I'm probably going to go see my buddy tonight but I made him promise no trying to feed me lol. Maybe if I can convince him we can go for a jog or something. That could be super fun! :] besides even a walk is better than nothing you know!
Things with Matt are still strained at best and I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe it was a mistake to stay together since he obviously isn't willing to make long term changes to make our lives better. I ask him to be spontaneous and he drops the ball. I ask him to pick something fun for date night and all he wants is sushi. Can't he think of anything that doesn't involve food? It seems like he just hates me these days. I don't even care if he is happy anymore since I am so unhappy. Of course when he changes again I will love him again and then it turns right back around it's a horrid cycle. I miss having someone who loves me all the time. Who actually cares about my happiness. Who actually enjoys sex for fucks sake. I mean what kind of guy lies about finding you attractive and then refuses to have sex?
It's fucking triggering. You want to know why I'm eating disordered? It's the constant back and forth with him. His porn addiction triggers me like none other. How can I compete with an 18 year old skinny girl? I mean seriously? Not to mention the fucking name calling and horrible shit he does. I should just leave him, but I love him so I won't.
Maybe he will notice someday and change? That's what I keep waiting for. The guy I used to have. The guy who used to love me. Not the prick I have now.
Stay skinny loves, and I will write you soon I promise.
Much love,
Miss Sinister
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