So I am really unhappy and as such I can’t stop feeling like
crap. B is trying really hard to put up with me but I can tell he is angry with
me all the time. I’m too excitable. I
can’t control it though. I want to say it’s not my fault but I get bored I get
anxious, I do stupid things without thinking and it bites me in the ass. I know
it is my fault, I know I should be on medications. Not taking my medications
sucks but I can’t do anything about it until I find a job again. Fuck I’m even
applying at fast food restaurants I just need a job to pay my bills. Once I
have that I can focus on me again. On making myself happy again.
I am FUCKING DEPRESSED.
I just want to enjoy life again and I can’t right now. I can’t do
anything without a bloody job. I need money to function. I can’t even pay my
car note. Let alone my insurance. Someone
help me, please god help me.
Anyhow I am starting small with my eating habits. At this
point I am more than anything just trying to eat less, not better food just
less of it all. Small changes is what works best for me. And by not cutting out
things like I kept doing before I might be able to avoid the binge/purge cycle
that always follows when I go head first into fasting or restricting. I wanted to
do a liquid diet but I know if I do that then B will be so beyond worried. It’s
not worth it to worry him. There was a point in my life when I would have said
fuck what he cares about I am going to do what I want, but I love him. We have
been fighting more than I want to admit but we are going to be okay. I hope so
at least. I hate fighting but at least
it puts me off my appetite.
I love you all. Be safe stay lovely.
Miss Sinister
Heads up, it will get better. I'm searching for a job myself. This *one night a week* job isn't enough anymore. I think it's a good idea to just try to eat the same food just a little less.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes