lose 30 pounds. 30 days of fasting to create a habit. right now I am on day 3 of being good. I plan to make day 10 then day 20 then day 30 then day 40 and so on. I will be the master of myself.

Make yourselves proud,

Miss Sinister

157

Day one of the fast went well. I was not tempted to eat at all. I'm happier now that I'm down to 157. I think I'm going to keep fasting for a while. Makes me happy to be fasting. I feel constructive.

Anyhow my mum and I are going horseback riding today. I am excited because not only have we not gone riding in forever but it is a wonderful chance to burn calories.

Stay strong lovelies day two is upon us.

159.5

The laxatives I took are still working their way through my system. I managed to go a bit this morning but I can feel a fire in my gut still so I know they are not done quite yet. Thus far today I am drinking coffee and feeling like a fat fuck. I have a modeling gig in Austin in a few weeks and they want the slim girl in my photos not a fat ugly pain in the ass that I am currently. I am ready to have a panic attack now; so I am liquid fasting until further notice. How am I going to impress these people? They work with supermodels not just fat girls who used to take pretty pictures.

I don’t even know if I could still do this. It has been so long since I did a photo shoot. I’m freaking out.

Hopefully I can lose at least 14 pounds before the shoot. I can only pray it will work out at this point, I am sure I can still make a photo look okay but the question is can I make it look good enough to sell? I really don’t know the answer to that.

Stay strong loves,

Miss Sinister

I binged, I purged, and I fucking weighed in.

160.5. I know It's night time. I know I weigh more because of the weight of the food, I really can not be made to care, I am inches from a full blown meltdown. I loath my entire being. Please someone kill me. I want to fucking die.

As the title says: I binged and then threw up some of it. I know the cycle well so I am breaking it as fast as I can. I bought juice at the store, 5 calorie juice to be exact. I am taking laxatives right now and starting a juice, water, and tea fast for at least 48 hours starting right now. I refuse to let this kill me. I will not allow this to happen. I am stronger than this, I am the one in control.

I would like to say now that I love every single one of my readers. I know most of you will not comment but I get your emails and your texts and the few of you who do comment; well I want you to know I read them all. You all make me really happy. You make me feel like I can be in control of myself; it’s because of you that it’s possible for me. So thank you. I love you all, stay strong when I was not able to. Know that I’m with you and at least when we fail that we have each other to rely on.

Stay sane out there,

Miss Sinister

155

So tired... Can't sleep... Don't want to eat. WHY DOES MY BRAIN KEEP ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT?!

Three hours of sleep makes me hate myself.

Let us love you until you love yourself.

I am watching a documentary called “hungry for change”. One because I always like to see if there is something I can learn from these people, and two because people talking about improving their lives and their weight makes me less likely to eat. It was then that one of the men spoke about joining a group where there motto was:  “Let us love you, until you love yourself.” I think this is brilliant and something a lot of the people on this site need. I can’t speak for the rest of you but I personally joined this community to find friends, to find someone who would accept my awful habits and treat me like a person again. I wanted to find people who looked at me and didn’t see my eating disorder. People who struggle with the same awful problems I do every day. I found that, as well as I found people who hate themselves as much as I hate me. I found people who shame others and people who support others; I found human beings who are beautiful and flawed and perfect exactly as they are.

I have come to the realization that I love you. I love everything about you, from your thighs to your hair to your brain to your broken and disordered thoughts. I love you for all the things that you hate about yourself. I love you for the things you do to recover and the things you do that promote your disease. I love you despite the fact we have never seen each other; I love you despite the fact we may never speak. I love you because you deserve to be loved and that means so much to me.

I understand if you can’t love yourself right now. I understand if you hate everything about yourself. You may always feel that way I can’t promise it will change. I can’t look in a mirror or step on a scale without hating myself; fuck I can go running or even watch TV without finding some way to loath my entire being.  I’m not asking you to love me, it’s more often than not I don’t feel like I deserve love; like I don’t deserve to be happy. However with or without your permission I am going to go on loving YOU, until you learn to love yourself. Because you deserve to know how it feels to have someone love you. You deserve to be happy and I truly believe that given time and having an active group of people who love you that you will learn to love yourself.

So when you beat yourself up please remember someone out here loves you, and nothing you do will change that.

156.5 Fuck Fuck Fuck

I had a bad night, I fasted all day long but last night B wanted to get food and we went to Taco Bell. Fucking Taco Bell. I am so mad at myself I looked up the calories and it was close to 1500 calories in one meal. The good news is MFP still says I will lose weight but I feel doubtful because they are used to someone with a normal metabolism not one that has been screwed up by my eating habits.

Today has been a good day I have thus far managed to avoid eating and I have only had black coffee and 276 Calories of Vodka. Aka 4 Ounces. I am avoiding food like the plague and I even told my mum I was starting to eat healthier so she will not question me not eating any fatty foods or sharing in her meals. I supposed we will just have to wait and see if she gets suspicious.

I am currently happier about being able to progress forward to my goal weight. I really think I can do this, I want to be pompous and say something like: it's not hard to lose weight you just have to want to, because the formula for how to lose weight is simple.

Calories in - Calories burned = weight loss/gain

Despite it being a simple formula and a simple plan I find it is not always easy. Even just eating healthy and trying to be a normal person is exhausting. Someday if I ever get to a place where I am normal and truly recover, i.e. no longer have disordered thoughts and feelings regarding food, I will have to come back here and at least inform you all about it. Maybe someday.

I am feeling very sad today because I feel like B is going to leave me. I know he doesn't like my ED he hates it but today I saw him really get pissed about it. We were driving in my car and I said I wanted to lose about 60 pounds and he said: "You are not THAT big." I got really quiet because he even said it, THAT big. I am still big, at least bigger than I should be. He then started saying how he was done talking about it because he had just offended me again and I take everything the wrong way. HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT?!

Not THAT big.
Means I am in some way BIG.
Which is not okay at all. Not in my book anyhow.

God how I wanted to kill myself in that moment. I mean I don't blame him for feeling the way he does it's hard enough to watch the woman you love slowly trying to kill herself with food but to have to hear about it to is just to much. Maybe I should just start lying to him about it? But then I am lying to the only person I want to understand me. I can't lie to him, Maybe I will just stop talking about it. If I can that is. All I talk about these days is fasting or exercise or food or meal plans. I feel so damaged.

I have started the search for a friend who has an eating disorder. Someone I can talk to that might actually understand the anguish I feel over eating a cookie. Or eating anything at the moment to be honest.

Lots of love,

Miss Sinsiter

156

Starvation is control
Control is tough
Bones are beautiful
When thin isn't enough.

Random thinspo and my own ramblings.

I think the world would be a beautiful place if I were smaller, I just want to be tiny pretty and perfect. I will not be able to cope with anything less and I know that about myself.

Currently I am watching these beautiful ballerinas dance there is a show all about them on Netflix. I find it incredibly triggering and I enjoy watching them dance. Makes me wonder if I had been able to keep dancing where I would
be today. I need to cam today but I really want to be boring and do nothing while I wait for the call from the Human Resources Department that will allow me to get the background check done so I can start working as soon as possible. I really can not wait to go to work so I can be around all the other people eating and not want to eat out of boredom,


I think I am going to post my favorite thinspo quotes from the internet and that way I will always be able to find them again on here. To be fair though I think I have done that more than once, Any how here you go!

You have to believe in yourself. And you have to believe deep within the bottom of your soul, feel you can do the job you have set out to do. 
It doesn't get easier, you just get better at it. 
It doesn't matter how slow you do, as long as you don’t stop or look back. 
Do not give up what you want most for what you want at the moment. 
Hunger hurts but starving works. 
The difference between Want and Need is Self Control. 
I have come too far to take orders from a cookie. 
You only fail of you stop trying.

160.5

Half a pound down. 60.5 pounds to go. Although I always said I didn't want to get below 105. I guess when I finally get there again I can make my mind up for sure,

I keep having these conversations with myself and they go something like:

If you eat you should eat in front of a mirror.
Your legs are fucking huge.
You should skip lunch today.
Don't eat.
...
And then my sad little self responds with: "Okay."

I am happy I lost half a pound, It is sad that just that one little thing is what made me feel better. I mean I know I am still a whale. I know that I am still not perfect.

Today I am drinking black coffee. I used to hate black coffee...I am learning to like it though. I think in reality its really just Stockholm Syndrome. You learn to love the things that take you away from the world. You learn to love the thing that kidnapped you and ruined your life. You learn to love a disease that will kill you because you don't have a choice anymore.

It is sickening, We all do it I think. Correct me if I am wrong here but eating disorders are something we hate, We loath the fact that we hate ourselves, We abhor the relationship we have with food. However we also can't stop, We love how being empty feels. We love how the world thinks we are to thin.

So as I sit here writing this I want you to know that while I hate this disease and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I also love the control it gives me over my life. I have been thin and I have been beautiful. I can get back there. If you doubt me let me show you how wrong you are.

Stay sane,

Miss Sinister

I am broken.

I need to sleep and workout but I can't because I have a job interview. Which is surprisingly good news. I hope I get it, it's waiting tables so it involves being around food which I know will trigger me into not eating.

 Also as a side note I totally just went to my interview and got the job! I am so excited! So I am very excited to be triggered into not eating every day. Is that bad is it wrong? I don't know anymore, I feel like shit on a fucking cracker.

I am back on MFC which is a cam site that basically does softcore porn. I am making okay money at it so I am pretty happy with it. Although I wish i was skinnier so I would look better on camera. I have a modeling gig up in San Antonio and another in Austin so I am hoping to lose some weight so I can go up there and look awesome on camera and make more money.

It sucks that I can't do what I love to do without feeling like I need to lose 60 pounds. I really do though. 

I need to lose at least 60 pounds and I am not even joking. I stepped on a scale this morning and holy fuck balls I was 162 pounds y'all. I had to talk myself out of putting a gun in my mouth. So instead of killing myself I am eating MUCH MUCH less than a normal person would today. I have eaten 610 calories thus far today and I am making dinner tonight which I can not get out of eating because my mum is involved. Could be worse. I am making a broccoli crust pizza with low calorie everything. It should come out to 275 calories for half the pizza. My mom should be able to see me eat and be happy that I am making strides forward, Learning to beat the system. Although I suppose I am not really eating less than most people just less than I have this past week.

Lots of love to all of you out there, Stay safe,

Miss Sinister

Who knows what I weigh. Who cares? Oh yeah... I do.

So I am really unhappy and as such I can’t stop feeling like crap. B is trying really hard to put up with me but I can tell he is angry with me all the time. I’m too excitable. I can’t control it though. I want to say it’s not my fault but I get bored I get anxious, I do stupid things without thinking and it bites me in the ass. I know it is my fault, I know I should be on medications. Not taking my medications sucks but I can’t do anything about it until I find a job again. Fuck I’m even applying at fast food restaurants I just need a job to pay my bills. Once I have that I can focus on me again. On making myself happy again.

I am FUCKING DEPRESSED.  I just want to enjoy life again and I can’t right now. I can’t do anything without a bloody job. I need money to function. I can’t even pay my car note. Let alone my insurance.  Someone help me, please god help me.

Anyhow I am starting small with my eating habits. At this point I am more than anything just trying to eat less, not better food just less of it all. Small changes is what works best for me. And by not cutting out things like I kept doing before I might be able to avoid the binge/purge cycle that always follows when I go head first into fasting or restricting. I wanted to do a liquid diet but I know if I do that then B will be so beyond worried. It’s not worth it to worry him. There was a point in my life when I would have said fuck what he cares about I am going to do what I want, but I love him. We have been fighting more than I want to admit but we are going to be okay. I hope so at least.  I hate fighting but at least it puts me off my appetite.

I love you all. Be safe stay lovely.

Miss Sinister

I don't know what I weigh, and to be honest I don't want to.

I am heavy, my fat girl clothes fit. B has been nothing but supportive and I love him for it. However I feel like a fat cow.

Fuck.

I bet I'm over 160. I bet I'm close to 170.

I started taking herbal pills and they kind of work. It's not being hungry that is the problem for me. It's my brain refusing to listen to me, I was told once that you can't lose weight unless you are ready to lose weight. When you are ready you stop making poor decisions.

Maybe I can start making the right ones.

Much love,
Miss Sinister

Little bit of truth for the day.

I am EXHAUSTED!

Applying for jobs is exhausting. I am so tired and I have been eating my feelings. I am amazed that Benny has not broken up with me yet. I SWEAR I WEIGH WAY TO MUCH. I don't even know how much I weigh. This is bloody ridiculous. Save me. SAVE ME NOW.

I miss the calm cool control that comes with not eating. Rather than eating pizza and baking cakes like a goddamn fat ass. I can't get back there, being off of my medications is killing me. I need to start taking my diet pills but I can't until I know that they have nothing illegal in them or even something legal that might look like something bad on a drug test. I don't do drugs, I really actually don't. I just need something to cull the inessential urge to eat everything in sight. What is this really? I hate it.

I literally spend all day going: “You are a fat pig. You are a fat pig. You are a fat pig. OH look PIZZA.”

WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?

I can't even have a proper eating disorder, I have to go on this bullshit binge series

Kill me.

More importantly I need a nap and more importantly I need to get better. This is horrid. I want to love myself again. Why is that so much to ask?

I am not doing this today. Just no.

I am just not equip to handle this shit.

I am taking laxatives, Right now. And I am removing this crap {no pun intended} from my system as soon as it is possible. I can not be 150 pounds. I'm crying. HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? I AM SO ANGRY I AM UNABLE TO EVEN LOOK AT MYSELF. IF I WERE IN MY HOUSE I WOULD BREAK MIRRORS.

It's like what the actual fuck was I thinking. I can't do this to myself over and over again. I constantly tell people don't do this, Don't be like me. Its fucking SATAN in your DAMNED BRAIN EATING YOUR SOUL. But then I can't eat like a normal person. I can't be normal. Fuck I'm not even kind of normal.

So what right do I have telling anyone not to follow me to hell?

Well today is a new day and I'm once more starting to make changes hopefully positive ones that wont lead me on another binge/purge cycle. I hate purging it FUCKING SUCKS.

I'm a mess without my medicine. I'm sorry I'm jumping around so much here. I can't seem to pick a subject to talk about today.

B will be home soon. I'm worried he is going to start reading my blog. I try really hard not to hide things from him. I hate it when he hides things from me. So I guess this is it, he gets my permission. WHOLE NEW BREED OF TERRIFYING.

How the fuck do I explain that eating is a disaster for me. How do I show him everything? You can not explain the hundreds of emotions I feel when I'm trying to decide if I'm worthy of eating a carrot because carrots have way to many calories, but then I make brownies and eat that... Yeah because that makes tons of sense. Fucking moron. That's all I am is a god damned moron. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF HE FUCKING READS THIS SHIT?! I quite honestly am the most codependent person on the planet and he is going to see this and be like:" That bitch is psycho. I should totally bail before she loses it again and starves herself to death."

He is going to leave me. Holy fuck... What the ever loving fuck have I done.

We don't have secrets, We can't have secrets. Secrets kill relationships. I'm killing mine right now in this moment. Right here, right now. I should never have told him about this. This was a HORRID choice. WHY AM I SO IRRATIONAL? Although that explains so much about me it's a little sad.

Well B... If you read this: I'm so sorry I've kept this shit from you, and I love you. More than anything. Please don't hate me.

150.8 Fuck Fuck FUCK

Do you know what having a boyfriend gets you? Fat. It gets you fat. I've dropped 5 pounds in three days and I'm hoping to drop at least a pound a day until I hit 130 again. The trouble is every time I see him we end up eating and I can't say no to food without him worrying like crazy...

FUCK.

So yeah I guess it could be worse. I mean I could have just kept eating constantly until I ballooned up to 190 again. How do I keep ending up here? It's like I'm fine I'm okay... Then I'm eating... Then I'm not eating... Then I'm a whale. Kill me. Kill me please.

139

I'm back in the 130's! Jump for joy!

I put B in a bad place though. This morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was excited because I think I look better, not great mind you but better, and he said: "Way to go baby!" Which made me want to restrict harder to get to my goal weight faster so he will think I look better. I know he meant it in a positive way, I ate dinner with him last night and we have been able to hang out a few times this week which makes me happier overall, but I always take it in a bad way. Funny how that works.

I love him more than anything. I can't imagine losing him and I know this bullshit will make him leave me. But I can't stop. Even when I was full on attempting recovery I was spending an abnormal amount of energy trying not to count calories. Thins like going out to eat were a nightmare, still are for that matter. I want to stop but I can't even begin to think of doing something else.

This is going to dive him away from me, this will make him hate me.

Fuck.

Here lies the backlog from the last month of no internet. Sorry everyone!

Here I am again, stuck somewhere between trying to recover and not knowing how. It has been so long since I had a healthy relationship with food I don't know how to being to eat normally. The last few days I have not binged or purged or even really counted calories. Today I have eaten three meals one of which I refuse to look up the calorie count in [I am positive I will have a panic attack if I find out and as they say ignorance is bliss...] and I am really trying not to beat myself up for allowing myself to eat. It's beautiful outside and I am looking forward to going on a run today without needing to run off my calories. Just running because I like to run. It's a weird concept to me that is totally normal to everyone else.

In other news a man I am dating told me he loved me. It is weird for me because while I do have feelings of love for him I didn't say it back... I ALWAYS SAY IT BACK. I am so BEYOND codependent that I always say it first I think it first and this time I didn't. What is wrong with me? Am I broken? Or is this a sign that I have been fixed?

Who knows. He is amazing he makes me feel perfect just like I am. He makes me want to be normal so I can live a life with him. A real actual happy life. This never happens to me. Even my ex who I really liked and I deeply cared for made me feel beautiful because he made me feel small. This is so weird. Weird, weird, weird. Save me from myself here why is it that one week, yes you read that right I said a week although we have known each other longer than that almost three years we have been kinda sorta hanging out but only as friends, he has me giddy and head over heels and non stop smiling.

Even now hung over as fuck I'm happy I have him in my life.

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The above is from a week or so ago, I guess I wrote it but never posted it. Now I am back on my computer so this next bit is the current one.

Okay I weighed myself just now. I couldn't take the suspense and holy fuck I WEIGH 138 POUNDS. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. EIGHT POUNDS IN JUST A WEEK. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

I am trying to remain calm but the last few days have been non stop eating because of the people at my new job. I am constantly being fed and yesterday and today I actually ate of my own free will. Recovery is a bitch and I don't think I am doing it right. Currently I am trying to not have a panic attack. I am totally not adding up my calories for today or I will cry for sure.

B knows about my Eating Disorder, and he knows I am trying to get better but he doesn't get the drama that goes on in my head all the time. I wish he did. That would be incredibly helpful. :/

Anyhow I am going to be trying to restrict without relapsing. Is that at all possible? Am I kidding myself here? Probably I am, Who knows though it might not be so bad to relapse. Who gives a fuck if I starve? I should stop there because B does, and he would hate me if he read this. I mean legitimately hate me and possibly even leave me. I don't want to recover anymore. I want to go back to being empty and pretty and feeling beautiful because I am so small. Right now I feel like a god damn whale. Huge and useless. I could go make myself throw up my breakfast but I took medication and I can't waste it. That shit is way to expensive to toss down the toilet.

I want to talk to someone about this but I don't want to bother B with it. It's a lot to hear from the girl who you claim to love that she wants to go back to starving herself; that she can't stand to look in the mirror anymore; that there is nothing you can do to help. I am going to fucking ruin him if I talk to him about this. I care about him to much to keep hurting him. Maybe I should leave him so he wont have to be hurt by me? Would that make it better or worse? Most likely worse. If I leave him I would be leaving the only positive influence my life has left; I would be ripping my heart out to keep a disorder I don't know if I want anymore. I just want to be happy with how I look. Why is that so fucking hard?

So I keep writing these and not posting them. I'm really sorry yall!

So yesterday I said fuck recovery. I know I shouldn't. I know I am killing myself but I can't stop. I am sitting here staring at a peanut butter cookie and I don't even want to eat it. I did taste the batter when I was making them but that was hard enough. My dog even dropped her toy in my soup this morning. The universe is telling me not to eat.

I gave recovery two months and 17 pounds. SEVENTEEN POUNDS. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 147.2 pounds. Today I was 140. I fasted yesterday and today I am restricting. I have eaten a few spoonfuls of tomato soup, one peanut butter cookie and a bite of a chicken sandwich. That is all I can stomach for the moment. I've been drawing food a lot today. I drew an apple turning into a skull. It's really quite pretty and I can't decide if I did it because I'm fasting or because I don't want to view food as something healthy anymore. Who knows my brain is already super fucked up what is a little more to add to the mix?

I miss working. I got fired over Christmas because of my coworker. I listened to her and posted up a picture on face book that was against a policy and I was terminated for it. Fucking sucks. I've been job searching like a mad woman and that has needless to say fueled the fire. I feel like I'm useless. Like a waste of space.

I can't tell Benny. No really I can't. I need to. This is something he deserves to know, but I can't talk to him about it. What the hell do I say? Oh hey baby by the way I stopped eating again. Hope that is okay! Yeah because that will go over well.

I'm exhausted.

Okay I just ate the cookie. So that makes two cookies I have eaten today. At least my calorie count is under 800. I'm in panic mode about this whole thing. I do not want to end up gaining weight. I did that it was miserable. I just want to be skinny again. Is that so bad? I only want to feel beautiful.

This is a cluster fuck of not having internet. The oldest stuff is at the top. Sorry if it is really confusing.

Hello Relapse...

I was so close. So close to being able to be happy and then I did something stupid. I stepped on my scale. I gave recovering 17 pounds. That's enough. I can't do it anymore.

I don't have internet at my house so I have a ton of unpublished entries that I will try to post up here as soon as possible. Mostly what you all need to know is B my boyfriend is super mad about it. I try to be honest with him but I don't want to worry him. I lost 6 pounds in two days. I'm not really okay but I'm not really not okay either. Maybe that's why I feel like he doesn't need to worry so much. I tried to talk to him about it and he just got super worried. NOT WORTH IT.

Currently I'm just trying to cope with this and it's difficult to say the least. I love him enough that I don't want to keep doing this but I can't not think like this. He is sitting here right next to me, not reading this mind you he is watching football, but he is telling me that he loves me. He loves me I know that, hell we are working toward building our lives together and buying property and building a home. He loves me in a healthy way that makes me really happy inside and out. But the truth is I only feel beautiful when I'm hungry.

 

It's difficult to explain to him because he isn't familiar with it. He is concerned about me and I know it. He is trying to be gentle and he asks me to eat all the time but I can't help how I feel. Even talking about it is making it worse. Fuck recovery. Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me.