I am not doing this today. Just no.

I am just not equip to handle this shit.

I am taking laxatives, Right now. And I am removing this crap {no pun intended} from my system as soon as it is possible. I can not be 150 pounds. I'm crying. HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? I AM SO ANGRY I AM UNABLE TO EVEN LOOK AT MYSELF. IF I WERE IN MY HOUSE I WOULD BREAK MIRRORS.

It's like what the actual fuck was I thinking. I can't do this to myself over and over again. I constantly tell people don't do this, Don't be like me. Its fucking SATAN in your DAMNED BRAIN EATING YOUR SOUL. But then I can't eat like a normal person. I can't be normal. Fuck I'm not even kind of normal.

So what right do I have telling anyone not to follow me to hell?

Well today is a new day and I'm once more starting to make changes hopefully positive ones that wont lead me on another binge/purge cycle. I hate purging it FUCKING SUCKS.

I'm a mess without my medicine. I'm sorry I'm jumping around so much here. I can't seem to pick a subject to talk about today.

B will be home soon. I'm worried he is going to start reading my blog. I try really hard not to hide things from him. I hate it when he hides things from me. So I guess this is it, he gets my permission. WHOLE NEW BREED OF TERRIFYING.

How the fuck do I explain that eating is a disaster for me. How do I show him everything? You can not explain the hundreds of emotions I feel when I'm trying to decide if I'm worthy of eating a carrot because carrots have way to many calories, but then I make brownies and eat that... Yeah because that makes tons of sense. Fucking moron. That's all I am is a god damned moron. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF HE FUCKING READS THIS SHIT?! I quite honestly am the most codependent person on the planet and he is going to see this and be like:" That bitch is psycho. I should totally bail before she loses it again and starves herself to death."

He is going to leave me. Holy fuck... What the ever loving fuck have I done.

We don't have secrets, We can't have secrets. Secrets kill relationships. I'm killing mine right now in this moment. Right here, right now. I should never have told him about this. This was a HORRID choice. WHY AM I SO IRRATIONAL? Although that explains so much about me it's a little sad.

Well B... If you read this: I'm so sorry I've kept this shit from you, and I love you. More than anything. Please don't hate me.