Maybe he changed his mind about wanting a baby because he wants to be able to leave me without any ties to bind us.
Maybe he is losing weight so he can be more attractive to other women so he can find someone else.
Maybe he thinks I'm not good enough.
Maybe he is sick of me.
Maybe...maybe...maybe...
I don't know what all these thoughts are inside my head or why they are there. I feel like everything that has been going so well is a trap. A 'let her be happy so when it all fails she gets to be miserable' trap.
The worst part is I don't know why this is happening. Maybe it's all because I have hated myself for so long that the doubts can't help but creep into my mind. It's like a demon lives in my head and badgers me about everything I could do better. It tells me that I don't deserve Matt and that I never will. That he would be happier without me around.
I want him to be happy and watching him being excited about getting healthy is great. I just wish I could feel like I understand why he is doing it. I wish I could feel like I deserve him. I wish I could love myself as much as I love him.
There are days I do. There are days I love myself more than anything. There are days I can find my self worth. But then there are days where I hate myself so much I can't stand it.
My stomach has been applauding me all day. If there is one thing I can control it's my fucking self. I'm going to be thin. That's it. That's all.
Maybe then I can be happy.
Miss Sinister
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