138.4

So I am not exactly on track anymore. But I'm glad that freaking number is going down again. 

I am seriously considering writing myself a note and putting it on my fridge and then another one on my pantry so I will be less likely to do this binging bullshit. 

Here are my favorites that might be getting put on my fridge tonight:

I was also thinking about writing stuff like: 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.'

I just don't know if Matt will allow me to keep thinspo all over the kitchen... Hopefully he will since I might just do it reguardless. 

We went running yesterday and I started to have some killer heart pain so I need to try to take it easy on the caffeine. I think that is what caused it. If it wasn't the caffeine then I have no clue what it was. Maybe my heart problems are getting worse? Or possibly I'm just working my body to hard and binging every night?

I noticed last night that I make a conscious decision to binge, it's not rational but it's there and it makes me feel like shit afterword when I've got a toothbrush down my throat trying to vomit up everything I've eaten. There is a monster, she lives in my head, she is ruthless and irrational and when she gets her mind set on something she is nearly impossible to please. That monster is me. 

It's almost like being three people, one is Ana, she wants to starve to death, she feels beautiful when she is empty and loves water more than anything. Another is Mia, she wants to eat everything in sight to fill a whole in her life but then feels so guilty and so full of self hatred she vomits everything back up. Then there is Sinister, who is scared to death of what she is doing to herself but she doesn't want to stop, because despite the horrible shit happening in her life she feels that maybe just maybe she can grasp the reins again and once more regain control.

Recently I have noticed that I am not the one I'm control anymore. I am starting to wonder if I ever was. 

I told Matt last night a bit about how all of this is making me feel and he seemed to understand it, or at least he looked at me and nodded and smiled. Which is a huge improvement over our previous conversations. It gave me hope that I might be able I live with this. That I might be able to regain control. 

That means the world to me.

Think thin my lovelies!

Miss Sinister