Honestly running makes me feel better. It soothes my soul in a way that nothing else can. Looking in the mirror today I feel a hell of a lot better about everything that has been going on. It's like I can handle it again.
I know deep down that Matt is my husband, I married him for Christ sake. I should trust him. And I do trust him for the most part. Although I have my creeping doubts I know he wouldn't really try to hurt me and make things harder on me than they already are. I don't know if he is planning to leave me or whatever but I do know that I owe it to him to trust him until he gives me a reason not to. HONESTLY WHY CAN'T I JUST LET A GOOD THING HAPPEN THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
I always wait until things get good and then I fuck them up. I need to be the one to stay positive and stop pushing my negativity on to him. He doesn't want to hear it and I don't blame him. I'm a fucking nutcase! Who would want to be with me anyhow? He is such a catch and I am so lucky to have him in my life I should just be happy. I should just live my life trying to make him happy to keep him.
I won't do that though. I did that and I was miserable. I am going back to loving myself. I am getting back down to a weight that I loved myself at. I am working hard to make my life good again. With or without him. I need to be selfish for a change. I need to care more about myself than I do him just like he does. I need to keep him as my best friend and my lover and focus on being happy. That's it. No more sappy crap no more sad feeling I am going to be fucking happy damn it.
On a side note... WHOOT LOST A POUND! It is funny how losing weight didn't cross my mind till my rant was over. It is going to be a great day!
Much love,
Miss Sinister
This is about me and my life. It is my journey through time and space and about personal discovery. This will be triggering and hard to read, you have been warned.
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