145

I have been contemplating my life as of late and I needed some change to keep myself from downing a bunch of pain pills and killing myself, so my friend did my hair for me and I am once again a brunette! It's awesome having brown hair again and this time I can just let it grow out and quit dying it all the time!

The downside is that after we did my hair we went out to eat and it turned into a huge binging session that now has me all the way back up to 145.  It has been a week of this. No control and non stop bullshit. This needs to end I need to stop.  

I'm contemplating whether or not I should try to make an effort to save my marriage. It's obviously getting better enotionally but physically there is nothing.  He loves these tiny girls and I'm not one anymore. I'm going to start crying soon I'm sure but at the end of the day I believe one thing more than anything else.

My husband likes tiny little women, he lies and tells me I'm beautiful because he is settling for me. I'm not what he wants, I'm what he thinks he can get. I'm what he is willing to take because he cant get the girls he is actually attracted to.

I think I have figured out why I've been so out of control lately. Instead of getting the physical relationship I need to feel satisfied I'm stuffing my face to fill the gap. I'm emotionally eating and in doing so I am making it a million times worse. No man wants a fat wife. I'm a fat wife. Obviously he doesn't want to have sex with a huge ass whale so I can't feel happy, because I'm not happy I eat. Welcome to my bullshit. 

I'm not going to set up some impossible standard to follow. I'm not going to try to lose this 5 pounds by tomorrow I know that's not possible. But by May 3rd for my husband's birthday I will be 115 pounds. I'm going to feel beautiful or I am going to fucking kill myself. He will never be happy with someone like me. The right thing to do is just let him out of a marriage he was never happy with.

I can change it or I can die trying. I wish I could just die sometimes. This is so painful for me and I hate myself more and more everyday. My husband doesn't even care that I'm angry or sad, I told him I would be normal for him and all he said was okay. I told him I would starve myself to feel in control he said okay. He dosn't want me around he wants me gone but loves me he wants me to stay. I just want to be beautiful again.

Okay I'm at work and I'm about to start crying so I am going to quit typing now.

Much love to you all. 

Stay Strong,

Miss Sinister