156.5 Fuck Fuck Fuck

I had a bad night, I fasted all day long but last night B wanted to get food and we went to Taco Bell. Fucking Taco Bell. I am so mad at myself I looked up the calories and it was close to 1500 calories in one meal. The good news is MFP still says I will lose weight but I feel doubtful because they are used to someone with a normal metabolism not one that has been screwed up by my eating habits.

Today has been a good day I have thus far managed to avoid eating and I have only had black coffee and 276 Calories of Vodka. Aka 4 Ounces. I am avoiding food like the plague and I even told my mum I was starting to eat healthier so she will not question me not eating any fatty foods or sharing in her meals. I supposed we will just have to wait and see if she gets suspicious.

I am currently happier about being able to progress forward to my goal weight. I really think I can do this, I want to be pompous and say something like: it's not hard to lose weight you just have to want to, because the formula for how to lose weight is simple.

Calories in - Calories burned = weight loss/gain

Despite it being a simple formula and a simple plan I find it is not always easy. Even just eating healthy and trying to be a normal person is exhausting. Someday if I ever get to a place where I am normal and truly recover, i.e. no longer have disordered thoughts and feelings regarding food, I will have to come back here and at least inform you all about it. Maybe someday.

I am feeling very sad today because I feel like B is going to leave me. I know he doesn't like my ED he hates it but today I saw him really get pissed about it. We were driving in my car and I said I wanted to lose about 60 pounds and he said: "You are not THAT big." I got really quiet because he even said it, THAT big. I am still big, at least bigger than I should be. He then started saying how he was done talking about it because he had just offended me again and I take everything the wrong way. HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT?!

Not THAT big.
Means I am in some way BIG.
Which is not okay at all. Not in my book anyhow.

God how I wanted to kill myself in that moment. I mean I don't blame him for feeling the way he does it's hard enough to watch the woman you love slowly trying to kill herself with food but to have to hear about it to is just to much. Maybe I should just start lying to him about it? But then I am lying to the only person I want to understand me. I can't lie to him, Maybe I will just stop talking about it. If I can that is. All I talk about these days is fasting or exercise or food or meal plans. I feel so damaged.

I have started the search for a friend who has an eating disorder. Someone I can talk to that might actually understand the anguish I feel over eating a cookie. Or eating anything at the moment to be honest.

Lots of love,

Miss Sinsiter