138.4? How I wish I was a normal girl.

I do not know if I should post that as my current weight or not. Here is why:

I ran 6 1/2 miles last night and during the day I was super good only eating around 570 calories, then I went to bed woke up in the middle of the night right when my hubby came home... That is when disaster struck. I have no idea how much I ate but it may as well have been my entire kitchen. :[

So this morning I woke up super late [which is 9 am for me] and I ate again, it didn't start out as a binge at least I didn't mean it to; it started out by a moment of wanting to be normal. A real normal wife that wakes up feeds the dogs and eats normal food; of course it turned into 'normal people eat pop-tarts' 'I haven't had this is forever I will take one more' and then it was mad crazy out of control binging and then purging. Then I took my medications and my husband woke up and I ate yet again, but because of my medications I couldn't throw up again. So I went out bought some laxative tea that I will be trying out tonight. Hopefully I will be able to get out all the crap in my system by tomorrow morning but I digress. I also bought a pre-workout supplement and I took half a scoop and went out and walked/ran 4 1/2 miles. I threw up unintentionally while running. Then again on my way home. Then again in my shower. I have been super nauseous after a b/p session before but all that came up was stomach acid and undigested peppers from this mornings last binge. Not to mention that I was and still am having really bad stomach pain almost like cramps and it is not normal for me at all.

I weighed myself after my shower since I didn't have it in me to weigh in this morning, I was honestly avoiding my scale again. It was guilt I was feeling and I did not want to fight the urge to keep punching myself in the stomach all day. I know some of it is water weight from the sweat lost during the run and dehydration from the vomiting but I really hope I don't gain any weight by tomorrow. I feel like crap for everything I have done today [and last night] and I can only pray this shit wont last. This is the worst feeling in the world.

All three dogs are curled up next to me and I am so glad I have them for comfort. I think I am going to call it early tonight and just try to get some sleep, because this shit could kill me. I really need to stop before I get any worse. The last thing I need is my husband to come home to me dead in my shower surrounded by my own vomit. He already picked me up out of the tub when I cracked my head last year, after the MRI and Cat-scan I was sure he would leave me but he stayed. He even payed the bill for it. If I can't stop this b/p cycle for me maybe I can do it for him. Maybe that is what I need to focus on. Making him happy by kicking bulimia's ass.

I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't want to go get help because they won't let me just kick one part of my eating disorder. They won't say, "I understand you want to stop throwing up after you binge so just stop eating again, because that is totally fine." I just want to either be normal and stop this bullshit once and for all, be a normal healthy dieter or just be happy eating 800 calories or less a day again. Like I was.

I always identified with being anorexic although I was never diagnosed, I ate between 100 and 800 calories a day and exercised like a manic child with ADHD. I lost around 90 pounds but I was never underweight. The only time in my life I was that tiny was when I was on massive amounts of drugs and that was well before I developed this bullshit with food. I never wanted to be underweight, now I just want to hit 115 and then I know I can be happy again. When I lost all that weight, before I met Matt and 'recovered', I never binged, I didn't even have cheat days because I was so dedicated to my scale going down that I decided not to eat anything anymore. Now I can't escape this cycle and I feel like I am being torn into pieces. I want to blame my husband, I want to say it is his fault since I recovered for him, since I made changes for him. I can't blame him though. I am the one who made a conscious choice to keep eating. I am the one who needs to stop. He is huge and I can eat him under the table on a binge.

On a totally different note my red bracelet that I made still has not fallen off. I prayed while I made it like you would a prayer charm and I really feel like there is power in it. I feel like it wont fall off until I am skinny, when I hit my goal weight or even just the weight I will be happy at it will fall off and that will be a sign that I have done it. Every time I have said a real prayer asking God for help he has helped me so I am going to make another one and sit down and pray tonight. I am going to make one asking for the strength to beat this B/P cycle, for the strength to go back to restricting. I am going to ask God to guide my mind to make better choices. Once I hit 115 I can work on eating more and upping my calorie intake to maintain a healthy weight, I can work on becoming a normal girl then. Now I know I am to weak to recover. I am to fat to be happy and as such the monster that is me will keep kicking me when I am down. \

I hope this wasn't to all over the place, I am just so tired and beyond out of my league with this crap today. I don't know where to begin or how to end it.

Stay strong, think thin, and pray for me,
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