The Actor

Living out a play, that is my life
Who needs to think when there are lines to read
Carefully memorized, and structured to keep the audience guessing
I do not need to breath, there are costumes to wear
Faces to have
Lines to read

Every one smiles and I laugh along
It’s a careful game of give and take
You have to know when to read
And when to improvise because someone else is forgetting their part.
You can’t begin to frown
Everyone is watching
Say your lines.

Don't forget, say something funny
Oh look here comes the smile
That's my cue
Laugh
Smile back
Say my next line; this time with feeling

They laugh and I walk away feeling nothing
But smiling all the same
When I'm alone the smiles gone
I sigh
Breath, for the first time today
Bang my head against the wall and beg for it to be over

A few precious moments of silence and I'm ready to cry just to feel something real
I play this part although I hate it.
For you
You are my everything
And you can’t know that
Because you hate me
I don't hate you, but I pretend to

There's a knock on the door and the costumes back on
They enter, my usual friends plus one
My sparing partner
I glare I throw words like punches
You stand there
Now this is different, time to improvise

Another line and then boom
It hits them like a bomb
My feelings
Just as expected, they recoil
"Why would you bring that here?"
Fake tears

You reach out and grab me, hold me close
Tell me everything is going to be okay
My tears stop
I'm shocked to silence
This isn't your part
Why aren't you saying your lines?
I'm not this good of an actor

I look away groping for words
Where is the player whose supposed to be stage right?
Why have they done this to you?
I need you to be my catalyst
You keep this play alive.
You keep me alive.

Where is my Armor my shield?
Where is my protection?
Where is my usual sparing partner?
Why have you been replaced by this pacifist?
I need this fight
I need this anger
My next scene is coming up
Don’t ruin my ending.

Tonight the stage is wrong. Tonight no one is reading
Tonight I'm on trial.
For faking it.
I react.
Anger. I push you away
"Leave me alone."

And then there's a scene change
The curtains close and everyone goes home
Sitting, staring, for the first time I'm lost on stage
Where are the costumes? Where are the sets?
Without my lines to read
How will I know what happens next?

I move away from the door; the costumes are torn to pieces
There is nothing left to build from
I have a choice to make
Do I try to go on? And patch this play together for a ragtag finish?
Or do I end it here?
I make a decision.

It is time for the ending.