160.5

Half a pound down. 60.5 pounds to go. Although I always said I didn't want to get below 105. I guess when I finally get there again I can make my mind up for sure,

I keep having these conversations with myself and they go something like:

If you eat you should eat in front of a mirror.
Your legs are fucking huge.
You should skip lunch today.
Don't eat.
...
And then my sad little self responds with: "Okay."

I am happy I lost half a pound, It is sad that just that one little thing is what made me feel better. I mean I know I am still a whale. I know that I am still not perfect.

Today I am drinking black coffee. I used to hate black coffee...I am learning to like it though. I think in reality its really just Stockholm Syndrome. You learn to love the things that take you away from the world. You learn to love the thing that kidnapped you and ruined your life. You learn to love a disease that will kill you because you don't have a choice anymore.

It is sickening, We all do it I think. Correct me if I am wrong here but eating disorders are something we hate, We loath the fact that we hate ourselves, We abhor the relationship we have with food. However we also can't stop, We love how being empty feels. We love how the world thinks we are to thin.

So as I sit here writing this I want you to know that while I hate this disease and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I also love the control it gives me over my life. I have been thin and I have been beautiful. I can get back there. If you doubt me let me show you how wrong you are.

Stay sane,

Miss Sinister