I think it is hard to admit this but I think I might end up lowering my goal weight if I get to 115 and am still hot happy. I'm so close to 130 and that was what I wanted before but I'm not sure if it's what I want now. I just still see fat when I look in the mirror. Maybe that will change after I get past 130. Maybe 120 will be it but I know for sure at 115 I will need to tell myself to stop. I don't want to be so underweight I start to get worse health problems. I mean I'm already dying, why would I want to kill myself faster?
Anyhow I met a buddy via MPA that I can KIK with and she keeps me sane, honestly it's like having a kindred spirit who just wants you to be happy and safe. She stopped me from a full blown panic attack when I binged with Matt on BBQ the other night. I got most of it back up but obviously it was a horrid thing to go through. She even kept me from slicing open my legs again. Solid cat that one. She has the skills and compassion to be a champion! I seriously love that woman. (In a totally not weird friend kind of way.)
Tomorrow is my official cheat/date night with Matty so I need to remain strong today and tomorrow morning so I won't gain a crazy shit ton of weight afterwords. I promised him we would do this in our attempt to fix our marriage so no matter how it impacts my scale I'm going to do it. We need to work together and the weight will come back off it always does. Remain calm and don't panic, I keep telling myself this and I believe it.
So I guess I should quit typing my life story here considering I'm sure I am annoying people with my rambling but I just wanted to say I love life again. I'm happy again and it's all due to finding people like me out there in the world.
Stay strong, think thin!
Miss Sinister
No comments:
Post a Comment