So that went well... Not.

I ate a piece of pizza, subsequently had a panic attack, freaked out over the calories and purged it.

I wish I could blame it all on Ben but I can’t. I am weak around him and he makes me feel safe and happy; which subsequently makes me feel like I’m allowed to eat. So I ate and then freaked out as previously stated. 

Ben actually threw out all of the food in the house trying to get me to calm down. HE THREW AWAY HIS DINNER AND NOW IS REFUSING TO EAT. Which as I am sure you’ve guessed it by now is making me feel even worse. How much of a fuck up am I that I can’t even eat one meal without crying. I should have just stuck with the plan to not eat tonight. It would have been so much better. Ben would have been okay with it. He is always okay with it.

Anyhow I think I got it all out and it worries me how nonchalant I feel about vomiting up what a normal person would consider a snack, Ben can eat half a medium size Pizza by himself. Why did once slice do this to me?

Eating disorders, That's why.