Fever Dreams

It feels as if I am moving from dream to dream, it's like I'm in one place secure and happy with what is going on around me and then suddenly without any warning I'm hurling through time and space trying to catch my footing before I tumble into a volcano. It's the kind of dreaming that you have when a fever takes you. It's hard, fast and completely based in a language no one but the truly insane will ever understand. Life seems okay, I'm six years old smiling at my father from across the dinner table and then flash forward; now I am watching him cry at my funeral.

I can't make sense of these dreams. They haunt me like waking nightmares, even in the bright sunlight of midday there they are hiding just over my shoulder taunting me with every breath I dare not take. At this very moment I am being eaten in the tall grasses by a creature I cannot name screaming to every god that can't hear me begging for death, meanwhile my carcass is rotting in the ice caves of a dark city farther north. Is this the future hunting me? Am I to learn my fate? Or are these just fever dreams, led on by my welcoming insanity to embrace me. I will never know. If these are truly my futures, one of many choices I have left to make, I have too many roads to walk and too many places to go before I get there, it will be a surprise no matter how I try to move on. And now I am an old woman nothing more than flesh and rotting bones. A widow in a broken house with no one but ghosts left to comfort me.

I am fearful, in the same way that all of us fear what has not come to pass, but though all of this I know I am not to live this way. I am not the kind to cower and shake. I will look over my shoulder I will laugh take a deep breath and scream: "Come and get me if you dare!" I do not fear death for I am death and life and everything important and nothing that matters. I am both the present and the past, the living and the dead. I am not scared of what I am nor what I might become. Those who cannot learn to know me will leave, time will pass and I shall remain a nightmare, a figure in the dark and the light that shines to give you hope in your darkest of dreams. I will be the dream you cannot wake from. I will be the angel and the devil and I shall fear none but gods and goddesses who made me. None can judge me for only those who truly know me can see me for myself. I shall be the torment and I will help the victim. Never again will fear force me to be anyone I am not.

I will wake from this fever whole and unharmed and once these dreams have passed I will take my place in the hall of nightmares that scare you in the night. Never again will you see me in the daylight hours for now I am nothing, just a creature of the night.

Sweet Dreams,

Mayhem

My father is from Eden, hell hath bore his name. So now when you see him cry, you must do the same.

Take a chance and stop to learn from my mistakes,
From his lips come powers, which you alone can shape.
Words slip out like poison, dripping in their sickness.
Now alone you must stand the one and only witness.

I fear that if we don’t move now, we might end up dead
Upon a path that I don’t know and that I fear to tread
Does this endless winding road lead to some place home?
Or am I doomed to this forever, must I always roam?

His words finally out and open, ready and exposed
True his words like vipers have poisons in their folds
I have learned from past mistakes my scars and bruises healed
So now I unprotected can cross this bloody field

When there is nothing left, of him or me or you
I hope that somewhere somehow you can find what’s true
And in the end when he and I have gone our separate ways
The serpent deep inside I know will finally have his say

Not Dead Yet

Onto an update.

I am in New York, crazy as it might seem I love it here. This might be my new favorite place in the whole wide world. I want to move here so bad now. It is absolutely beautiful, and if you smile at people while you are alone on the subway they think you are crazy! :]

So besides New York being fantastic, love and miss my Fiance so much. WOLF COME HERE AND GIVE ME CUDDLES IMMEDIATELY! It's extremely taxing being away from him. I am so needy it is sad.

So I want to get married in October in New York. It is so beautiful here with the leaves and the trees. I am so jealous of the people who get to live here. I found a bunch of wedding photo's and dress ideas so now I am on the hunt for dresses and other such wedding details. Of course my lovely Wolf isn't here to help me. *Depressed Sigh* I am hoping he will be getting involved soon, and that he wants to do similar stuff as me. That way this can run very smoothly. :]

Holy god, I can't wait to be married. I wont it to be done today so we can just skip the hard stuff, you know like money and finding a place to live, and just get to the happy couple thing. I am so pathetic. I mean really I've gone from the amazing hardcore lets go dance Kandi Kid and turned into a sap. GAH! Someone shoot me please.

Other than the wedding stuff I have officially decided to avoid direct contact with Rat, MomaBear, and Weasel. I am not going to not be friends with them, they are family after all but I don't feel as if I can really trust them and I know they don't trust me. As such I am not going to try extremely hard or go out of my way to see them. I am going to let them decide when I am worth it and when I am not. I will be expecting nothing from them and as such I will not be disappointed yet again. I refuse to let these things happen, I have been letting people hurt me and I know that it is wrong. Every time I think I have gotten my point across I hit another brick wall. I really just want to be done with it. I'm really just done.

Other than that:

If vodka was water and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.
But vodka's not water, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

Written by: iEaT tOxIc CrAyOnS

I found this quote at GaiaOnline.com I thought it was brilliant and I just had to share it. I do not know the writers actual name so I am hoping her username will suffice. I am curious to hear what other people actually think of this. So please let me know.

Yours Truly,
Mayhem

Bound To Happen

Sometimes I wonder at my state of affairs. I wonder who is real and who is fake? Who is out to get me, and who is only trying to have a good time? These questions have answers, very important answers that I need, but who will give them to me? Certainly not the people in question, because they might lie to you.

I have a hatred of liars; I know this because I used to be one of them. Don’t get me wrong I do still lie, and to say I didn’t would be untruthful, the only reason I believe I am not amongst the group “liars” is because of the things they lie about. Here is how you can learn to classify yourself. [Trust me I’ve already classified you so you might as well know about it.]

If you are lying about, oh I don’t know lets say Santa Claus; then you are okay in my book. Especially when small children are involved because sometimes little lies are needed to keep their magic alive. If you are lying to save your life, and I do mean ‘save’ as in a dire life or death situation, please do I would rather you be alive than dead. If you are lying to protect someone else's secrets, there are ways to not tell their story and not lie; this is called having common sense. If you are lying for selfish reasons, get the fuck out of my life I don’t want you here.

It is my personal belief that everyone lies. It is impossible not to. You might lie about where you are going so your parents wont get angry. You might lie about where you live because you can’t trust your friend. [Which by the way means you aren’t friends. How can you be friends with people you don’t trust?] You and I and everyone on the fucking globe lies, the only difference is in the type of deceit. If your lies hurt someone, then you are a bad person. If your lies help yourself only, you are a bad person. If your lies help one person and hurt another person then you are not worth my time.

Most of the time when people annoy me, I can let it slide off my shoulder and ignore it. It is very rare than anyone has the ability to get me truly angry, at the moment I am fucking pissed. I was invited to a party, perhaps with good intentions, and as for those of you who actually have the tiniest glimpse of who I am know I hate 95% of all parties. Especially when there are people whom I fucking despise on the guest list. It also doesn’t help that I don’t know any of the other guests. So whom would I run to for help? Oh that’s right no one would be there for support because my goddamn friends would be to busy playing host for the parasites that I can’t stand. Now normally I would brush this off as them trying to be polite and decline and never speak to them again. I mean you would assume that if they were your friends that they wouldn’t even think of inviting you when these people were involved. Friends are normally good that way; they don’t force you into situations where you have to be pleasant and civil to those you despise. But this time I have to wonder; with this group of friends, who have a history of being great pals with these aforementioned parasites; what the fuck were they thinking?

So I did what all curious people do, I asked questions and I was told that they wanted me to be a part of their lives. I laugh at this, you want me to be a part of your lives? Not two weeks ago I told you to your faces that I didn’t want to be a part of any parties and your response was, and I quote: “Then don’t be angry when we don’t hang out with you very often.” True friendship there. I mean damn the warm fuzzy feelings that spring up because of this makes me want to kill you.

So there you have it folks. Right after this lovely conversation this party issue springs up. I take it that they have decided that I am not a friend, because really what kind of friend does that to you, and no longer wish to do friend type things. If that is or is not how you feel please feel free to respond angrily in comment form.

Please fuck off.
SM

Dear Old Friend

Tonight's the night
We’re going to make it right
Red hot like the sun
As the moon makes us move
There is nothing we can’t do
It’s moving us somewhere
But where we can’t tell
Who is beyond this wishing well?

The moon is out full like a light
Round like the sun it’s to bright
Moving grinding it’s to hot to breath
I fear we might be making a scene
Nothing to do we’ve got no plans
Soon this will be over our last stand
Then here we’ll be once again
You and I dear old friends

To Forget

Life’s a hell hole
Nothing’s left
People trying
To forget

Moving forward
Falling back
Nothings left here
Make a bet

Here we are
Once again
You and I
Dear old friends

Here I wonder
Where you’ve been
You say nothing
Time you’ve spent

I’m not stupid
I know you
You can’t see me
Yes you do

Here I pause
Take a breath
Hurt me silly
To forget

Dreaming About Nightmares

Dreams are often the imaginings of both children and their adult counterparts. They can look and seem real to the sleeper but in the end, upon waking one often finds that they are nothing more than the daylight trying to reach us while we sleep. So here lays my question, when our dreams start becoming reality is it fate giving us some real chance to change things? Or is it just coincidence?

My dreams are often nightmares, horrors that haunt me even in my waking hours. I can’t shake these nightly visions no matter what I’ve tried they always seem to find some way into my brain. Today for some reason unbeknown to me; one of them came true. Now most people would say that these dreams were only dreams and anything similar to them in what we know as the “real world” must be coincidence. Because life just wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

So what do we do when our dreams are really premonitions of the bad things yet to come? We move on, we keep trying to avoid them, and no matter what we thank fate that it has given us the chance to avoid a catastrophe.

SM

Conversations. Here Again.

God we were friends where the fuck did we go wrong? You were there we were partners. Now you don’t know anything. You don’t love me you never did. Let’s move on, I’m over it.

But you’re not over it, are you?

Never could be. I’m always busy trying to forget, and trying to remember. Trying to move on. Too many drugs, my not staying clean. Who are we blaming?

No one, we are blaming no one

It’s my fault; I can’t help it I can’t move on. I would rather stay here than ever move again. I need it. I need you, where are you? Where were you when I needed you before? Fuck you are no one to me, just a puppet for a bitch that doesn’t deserve a name. You will leave me as soon as you get the chance. You will lie to make me love you. Fuck you.

Don’t you believe in second chances?

Not for them not for me. He was my friend, he told me so. I learned the lessons, I learned to never forget.

You have trust issues.

Perhaps my issues are well earned.

You’re not making much sense.

You are a voice in my head. What do you get to say about making sense?

Apparently a lot more than you. Why is it that every person who loves you is lying to you? Why can’t you grow up? Why can’t you just move on?

Moving on is painful.

You’ve been looking for a way to hurt yourself. At least this is going to end healthy.

So you think. You don’t know. If you can’t be a hundred percent certain it isn’t worth it.

If that were true you would be clean.

I am clean! Sort of anyhow, besides I am doing much better!

Better is okay. Okay is not good.

Fuck this I’m over it.

You will regret this.

Lets add it to the list.

Update anyone?

So here is the biggest update in my life.
Holy fucking shit and the blessed virgin mother of god…
I’m getting married.

*insert girlish high pitched screaming and dancing here*

Recently Wolf left my side. Mates don’t do that and any pack members who read this will know, just like I know, that it is unnatural sick and wrong for mates to move apart, no matter the distance. Life might get better with the monetary issues, but on the inside we both will be torn to shreds until we see each other again.

Wolf, if you are reading this then just know I miss you like crazy and I love you.

Now on to the rest.

So, my brother called and he apparently still loves and cares about me. This I find ironic. The one person in my life who I loved more than anything who was my brother, my fucking blood, was the one who betrayed me. Stabbed me in the back. So to his statement I respond with:

“Really? You think that’s a good idea? You want me back in your life? Well to bad, I don’t want you or your drama filled bullshit. Not you or anyone connected to you. Please go and die.”

My brother, is an ass-face. Don’t get me wrong, I love him but he is a real fucking jerk. I do miss him and in reality I am just as stubborn as he is. So there it is.

Moving on, I know I really got to get my life back together. And I’m not going back on my old ways. If you are in any way in contact with the people I hate, I will not speak with you or contact you. You can rot and die. I won’t put myself in a position where I will make bad choices; I have enough of that at home when I’m alone. I don’t need your help.

The second I get hurt out they went. Take that as a fucking warning America, if Obama keeps pissing me off I might have to throw him out of office. And how do I suggest we do that? REVO-FUCKING-LUTION! I vote we charge down to the white house and just start blowing shit up. Then when I am president, slash tyrannical dictator, we will kill anyone who has ever pissed me off.

:]

See everybody wins in chess!

<3

Mayhem

Missing You

Missing you, is all I know
Being here is so far from home
Please tell me that you won’t roam
Because I’ve got no where else to go

Lover I know it is hard
I know that you and I have scars
But we can learn from our mistakes
Because we have what it takes

Distance makes the heart grow strong
But we can’t do this very long
Lover tell me you’ll come home
I miss you, and you should know

There is nothing we can’t do
No trouble we can’t get through
But you and I are strong together
Far apart? Not now, not ever

For when we aren’t close at hand
Lover this is our last stand
The last trial, were far apart
But always together in our hearts

[M e m o r i e s A r e F o r e v e r]

These are a few quotes that remind me of the most important people in my life. If you can guess who they go to, you win a special prize.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Take what’cha can and give nothing back!"

“I’m paranoid as fuck.”
“And just how paranoid is fuck?”
“Pretty fucking paranoid, I’d say.”

"Guess the sky’s crying it out for you. Might as well be. Just watching you and your old man go at it makes me feel like I’m being drenched in them anyway."

“One of these days, Audrey, one of these days… To the moon!”

“You can't take the whole world on your shoulders all the time, man. It gets fucking heavy, you know?”

So I couldn’t help but post these here since they brightened my day considerably. I love you all and can’t wait to post again soon.

Mayhem

So perhaps life has been, more than a little confusing as of lately. And perhaps I stand corrected on more than a few issues. So here is to the meeting of new and old friends.

A new site named for meeting good people.

New banners would be wonderful, as I happen to know some people are awesome banner makers. All genres apply.

>.<

To wishing for night and hoping for rain,

Mayhem

The Game

You are obliged to speak

For them

Talk to them

Be there for them

You must live

For them

Because you can’t possibly live for yourself

I don’t speak

Unless spoken to

I don’t breathe

Unless punched in the gut

I don’t live

Unless there is death

This is perfect

For them, you must stay still

For yourself, you must move on

For them, you live

For you, they die

This is a game

I’m done

I’m so fucking done

This is the ultimate sin.

So here I sit, in the big dark empty house. Well not so much empty as full of nothing. There are people here, Outsiders with laws and big sticks, meant only to injure the ego. At least in the pack we settled things normally. We fought out our differences tooth and nail. Here they insult, guilt trip, leave you with bruises on your heart.

I’m not sure exactly what is happening. I suppose I should have some kind of witty comeback; there is that old expression: plenty of fish in the sea. But I’m not fishing, I’m out of bait and the lines all tangled. I suppose that’s what being in love feels like. I warned him about this; I said we had an expiration date. I knew it would be brief and ultimately painful. What I didn’t know was that it would be worth it.

This has been both the best and worst months of my life. I’m ready, like I’ve prepared myself to be, for the worst. Today when he left he took a piece of me with him, tomorrow, when he leaves for good, I won’t be getting it back.

If you asked me when this started if I thought it was a good idea to get involved I would have said no. I did say no. He convinced that it was worth it. That he was worth it. Love, it has everything to do with love. I didn’t believe in love, not the real, happy, fairytale kind anyhow. I’ve always looked at love like the love between pack mates, families, and friends. I’ve never loved somebody like this. I’ve never cared about somebody enough to really learn to love them. If you knew me before I met him, you know that I didn’t believe in love. That I didn’t even know what love was. Now however that is a different story.

Love no matter how brief, is still the most important thing that has ever happened to me. And no matter what happens in the future, love’s left its imprint on me, it’s changed me and I think it’s for the better.

Go where the wind takes you, learn where there are lessons to be learned, dance wherever you hear music, but above all things find love. Find it, hold it, and keep it close to your chest; but if your love needs you to, let it go. And hope that one day it will mean something more than the pain of parting.

With love,

Mayhem

Just Like A Whore

Sometimes I wonder if you even care

And if you ever read this you’ll only see the anger

Not the hurt

Not the tears I won’t cry

Because that would make you upset

And sure you don’t mean to do it

You don’t even realize

I get it, don’t worry about it

It’s not like I matter

So yeah go ahead

Fuck me and leave

No, it doesn’t bother me

Yes, it does make me feel like a whore

But no we can’t say that word

Because you don’t like it

You won’t talk to me about my life

About those days way back when

When I made mistakes

When I fucked up

When you weren’t around

No, we won’t talk about the days when I was a whore

You’ll just treat me like one

I’m Not Open Anymore

There are footsteps in the hallway
And the lock on the wall is broken
It keeps on ticking
Never forward never normal
It just ticks
Over the eight
Back and forth back and forth
I hate to say but
Time stops here
And the footsteps in the hallway
Are ghosts of Christmas past
Memories of the people we’ve lost
Of those who jealous time has left behind

Blue Jay’s tapping on my window
He wants to know why it’s closed
Because it’s always been open for him before
“I don’t talk to dead people.” I say
He doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
I never say no

There's a tapping on my door
He wants to know why the door is closed
Because it’s always been open to him before
“I don’t talk to dead people.” I say
He doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
I never say no

The front door opens quietly
And then is loudly shut
The clocks still ticking
But for once
It’s normal
Father is home
There’s rattling in the kitchen
And the TV is blaring noise
My window is still closed
My door still tightly shut
The light in the hallway clicks on then off
Silence reins the house
A door opens then closes
And the clock is strange again
Back and forth back and forth

There’s a pain behind my eyes
He wants to know what it’s there for
Because he’s never seen me cry before
"I don't talk to dead people." I say
But he doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
I never say no

There’s a tugging on my heart strings
He says “I’ll always love you munchkin.”
He doesn’t mean to hurt me, he’s just like before
"I don't talk to dead people." I say
But he doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
But I’m not open anymore

Never Forget [The Meaning]

Gods I miss you
Sometimes my heart can’t handle
You not being here

I can’t think about you
Never smiling
Never talking to be at midnight
Never telling me a lame joke
So I could laugh until I cried
You were my best friend
And I will never forget you

How did this happen?
Were you just that unlucky?
If luck did this to you
I’m fucked

This was an accident
The kind where sirens scream
Where cop cars and ambulances
Prove they are worthless
Where they took you away in a body bag
This was my heart being torn out of my chest
This was you being murdered
By yourself

You called me many names
My favorite being:
Munchkin
It’s been years
And that name still brings tears to my eyes
You were the only one who called me that
No one does now
I think it’s good
Good for me I mean
I could never forget you
But some things still hurt to think about

When you and I fought
It wasn’t through words
Or stupid blackmail
Or through backhanded comments
Meant only to injure the ego
When we fought
We left bruises in the shape of our fists
And in this language
Of purples blacks and greens
You and I formed a friendship
A bond
That has lasted through not only death
But through time itself

When you blew your head off
Through that hole in your arm
I was mad
I was so fucking angry
I waged war on the world
I cut until I saw bone
I banged out loud music
Until my ears hurt as much as I was hurting
On the inside

During the first six months
I never really cried
I guess I started crying
When I called your phone
And your stupid message machine
Picked up
“Hello?” it was your voice
“Naw, just kidding!” it was a lie
“Leave your number” I fell for it, like always
“Goodbye.”

I cried for three days
Then I called it again at 2:45 am
Your mom picked up
And we cried together

You still are my best friend
Even though you left me here
In this hell hole
To, I guess, fend for myself
Even though my wrist still aches
From that time you hit me with
Leonardo
My rusty metal pipe
The one we loved
That one that we carried everywhere
For weeks and weeks on end

I think I will miss you until I die
But you taught me life’s hard lessons
Never believe when they say
They’ll love you
Never admit you’re wrong
Until the proof is undeniable
Never forget what they did to you
And what they will do again

I love you
And we still are best friends
Until the end of time

The boy with the dirty needle, and the girl who mourns him

They died
Perhaps it was not the real
In the ground
Over
Kind of death
But it sure felt that way

He died that way
In the eyes glazed over
Needle in the arm
Never getting back up
Kind of death

They way the rest of them died
Makes his death look like nothing
Like nothing about him really mattered
There is just one problem
He did matter
He still matters
And even if I am the only one
Who will stand at his grave
Speak to his parents
Bring him fresh flowers
Love him
Like he deserves to be loved

I will still be there
To show them
That he matters

The world will not remember
The boy with the dirty needle
Nor will it care
About the girl who still mourns him
But somewhere there are people
Who will read this
And decide to be careful
Not to be a Them
Or a Him
The only difference being
That one of them was someone to mourn

Introduction

Yeah I’m sorry that memory lane has been such a long trip, but not everything on it was bad. I can accept that not everything that glitters is gold, but the stuff here that glitters may not be valuable but it is still beautiful and as such it is worth something to me.

Like goldfish aptly named for their gold like scales these memories are nothing more than common companions tantalized by their own reflections and swallowed eventually by time only to be forgotten and flushed down the toilet by some new young thing still fresh from the womb. They will never know what hit them, or why they were forgotten. They will rot, sitting in darkness waiting for their day to reemerge. Their day to come back out and be remembered.

Like silver string it will hang from a spider web of lies deceit and betrayal waiting for the conscious mind to rest so in dreams it may remind us of its presence. Through dreams it will force us to remember until we wake shaking and screaming, crying out for our own sick predicament, praying to again forget.

For once we’ve forgotten we can go on believing what we want and without our memories to guide us we will repeat the same mistakes of the past over and over again until we ceace to forget and learn from our mistakes. That is why memory lane is long hard horrible and beautiful. That is why we must never forget. That is why this, and others like it, were written. It is why I exist.

I will never forget your lessons.
I will never forget your friendship.
I will never forget you.
Blue Jay, these are for you.

The boy with the dirty needle, and the girl who mourns him
Never Forget [The Meaning]
I’m Not Open Anymore

Humans Are Weak

In the days before builders
Before humans
Before life
There were no cities
No homes held dark and dank in the mists of the tree trunks
There was everything in its simplistic nature
But people came
They believed in something
Fairytales bent on learning good values
On righting wrongs
Where the wicked was punished
And none but the good remained

In the days before grown ups
Before parents
Before life
There were no scraped knees
No untied shoes
Only imaginary days filled with sunshine and life
Nothing was wrong
Princesses were rescued from towers
And frogs when kissed turned into princes
There was no need to cry
No need to worry
Children weren’t snatched out of front yards
And candy from a stranger was on Halloween
It was safe

In the days before logic
Before reason
Before strife
There were no wars
No infighting to grow higher
Only the desire to be one with everything
The creatures relied on themselves
On their instincts
They did not throw stones
Or build glass houses
They did not build
Or destroy needlessly

In the days before people
There was freedom
There was hope
Before people there was everything
Now there is nothing
Nothing left from our wars
Nothing left from our logic
Nothing left
No people
No cities
No hope

Happily Never After

Walking down a golden road
Looking for a prince trapped in a toad
Beggars looters thieves and me
Walking a road that leads to nothing

I got lost when I ran away
I ran from the noise I ran today
I screamed at the world: “who must I be?”
The world screamed silence back at me

There was no answer

My dress was tattered my crown torn gold
And I was no one, centuries old
I joined the gypsies looking for hope
In turn they offered a way to cope

Telling fortunes for a scrap of silver
I met a man who made me shiver
I asked the world: “who could he be?”
The world said nothing back to me

There was no answer

I sold my crown with my heart
All for a man, and a fresh new start
He loved me and he told me so
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, how could I know?

He was perfect made just for me
The gypsy princess lost as could be
I asked the world: “what might this mean?”
The world said nothing back to me.

There was no answer

Another gypsy just like me
Decided to join us, perfect as can be
She really loves us, loves to be free
She’ll never hurt us because she loves me

Then we learned she disapproved
And feeling bad I tried to move
I asked the world: “why me?”
The world said nothing back to me

There was no answer

A lost gypsy princess dare not say a word
For who knew would hurt her if she were heard
I tried to run not making a sound
I fell into a river and nearly drowned

There was no answer

I looked at the world and saw nothing
I wanted help, I wanted everything
I screamed at the world: “who must I be?”
The world screamed silence back at me

For we are no one, born of nothing
Meant for never afters

3:00 AM <-> 4:00 AM

It is currently 3:00 am.

Why in fucks name can’t I sleep? Oh that’s right, my sweet loving caring boyfriend scared the crap out of me before bed. And now I am to scared to go to sleep. Go ahead call me a scaredy cat, I will eat your face and devour your intestines. You sir, can rot in hell.

Allow me to remind all of you of the last time I didn’t sleep.

I cleaned my room until it was shiny! Really shiny. Like until it was glowing an eerie color of cleanliness. Which in case you didn’t know, is an eerie fucking color.

Then I got really high and danced to Bon Jovi for hours upon hours of endless entertainment. Which of course eventually ended, because I am obviously not fucking dancing at the goddamn moment. [I wish I were; that shit would be epic.]

Then I decided to try and light another hit, and burned the fuck out of myself. To this day the scar has never left me. It was that point and time that I decided to face every stoners worst nightmare, I put down the weed, stood up and began playing AFI. While dancing [flailing] and singing [screaming in broken English] I woke my dad up, a good call if I do say so myself, and he was freaking furious. [As any parent should be upon finding their child stoned in a disturbingly and suspiciously clean bedroom playing loud music at three in the fucking morning.] That was when my dad took my music and left. We haven’t spoken of it to this day, and I still can’t find where he hid that CD.

Then I was bored and alone but somehow my mind latched on to the alone bit more than the bored bit. By this point I was damn near delirious and in my tired state I made a mad dash for the only thing that could make it better. My old friend Blue Bird. [Blue for his rather melancholy smile and bird for his horrible habit of being far to chipper in the morning.] Upon calling the only savior to the curse of alone-boredom-ism we hatched a brilliant scheme to free ourselves from our evil captors. We snuck out the window and ran to Snake, there we promptly drowned our sorrows in alcohol.

The last memory of the night was at around 4:30 am. I was drunk and sick as shit, nobody really cared although I can vaguely remember Blue Bird asking if I was all right. I lay down on a green ugly plaid couch and passed out.

It was 6:30 am when I woke up on my front lawn. There was nothing in my pockets but Blue Bird’s phone and a slip of paper with my address on it. At least they made sure I got home okay. Right?

3:31 am.

I have a love hate relationship with memory lane, some of the memories are good ones, and some still give me nightmares. Maybe some kids grew up and found out that they weren’t scared of the dark. Maybe they thought it was just a phase. Me? I can’t leave my window open if it is dark out. I’m still terrified something, or worse someone will come through it. It isn’t a rational fear, if it was then everything, and yes I mean everything would be fucked beyond oblivion and straight on till morning. Do not pass GO and do not collect two hundred dollars. If that were true I think I would be dead. Luckily for myself and every other god [or whichever holy figure you worship] fearing person alive that is not rational and I am just crazy, hell yeah for the crazy train! WHOO HOO!

So perhaps story time continues, this time I think I will tell a funny one. :]

It was five or six in the late afternoon /slash/ early evening one late night in October. Back then everyone was calling me something a lot less cool than Mayhem and a lot more interesting than Emily. [Just in case you don’t know, my name is NOT and NEVER has been Emily. Although I do think it is a very pretty name regardless.] Blue Bird and Snake were long gone from my life, but that story has a rather tragic ending so I think I’ll let it lie. I had replaced them with outsiders, lots and lots of outsiders. These outsiders were Weasel, Rat, MomaBear, and Toad. We had lots of fun and we played lots of games together but one day Bear ate Weasel alive; which inspired Rat to eat Toad and then MomaBear shit itself and wiped it on Rat before it went home. Rat then turned to wipe it on me but I refused to play that game. Now they wont play with me anymore but I think that’s a good thing.

I laugh at this because I was there and looking back on it; this shit was very funny. Of course you don’t know the whole story, and unless you ask me in person you can take this as a sleep deprived rambling of a psychotic mind.

3:52 am.

I am still confused as to how I am awake.

3:53 am.

Holy Fuck God. Someone save me.

3:54 am.

I have decided that this is an evil time. I am scared of my own damn room. I can feel eyes staring at me from my closet. I’m going to curl up with Wolf and Pan. And try to get some sleep.

4:12

I can’t sleep. I am so screwed. Something is going to eat me. Help!

The Light In The Water

There is light shining through the water
Sending reflections upon reflections of rainbows
Shattering like glass
To the surface

The water is falling
Cascading like multicolored raindrops
Little iridescent reminders of sunlight
Glowing like the first day of spring

Each little shard closes around a memory
The first day of school
When your mother beat you
And the rain keeps falling down

There is light shining through the water
Which looks nothing like pearl beads
And everything like the light on your face
In the morning when I first wake up

The water is rising
It’s colors eating and consuming us
Until there is nothing left
But oddly colored piles of dust

The water will keep moving,
It’s lights brilliant and captivating
In it’s wake there will be nothing
But iridescent smears of the people we once were

And little tiny pearls of who we have become

Wolf, this one is for you.

Hello again.
This is Mayhem, I know I haven’t posted in a while but I’m out fighting crime, righting wrongs, and causing the normal and general mayhem that comes with my namesake.

The truth is, I have a fabulous boyfriend whom I love very dearly that’s been taking up all my time. He is seriously damaging to my writing time. :P

Luckily he also is a bit of my muse. Wolf, this one is for you.

Hugs and kisses, kisses and hugs
Rotting like houses, riddled with bugs
Empty like corpses, looking for souls
Living under bridges hunted by trolls

You have my heart like none I’ve known
A fact, I like to I think, I’ve shown
You and I are much too far apart
In all matters except those concerning the heart

Wolf and lion, outsider and pack
Labels and names, that are to hard to track
I suppose who we are, should not be defined
By anything other than our minds

I love you regardless of reason or rhyme
I love you regardless of space or time
Like books whose stories are too dead to be told
Like musty old houses covered in mold

Hug and kisses, kisses and hugs
You and I should be strung out on drugs
Watching the unicorns, fight with their swords
These old fashioned wars screaming: “Down with the horde!”

Mirror Mirror

I’m looking up into your eyes
And only seeing mirrors
Reflecting my hopes and fears
Back at me

If I take off your glasses
Will your eyes just be mirrors?
Or will I finally see you?

Fuck your mirrors
If all I am seeing is myself
You don’t love me
You never have

Ode To The Lack Of A Mother

I grew up way to fast
Forced into taking care of you as if you were a child.
But you weren't a child
And I was
And that wasn't fair

I didn't get a normal childhood
Sometimes I wish I did
But I happen to know better
Than to want what I can't have
Regardless of how pretty it is

When I look back at you and me
When I look back on our situation
I want to see us happy
Not us coping
With something we can never have.

I Eat Outsider's For Breakfast

Let's go out and rock the town,
Blow it up and knock it down.
The girls are hunting looking for meat,
With him in my hands as a special treat.
The moon is out making us crazy,
And all I want is to hunt my baby.

Holding his heart in my hands,
Praying that this is our last stand.
Knowing the hunted want us to fall,
We go out and risk it all.
Our pack is growing looking for meat.
But the big cats know; we’ve got you beat.

Wolves and Lions

Baby you call me
Sugar, Hun
You have no idea
That I can’t be your one

You call my name
And I’m seconds behind you
Knowing following
Because I really like you

Although we are both human
Or at least appear as such
You have no idea what I am
Or why I crave your touch

History has made us
The most mysterious of all creatures
Shrouded in our enigma
We grew up without teachers

The lions have left
They are far from our home
Perhaps they have found
New lands to roam

The wolves are gone too
They left you alone
But as lions and wolves
Our feud has grown

Maybe we alone
Could learn to see
But lions and wolves
Aren’t meant to be

On Fire

Tonight I’m out dancing, with my loaded gun
Nobody told me that this was such fun
Love me, know me, and tell me the truth
But don’t you dare smile if you can’t follow through

Lover, you and I are like lions and wolves
Far apart and separate like they said we should
But now you want me to be close at hand
Lover you scare me, is this our last stand?

Tonight is the night that we catch on fire
To burn short but brightly, like a brilliant star
Tonight is the night that we both die
And when they come knocking, they'll wonder why

Nighttime Horrorville

I keep having nightmares. But I can’t tell if they are visions of the future or mirages in the desert. Perhaps they are just my nighttime horrors that I can’t shake even in the brightest of daylights.

These dead things haunt me, even in my waking hours.

Rotting skeletons are crying out their stories in mere whispers, they beg me to listen they want me to know. But I don’t know what it is they are trying to tell me. They say: “Help me. I am dead, I need you. Stop this infection from spreading. Growing inside me like a mold built only to corrupt.” I cannot look away. The horror is spreading.

I wake and turn over. Wolf isn’t here to guard my dreams, I curl around a large stuffed toy like a child and cry until I can finally go back to sleep.

Riots are breaking out, people are screaming, being trampled others move into help but they are useless the chaos is too great and they only get swallowed up by the masses and become victims of the terror and corruption. I am watching from the classroom of eternal knowledge. I am in the only place I have ever felt safe and innocent. The teacher wants us to figure out a math problem to describe the violence. I can’t look away from the screen. I struggle to get out of my chair, but I’m not in my chair. I’m strapped down flat and I’m forced to watch it continue.

Again I wake, this time my throat is raw like I’ve been screaming. I can’t figure out what it is I’ve done to deserve this. I look around me; the light is barely shining in through my window. I’m scared and alone.

I’ve been here before. A dark parking lot that seems to stretch out into nothingness. There are trees on the outskirts maybe one or two but mostly there is just him and me. I can’t see him. I smell him, and I smell fear. “You scared of me?” There I went, over confident as always when will I ever learn? I hear foot steps running circles but still I see nothing but the empty parking lot, glowing in the light of the moon. “Don’t play with me, just come out and face me--” then I was on he ground, out of breath looking up at nothing but the moon and a shadowed figure. I never even saw it jump me. A tasteless piece of cloth was shoved in my mouth and a bag was pulled over my head. A sharp pain in my arm and everything went dizzy as I realized that there was a needle in my arm. I twisted pulled and only succeeded in terrifying myself further. Fear took over and finally I passed out. I was left in darkness, scared and alone.

I am never favored with dreams that make me smile; always I am plagued by nighttime dramatics that would terrify even the hardest horror fanatic. I am just a pawn in my dreams. a victim and an observer. Never can I save anyone. Not even myself.

There is the sound of an old floor creaking and the stench of something sterile. My eyes were heavy, tired. They didn’t want to open, I forced them. I moved with the sluggish quality of a drugged animal. Tired and weak I tried to get up only to strike my head roughly against the cage’s bars. I groaned, the sound of someone hurt echoed throughout the walls and only confused me more. I was tired, and sick. But sleep was not an option. I looked around me; my nearly useless eyes caught sight of something shiny, a glass bottle. I reached through the bars praying that my arms were long enough to reach it. Finally after what seemed like hours, the bottle was in my grip. I read the writing. CODINE. It was a clear liquid and on the tray was an injection needle. I felt like I was swirling and then suddenly I was back on the floor. The bottle was back on the table this time out of reach. I felt normal again, not as tired but still unnatural. There was a man in the corner. I could smell him he stunk compared to the cleanness of the room. It as then that I realized it was bleach. Everything had been washed in bleach, and scrubbed until it was smooth to the touch. Even me. I had no scent there was nothing to track me with, there was no one who would find me. I was completely and utterly alone. I think it was then that I started screaming.

I can’t sleep without Wolf nearby, if I try to then they always come back.

The doctor had me again. But this time there were no bottles to be seen, only needles. I couldn’t see his face only his hands. They were cold and gloved gripping my arm hard enough to bruise. I tried to pull away but he still had me, he wouldn’t let me go. The needles changed colors there was a clear one, a yellow one, a brown one. They all did different things. I was scared, terrified really. There was nothing I could do. No where left to run. No one to come looking. I was going to die and it was going to be painful and slow.

I’m scared of my dreams. How am I supposed to sleep if I can’t breathe unless I’m awake?

The Night

You are like the night sky
Scarred by both stars and the moon
But still beautiful and unending

Or perhaps you have an end
And like the millions of children
Who look up and see the sky
I am to blinded by your color to see it

So what happens when I reach your end?
When I stumble across it
With my two left feet
And my clumsy untied shoes

When I trip upon it
Quite by accident
And really, actually, cause you serious pain.

Could you forgive me
And all my flaws
Much like the night sky that so resembles you

For when tomorrow comes and the sun sets once more
As we know it will
You and I can start again

We can meet
And I can stumble
With my two left feet and my clumsy untied shoes
And never worry about hurting you again.

Spring

Our love is not like roses
Our love is not like spring
To say it is, is not only a lie
But a mockery of what we mean to each other

Our love resembles winter
Cold harsh and unyielding
It has not the warmth of summer
Nor the fickleness of fall

Our love is like a sickness
Violent and catastrophic
Infecting both of us
Multiplying and spreading
Until there is nothing left to corrupt.

Our love is like ice
Both beautiful and deadly
Freezing both us and our problems
To a single place in time

Our love is a mountain and a landslide
Pressing us together
The friction crushing us
To but mere fragments
Of what we once were

But through all of this our love is strong
Helping us and shielding us
From life's hard realities
All the while forcing us
To make decisions and choices
We never wanted to make

We will survive our winter
We will grow and evolve
Like seeds hidden in the ground
And then maybe our love
Can be like spring.

Love is Bullshit

Listen close
Can’t you tell
Theses words are saying nothing that they mean
They don’t mean anything
And at the same time they are the only thing that matters
If you look at the words
You have no idea
What I mean
Just listen
Close your eyes and feel them
They can scream to you
Or they can be silent
You can chose

Fuck this
Fuck you fuck me
And fuck this whole wide world
There is nothing here but you and me and us and nothing

Please don’t listen to me
You don’t understand me
I’m not making much sense
There was a problem
And I haven’t been the same since
Please don’t walk away
You don’t know
What I have to say
Close your eyes
You can't see through my disguise
Stop to hear me
And listen to my surprise

I love you
I need you
I can t stand a day without you
You don’t know me
And I don’t know you
Our love is like a fairy tale
It makes me smile
But it’s so stale

Anger, pain, betrayal. Am I really here, again?

Hello folks.

Perhaps something’s have been happening to you or your friends that have forced you to look at the world a bit differently than you used to. Maybe a ghost sprung out of your ceiling and sat down to have a nice cup of tea with you or maybe you’ve just learned that you are an outsider.

Now here is where I need to clear some air that has built up around this issue. Pack members are not a part of the "in crowd". It isn’t like high school, you can’t dress the right way, wear the right make up, or drink the right liquor to get in. You’re born with it. It’s like your ethnicity, you can’t take it off or change it; it is in your genetics. Now when a pack member calls you an outsider; don’t take offence, you are one. This is our name for you and if you don’t like it then don’t speak with us.

You have always been an outsider, just like we have always been pack.

We aren’t saying that we are better than you; we are only saying that we are different. All I mean to do by writing this is to ask that because you don’t understand us and because we don’t understand you, don’t make remarks about things you don’t understand. We have rules and hierarchy that we live by, so do you. We just speak a different language and our rules aren’t the same.

Please quit acting like you understand everything because you don’t, and we have never claimed to know all. We have never chased you from your friends or ridiculed your beliefs. We have never told you that you were wrong. Even when we thought your ideas would get us killed we stayed and helped as best we could. We have never and will never ever believe you to be less than us. We are equals and we have always said it as such.

We are not better than you. You are not better than us. We are just not the same. And that’s alright; if everyone was exactly the same then we would all be terribly bored and hate everything about life. Being different is not a crime. It’s what makes us who we are. Don’t persecute us for being who we are, because we have never done that to you.

We only want everyone to get along. So you do your thing and we’ll do ours, and if we clash in the middle then we will deal with it when the time comes.

Until then, please just leave us alone.

Mayhem

BANNERS?

Hello world! Well for starters today is just another not so special day that requires more than a little prodding to remove me from my sleep encrusted cave, and that being said my wonderful pack mate has given me beautiful banners for this blog!

[Pan they are freaking beautiful!]

However there is just one problem, I have only room for one. So here is how I am going to be doing this. I am going to use one banner a week. And keep rotating them around so I get to see all of them. Pan’s beautiful contribution to this blog has inspired me and now I ask that all of my readers please send in a banner! They don’t have to be super fantastically amazing but I love banners. And I will give you credit!

Don’t feel like you have to, this is just something that struck me randomly that I decided to do. I’ll be making banners as well!

Please post a link to your banners as a comment on this blog. Or just comment because you love me. :] But regardless, have fun!

At the end of the week I will pick the best banner and the winner gets to hang out with me for a whole day! I’ll even buy food! We can do whatever you want. I’ll just be there to rock your world twelve ways from Sunday!

Sincerely,
Mayhem

Banners:

Made by Pan:

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/LionLioness-1.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/animalsblackwhitelionphotography-1.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/lion-1.png

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/myhandsaretiedox9-1.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/458-CO-3-1.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/wisdom5lov-1.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/bullshit.jpg

Made by Mayhem:

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/The_Lion_by_death00.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/lion-2.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/BANNER-1.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/GAH.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/heartfelt.jpg

http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/butterflies.jpg

Death to the Outsiders [Or Maybe Just Me]

Time to complain:

Okay if you are reading this and you think for even one second that something might have to do with you, it probably does. And I am most likely pissed at you and you should walk on fucking eggshells for a few days until I get my bearings or until you all shut the fuck up and listen to what I am god damn saying.

Firstly I’m going to talk about Wolf.

I’ve come to the realization that I am a walking train wreak. I’m sleeping with a guy, who is absolutely fucking fantastic in bed and for a good long while that was all he wanted. Then he left his girlfriend, and then he started to like me, now he wants to date me. What the fuck did I just do?

Please tell me I did not just play bitch and roll over and let him win. I did not submit to an Outsider. I did not kiss a fucking Outsider and like it. I did not just agree to be said Outsider’s girlfriend.

Am I single? Is it monogamous? Am I a fucking placeholder until someone better comes along? Do I have any idea what the fuck is going on? Does he? Why does this give me more questions than it does answers? Aren't relationships supposed to be healthy?

Wolf you also have the wonderful habit of talking about things that I would rather keep quiet. You’re an Outsider, and sometimes when I live in my little delusional world, I forget that. As such you don’t understand pack rules. Because you don’t understand, you shouldn't talk about it. Do me a favor and shut up before you get me into trouble I can’t get out of. If you like me so goddamn much, do me at least that favor.

You know what? Fuck this. Fuck that. I am not a piece of meat. I did not let him mark me and NO, I DO NOT LIKE AN OUTSIDER. End of fucking story.

Even if I really do like him, I am no longer admitting it. [Or perhaps just in private company. >.<]

Okay I really like him and I am pissed that I don't understand him and that he doesn't understand me. But don't look to shocked by this admission or by this rant. This lioness is looking for a way out of her cage and for the moment the only way to do that is by raging against the bars.

Next up on my train of destruction. Mouse.

Hey there sweetheart. You have been a right doll and you are always there when I need a little girl time. Unfortunately, you also have the wonderful habit of pissing me the fuck off. You say you want my life. Well if you want it so much then fucking take it.

Here’s your checklist:
Dress like a whore
Meet a drug dealer
Get addicted to drugs
Become a whore for aforementioned drugs
Get addicted to aforementioned drug dealer
Get off drugs
Get addicted to sex
Lose EVERYONE important to you
[And the list goes on an on.]

Now reading that list is just a fucking starter, it’s a taste of some of the bad shit I've been though. I’ll be the first one to tell everyone I meet about my awesome stories and all of the good times I've had. What I don’t talk about is the shit that went wrong for me to get there.

Sometimes, like with Wolf, I forget that you are an outsider. And as such, I forget that you have a hard time understanding what I consider normal. You don’t have the same mannerisms, and obviously no matter how hard you try you will never be like me. You don’t want a pack because you don’t understand the pack way of life. You don’t have the genetics, and I’m sorry sweat heart but that is required.

You are not being my friend. You are being a groupie. Stop idolizing me, I am not the almighty and while I think it’s cute that you want to be like me, I think it’s damn near time you got your own perspective and you started living your own life.

Also thanks for comparing me to a drug addict ass-face you used to know. That really won you serious brownie points.

Lastly what I said was true I don’t care what you call me or if you talk shit about me when I can’t make it to something that you want me to go to. I don’t care if you hit me or throw things at me like a child. I don’t give a fuck about any of that. Why you ask? Because you’re not in my pack and that means whatever you say or do doesn't matter. The only people who matter aren't Outsiders, because Outsider’s don’t understand.

And next… Pan?

Hey there Pan, today I realized it’s us against the world. Thanks for helping me avoid that special bullet with my name on it. I’m so glad I have you to help me believe there are others out there. If there are, then we will find them and bring them home.

Then in a truly SINISTER fashion:

All of my problems went poof and I got my happy ending, that I don't deserve and that doesn't exist.

Sincerely,
Mayhem

The Actor

Living out a play, that is my life
Who needs to think when there are lines to read
Carefully memorized, and structured to keep the audience guessing
I do not need to breath, there are costumes to wear
Faces to have
Lines to read

Every one smiles and I laugh along
It’s a careful game of give and take
You have to know when to read
And when to improvise because someone else is forgetting their part.
You can’t begin to frown
Everyone is watching
Say your lines.

Don't forget, say something funny
Oh look here comes the smile
That's my cue
Laugh
Smile back
Say my next line; this time with feeling

They laugh and I walk away feeling nothing
But smiling all the same
When I'm alone the smiles gone
I sigh
Breath, for the first time today
Bang my head against the wall and beg for it to be over

A few precious moments of silence and I'm ready to cry just to feel something real
I play this part although I hate it.
For you
You are my everything
And you can’t know that
Because you hate me
I don't hate you, but I pretend to

There's a knock on the door and the costumes back on
They enter, my usual friends plus one
My sparing partner
I glare I throw words like punches
You stand there
Now this is different, time to improvise

Another line and then boom
It hits them like a bomb
My feelings
Just as expected, they recoil
"Why would you bring that here?"
Fake tears

You reach out and grab me, hold me close
Tell me everything is going to be okay
My tears stop
I'm shocked to silence
This isn't your part
Why aren't you saying your lines?
I'm not this good of an actor

I look away groping for words
Where is the player whose supposed to be stage right?
Why have they done this to you?
I need you to be my catalyst
You keep this play alive.
You keep me alive.

Where is my Armor my shield?
Where is my protection?
Where is my usual sparing partner?
Why have you been replaced by this pacifist?
I need this fight
I need this anger
My next scene is coming up
Don’t ruin my ending.

Tonight the stage is wrong. Tonight no one is reading
Tonight I'm on trial.
For faking it.
I react.
Anger. I push you away
"Leave me alone."

And then there's a scene change
The curtains close and everyone goes home
Sitting, staring, for the first time I'm lost on stage
Where are the costumes? Where are the sets?
Without my lines to read
How will I know what happens next?

I move away from the door; the costumes are torn to pieces
There is nothing left to build from
I have a choice to make
Do I try to go on? And patch this play together for a ragtag finish?
Or do I end it here?
I make a decision.

It is time for the ending.

Automatic Defense Systems

There are these things I do
They're automatic
Like a robot
A reflex that saves me from getting hurt
This is my defense against the world

You say some thing painful
I react without thinking
This is how you get hurt
I can’t plan these things
They just happen

You fire back
And now its a war zone
There are words flying through the air before I can stop them
You reach out and slam your fist into my face
You don't mean it

You look horrified, and say your sorry, you reach out to touch me
I don't forgive you
I reach back and hit you as hard as I can
You look stunned
As if you never expected that from me

I'll give you everything I've got.
Until there is nothing left of you
Or until there is nothing left to protect me
Either way we are both going down
I refuse to die alone

The Truth About a Sex Addict

There is no one here tonight
I've been using people
As a way to make my self feel better
I feel ugly when I'm not wanted
Like no one really cares

The people I'm sleeping with don't give a fuck about me
I'm not stupid
I know that
But I get a few moments of peace, of relaxed silence
Right after a few harsh words and an orgasm

Five minutes later I'm ready for more
The feelings are coming back
I'll ask a boy to say the night
Pretend like I don't want him to hold me
Because I know that he wont if I ask him to

Another night a new person
She's so pretty that she makes me feel dumb
I use her to validate my existence
Every time she screams my name
I know I'm alive, I'm wanted

She doesn't stay.
I don't ask her too
I lie when I promise to call her
I hope to never see her again
She was just another mistake, another tragedy.

I've been trying too hard not to feel so alone
Hoping that some one will make me feel normal again.
This leaves me with nothing more than a hollow feeling
Tomorrow I'll go out and meet some one new
Maybe they can fix me

Something Stupid

I did something stupid
Really stupid
I kissed you
And I should have known better
Fuck I did know better

I really knew better
I just wanted it
Something more than sex
Just for one damn night
How could I be so stupid?

And now I’m paying the ultimate price
I don’t kiss on the mouth
Ever
I know better than to let you win
I know better than to get emotionally involved

The last person I kissed
Made my life a living hell
He was horrible, wicked
He made me do the unthinkable
He made me lose myself

You and I are not kissing again
Regardless of whether or not it was amazing
You and I are nothing more
Than sex and one night stands
You and I are nothing

Fuck Buddies

I saw him again
That guy I’m having sex with
He remains the biggest pain in the ass
I have ever met

It’s really awkward to see your fuck buddy
And not fuck
He kept staring at me
All he saw was my shame

I would like to never relive that particular experience again

It’s not the sex that I’m ashamed about.
I mean really it was fucking amazing
I’m worried I’ve done something stupid
And I can’t go back on it.

I’m seeing him again in two days time
I need that like a hole in the head
A long as I never have to see him
When we aren’t having sex

I’ll be fine.

A Little Bit Of Nothing

The F a m i l y
Families are hard to have
Like love they are hard to hold.
When they come they give you nothing
When they leave you are left with gold.

The F r i e n d s
Friends are like
Buried treasure,
Hard to find
But full of pleasure.

The L o v e r s
Hurt me.
Rape me.
Make me bleed.
Just say you’ll love me that’s all I need.

The E n e m i e s
If I see you
On the street,
My knife you’ll find
Without its sheath.

Nightmare's Monster

Oh I’m your little nightmare,
Your monster, your disease.
I know you’ll never catch me,
But I’m begging you please.

This world is my playground,
A fact which you forget.
You think I’ve hit rock bottom,
But you aint seen nothing yet.

There is blood in my water
There’s ice in my veins
I died the day you broke me
These are just my growing pains

See I’m looking to do damage,
I want to settle score.
Put that knife wherever you want
That’s what my back is for.

Yes I’m your worst nightmare.
Your monster, your disease.
Just when you think you know me
I’m down on my knees

The Concept of Love

Understand
There is no love
And by writing this
I only mean to say
That love is nothing

Love is a concept
A thing we look for
And cannot see
It is not tangible
But we strive to seek it

We look all our lives
And discover nothing
Love is all around us
Or so they say
But do you see it?

Or do you see people
Trying to find that
Which they cannot hold?
Which they cannot see?
Which they cannot feel?

Understand
There is no love
And by writing this
I only mean to say
That love is nothing

Conversations Inside My Head

This place is a barren waste land, all of the people who claimed to have loved me left me for dead. Most of my family is dead to me, and I can count the people I care about on one hand. I've got enough problems to fill a library, maybe it's time to try new land and leave my problems here.

Damn, you must have some really bitter memories.

You have no idea.

Oh, and running away from it is so much better. Then you’ll be lonely again, Maxwell, and we all know how much you like being lonely.

Shut up! I love being on my own! I don't need anyone but me!

Smooth, Maxwell; real smooth.

You don't understand I have nothing left here, every time I turn around there are more people waiting to stab me in the back! I've got so much history here! I can't handle all of these people staring at me, watching and waiting for me to fuck up!

Paranoid, aren’t we?

I'm not paranoid! I'm just cautious! I know how people get hurt and I'm tired of being the one who gets all the beatings! I haven't got any real friends, all of the people who I think might care about me I'm scared will pick up and leave as soon as they get the chance!

Perhaps you are looking at this in the wrong way. Perhaps they just have issues being friendly.

Friendly issues my ass; they just have Maxwell issues, plain and simple as fucking day.

Shows how many real friends you have, huh?

Yeah, your a real help here with this wanting to die issue.

I'll get back to you on that.