145.4

Don't ask how I got here, I don't really know what is wrong with me or why I do this to myself.

Most importantly I am back up to 145.4 pounds and I am liquid fasting for the next two days to hopefully sort it out and get be back down to where I was in a fucking hurry. I am miserable being this heavy again.

I ran today and my net for the day is under 100 calories so I am pretty happy about that. I am going to lift some weights soon and hopefully lose this weight in the next three or four days. I figure if I can put it on in three days I should be able to get it off in three days. Especially if it is bloating and the weight of the food still being processed by my terrible digestive system. I am hoping that by drinking tons of water and tea I can flush out my system without the use of laxatives. I have never used them and they scare the crap out of me!

On a TMI note the break-though bleeding from my birth control still has not stopped and I am looking forward to starting a new pack so I can hopefully no longer have this fucking issue. I hate it. I feel like I can't do anything sexual with my hubby and I feel like an emotional wreck all the fucking time for no reason. FUCKING KILL ME PLEASE!

On a happy note I am going to be doing a liquid fast at least one day a week for the foreseeable future. I am aiming to do two days, Friday and Saturday since I will not have to go to work or anything. Hopefully I can hit 130 in the next two weeks, that's the plan anyhow.

I hope all you folks out there are doing better than I have been. STAY STRONG!

Much love lovelies,

Miss Sinister

144.8

How does this happen? Seriously 8 pounds in two days are you kidding me? I know some of that is the food being processed and water weight from salt and there has to be bloating from the alcohol last night from date night but still!

I'm back to being huge! I'm only eating a fiber one brownie today to hopefully get this crap out of my system and them I'm back to an all liquid diet till Sunday. So smoothies and tea for me! And that is it! No if ands or buts about it!

I really want to buy an ana bracelet too since I found one that is so pretty on MPA but I'm going to try to make one first. Might be cheaper! And lord knows I need to save money!

Date night was brilliant though, freaking beautiful truly. We danced and had tons of fun. Matt was a total gentleman and we had tons of fun! I can only pray we will be doing it again soon! Tonight it's a run then video games for us, hopefully maybe even some sexy times. ;3 I am so beyond happy with my relationship it makes gaining weight almost okay. I felt so pretty and perfect last night and it's all his fault. it's brilliant.

Much love to everyone out there!

Stay strong!

Miss Sinister

137.6

Finally off my liquid fast and back on solid foods! The first two days were fun but the third one was super hard since I had to be at work all day.  I was beyond tired and crazy nauseous. The good news is I've lost weight (and binged) but still kept losing so I'm happy! The coolest thing about the liquid diet is there is no waste in your stomach so it cleanses you out and helps you get a really true measurement of your actual weight.

I think it is hard to admit this but I think I might end up lowering my goal weight if I get to 115 and am still hot happy. I'm so close to 130 and that was what I wanted before but I'm not sure if it's what I want now. I just still see fat when I look in the mirror. Maybe that will change after I get past 130. Maybe 120 will be it but I know for sure at 115 I will need to tell myself to stop. I don't want to be so underweight I start to get worse health problems. I mean I'm already dying, why would I want to kill myself faster?

Anyhow I met a buddy via MPA that I can KIK with and she keeps me sane, honestly it's like having a kindred spirit who just wants you to be happy and safe. She stopped me from a full blown panic attack when I binged with Matt on BBQ the other night. I got most of it back up but obviously it was a horrid thing to go through. She even kept me from slicing open my legs again. Solid cat that one. She has the skills and compassion to be a champion! I seriously love that woman. (In a totally not weird friend kind of way.)

Tomorrow is my official cheat/date night with Matty so I need to remain strong today and tomorrow morning so I won't gain a crazy shit ton of weight afterwords. I promised him we would do this in our attempt to fix our marriage so no matter how it impacts my scale I'm going to do it. We need to work together and the weight will come back off it always does. Remain calm and don't panic, I keep telling myself this and I believe it.

So I guess I should quit typing my life story here considering I'm sure I am annoying people with my rambling but I just wanted to say I love life again. I'm happy again and it's all due to finding people like me out there in the world. 

Stay strong, think thin!

Miss Sinister

138

AND GOING STRONG BABY!

I am heading to work soon and I need to get ready still so I am going to make this short.

I LOVE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!

142.4

Shame. That is what I am currently feeling. So much shame. I hate myself for last night. I blame Matt, I blame society, but mostly I blame myself. It is my hand, it's my mouth I could just say no. I could just push back when I am pushed. I could just let it be a fight every time we get together to eat.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I get to a point where I feel like it is okay to eat because I have been so good and then I hate myself for eating. Then I restrict for days on end until I finally feel better again then comes date night and since I am with Matt I binge and then I purge. Or I end up with three nights in a row with him like I did this week where I basically eat to look normal and then he laughs at me for eating and makes me feel worse about myself. I mean seriously I am eating to make him happy and then he laughs at how I do it? WTF?!

I am doing a liquid fast today and possibly tomorrow too until I get back down to 140 [ish] pounds. I am not sure if I should start taking fiber pills or laxatives since I have never used them before to push the excess food out of my system in the next few days. I did some research on different kinds of laxatives and honestly I really scared myself. It seems like they are really dangerous. Maybe I can buy prune juice or something similar? I hate to just buy juice since it has so many calories in it but I have been wanting a juicer so maybe I can buy one with my tax return. So many options so little time.

I feel so horrible today and the only thing in my system is coffee and my various medications. Dear lord can anyone tell me what is wrong with my brain today?

So I did discover the best app ever and it is called: 'Zombies, Run!' It actually plays a story line into your headphones while you are running and zombies chase you. I was sprinting so fast I got a stich in my side. It is un-fucking-believable! Buy it its terrifying and amazing!

Think Thin!

Miss Sinister

140.4

Sad to say it will mostly be water weight considering the horrid binge from last night and the purging. I seriously need to be stopped what is wrong with me?

More importantly I need to stay strong tonight so I don't binge even though Matt will be home. He is my biggest trigger and it's driving me crazy that I do so well until I see him. Then he tells me I'm to skinny and to eat something. 

I seriously find myself wanting to cry just thinking about it all. I feel fat and horrid still and I hate myself. I need to get stronger self control.

142.2

I am a mother fucking binge eating whore. I ate horribly last night and vomited it back up but there are the numbers back on my scale this morning. I always tell myself to remain strong but I fail when the testing time comes back around again.

I seriously need an ana buddy. Someone I can text when I feel a binge who will talk me off the ledge. I will happily do the same for you!

 I ended up throwing up some of the 400 calorie breakfast from this morning too but that was not entirely intentional. I think my body just hates food as much as I do. I wish you all the best of luck and honestly if you need a friend leave me a comment and I will happily message you. Trust me I need one too!

Stay skinny lovelies! 

Miss Sinister

141

I are a lot this evening but I am at 840 calories so I am still hoping to lose weight by tomorrow. 

Stay skinny!

Miss Sinister

Burned about 400 calories running today.

I know it is good to keep moving forward and I get that I am building muscle and it is heavier than fat so I am still getting smaller every day but it is so beyond discouraging to wake up and see my scale moving up.

I just want to get down to 115 pounds so I can feel pretty again. Is that to much to ask for?

So I ate around 750 calories today and since I burned off 400 I should be netting around 350 calories for the day so I am praying to whatever god is out there that I can be 141 by morning. It can't be that hard I have to be able to do this or I will literally cry my eyes out in the morning.

Not that my husband would care much. I feel like he is ashamed to be with me. But lets be honest why wouldn't he be? I am a fat ugly mess and I don't like me why should he like me?

I am having a very down day and honestly I just want to go to bed now but I need to do the dishes first and take a shower so I am going to get a head start on that. Hopefully tomorrow I will come back with better news.

Thin Thin!

Miss Sinister

142.4

I don't really understand considering I am eating well and exercising almost everyday. I guess I need to just restrict more and keep working harder. I feel so ugly and unattractive it is ridiculous.

I need to get headed to work now so hopefully after I work out tonight I can lose another pound by tomorrow. I am not sure this new scale is working out as well as I had hoped. :[

Miss Sinister

142

I bought a new scale today and I am hoping it will be more accurate than my old one. It claims it can read your weight up to .02 pounds!

I will be using it starting tomorrow which I am super excited about!

Matt is amazing, but I miss him like crazy right now and am super tired so I am heading to bed.

<3 br=""> Miss Sinister

143 (After my run 145 before, I know I am a fat ass)

So last night was date night and after getting drunk as hell and spending way to much money we went and bought  McDonalds. Yep and I ate like I have never eaten anything in my entire life. Today I am around 600 Calories total and I ran 6 miles so I am hoping to be netting in the negative so I can maybe be back down to 142.5 by tomorrow! I know it is a futile hope but I am praying all the same.

Matt planned a super fun night though which did get sidetracked by lack of sex and way to much drinking and my credit card getting stolen. *Insert another dramatic sigh here* The worst part is this morning we tried to have sex and I didn't even get to get started before he had gotten off and left for work. I guess we all know what his priorities are don't we?

Anyhow I seriously need a shower and possibly videogames before bed tonight. Maybe matt will make good on his promise and get me off tonight? If not I guess its horny and lonely again tonight.

I will try to make this longer if I have time to post again tonight but until then!

Much love! <3 p="">

 

Tiny Binge...

But it is on vegetables and I am still under 700 calories for the day so I don't feel bad about it. [Despite the fact that I feel SUPER FULL right now which is very abnormal for anyone like me]

Moving on! Matt gave me access to his computer again so I am infinitely happier than I was yesterday. Matt also was super cute earlier today so I love him again. How funny is that?

I am super excited about date/binge night tomorrow! I am going to drink at least 6 jugs of water during the day so I won't be able to put much into my stomach tomorrow night. I will binge and purge tomorrow since it is the one day I am allowed to but it's do much more than that. It's the one night I am allowed to have a good night and get drunk with my husband. AND I FUCKING INTEND TO BE HAPPY FOR ONE FUCKING NIGHT GOD DAMN IT!

I refuse to allow this disease to take away the one good night I get a week. I call it cheat night and it will be. I will try to eat something that will be easy to come back up though just so I wont feel like a total failure. :] I really don't even know what we will be doing tomorrow but hopefully it can be something fun. Or romantic. <3 p="">
Much love to you all! Think Skinny!

Miss Sinister

142.5

I heard it today. Even with my baggy sweater on, those three little magical words that make all of life seem better.

"Have you lost weight?"

Ah what a great feeling! :D

143! (Again)

The good news is from here on out I will be going down and not back up. Up is bad! Down is good! 

I'm probably going to go see my buddy tonight but I made him promise no trying to feed me lol. Maybe if I can convince him we can go for a jog or something. That could be super fun! :] besides even a walk is better than nothing you know!

Things with Matt are still strained at best and I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe it was a mistake to stay together since he obviously isn't willing to make long term changes to make our lives better. I ask him to be spontaneous and he drops the ball. I ask him to pick something fun for date night and all he wants is sushi. Can't he think of anything that doesn't involve food? It seems like he just hates me these days. I don't even care if he is happy anymore since I am so unhappy. Of course when he changes again I will love him again and then it turns right back around it's a horrid cycle. I miss having someone who loves me all the time. Who actually cares about my happiness. Who actually enjoys sex for fucks sake. I mean what kind of guy lies about finding you attractive and then refuses to have sex?

It's fucking triggering. You want to know why I'm eating disordered? It's the constant back and forth with him. His porn addiction triggers me like none other. How can I compete with an 18 year old skinny girl? I mean seriously? Not to mention the fucking name calling and horrible shit he does. I should just leave him, but I love him so I won't.

Maybe he will notice someday and change? That's what I keep waiting for. The guy I used to have. The guy who used to love me. Not the prick I have now.

Stay skinny loves, and I will write you soon I promise.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

Seriously do not get married.

His bullshit is grating and he doesn't seem to care about my happiness. Sex is disappointing, the lack of romance is disappointing, his lack of commitment is disappointing, his lack of spontaneity is disappointing. He is just an overall disappointment. He made a commitment to me to do date night once a week to try to fix our marriage, and he won't even keep that up instead he lies all the time and fucks me over so he can get what he wants.

Please don't get married. If you do you will end up hating your husband. Trust me I fucking hate mine.

He is a fucking fat ugly failure when it comes to making anyone but himself happy. He only cares about his orgasm. He only cares about stuffing his fat face because he is always hungry. Then he offers me food. What the fuck does he think? That I want to be fat like him for the rest of my life?

Even though he is trying to make himself better it is just becoming one more reason for me to hate him. He only cares for himself. I need a man to care about me. I have friends that I barely see that have planned better evenings for me than him. He can't even think of shit to do he is so fucking lazy. 

A full of shit, lazy, lousy in bed, bastard. God why did I marry him? What was wrong with me? I settled for him because he did, at one time, make me happy but now he is just lazy and beyond tired from walking. Yes that's right I said walking! (And he wonders why sex sucks. Go ahead and blame my looks when we both know who the fucking problem is.)

Go jack off to your skinny whores and remember that you fucked up with the only woman who ever actually loved you. 

I'm worth more than your bullshit. I deserve better. And trust me I can get a lot better than this shit. You made changes for the better and then went back on them. Who would stay with someone like that? Why would I?

What is the point of being with someone who does not care if you are happy? 

SM

143.5

Back down half a pound hopefully by tomorrow I can start heading back down towards my goal. I seriously need to quit binging like that. It's so bad for me and beyond unhealthy. 

The biggest thing to remember is that all progress no matter how smal is still progress and change takes time. It will come to those who want it and work for it. Nothing is easy if it's worth it.

Hopefully you are doing better than me. 

Much love! 

Miss Sinister

4 miles down and I'm beat!

I am going to keep trying to post at least once a day since this blog keeps me on track like nothing else can. I feel like I need to be honest and true to you all even though I know that I need to keep my self hidden it feels good to have people out there who want me to remain strong and determined. <3 br=""> I love you all.

I have my reasons for acting like I do and while I hate to say it I keep lying to people about not having an ED. It is totally believable considering what a fat cow I am. Seriously what kind of person is a 144 pound anorexic? Can I even qualify as an Ana? I do try to eat every now and again, and I do take vitamins, but I feel like I can't eat anything or I will eat everything. I don't stop when I'm full I stop when it hurts to keep eating and then I purge. It is terrible and the first time I lost a ton of weight I never did this insane binge purge bullshit so I think I just need to buckle down and start to control myself a lot better.

I am looking forward to tomorrow so I can weigh myself. I know I will have lost weight.

I am netting in the negative today I am sure!

Think Thin!

Miss Sinister

The hubby asked if I was bulimic

I told him no. Because I'm not. Really in not. I only use Mia after a really bad binge. So honestly I consider myself only an ana. 

To be fair if you looked at all 144 pounds of me you would never guess I had an eating disorder. I'm fucking huge. Besides that today is going well. I only ate 170 calories this far and even with forgetting my water bottle and feeling super dehydrated I could feel worse. 

Much love my anas.

Miss Sinister.

144

Back up again. Oh my god funking kill me. I do so well during the day but nighttime I ruin everything. I did run three miles last night so I'm terrified to think what I could have weighed had I not ran! :[

I need to stop the cycle of binging and purging mostly because it is super not healthy for you. It's tearing up my teeth and my throat and stomach. It's horrid.

I'm starting strong today and I will lose this pound by tomorrow. I'm going to the gym tonight for sure.

Much love to my skinny peeps!

<3

Miss Sinister

143.5

I am ashamed to admit that I ate garlic bread and meatballs in a marinara sauce last night and now it is showing on my scale. I wasn't even really hungry I just got drunk while trying to seduce my husband and then made a really shitty decision. I am going to try to do five miles today and hopefully if I avoid eating more than 200 calories I can at least get down to 143 again by tomorrow.

There is some good news that came from yesterday. I finished my motivation poster! And I love it! It is right above my scale so I know it it will be something I always look at. I highly recommend making one since they really do help!

I did get to have sex last night and we played a new card game that I made up that was pretty fun. It didn't exactly end well though since anal is so not my thing. I get why Matt likes it but seriously it's not fun at all. It was painful and unpleasant. honestly it reminded me of getting raped and I am not going to be doing it again anytime soon.

Matt wants his computer back now so I have to get going.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

143

 I am sorry for neglecting you! 

I have had way to much drama in my life since yesterday so forgive me for not posting something better. 

I promise to write to you again soon! 

In the meantime think thin!

Miss Sinister

144!

14 pounds to my next milestone and I'm hoping to hit it in the next two weeks. It feels so good to be losing weight again I can not even tell you. :3

Anyhow I need to quit forgetting to take my multivitamin. It's so scary to not provide your body the vitamins it needs to survive, it is what causes all the problems from starving ourselves. So if you don't take one start right now. They save lives!

I eventually need to start taking different kinds of vitamins so my metabolism keeps cranking along at a steady speed, I guess I can put that on the list of crap I need to buy. [Insert long exasperated sigh here.] I am broke! And I'm totally out of shampoo and conditioner! And almost out of body wash! And face wash! Gah someone give me money I'm broke as hell! :(

The good need is I ran off about 100 calories during my run and another 100 on the eliptical this morning so my 320 calorie breakfast should be mostly gone. 

Matt and I went out for sushi last night as date night and I made the mistake of trying to talk to him about my insecurities and he was a total twat. I can't handle is drama anymore. I was trying to talk about me and he turned it into how he can't win since I'm never happy.  Why is everything in his life about him? I was trying to tell him about how positive things are and why I'm so thankful for him and that it isn't his fault that I'm so unhappy it's just my head playing mind games with me. I guess at the end of it all he doesn't care enough to listen. 

So I went upstairs and purged and got as much of it out as I could. I'm rather amazed I've lost any weight though. it seems super weird that I ate more than normal and lost weight. I guess that's why eating sporadically through the day and never eating the same amount of food helps keep your metabolism working.  It's all about surprising your body! :D

The best news is I started a motivation wall in my bathroom. I'm going to write myself notes to keep myself motivated. I feel like it will help out tons. 

Skinny thoughts lovelies!

Miss Sinister

I knew it was to good to be true.

Matt turned into an asshole again when I tried to talk to him about how I have been feeling. Not to mention he likes anal sex better than regular sex. Oh and the TITLE of the fucking porn he watched this week had "TINY PETITE TEEN" in the title. That's what he wants. A tiny little girl. I should have just left him the first time I can't stand this ass hole.

MY ENITRE INSECURITY IS FROM HIM. IT IS FAULT. HE IS THE REASON I STARTED HATING MYSELF.

Why would he make real change? Why would he care about me? I'm just the thunder-thighs he married as a fucking back up. I'm the stumpy ugly fat ass he doesn't care about. I'm nothing to him. PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU FUCKING LISTEN.

I managed to get up most of our date night dinner but at least half the sushi stayed down and I can't get it up. I feel miserable that I ate, and the only reason I did was so he would fucking look at me like I'm normal but I could give a fuck what he thinks anymore. I was right. I need to be happy. He doesn't matter at all anymore. At least that is what I am telling myself. I hate him. If I hate him then he can't hurt me anymore.

I guess that's just life.

Fuck date night. This relationship was already broken beyond repair.

MS

145.5

Honestly running makes me feel better. It soothes my soul in a way that nothing else can. Looking in the mirror today I feel a hell of a lot better about everything that has been going on. It's like I can handle it again.

I know deep down that Matt is my husband, I married him for Christ sake. I should trust him. And I do trust him for the most part. Although I have my creeping doubts I know he wouldn't really try to hurt me and make things harder on me than they already are. I don't know if he is planning to leave me or whatever but I do know that I owe it to him to trust him until he gives me a reason not to. HONESTLY WHY CAN'T I  JUST LET A GOOD THING HAPPEN THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

I always wait until things get good and then I fuck them up. I need to be the one to stay positive and stop pushing my negativity on to him. He doesn't want to hear it and I don't blame him. I'm a fucking nutcase! Who would want to be with me anyhow? He is such a catch and I am so lucky to have him in my life I should just be happy. I should just live my life trying to make him happy to keep him.

I won't do that though. I did that and I was miserable. I am going back to loving myself. I am getting back down to a weight that I loved myself at. I am working hard to make my life good again. With or without him. I need to be selfish for a change. I need to care more about myself than I do him just like he does. I need to keep him as my best friend and my lover and focus on being happy. That's it. No more sappy crap no more sad feeling I am going to be fucking happy damn it.

On a side note... WHOOT LOST A POUND! It is funny how losing weight didn't cross my mind till my rant was over. It is going to be a great day!

Much love,
Miss Sinister

Husbands.

For a while I worried that Matt was reading this blog, then I remembered that he can't even finish my Facebook posts before he gets bored of reading them so I feel like I shouldn't worry to much. I want to talk to him about the way I'm feeling and hopefully move past it but he hates talking to me; let alone dealing with my feelings. So long story short my feelings don't get looked at or paid attention to. Did you know I went out of my way to give him a romantic night and he has never even tried to do the same? I mean I get that he is a guy but to not even care enough to be romantic at all? I feel like he hates me. Like I am just some fat ugly huge waste of space. I just want him to love me.

I can't tell him that I have an eating disorder. I can't tell anyone. Why would they believe me when I am so fat? I can't explain that I am fucked up beyond repair that I am fat as a whale and I just need someone to love me and tell me I'm pretty no matter what I look like. The sad part is I will never love what I look like. No matter what they say or what they do I will always come back to hating myself again and again. I feel thinner today and I am hoping I will continue to lose weight until I am down to 115 pounds.

Is it wrong that I kind of was hoping he might have enough interest in my life to snoop and read my blog? I know he wouldn't though; it's too long and he dosn't find my life that interesting. I don't know how to feel about that. I listen to him and I try to understand and even respond when he talks but he doesn't seem to ever want to talk to me. Maybe I talk to much. He did say I was annoying when I was chatting with him on our jog. Maybe I should just quit talking to him until he starts talking to me. Maybe that would make him happy?

Maybe, maybe, maybe... I keep saying that. What I really need to do is start saying things like. Today I will be happy. Today I will eat brilliantly and say fuck everyone else. I did feel a bit better with my stomach growling all day though. Made me feel like I was accomplishing something even though all I did was mope and look at thinspo all day. Hopefully everything will continue working out for the better.

I keep telling myself to stay positive. Matt hates it when I am negative. That just makes me sad though. I can't be happy for long without looking over my shoulder scared that shit is going to go wrong. FUCKING STOP IT AND JUST BE HAPPY!

Thinking thin,

Miss Sinister

Feeling insecure... Again.

I am finding myself terrified that my relationship with the hubby is on thin ice. 

Maybe he changed his mind about wanting a baby because he wants to be able to leave me without any ties to bind us.

Maybe he is losing weight so he can be more attractive to other women so he can find someone else.

Maybe he thinks I'm not good enough. 

Maybe he is sick of me.

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

I don't know what all these thoughts are inside my head or why they are there. I feel like everything that has been going so well is a trap. A 'let her be happy so when it all fails she gets to be miserable' trap.

The worst part is I don't know why this is happening. Maybe it's all because I have hated myself for so long that the doubts can't help but creep into my mind. It's like a demon lives in my head and badgers me about everything I could do better. It tells me that I don't deserve Matt and that I never will. That he would be happier without me around. 

I want him to be happy and watching him  being excited about getting healthy is great. I just wish I could feel like I understand why he is doing it. I wish I could feel like I deserve him. I wish I could love myself as much as I love him.

There are days I do. There are days I love myself more than anything. There are days I can find my self worth. But then there are days where I hate myself so much I can't stand it.

My stomach has been applauding me all day. If there is one thing I can control it's my fucking self. I'm going to be thin. That's it. That's all. 

Maybe then I can be happy.

Miss Sinister

146.5

I have no clue how this happened but I am so excited it did. I am finally getting back on track and I needed to so badly. I honestly am not really hungry even though I can occasionally hear my stomach growling. More like applauding! ;]

Matt has been keeping up with his working out too so maybe he will stick with it long term. While I am excited that our sex life and other general happiness will improve. I can't help but wonder if he has an ulterior motive. I mean what if he is losing weight so he can leave me? How do I know if he really wants to be with me and change for us or if he is doing it to find someone else?

Why am I so fucking insecure?

I miss feeling confident and I honestly can't wait to get back to that. I am so close to being back where I quit before so my minor goal is to get back to 130. After that then I am moving down to 115 pounds. I am so fucking excited. :]

Stay thin my loves,

Miss Sinister

Still 148

But who to blame but myself?

It's your mouth and your hand you have to be in control of yourself. 

It's all about control and I may dear friends have not been in control these past few days at all. :(

Tonight I will hit the gym and skip dinner. Considering the shameful breakfast I had.

Think thin! 

SM

Bing and purge and hate myself

Don't do it.

It is horrible.

148

I really hate my birth control. It makes me have a period for like three fucking weeks. Seriously fucking kill me.

I did lose that 1/2 pound that's been bothering me too so I am pretty glad I'm losing weight again. hopefully I can hit up the gym tonight and lose another pound by tomorrow.

Much love lovelies!

SM

I ran a total of 4.38 miles today!

Thats around 430 calories! :D so I am very happy to say I burned off the candy bars! To be perfectly honest I really want to eat another one. I hate myself when I binge but I binge reguardless. What is wrong with me?

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

SM

Still at 148.5, but I have news!

I ate two candy bars this morning. FUCKING TWO!

Don't even ask what is wrong with me I do not know. I went for a walk/jog with the hubby today though and he is talking about hitting up the gym together and we even bought some adjustable weights! So I am excited that he is jumping on the healthy train too!

Even though I am excited that we are going to be working out together and eating better I find myself worried that he has an ulterior motive. He gets into these 'lets get healthy' modes but then he changes his mind and gets all crazy I don't really know what to expect from him anymore. Maybe he just wants to change to get better? Or maybe he just wants to look better so he can go find someone else? I don't know the answer but the good news is regardless of how this all turns out in the long run I get to be happy. A skinny lady is a happy lady! ;]

I really really really enjoyed working out with Matty today though. {Yes that was three really's, I am that excited} Apparently I annoyed him pretty badly by talking while we were jogging because he was out of breath but honestly it felt great to just go do something positive and active for a change. Besides it was his first run and it was a 14 minute mile. I walk a 14 minute mile now so it was not strenuous for me, although he did a short sprint and I had a hell of a time keeping up with him so when he gets more stamina I am going to have to run alone sad to say. No matter what I am going to keep encouraging him and going with him as often as he will let me so we can grow closer and get sexy together. :]

Sounds like a plan yeah?

Anyhow I need to run at least 4 miles today just to work off the candy I ate, god I hate myself already, so I should really be heading out to the gym soon despite the fact that I would rather just stay home and sleep for like a year. Matty actually bought me pepper-spray today too so I can be safer while I am running at night! Did I mention that I am ridiculously happy?

Think skinny thoughts!

Miss Sinister