139

I'm back in the 130's! Jump for joy!

I put B in a bad place though. This morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and I was excited because I think I look better, not great mind you but better, and he said: "Way to go baby!" Which made me want to restrict harder to get to my goal weight faster so he will think I look better. I know he meant it in a positive way, I ate dinner with him last night and we have been able to hang out a few times this week which makes me happier overall, but I always take it in a bad way. Funny how that works.

I love him more than anything. I can't imagine losing him and I know this bullshit will make him leave me. But I can't stop. Even when I was full on attempting recovery I was spending an abnormal amount of energy trying not to count calories. Thins like going out to eat were a nightmare, still are for that matter. I want to stop but I can't even begin to think of doing something else.

This is going to dive him away from me, this will make him hate me.

Fuck.