I regret getting married. I regret ever meeting him. He makes me feel ugly, and fat, and worthless. He hates having sex with me and he makes me feel like it's my fault. I don't think it's my fault though. I think he is to fat to keep up. I think he eats to feel better too but he doesn't realize that he has an eating disorder as well.
He is obese and he can't stop eating. That's a disordered relationship with food if I ever saw one. I just eat and then throw up. Or I don't eat at all. How is that so bad?
I'm going to write this to get it out of my head. I'm not writing this for attention I don't want to kill myself I'm not depressed in any normal or suicidal way. I just want this thought gone so I am going to write it down and pray for the best.
If I didn't have my dogs to take care of, I would kill myself and never look back. I don't have a single thing left to live for. My husband hates me and I am starting to hate him back. It's festering inside my brain and it hurts like hell.
I threw up like 5 times today. I don't know if you can understand the amount of self loathing it takes to hurt yourself when you are down. I am giving myself bruises to stop the pain. Ironic isn't it?
sorry to hear you're struggling so much, i hope things get better soon. glad you have your dogs! why is it that we kick ourselves when we're down? pain to cover up the pain... it makes no sense and yet somehow it does. stay strong x x x
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
ReplyDeleteI know it is so weird that we punish ourselves at our weakest for being weak and yet somehow it makes us feel better.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment and I will be trying to stay strong for you.
<3 Miss Sinister