142.4

Shame. That is what I am currently feeling. So much shame. I hate myself for last night. I blame Matt, I blame society, but mostly I blame myself. It is my hand, it's my mouth I could just say no. I could just push back when I am pushed. I could just let it be a fight every time we get together to eat.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I get to a point where I feel like it is okay to eat because I have been so good and then I hate myself for eating. Then I restrict for days on end until I finally feel better again then comes date night and since I am with Matt I binge and then I purge. Or I end up with three nights in a row with him like I did this week where I basically eat to look normal and then he laughs at me for eating and makes me feel worse about myself. I mean seriously I am eating to make him happy and then he laughs at how I do it? WTF?!

I am doing a liquid fast today and possibly tomorrow too until I get back down to 140 [ish] pounds. I am not sure if I should start taking fiber pills or laxatives since I have never used them before to push the excess food out of my system in the next few days. I did some research on different kinds of laxatives and honestly I really scared myself. It seems like they are really dangerous. Maybe I can buy prune juice or something similar? I hate to just buy juice since it has so many calories in it but I have been wanting a juicer so maybe I can buy one with my tax return. So many options so little time.

I feel so horrible today and the only thing in my system is coffee and my various medications. Dear lord can anyone tell me what is wrong with my brain today?

So I did discover the best app ever and it is called: 'Zombies, Run!' It actually plays a story line into your headphones while you are running and zombies chase you. I was sprinting so fast I got a stich in my side. It is un-fucking-believable! Buy it its terrifying and amazing!

Think Thin!

Miss Sinister