Here lies the backlog from the last month of no internet. Sorry everyone!

Here I am again, stuck somewhere between trying to recover and not knowing how. It has been so long since I had a healthy relationship with food I don't know how to being to eat normally. The last few days I have not binged or purged or even really counted calories. Today I have eaten three meals one of which I refuse to look up the calorie count in [I am positive I will have a panic attack if I find out and as they say ignorance is bliss...] and I am really trying not to beat myself up for allowing myself to eat. It's beautiful outside and I am looking forward to going on a run today without needing to run off my calories. Just running because I like to run. It's a weird concept to me that is totally normal to everyone else.

In other news a man I am dating told me he loved me. It is weird for me because while I do have feelings of love for him I didn't say it back... I ALWAYS SAY IT BACK. I am so BEYOND codependent that I always say it first I think it first and this time I didn't. What is wrong with me? Am I broken? Or is this a sign that I have been fixed?

Who knows. He is amazing he makes me feel perfect just like I am. He makes me want to be normal so I can live a life with him. A real actual happy life. This never happens to me. Even my ex who I really liked and I deeply cared for made me feel beautiful because he made me feel small. This is so weird. Weird, weird, weird. Save me from myself here why is it that one week, yes you read that right I said a week although we have known each other longer than that almost three years we have been kinda sorta hanging out but only as friends, he has me giddy and head over heels and non stop smiling.

Even now hung over as fuck I'm happy I have him in my life.

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The above is from a week or so ago, I guess I wrote it but never posted it. Now I am back on my computer so this next bit is the current one.

Okay I weighed myself just now. I couldn't take the suspense and holy fuck I WEIGH 138 POUNDS. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. EIGHT POUNDS IN JUST A WEEK. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

I am trying to remain calm but the last few days have been non stop eating because of the people at my new job. I am constantly being fed and yesterday and today I actually ate of my own free will. Recovery is a bitch and I don't think I am doing it right. Currently I am trying to not have a panic attack. I am totally not adding up my calories for today or I will cry for sure.

B knows about my Eating Disorder, and he knows I am trying to get better but he doesn't get the drama that goes on in my head all the time. I wish he did. That would be incredibly helpful. :/

Anyhow I am going to be trying to restrict without relapsing. Is that at all possible? Am I kidding myself here? Probably I am, Who knows though it might not be so bad to relapse. Who gives a fuck if I starve? I should stop there because B does, and he would hate me if he read this. I mean legitimately hate me and possibly even leave me. I don't want to recover anymore. I want to go back to being empty and pretty and feeling beautiful because I am so small. Right now I feel like a god damn whale. Huge and useless. I could go make myself throw up my breakfast but I took medication and I can't waste it. That shit is way to expensive to toss down the toilet.

I want to talk to someone about this but I don't want to bother B with it. It's a lot to hear from the girl who you claim to love that she wants to go back to starving herself; that she can't stand to look in the mirror anymore; that there is nothing you can do to help. I am going to fucking ruin him if I talk to him about this. I care about him to much to keep hurting him. Maybe I should leave him so he wont have to be hurt by me? Would that make it better or worse? Most likely worse. If I leave him I would be leaving the only positive influence my life has left; I would be ripping my heart out to keep a disorder I don't know if I want anymore. I just want to be happy with how I look. Why is that so fucking hard?

So I keep writing these and not posting them. I'm really sorry yall!

So yesterday I said fuck recovery. I know I shouldn't. I know I am killing myself but I can't stop. I am sitting here staring at a peanut butter cookie and I don't even want to eat it. I did taste the batter when I was making them but that was hard enough. My dog even dropped her toy in my soup this morning. The universe is telling me not to eat.

I gave recovery two months and 17 pounds. SEVENTEEN POUNDS. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 147.2 pounds. Today I was 140. I fasted yesterday and today I am restricting. I have eaten a few spoonfuls of tomato soup, one peanut butter cookie and a bite of a chicken sandwich. That is all I can stomach for the moment. I've been drawing food a lot today. I drew an apple turning into a skull. It's really quite pretty and I can't decide if I did it because I'm fasting or because I don't want to view food as something healthy anymore. Who knows my brain is already super fucked up what is a little more to add to the mix?

I miss working. I got fired over Christmas because of my coworker. I listened to her and posted up a picture on face book that was against a policy and I was terminated for it. Fucking sucks. I've been job searching like a mad woman and that has needless to say fueled the fire. I feel like I'm useless. Like a waste of space.

I can't tell Benny. No really I can't. I need to. This is something he deserves to know, but I can't talk to him about it. What the hell do I say? Oh hey baby by the way I stopped eating again. Hope that is okay! Yeah because that will go over well.

I'm exhausted.

Okay I just ate the cookie. So that makes two cookies I have eaten today. At least my calorie count is under 800. I'm in panic mode about this whole thing. I do not want to end up gaining weight. I did that it was miserable. I just want to be skinny again. Is that so bad? I only want to feel beautiful.

This is a cluster fuck of not having internet. The oldest stuff is at the top. Sorry if it is really confusing.