155

So tired... Can't sleep... Don't want to eat. WHY DOES MY BRAIN KEEP ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT?!

Three hours of sleep makes me hate myself.

Let us love you until you love yourself.

I am watching a documentary called “hungry for change”. One because I always like to see if there is something I can learn from these people, and two because people talking about improving their lives and their weight makes me less likely to eat. It was then that one of the men spoke about joining a group where there motto was:  “Let us love you, until you love yourself.” I think this is brilliant and something a lot of the people on this site need. I can’t speak for the rest of you but I personally joined this community to find friends, to find someone who would accept my awful habits and treat me like a person again. I wanted to find people who looked at me and didn’t see my eating disorder. People who struggle with the same awful problems I do every day. I found that, as well as I found people who hate themselves as much as I hate me. I found people who shame others and people who support others; I found human beings who are beautiful and flawed and perfect exactly as they are.

I have come to the realization that I love you. I love everything about you, from your thighs to your hair to your brain to your broken and disordered thoughts. I love you for all the things that you hate about yourself. I love you for the things you do to recover and the things you do that promote your disease. I love you despite the fact we have never seen each other; I love you despite the fact we may never speak. I love you because you deserve to be loved and that means so much to me.

I understand if you can’t love yourself right now. I understand if you hate everything about yourself. You may always feel that way I can’t promise it will change. I can’t look in a mirror or step on a scale without hating myself; fuck I can go running or even watch TV without finding some way to loath my entire being.  I’m not asking you to love me, it’s more often than not I don’t feel like I deserve love; like I don’t deserve to be happy. However with or without your permission I am going to go on loving YOU, until you learn to love yourself. Because you deserve to know how it feels to have someone love you. You deserve to be happy and I truly believe that given time and having an active group of people who love you that you will learn to love yourself.

So when you beat yourself up please remember someone out here loves you, and nothing you do will change that.

156.5 Fuck Fuck Fuck

I had a bad night, I fasted all day long but last night B wanted to get food and we went to Taco Bell. Fucking Taco Bell. I am so mad at myself I looked up the calories and it was close to 1500 calories in one meal. The good news is MFP still says I will lose weight but I feel doubtful because they are used to someone with a normal metabolism not one that has been screwed up by my eating habits.

Today has been a good day I have thus far managed to avoid eating and I have only had black coffee and 276 Calories of Vodka. Aka 4 Ounces. I am avoiding food like the plague and I even told my mum I was starting to eat healthier so she will not question me not eating any fatty foods or sharing in her meals. I supposed we will just have to wait and see if she gets suspicious.

I am currently happier about being able to progress forward to my goal weight. I really think I can do this, I want to be pompous and say something like: it's not hard to lose weight you just have to want to, because the formula for how to lose weight is simple.

Calories in - Calories burned = weight loss/gain

Despite it being a simple formula and a simple plan I find it is not always easy. Even just eating healthy and trying to be a normal person is exhausting. Someday if I ever get to a place where I am normal and truly recover, i.e. no longer have disordered thoughts and feelings regarding food, I will have to come back here and at least inform you all about it. Maybe someday.

I am feeling very sad today because I feel like B is going to leave me. I know he doesn't like my ED he hates it but today I saw him really get pissed about it. We were driving in my car and I said I wanted to lose about 60 pounds and he said: "You are not THAT big." I got really quiet because he even said it, THAT big. I am still big, at least bigger than I should be. He then started saying how he was done talking about it because he had just offended me again and I take everything the wrong way. HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT?!

Not THAT big.
Means I am in some way BIG.
Which is not okay at all. Not in my book anyhow.

God how I wanted to kill myself in that moment. I mean I don't blame him for feeling the way he does it's hard enough to watch the woman you love slowly trying to kill herself with food but to have to hear about it to is just to much. Maybe I should just start lying to him about it? But then I am lying to the only person I want to understand me. I can't lie to him, Maybe I will just stop talking about it. If I can that is. All I talk about these days is fasting or exercise or food or meal plans. I feel so damaged.

I have started the search for a friend who has an eating disorder. Someone I can talk to that might actually understand the anguish I feel over eating a cookie. Or eating anything at the moment to be honest.

Lots of love,

Miss Sinsiter

156

Starvation is control
Control is tough
Bones are beautiful
When thin isn't enough.

Random thinspo and my own ramblings.

I think the world would be a beautiful place if I were smaller, I just want to be tiny pretty and perfect. I will not be able to cope with anything less and I know that about myself.

Currently I am watching these beautiful ballerinas dance there is a show all about them on Netflix. I find it incredibly triggering and I enjoy watching them dance. Makes me wonder if I had been able to keep dancing where I would
be today. I need to cam today but I really want to be boring and do nothing while I wait for the call from the Human Resources Department that will allow me to get the background check done so I can start working as soon as possible. I really can not wait to go to work so I can be around all the other people eating and not want to eat out of boredom,


I think I am going to post my favorite thinspo quotes from the internet and that way I will always be able to find them again on here. To be fair though I think I have done that more than once, Any how here you go!

You have to believe in yourself. And you have to believe deep within the bottom of your soul, feel you can do the job you have set out to do. 
It doesn't get easier, you just get better at it. 
It doesn't matter how slow you do, as long as you don’t stop or look back. 
Do not give up what you want most for what you want at the moment. 
Hunger hurts but starving works. 
The difference between Want and Need is Self Control. 
I have come too far to take orders from a cookie. 
You only fail of you stop trying.

160.5

Half a pound down. 60.5 pounds to go. Although I always said I didn't want to get below 105. I guess when I finally get there again I can make my mind up for sure,

I keep having these conversations with myself and they go something like:

If you eat you should eat in front of a mirror.
Your legs are fucking huge.
You should skip lunch today.
Don't eat.
...
And then my sad little self responds with: "Okay."

I am happy I lost half a pound, It is sad that just that one little thing is what made me feel better. I mean I know I am still a whale. I know that I am still not perfect.

Today I am drinking black coffee. I used to hate black coffee...I am learning to like it though. I think in reality its really just Stockholm Syndrome. You learn to love the things that take you away from the world. You learn to love the thing that kidnapped you and ruined your life. You learn to love a disease that will kill you because you don't have a choice anymore.

It is sickening, We all do it I think. Correct me if I am wrong here but eating disorders are something we hate, We loath the fact that we hate ourselves, We abhor the relationship we have with food. However we also can't stop, We love how being empty feels. We love how the world thinks we are to thin.

So as I sit here writing this I want you to know that while I hate this disease and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I also love the control it gives me over my life. I have been thin and I have been beautiful. I can get back there. If you doubt me let me show you how wrong you are.

Stay sane,

Miss Sinister

I am broken.

I need to sleep and workout but I can't because I have a job interview. Which is surprisingly good news. I hope I get it, it's waiting tables so it involves being around food which I know will trigger me into not eating.

 Also as a side note I totally just went to my interview and got the job! I am so excited! So I am very excited to be triggered into not eating every day. Is that bad is it wrong? I don't know anymore, I feel like shit on a fucking cracker.

I am back on MFC which is a cam site that basically does softcore porn. I am making okay money at it so I am pretty happy with it. Although I wish i was skinnier so I would look better on camera. I have a modeling gig up in San Antonio and another in Austin so I am hoping to lose some weight so I can go up there and look awesome on camera and make more money.

It sucks that I can't do what I love to do without feeling like I need to lose 60 pounds. I really do though. 

I need to lose at least 60 pounds and I am not even joking. I stepped on a scale this morning and holy fuck balls I was 162 pounds y'all. I had to talk myself out of putting a gun in my mouth. So instead of killing myself I am eating MUCH MUCH less than a normal person would today. I have eaten 610 calories thus far today and I am making dinner tonight which I can not get out of eating because my mum is involved. Could be worse. I am making a broccoli crust pizza with low calorie everything. It should come out to 275 calories for half the pizza. My mom should be able to see me eat and be happy that I am making strides forward, Learning to beat the system. Although I suppose I am not really eating less than most people just less than I have this past week.

Lots of love to all of you out there, Stay safe,

Miss Sinister

Who knows what I weigh. Who cares? Oh yeah... I do.

So I am really unhappy and as such I can’t stop feeling like crap. B is trying really hard to put up with me but I can tell he is angry with me all the time. I’m too excitable. I can’t control it though. I want to say it’s not my fault but I get bored I get anxious, I do stupid things without thinking and it bites me in the ass. I know it is my fault, I know I should be on medications. Not taking my medications sucks but I can’t do anything about it until I find a job again. Fuck I’m even applying at fast food restaurants I just need a job to pay my bills. Once I have that I can focus on me again. On making myself happy again.

I am FUCKING DEPRESSED.  I just want to enjoy life again and I can’t right now. I can’t do anything without a bloody job. I need money to function. I can’t even pay my car note. Let alone my insurance.  Someone help me, please god help me.

Anyhow I am starting small with my eating habits. At this point I am more than anything just trying to eat less, not better food just less of it all. Small changes is what works best for me. And by not cutting out things like I kept doing before I might be able to avoid the binge/purge cycle that always follows when I go head first into fasting or restricting. I wanted to do a liquid diet but I know if I do that then B will be so beyond worried. It’s not worth it to worry him. There was a point in my life when I would have said fuck what he cares about I am going to do what I want, but I love him. We have been fighting more than I want to admit but we are going to be okay. I hope so at least.  I hate fighting but at least it puts me off my appetite.

I love you all. Be safe stay lovely.

Miss Sinister