Husbands.

For a while I worried that Matt was reading this blog, then I remembered that he can't even finish my Facebook posts before he gets bored of reading them so I feel like I shouldn't worry to much. I want to talk to him about the way I'm feeling and hopefully move past it but he hates talking to me; let alone dealing with my feelings. So long story short my feelings don't get looked at or paid attention to. Did you know I went out of my way to give him a romantic night and he has never even tried to do the same? I mean I get that he is a guy but to not even care enough to be romantic at all? I feel like he hates me. Like I am just some fat ugly huge waste of space. I just want him to love me.

I can't tell him that I have an eating disorder. I can't tell anyone. Why would they believe me when I am so fat? I can't explain that I am fucked up beyond repair that I am fat as a whale and I just need someone to love me and tell me I'm pretty no matter what I look like. The sad part is I will never love what I look like. No matter what they say or what they do I will always come back to hating myself again and again. I feel thinner today and I am hoping I will continue to lose weight until I am down to 115 pounds.

Is it wrong that I kind of was hoping he might have enough interest in my life to snoop and read my blog? I know he wouldn't though; it's too long and he dosn't find my life that interesting. I don't know how to feel about that. I listen to him and I try to understand and even respond when he talks but he doesn't seem to ever want to talk to me. Maybe I talk to much. He did say I was annoying when I was chatting with him on our jog. Maybe I should just quit talking to him until he starts talking to me. Maybe that would make him happy?

Maybe, maybe, maybe... I keep saying that. What I really need to do is start saying things like. Today I will be happy. Today I will eat brilliantly and say fuck everyone else. I did feel a bit better with my stomach growling all day though. Made me feel like I was accomplishing something even though all I did was mope and look at thinspo all day. Hopefully everything will continue working out for the better.

I keep telling myself to stay positive. Matt hates it when I am negative. That just makes me sad though. I can't be happy for long without looking over my shoulder scared that shit is going to go wrong. FUCKING STOP IT AND JUST BE HAPPY!

Thinking thin,

Miss Sinister