Having one of those days.

A few days ago my husband and I got into a huge fight. He called me tons of names and told me he was cheating on me. The next day he said he wasn't but he was still mad at me for the horrible things I said to him back so now we are no longer speaking. In the middle if all of this he lost his wedding ring and as such he has not been wearing it.

I feel so defeated. We were having a great night he told me I was perfect and beautiful. I finally felt pretty, and then everything went to shit and now I'm miserable again. I can't even look in the mirror after everything he said I'm right back to square one, I spent my morning crying in my shower hating everything about myself. I can't take it anymore.

I am still doing insanity but I'm eating way to much food so while I can see muscle building I can still see tons of fat. :/ 

I feel so ugly, I keep looking in the mirror and telling myself it's all in my head and to ignore it but today I feel huge. It's like my arms are twice what they should be. I'm miserable and I feel hopeless. I called my brother after I showered and he talked me out of being stupid thank god. He just blames Matt for everything and I don't think that's right. If he cheated on me then I will leave him but I was screaming at him too and I was just as bad as him for it.

It's so confusing to me. I want a divorce but I want to have the guy I loved back. I wish I wasn't me. :(

Bad body image

I feel like no matter how much weigh I lose my body still feels gigantic. It really doesn't help much that today I'm almost back up to 150 pounds. I feel huge, I know it can't all be fat, I know it's bloat and water weight and I know when I take a laxative tonight I will lose some weight from the crap leaving my system. 

It is just so hard to look in the mirror and never be happy. It starts to drive you mad after a while. I know there is no one on this blog who has a healthy body image so you all can get where I am coming from. Don't you just get those days where it feels pointless? Where you feel huge?

That's where I am right now. I'm bigger than I have been in a really long time and I feel like a whale. I keep looking at my face in my mirror and it seems like everytime I look the worse I get. :( 

I am trying to remain positive and not binge eat or restrict to heavily but this is so horrendous. I feel gigantic. 

Wish me luck I really need it.

Miss Sinister

149

One of the girls I work with just called me fat ass. Right after I was talking to her about being pissed that I am gaining weight like crazy. She doesn't know about my ED struggles. The only thing I can think now is.

'Thanks for pointing that out. I wasn't planning on eating anyways.'

I'm 465 calories in for the day and my goal is under 1200. Like a normal person would eat while dieting. I'm restricting in a healthy way. Hopefully this will work out for me, if not I'm going to just keep restricting until I get a number I am happy with. I can't let my ED win, it does not get to take over my life. I'm done, I meant it and I mean it now.

I am going to be a heathy happy 24 year old girl. I'm not going to let this monster win anymore. I'm determined to finish insanity and be super sexy and finally feel beautiful. I can do this!

Having a panic attack. Again.

147. One Hundred Fourty Seven. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING SEVEN. KILL ME I WANT TO DIE I HATE MYSELF.

I am back up to 147 pounds. I know I am building muscle I know that my scale is not the only way to show I am losing fat but I fucking hate myself. I can't stop eating crap. I am eating way than I am burning a day. I am binging. I hate myself. I want to fucking end this but I am convincing myself this is how normal people eat, it is how my husband eats. Why couldn't I be like my brother and eat everything I want and never gain weight? Why can't I be perfect?

Today is my rest day but I think I am going to do abs and arms and possibly go for a long walk. Maybe then I can feel better about eating 1400 calories for breakfast. The worst part is I feel so lonely right now that I only want to go eat so I will feel better. BUT I KNOW IN THE END IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME FEEL WORSE SO WHY DO I DO IT?

I ate pizza rolls this morning. 30 of them, with ranch dressing. Then I ran upstairs and threw up as much of it as I could. I am praying I got out at least half of it so I can be at 700 calories for the day. I took my medication and it is helping me to not continue binging since I know that I will not be able to vomit again without wasting a rather costly prescription.

The worst part is I am not out of control anymore. I am in complete control of myself. I make the conscious decision to stuff my fat face until I am sick. It is a choice and I make it with out thinking about it first. I put Thinspo all over my kitchen and bedroom, but I am not even looking at it before I make these horrible choices. I wish I knew a way to force myself to stop this bullshit. I am in control of myself why am I making these choices? It is because I deprived myself for so long that now I feel like I deserve it? Or is it because I hate myself and I want to see myself suffer? I can think of a hundred ways to cause horrible excruciating pain to my body but nothing hurts more than looking in the mirror everyday. I can see my thighs getting bigger with each passing second. I can feel my body expanding my stomach looks huge.

Maybe I am not able to recover yet. Maybe being a normal girl isn't really what I wanted. Maybe I can be normal when I hit my goal weight. I don't know. I can't be sure what normal is, I fucking need therapy. I am back to restricting again as of this very moment. At least when I am counting calories I can avoid having a panic attack when I step on my scale in the morning.

Wish me luck, and say a prayer for me. I will do the same for all of you.

<3 miss="" p="" sinister="">

How exactly do I know what is normal?

I am no longer restricting my diet. I started insanity and I am working out really heavily and as such I figured if I am going to be building muscle I should be eating more. The trouble is I have no idea how to be normal. I need help being a normal girl. I really am beyond not sure what normal really is.

I have no idea how many calories I am eating and I know if I was checking them I would hate myself so I am trying to avoid it for now. I missed my workout yesterday and as such I am doing two today to catch up. Fucking kill me.

I need a mentor. A NORMAL PERSON TO FORCE ME TO BE NORMAL. I wonder if that is possible.

I need to get up the energy to go workout, but I really don't want to. I need to hit 115 before we go to vacation in July. I need to. There is nothing I want more than to get to 115 pounds but I also want to be normal. Fuck my life.

Last night, more stories for you.

I sit anxiously waiting to see if by the grace of god he loves me again. Circling footsteps surround me, like vultures clawing at the dead feeling inside my heart and in my head. I am warm, much warmer than usual and the war in my head rages on. Baffled I sit and quitely listen to the voices that hurdle words like knives meant only to torment the soul and bruise the ego. The man and the woman scream obcenities at eachother and slam doors going angry to bed when they promised not to. Curled up like a child rocking back and forth I feel the cold start moving in.

 I can't sit still, fingers tap tap tapping away at the floor beneath me and fresh blood under my fingernails from last night slowing chipping away like old paint. I feel eletricity under my skin shocking me to the tips of my hair but failing once more to revive a broken heart. 'CLEAR' is shouted l feel it again the shock that pulses through me to my very core spreading pain and heat like wildfire but nothing stirs the broken pitiful thing resting inside my chest.

I watch now standing, circling once more from above looking down at the girl in the bed; my feet weaving trenches into the ceiling. Hair moving about my face as if there is a gentle breeze but I feel nothing upon my ghostly skin. I look pale, I look tired. I'm starving.i I suddenly realize how long it's been since I've eaten but food holds no appeal anymore. I can remember a long forgotten voice telling me quitely, as she brushes the tears from my face and she smiles in that oh so sickeningly sweet way: "Nothing helps you lose weight like a break up." I nod silently to myself and condescension slips into the black endless void where grief was waiting for it's turn. Anger sits biding it's time coiled up like a serpent ready to strike it has been silenced to the back of the cell since it's the reason everything got so screwed up. 

He isn't here yet. And that reassures me I am dying. Tears slip from my eyes freezing to my lashes as tiny crystals leaving beautiful frozen jewels to train down upon my cheeks. Broken I slip down cold as ice into my body but there is a wall that blocks my entry. A sign that sits nailed into the gnarled stone bricks reads. 'No dead allowed' so I sulk back out and once more resume my pacing on the ceiling with the dead mindless breeze that can't possibly exist tangling my dress around my legs.

Bile burns my throat and lava sits in my stomach burning me slowly, eating me from the inside out. Outside the cold is seeping in, cold as the middle of winter it starts on my fingers and toes slowly inching towards my core prickling my skin and hurting my muscles as I slowly but surely start to go numb.

I use my cold fingers to dig my nails into my chest ripping away the skin and bone prying up the ribs to reach the heart that lies cold and still inside. No blood seeps from the wound but the gore lies unmistakable a red smear marring what was once an unblemished canvas. What once he might have thought beautiful was now a morbid vulgar display showing how fragile humans really are.  I hold the heart like a mother would a child and wonder how something so beautiful could lie so still. It's changing colors before my eyes turning purple and blue then green as it starts to decay. It moves and for an instant hope flickers alive inside me and I breathe like a normal girl, it's a human girl breath: inhale sharp like a knife in the chest and a slow exhale. The heart cradled in my arms seems to shudder and shake before a blue liquid puffs out like a liquid smoke and runs down my limbs in morbid trails. The color leaving my skin tainted, stained by my own flesh and blood poisoned by his hatred of me.

For a moment I ponder my situation, and like so much glass breaking on a kitchen floor I realize I'm shattered. This body I hated for betraying my orders, this body I hated for feeding it's self when it was hungry, this body I hated for the fat that consumed it in it's entirety, this body was going to die.

I killed it, I did this; me myself and I. I broke the relationship that was the last strand securely wrapped around me like a spiders web holding me together. I broke the only thing I had left that mattered to me. 'Too much pressure.' That is what they would say, the doctors as they would prep me for autopsy. 'She put all her will to live into him, he couldn't handle it. Who could? Can you blame him? Too much pressure.' I don't blame him. I know deep down I couldn't handle it either.

The girl below me lies still as death cold features on cold skin, blue eyes and blue lips that I scream at to open; but if they hear me they take no notice of it. The heart lies shriveled a token of a love now lost still cradled as an infant would be against it's mother's chest. I pray for death to take me but no one appears. No skeleton in a black tattered cloak no sythe in hand, no smoke no storm clouds no thunder no lightning. There is nothing. I was hoping for angles or devils but I know in my heart none are coming. No hellfire awaits me, no clouds or purely gates. I am to walk about on ceilings pacing back and forth, above my corpse for all eternity. A eulogy lost somewhere in time. 

Does he wake up? Does he come in? If he sees me will he fall to his knees lie weeping at my bedside as he realizes that I am truly gone? I have gotten so cold I am leaving crystals in my footprints my breath like steam escapes my lungs only to freeze and fall frozen as frost bitten snow to the floor below. If he can sense me it doesn't show. The girl didn't move and he doesn't come. A lonely beautiful corpse that is what I am turning into. Silent night falls around me and the doctors sadly shake their heads and the room can only grow colder. A six headed serpent begins to emerge from the heart in my hands and I can hear them, their voices laced with heavy emotions to complex to name. "Call it." The serpent whispers my name and I lean closer to hear it. 

"Wake up."

I awake gasping for breath as I emerge from the dream that held me comatose in death's wicked grip for what feels like years. Fever dreams we call them, vivid and lifelike they can hold their own against reality griping you tight and holding fast long into your waking hours. I stand shaking and walk to him still asleep on the couch and I bend down to kiss his forehead. He ignores my presence and I hold back tears. I wrap my arms around myself and feel the bones beneath my skin. Still whole and unbroken on the outside I go back to my lonely bed and cry myself back to sleep.

I hate him, but I hate me more

The title says it all. What is the point of bring with someone if they hate you. When he isn't mad anymore he might love me again. Or he might not.

I'm tired and I'm fighting with myself. The amazing thing is I'm so fed up with myself I almost don't care what happens. If he leaves me my heart will break a little more and I will have to find my dogs new homes. Then I will blow my head off.

Matt said at dinner he lives for his job and  he wanted me to have that. I didn't have the heart to tell him I live for him. It's just one more sign I'm invested in this relationship more than he is. 

But we are married, married means forever. But it's not forever to everybody I guess. Some people take their vows more seriously.

I'm going to miss him forever. I miss him now.

SM

I'm unhappy

I'm unhappy with myself, with my marriage. I started the insanity program today and I am exausted after the fit test. How long can I go on like this. I hate this disorder. I want to be normal. But I also want to be skinny. 

I hate myself. I hate what this is turning me into. I need out. I need freedom. But I can't handle my husband anymore. I can't handle him sneaking looks at girls when we go out. I can't handle him preferring porn to sex. I was growing to hate him now I think it's just hate.

If you can't love the person you are with you should try to learn to love them again. The trouble is when you can't love them at all anymore. Then what so you do? Leave?

Someone save me from this nightmare. Seriously I can't handle it anymore. I'm not in control and I'm scared of what I am turning into. Save me from myself.

I think I am done.

Im done with having an ED. I'm done feeling like a failure. I binged today again. I purged but couldn't get anything out.

I feel like a failure and I'm just done.

Don't get married. No really I mean it don't.

Husbands love only themselves. They don't call they don't write. They don't give a fuck. 

I don't even think I love mine anymore. I just hate being with him. And I hate how he makes me feel. And I hate how we never have sex. The feeling of love are so few and far between I'm not sure why I married him in the first place.

He always ignores me, when I am home he just sits there when I call he ignores me. When I text he won't write back. I should leave him. I might be able to find happiness if he was no longer in my life. I guess I am still waiting to hopefully get the guy I used to have back. This bitch that replaced him is a horrible monster.

I am fighting back tears again and I am growing numb. I hate him. I don't remember the last time I loved him. I just hate him.

I am going to sound crazy but here you go.

I was reading some of my old blog posts when I realized I used to be bloody poetic at times. So I am going to try to write something new, forgive me if it is boring this is just how my brain likes to work sometimes.

Skin and bones, that is what society wants from me. What you want from me. What do I want, does it matter? "No!" they say as they slash me with words made of steel, and they glare with ice covered eyes laced with horror and unbridled contempt. I give in like always to calm the seas and return to that tranquil afternoon under the trees in the shade while we sip sweet iced eat and eat peach cobbler. The feeling of ice prickles up the back of my neck and I know more than anything I should stop eating. Ice down my spine and I tense electricity traveling down to my finger tips and toes so fast I might faint. "I'm full." I say, though I am lying this is the first thing I have eaten all week. It settles in my stomach like lead and I immediately hate the feeling. I beg god to kill me but the blow never comes.

Society tells me I'm sick. They say "Don't stop eating, but don't gain weight." This is a fight I have been fighting. I come ready, gloves on fists up ready to go to war with myself over something I am not sure I ever wanted. The mirror mocks me with reality as I watch the numbers on my scale go down but the size in the mirror go up. "Never happy?" I ask the mirror, and the girl inside shakes her head in a solemn no. I give in, I raise my shirt and I pinch the fat on my stomach pale flabby skin burdened by stretchmarks that lie like scars, torn flesh from fat moving in when the drugs moved out. I sit there now naked and look over my figure hating how I seem to expand the longer I look. Like the mirror is giving in and finally showing me what I knew to be true. My scale is lying to me. I look up at the mirror girl and she is giving me that look. The same look of vulgar disgust and vile hatred, that glazed over ice filled contempt that I can't seem to escape.

So I run, I run for hours till I am blue in the face and have fire running up and down my body; stomach full of lava and tears in my eyes. I run until I forget I am running and then I wonder where I am going as I hear the sounds of shoes on pavement. Feet slamming down so hard I know the ground would break. The concrete shudders as I run and suddenly I remember I am running. I feel horror rush through me as I stop and blood rises fast as lightning to redden my face, I sit there colored in shame. I dash home trying to keep my steps as light as possible. I run up my stairs and as quick as I dare step gently onto the scale which gives me hope. "Down a pound!" it shrieks and I hurry to jump off of it before it too has time to break. I run to my mirror and the girl looks so happy for one second before I see the look once more cross her face. "Not good enough." she says. And I once more try to appease her.

Broken and alone I find myself feeling torn between finally reaching the glittering tower that is my goal weight and remembering all that glittered is not gold. Clothes seem looser skin seems tighter but still she is not happy. I tremor, I shake, tears slip from my eyes like rain on a spring day but nothing is good enough. I find that the purple marring my skin is a broken blessed thing meant to save me. I wear them like war paint and proudly lie when under the authorities I am being questioned. Normal is an unknown thing, unknown is fear laced with toxic chemicals and burning acid. Normal is fat, fat is death. There you have it, I would rather be dead than fat.

138.4? How I wish I was a normal girl.

I do not know if I should post that as my current weight or not. Here is why:

I ran 6 1/2 miles last night and during the day I was super good only eating around 570 calories, then I went to bed woke up in the middle of the night right when my hubby came home... That is when disaster struck. I have no idea how much I ate but it may as well have been my entire kitchen. :[

So this morning I woke up super late [which is 9 am for me] and I ate again, it didn't start out as a binge at least I didn't mean it to; it started out by a moment of wanting to be normal. A real normal wife that wakes up feeds the dogs and eats normal food; of course it turned into 'normal people eat pop-tarts' 'I haven't had this is forever I will take one more' and then it was mad crazy out of control binging and then purging. Then I took my medications and my husband woke up and I ate yet again, but because of my medications I couldn't throw up again. So I went out bought some laxative tea that I will be trying out tonight. Hopefully I will be able to get out all the crap in my system by tomorrow morning but I digress. I also bought a pre-workout supplement and I took half a scoop and went out and walked/ran 4 1/2 miles. I threw up unintentionally while running. Then again on my way home. Then again in my shower. I have been super nauseous after a b/p session before but all that came up was stomach acid and undigested peppers from this mornings last binge. Not to mention that I was and still am having really bad stomach pain almost like cramps and it is not normal for me at all.

I weighed myself after my shower since I didn't have it in me to weigh in this morning, I was honestly avoiding my scale again. It was guilt I was feeling and I did not want to fight the urge to keep punching myself in the stomach all day. I know some of it is water weight from the sweat lost during the run and dehydration from the vomiting but I really hope I don't gain any weight by tomorrow. I feel like crap for everything I have done today [and last night] and I can only pray this shit wont last. This is the worst feeling in the world.

All three dogs are curled up next to me and I am so glad I have them for comfort. I think I am going to call it early tonight and just try to get some sleep, because this shit could kill me. I really need to stop before I get any worse. The last thing I need is my husband to come home to me dead in my shower surrounded by my own vomit. He already picked me up out of the tub when I cracked my head last year, after the MRI and Cat-scan I was sure he would leave me but he stayed. He even payed the bill for it. If I can't stop this b/p cycle for me maybe I can do it for him. Maybe that is what I need to focus on. Making him happy by kicking bulimia's ass.

I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't want to go get help because they won't let me just kick one part of my eating disorder. They won't say, "I understand you want to stop throwing up after you binge so just stop eating again, because that is totally fine." I just want to either be normal and stop this bullshit once and for all, be a normal healthy dieter or just be happy eating 800 calories or less a day again. Like I was.

I always identified with being anorexic although I was never diagnosed, I ate between 100 and 800 calories a day and exercised like a manic child with ADHD. I lost around 90 pounds but I was never underweight. The only time in my life I was that tiny was when I was on massive amounts of drugs and that was well before I developed this bullshit with food. I never wanted to be underweight, now I just want to hit 115 and then I know I can be happy again. When I lost all that weight, before I met Matt and 'recovered', I never binged, I didn't even have cheat days because I was so dedicated to my scale going down that I decided not to eat anything anymore. Now I can't escape this cycle and I feel like I am being torn into pieces. I want to blame my husband, I want to say it is his fault since I recovered for him, since I made changes for him. I can't blame him though. I am the one who made a conscious choice to keep eating. I am the one who needs to stop. He is huge and I can eat him under the table on a binge.

On a totally different note my red bracelet that I made still has not fallen off. I prayed while I made it like you would a prayer charm and I really feel like there is power in it. I feel like it wont fall off until I am skinny, when I hit my goal weight or even just the weight I will be happy at it will fall off and that will be a sign that I have done it. Every time I have said a real prayer asking God for help he has helped me so I am going to make another one and sit down and pray tonight. I am going to make one asking for the strength to beat this B/P cycle, for the strength to go back to restricting. I am going to ask God to guide my mind to make better choices. Once I hit 115 I can work on eating more and upping my calorie intake to maintain a healthy weight, I can work on becoming a normal girl then. Now I know I am to weak to recover. I am to fat to be happy and as such the monster that is me will keep kicking me when I am down. \

I hope this wasn't to all over the place, I am just so tired and beyond out of my league with this crap today. I don't know where to begin or how to end it.

Stay strong, think thin, and pray for me,
<3 miss="" p="" sinister="">

I

I need some release.

I'm eating to fill a hole in my life, that hole is my husband. I need to regain control because eating isn't going to make me happy.

I regret getting married. I regret ever meeting him. He makes me feel ugly, and fat, and worthless. He hates having sex with me and he makes me feel like it's my fault. I don't think it's my fault though. I think he is to fat to keep up. I think he eats to feel better too but he doesn't realize that he has an eating disorder as well.

He is obese and he can't stop eating. That's a disordered relationship with food if I ever saw one. I just eat and then throw up. Or I don't eat at all. How is that so bad?

I'm going to write this to get it out of my head. I'm not writing this for attention I don't want to kill myself I'm not depressed in any normal or suicidal way. I just want this thought gone so I am going to write it down and pray for the best.

If I didn't have my dogs to take care of, I would kill myself and never look back. I don't have a single thing left to live for. My husband hates me and I am starting to hate him back. It's festering inside my brain and it hurts like hell. 

I threw up like 5 times today. I don't know if you can understand the amount of self loathing it takes to hurt yourself when you are down. I am giving myself bruises to stop the pain. Ironic isn't it?

 

138.4

So I am not exactly on track anymore. But I'm glad that freaking number is going down again. 

I am seriously considering writing myself a note and putting it on my fridge and then another one on my pantry so I will be less likely to do this binging bullshit. 

Here are my favorites that might be getting put on my fridge tonight:

I was also thinking about writing stuff like: 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.'

I just don't know if Matt will allow me to keep thinspo all over the kitchen... Hopefully he will since I might just do it reguardless. 

We went running yesterday and I started to have some killer heart pain so I need to try to take it easy on the caffeine. I think that is what caused it. If it wasn't the caffeine then I have no clue what it was. Maybe my heart problems are getting worse? Or possibly I'm just working my body to hard and binging every night?

I noticed last night that I make a conscious decision to binge, it's not rational but it's there and it makes me feel like shit afterword when I've got a toothbrush down my throat trying to vomit up everything I've eaten. There is a monster, she lives in my head, she is ruthless and irrational and when she gets her mind set on something she is nearly impossible to please. That monster is me. 

It's almost like being three people, one is Ana, she wants to starve to death, she feels beautiful when she is empty and loves water more than anything. Another is Mia, she wants to eat everything in sight to fill a whole in her life but then feels so guilty and so full of self hatred she vomits everything back up. Then there is Sinister, who is scared to death of what she is doing to herself but she doesn't want to stop, because despite the horrible shit happening in her life she feels that maybe just maybe she can grasp the reins again and once more regain control.

Recently I have noticed that I am not the one I'm control anymore. I am starting to wonder if I ever was. 

I told Matt last night a bit about how all of this is making me feel and he seemed to understand it, or at least he looked at me and nodded and smiled. Which is a huge improvement over our previous conversations. It gave me hope that I might be able I live with this. That I might be able to regain control. 

That means the world to me.

Think thin my lovelies!

Miss Sinister

Inspiration

138.2

Still going down! Not quite where I wanted to be but considering I didn't even go running yesterday half a pound is not bad! And I will take it!

Much love!

Miss Sinister

Soooooooo...

I ate soup and then green beans to stop myself from binging and my husband came home and I ended up eating some noodles a few swirly cakes and icecream.  

It all came back up (thank god) and I'm drinking like a gallon of tea at the moment in an attempt to not do it again but Matt looked really happy to see me eating. He even smiled at me and asked me if it tasted good. No sarcasm no laughing just genuinely happy to see me eating like a real girl. It made me feel good for a bit. I do feel horrible for purging it and hiding it from him.

He will be happy once I'm thin. I'm not there yet but I will be soon. Maybe then we both can be attracted to eachother. When I'm thin he will enjoy sex again. I can fucking do this.

I hope my scale will make me happy tomorrow reguardless of my failures. 

Think thin!

Miss Sinister

138.8

Okay so I didn't die this morning when I saw my scale so I am counting today as a win! Also I managed to squeeze in a tiny weight training session this morning and I am going to do some cardio tonight, if the weather clears up I will be running if not I will be doing some Zumba! (Via my xbox) 

I wasn't sure if anyone was actually reading this but I just found out that some people actually are so hello! I hope the drama that is my life will not be to horrible to read! 

That being said I am very very close to my goal. Only 23.8 pounds to go! That's only 8.8 pounds from my first reward! I still have no clue what I am going to do to reward myself though. >.< I really need to figure it out considering I managed to go grocery shopping last night and I didn't even cry or run from the store screaming! I feel empowered! 

I might go buy new running clothes or something. Or maybe get a manicure? Provided my nails grow out and quit breaking. Possibly a tattoo? That's a great idea. When I hit 115 I will get some work done! Doing it when I hit 130 would stop me from working out and showering properly so it would be better to wait!

Considering I'm at work in going to have to stop writing now but I will write to you all soon!

Stay beautiful!

<3

Miss Sinister

Fat pig

I feel horrid I ruined everything. I am never going to get to my goal considering what a failure I am. Today sucked majorly. 

I am going to just punch my leg and pay the price. 

I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight. 

Think thin.

139.6

Ran 6 miles. I might be dying. :/

Much love!

142.4

Moving forward and not letting anything get in my way! date night is tonight and I am going out with Matt the mission tonight is to pick a place to eat that is healthy and then pick an activity that is low cost but active so I can burn off some calories.  

Say a prayer for me! <3

So today has been... interesting.

I am home and Matt knows I am wanting to have sex to feel better and he is ignoring me for the tv like always. Case and point he is obviously not happy with me, instead he is on his phone and on the tv and I end up feeling like shit and hating myself. There is a voice in my head and it is repeating one phrase over and over again.

He is settling for you. He doesn't find you attractive. He doesn't want you.

When was the last time he initiated sex? It's been so long I honestly don't remember.

I fucking hate myself. I fucking HATE myself. Why can't I be good enough? Why can't he love me like I love him? Why do I spend every waking moment agonizing about what I can do to make him happy but he spends most of his time only seeing to please himself?

The answer is simple. I am not good enough to please him. He hates having sex with me he obviously doesn't consider my fat rolls a turn on. He doesn't want me he wants those girls in his videos.

I am just an ugly fat bitch that he regrets marrying.

I'm going to go cry now.

145

I have been contemplating my life as of late and I needed some change to keep myself from downing a bunch of pain pills and killing myself, so my friend did my hair for me and I am once again a brunette! It's awesome having brown hair again and this time I can just let it grow out and quit dying it all the time!

The downside is that after we did my hair we went out to eat and it turned into a huge binging session that now has me all the way back up to 145.  It has been a week of this. No control and non stop bullshit. This needs to end I need to stop.  

I'm contemplating whether or not I should try to make an effort to save my marriage. It's obviously getting better enotionally but physically there is nothing.  He loves these tiny girls and I'm not one anymore. I'm going to start crying soon I'm sure but at the end of the day I believe one thing more than anything else.

My husband likes tiny little women, he lies and tells me I'm beautiful because he is settling for me. I'm not what he wants, I'm what he thinks he can get. I'm what he is willing to take because he cant get the girls he is actually attracted to.

I think I have figured out why I've been so out of control lately. Instead of getting the physical relationship I need to feel satisfied I'm stuffing my face to fill the gap. I'm emotionally eating and in doing so I am making it a million times worse. No man wants a fat wife. I'm a fat wife. Obviously he doesn't want to have sex with a huge ass whale so I can't feel happy, because I'm not happy I eat. Welcome to my bullshit. 

I'm not going to set up some impossible standard to follow. I'm not going to try to lose this 5 pounds by tomorrow I know that's not possible. But by May 3rd for my husband's birthday I will be 115 pounds. I'm going to feel beautiful or I am going to fucking kill myself. He will never be happy with someone like me. The right thing to do is just let him out of a marriage he was never happy with.

I can change it or I can die trying. I wish I could just die sometimes. This is so painful for me and I hate myself more and more everyday. My husband doesn't even care that I'm angry or sad, I told him I would be normal for him and all he said was okay. I told him I would starve myself to feel in control he said okay. He dosn't want me around he wants me gone but loves me he wants me to stay. I just want to be beautiful again.

Okay I'm at work and I'm about to start crying so I am going to quit typing now.

Much love to you all. 

Stay Strong,

Miss Sinister