137.6

Kill me. Just fucking kill me. 

My moms house is infested with bedbugs. Yes that's right you heard it bedbugs. Mother fucking vampiric demons that it just so happens I am allergic to! All of my clothes have to be dried for 15 minutes before they can be worn, because the bugs are living in the walls and the floorboards. Not to mention they hitchhike on your clothes to other peoples homes. That's how the little demons spread!!!

Want to know how I got bed bugs at the house? My booty call/boytoy. He had them at his house and neglected to tell me until they were already here. Now he refuses to take any responsibility for it. I think I need to be done with him now. But the sex is amazing and I really like him. To bad it's going to take three months to make sure my shit is clean and I can't even move until we are 100% sure it is because these bitches will move with you.

I feel like a princess locked in a tower and all the people I was suddenly free to see I'm now locked away from once more. This is the epitome of horrible. I feel like I'm being punished and I don't know what for.

So I'm sleeping on a sofa again and I'm miserable as per my usual. Right when I start to feel like I have a home and I might be okay again, bam drama drama everywhere as far as the eye can see!

My wisdom teeth are being pulled out on Thursday. So tomorrow morning right after my surgery I'm starting a liquid fast. Then on Friday I think I'm going to go out dancing! I miss dancing so much. And drugs I miss drugs too! But I won't be doing any since I'm sober now... And on amoxicillin. I feel like that could seriously fuck up my immune system right now. Although if I got the flu it would help me hit my goal weight! :D

In other sinister news the bed bug exterminater is coming today so hopefully my bed will be safe to sleep in soon. I'm not wanting to get bitten anymore. This has been one nightmare after another and I'm ready for it to be over. All the stress has me doing the insane thing of eating after everyone goes to sleep. I feel like I'm hiding my food intake and it sucks majorly. Did I mention I gained weight again? Yep I'm a fatty.

I did tell my mom off last night and I kinda feel bad about it but I'm a lot happier that she might understand how I feel now. I basically told her that pointing out how much I eat and how often makes me want to not eat at all.  I think she understands now. At least I hope so.

But moving on from all the drama I think god is giving me the sign to move back to California. I asked for a sign and god gave me bed bugs. If that isn't a sign I don't know what is!

I miss my friends and family so much and I'm ecstatic about moving home. <3 

Much love lovelies! 

Miss Sinister

Had a binge day

Yesterday. I ate like a normal girl and I didn't count any calories. Its going to take two days of nothing but water and prunes to get back down to where I was I am sure but I had no time to even check my weight this morning. 

I shit you not I made it from Willis to My work in 18 minutes. For those of you who don't know it takes a normal driver 45 to 50 minutes driving 65-75mph to get to my home from my work. It normally takes me around 30 minutes to get here and I woke up at 9 needing to be here at 9:30. I freaking flew out the door and made it here with two minutes to spare. To be fair I was driving close to 120mph the entire way here. The good news is no cops were out today so I have no new tickets!

I also started my morning terribly I ate 6 Twizzlers left over from binging and Hansell (my blond haired green eyed hero) came and gave me coffee. Which puts me at a grand total of 350 calories for today already. Hopefully I can work my way out of dinner tonight because my jaw is still aching from my wisdom teeth so there is no way I could purge even if I wanted to. Also as a side note even yesterday the urge to purge [i rhymed! XD] was totally manageable. I feel like it maybe it's leaving for good. 

On a side note my binging wasn't totally uncontrollable like it was in the past. I ate 800 calories like usual and then got invited out to dinner and miraculously I accepted it. I ate a BBQ baked potato, which was prolly close to 700 calories some jalepeno poppers, close to 300 calories and then ate Twizzlers at the bar while drinking a total of two drinks. I figure for the day that puts me close to 3000 calories which is a ton for me, but in the scheme of things I figure I can pull off a few 450 calorie days with nothing but prunes water and coffee to flush out my system.

I don't remember if I told y'all this or not but Hansel and I came to an agreement about food, I am going to eat as normally as I can manage around him and he is going to stop pointing out my strange eating habits and my tips and tricks to get out of eating. Also I am not allowed to fast, liquids only or even just water, unless there is a actual reason; like the aniversery of my friend who passed away, or for my religion. And I will eat at least 450 calories every day.  The good news is I can eat however much I want and he won't bitch at me for working out. The bad news is he and his friends are my biggest triggers right now.

He has an ex girlfriend who is a drug addict and the bitch is tall blond and skinny as hell. The reason I mention her is because he hates seeing her out and about since she is 21 and a total bitch whore drama queen from hell. She cheated on him and damn near ruined his life and they only dated for a month. Last night at the bar I thought I saw her and I asked his buddy's girlfriend, who I was sitting at the table with, if it was her and her response was as follows: "No that's not her, she is taller and is blond. She is also skinnier than you." 

         Skinnier than you. 

               Skinnier than you.

                       Skinnier than you.

Oh god those words hit me like a swift  kick to the stomach. I pushed away my coffee and we changed the subject. It made me want to stop eating for the rest of my days; to starve to death and with my last breath ask her if I was skinny enough yet and like the normal person she is she didn't even notice. 

While we were at Walmart getting me coffee and getting the Twizzlers that I shared with everyone (so I wouldn't eat them all); Hansell and his buddy were talking about where we went to eat and I chimed in that the jalepeño poppers and baked potato I ate were really tasty and that they should go there sometime. His friend looked me dead in the face and said: "You just have the heart of a fat kid don't you?" 

            Fat kid.

                 Fat kid.

                       Fat kid.

He wasn't trying to be mean I know that. He didn't mean it like I'm fat I know that. He harps on everyone about everything he is the kind of guy who goofs off and hoops and hollers to make people laugh. He is really a good guy and I do really like him and his girl both of them are good people. But I had to talk myself into eating some of the Twizzlers I just paid for and I suddenly started contemplating if the milk in my coffee was worth drinking. Had I been heading home to finish my binge day in private I would most likely have tossed them both out and gone and purged. I was incredibly lucky my teeth are killing me or I might have purged at the bar.

Now to be fair neither if then know about my ED and Hansell has been a champ in keeping it to himself so my issues are not being broadcasted out to the world. But I have never hated myself more for trying to be a normal girl and live a normal life. I wish I had woken up on time and had time to weigh myself this morning because I know I would have skipped eating today if I had. Tonight I'm going to try to work out some and hopefully I can skip dinner completely. Just writing about this is making me feel anxious.

It's crazy. Totally crazy. Why do people want this? Why did I want this? At one point in my life I idolized the self control that an anorexic has, I idolized anyone with such dedication to their body, it didn't matter to me if that dedication was to healthy habits or not. Now I'm living the life I once coveted and while I relish the feeling of control, I hate the subsequent feelings of panic, jealousy, and self loathing.

Did you know my thighs are touching again? I'm losing muscle mass in my body and it's turning into fat. I need to start working out again and I need to start avoiding all meals unless I'm with family so they won't keep watching me eat. My mom is on full alert and still eating dinner with me, although thankfully she is trying to cook healthier so I won't bitch about eating crap to her. The other day she made meatloaf which was my favorite meal growing up and steamed broccoli. I ate two whole cups of broccoli and they were so soft they didn't hurt my teeth hardly at all. The meatloaf was tough and hard to chew, not to mention there was Sourcrout [how the hell do I spell that?] in it, which is like lettuce except much much harder to chew, and I could barely get it down. My teeth were killing me by the end of it and everyone pitied me so they didn't make me keep eating. It didn't help that my mom asked me to help her make it so I was counting calories in my head and steadily growing more and more horrified as I did so. She used two whole packs of hamburger, two eggs, a can of corn beef, Sourcrout and several heaping handfuls of mixed shredded cheese. It will provide 8-16 servings depending on the size of your slice. This thing was jampacked with calorific monsters of doom. This ED has officially ruined my childhood. 

Speaking of when discussing my teeth with my mom she mentioned when I had braces as a kid if I told her my teeth hurt she would go buy me icecream. My only comment was: "No wonder I was a fat child." She seemd mad I would point that out but who am I to talk? If I had a kid who had spent 9 months in my tummy and ruined my body I would fatten them up too. Not even just to get them back for it but to live vicariously through them while they eat everything in sight. 

Anyhow this post has gotten terribly long so I'm going to end it now.

Much love lovelies!

Miss Sinister

I was so close!

I managed to avoid food all day, right up to dinner where I was force fed almost 900 calories. Major frowns. Most of it was broccoli. I loaded up my plate with tons of veggies and ate really slowly.  Which is aided by the fact that my wisdom teeth are coming in.

I'm in a ton of pain. 

The good news it there is sex in my life again! Yay for me!

134.2

I am as thin as I have been in a good long while, yet I can not stand how I look today. Next time you talk to someone who wants to "catch anorexia" point them towards me. I will light their ass up with so much knowledge you have no idea. In other news I'm 19.4 pounds away from my goal weight. Also I'm still kinda sickly so I won't be eating much or drinking any alcohol tonight which I am sure will help with the weight loss.

Hansell seems okay today but who knows how he really feels. The silly man bottles up everything. 

 I need counseling, I'm rebounding again, but I don't want to stop my weight loss. Joy.

<3

Miss Sinister

136.4

Don't ask me how, I seriously ate like a giant pig the entire time I was sick. Two days of good eating to start losing again? Weird...

Don't ask don't tell yeah?

Do you ever feel like your falling down a well? Like you can't quite get a grip on things and you are terrified of how it will turn out. Life is moving way to fast for me, I can't keep up these days and I feel like I'm losing touch with the things that matter to me. Long story short Hansell and I are fighting. Not just right at this moment but all the time. It feels never ending like the eletricity is on and I'm in the water soaked bath tub gripping a toaster holding on for dear life.

The trouble is this tub is slippery and while I'm not willing to end it all myself the asshole pointing the gun at my temple is telling me it's over. 

What is this, where in constantly get turned down for sex? They tell me I'm good at it so unless every partner I have ever had is a liar I feel like it's time to maybe shut the fuck up and tell me the truth. Personally I think it's just me, I wear people out and they get sick of me. Hansell is just finally getting sick of me. Oh well shit happens I guess here I am getting ready to leave or get left.

It's not scary at all to think about sleeping alone. Just like it's not scary to think that I would just quit eating again. I need to keep looking out for me, call me selfish all you like but I've been broken down and beaten and that's made me stronger. I don't want to eat anymore. When I have eaten today and yesterday it's either been forced or out of habit. Its a habit I need to break. Eating is bad for you.

I made it down to this weight again and I don't know if I can trust my scale. I might buy a different one again. Maybe one that's not digital? It there a brand of scale that actually works well and is super consistent? Who the hell knows.

I really really really want to hit my goal weight. And despite all my bullshit about stoping at 115 I'm not sure if it's enough. My body seems to be growing larger even when my scale is getting smaller. BDD is a terrible thing to have. Because of my scale insessent need to jump my numbers around like a bloody monkey on cocaine my body checking is at an all time high. Hansell hates it and everytime he catches me doing it I can see the look of anger and upset that flickers across his face. It never lasts long but it's always there. And I'm momentarily heart broken until I remember I'm just his rebound anyway and it's not like he plans on sticking around. He doesn't want an eating disordered broken hearted girl on his arm. That's it end of story grow up.

Shit you didn't think you got to be happy did you?

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving Matt. No I don't really love him anymore. Not like I did when I met him, not at all. And no our relationship was at best unhealthy and at worst violent and down right distructive. But maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe I don't get a happy ending, that's why the wrong people keep wanting to keep me around.

Hey God, I know I don't talk to you much anymore not like I should but if you could send me a sign about moving back to cali that would be hella cool. Thanks God!

Good night everyone. I love you all.

Miss Sinister

Food for thought...

I spent some time pondering my banner today and I just realized that I called this blog: 'Eating Recovery'. 

The irony was lost on me until now. Initially I created this blog as a diary of sorts. A place to post my writing and thoughts and feelings, then when I started to really move into losing weight and eating less and less it became a diary for my intake. Then once I actually got happy again it went back to just being a safe place to post about my life. Somewhere no one I actually knew in real life would read it and judge me.

When I actually started recovery the first time I stopped posting completely. I stopped counting calories and blew up to 160 pounds. Then I relapsed and lost 30 in a month. That was when I really lost touch with my eating habits. I started the endless cycle of binging and purging. I started down a bad path, I was honestly as self destructive as I have ever been. Likewise my posting was erratic, I was out of control and you can tell with my writing.

This has less to do with recovering the more I post. I feel like I'm up and down all the time and the only time I really feel better about my life is when I'm in full control of my eating. Maybe that's what I meant by 'recovery'. It's less about actually recovering from a drug or sex addiction or even an eating disorder and more about regaining control. 

I am often baffled when people tell me to make the choice to get better and recover. Since I do technically suffer from EDNOS it's a concept that upsets me. You don't choose to have a disorder, no one would want to deal with the hell that we all go through every day. But on the other hand my need for control fuels my disorder, it makes me want to not eat ever again ever. It's a choice I make every time I turn down food or even when I would binge and purge. Technically speaking it is a choice I wake up and make each day; often several times a day. So which is it: Illness or choice? 

---------

On a separate note I think I'm getting sick and I'm a little pissed off about it. You know the expression starve a fever feed a cold? Well I'm really bad at doing that. I feel like crap at the moment my throat hurts my nose is running. I am freaking exhausted too so I am a clusterfuck of sleep deprivation and sickness inspired drama. I need to get a boyfriend who will come over make me tea and take care of my dogs for me tonight. He could leave in the morning. I would be okay with that.  Perhaps I don't need a boyfriend, I think The term for what I need is a servant. Although I want to cuddle with a warm body so maybe that's wrong too. I guess I need a boy toy, or maybe a male best friend again.

Oh joyous of days me sick is a monster of pain and distortion. 

137.6

I'm so back and forth on eating. I either eat way to much or not enough. It's a common problem amongst the eating disordered and yet I can't seem to keep it under control. It's too bad really, I do try. Honest to god I do but food is evil to me right now. I have managed to convince myself I'm not even hungry anymore. I turned down food at a restaurant yesterday. While everyone else was eating I was laughing and feeling mighty. I did end up drinking a coffee and eating a candy bar once my sugars got to low though so I still felt like a screw up. Oh joyous of days!

On a totally tmi subject I love prunes. 5 of them is 100 calories and they help you poop regularly. (Be careful how many you eat though or you could end up with the runs!) Seriously though it's amazing, if you don't eat them you are missing out. I actually really like the taste of them and considering they are a natural laxative that doesn't screw up your body I feel good about indulging in them. It's like a magical fruit!

My puppy is looking better today and I'm so glad. I can not explain the blind terror I felt at seeing her pinned under an Akita who was at least 50 pounds heavier than her. I damn near killed that bitch. Not to mention that the fucker turned around and bit me. So I am now sporting a lovely wound that looks great next to the rash I have from touching something I am allergic to, did I mention I went to the ER this week for anaphylactic shock? You have to love breaking out in hives for daring to touch something. The best part is I have no clue what it was! So there is a chance it could happen all over again! Oh joy!

Anyhow much love to you all and I will let you a get back to your lovely lives. 

Stay beautiful! 

<3

Miss Sinister

?

I find men to be complicated creatures. I am starting to wonder if I should straight up leave Texas and go back to California. At least there not so many people have seen me naked. Unless they have access to the internet and some modeling websites but who really cares anymore? 

My dog got attacked by another dog and I'm on pins and needles waiting to see of she will pull through. The shitty thing is I got bit too so not only am I worried sick, I can't workout, and I am in a shit ton of pain! Joyous of days.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm so tired and I'm starting down a path of self distructive behavior again. It's total bullshit. Why can't I just be happy?

138.6

Sorry I have not been posting! I had a rough couple of days and I'm glad to be moving past it all and back into the 130's! I went all the way back up to 141, binge eating is terrible don't do it you will hate yourself! 

The good news is I'm keeping my intake below 1200 calories now. Which is semi healthy! I would prefer to just shoot for zero but I also have to worry about Hansell finding out I'm not eating enough. He will yell at me for sure!

But I'm happy with my life now for the most part. I got bitten up by bugs on Monday and turns out I'm allergic to them; so I spent Tuesday at the ER. But dispite being horribly disfigured I'm a lot better off now. At least I'm breathing right?

Much love to you all I will speak to you soon!

<3

Miss Sinister

138.2

How exactly do you remain honest about what you are eating and not make people mad at you? Seriously I need new people in my life that don't want to force feed me.

I'm going to make this short since I'm grumpy and wanting to throttle people. 

Much love,

Miss Sinister

138.8

Dont ask, it was full on binge mode last night. I don't even know how much I ate and I don't want to. Today I'm in 50 calories for coffee, 130 for a protien bar for lunch, and I'm going to work out and then drink a protien shake for dinner. I also finally remembered to take my freaking vitamins. My hair is falling out like crazy so I need to keep taking them, they have biotin in them so it helps a ton! 

So I am a little disappointed in myself but I managed to avoid the Mia monster, thank god my teeth are finally getting the break they deserve. So there is that to look up to. Also I am amazing at working out so I know I can lose the pound I gained by tomorrow or the next day at the latest!

I am excited to say I finally have a tv again! So I can do my insanity! (Without my family seeing me and making fun of me. >.<') I also have my Xbox back so I can play videogames again! Yay me! 

So now I am in full on find furniture mode!  I need a bed and mattress ASAP! 

I love you all I hope you are doing well and I wish you luck!

<3

Miss Sinister

138.6

So I ate dinner last night and then pie. And with all the food and calories in my system I'm up a pound. I'm disappointed but at least it's not the crushing going to cry kind.

I am only going to eat some prunes today to push that crap out of my system. That and I'm going to try to work out tonight. I'm starting to lose muscle definition from not working out at all and the last thing I want is that. I'm going to need it if I plan on entering Tough Mudder at the end of the year.

In other news I am not really beating myself up anymore. It's weird because I used to constantly feel pressured to be perfect but now I feel pretty and happy most of the time. I still have my 'I'm a fat ass' moments but they are getting less and less frequent. I'm really starting to wonder how much of my destructive behavior was ex hubby related.  Makes me wonder if I could be able to gain control over my ED someday as well. 

I was at one time hell bent on recovering, I wonder if I can. Being normal is something I don't think I can do. The feeling of control I get from this is addicting.

I guess that's some food for thought.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

137.6

Still going down! At this point I am trying to not jump up and down in excitement when I get on my scale. For the most part it is working since Hansell has been sleeping over and I am trying not to embarrass myself too badly. But I was close to dancing this morning!

On a side note I think I officially pissed him off with my eating habits. He told me last night that he was just going to stop bringing it up. Which I'm happy about, maybe it will save me some drama in the long run, lord knows I have enough of it all by my damn self. On the other hand I wonder what this means for him. Is it that he is not going to care anymore? Or that he is going to swollow his feelings towards it and explode later?

I tell myself constantly that he isn't like Matt. He is a good guy, (and awesome in bed XD) so I don't want to scare him off. 

Drama drama drama.

Moving on! Last night I ate curly fries and half a small Oreo cookie shake from Jack In The Box, I was out with Hansell and I was happy to eat for him. (Weird I know.) Since it happened at 1:30 am I'm counting it as all my calories for today and I'm going to be fasting today and if possible tomorrow to make up for it. The really weird thing is that it was okay for me to eat it. It was not an uncontrollable binge or massive loss of control. I made the choice to eat with him and I was happy to do it. I didn't even finish the shake! Which is impossible for me! Usually when I eat something I finish it no matter what! It's so strange! My scale moved up a bit from yesterday but like I previously mentioned I didn't log yesterday reguardless since I feel like my scale is lying to me. A reader mentioned that It also could be water weight, which is good to lose too!

I don't feel bad or regretful, I feel like I'm still on track and working toward my goal. It's pretty amazing to me actually. I feel so in control of my life. No one can take this away from me again. I am empowered. I am strong. It's like I'm finally holding the wheel again.

I love it.

Anyhow I should end this before I spend a day writing about how boring my life is!

Stay Beautiful!

Miss Sinister

???

I slept an hour at most, had some amazing sex so in my mind it was worth it, but I stepped on my scale this morning and totally didn't trust it so I didn't write it down. I think I might just give up and go back to my cheap scale at least that bitch was consistent. (No one can lose four pounds in one night.)

In other news I get sad sometimes when I'm alone if I let myself think about Matt. This far I'm avoiding feeling by staying crazy busy. I try not to feel anymore and when it works it's awesome. The downside is that it doesn't always work. Hansell is trying to help me get better and I could never thank him enough.

I am doing well though, food seems harder and harder to get down and I'm not really even sure if I'm hungry anymore. Which is weird as hell. I think my body is just giving up on me. Which is proven by the fact that my fucking hair is constantly falling out. I need protien and vitamins. Fuck everything else.

I am going to keep this short since I'm at work and supposed to be working. >.<'

Much love!

Miss Sinister