133.8

<3

134.4

So today is the day I attempt to break my self inflicted curse. No bingeing. No stupid mistakes.  Just thinspo and hopefully a protein shake for dinner. That way if I am extremely lucky I can hit 133 by tomorrow. The goal is to hit 130 by Friday.  That way I am only 15 pounds from my goal weight. I figure I'm going to take this one step at a time. I feel like five pounds a week is not an unreasonable goal.

Honestly though I would be comfortable with any weight loss no matter what the number; a loss is a loss.

Despite all that I almost totally missed a period. I only bled during sex, which really pisses me off.  Why the hell am I only going to bleed when we fuck? I miss fun sex immensely. Like more than you will ever understand.  Also I talked to Hansel and he is going to get rough with me now. I am beyond excited. I have replaced food with sex and it makes me ecstatic. Now if I could get back to the place where shit doesn't go wrong every single day I could be happy again.

Being happy about something other than weight loss or sex is a strange concept to me. I just find happiness in sex; getting off is what fuels me to keep going when shit gets hard in life. It is like when I wake up and the scale goes down in the morning.  It becomes instant happiness. Gives me the will power to keep going. To stay strong.

I feel mighty today.  Like I'm the best thing since unsweetened almond milk. I can not wait to hit the 120's, it's going to be a bloody miracle.

Much love lovelies!

Miss Sinister

135.5

Totally weighed myself after a huge binge and a run in 98 degree heat so I don't really trust it. Today I am negative in my calories though which feels pretty good. I am really tired and contemplating turning today into a two day water and prunes diet. Although I might just do liquids for a few days until I drop past 130. I need to break past this curse. I totally admit it is self inflicted but it needs to end asap.

I will not be cursed. No way not now not ever.

My curse is that every time I hit around 135 pounds I binge and I ruin it. I'm 5 pounds from my first goal weight. What the fuck breaks in my head that just has to fuck it up for the rest of me. It's exhausting.

I'm not even going to get into what keeps happening with Hansel. Okay I am lying you all know I can not keep my mouth shut. We cannot stop fighting because he hates my ED. I think it's because anytime he starts to feel guilty for anything he reacts very violently to it. He was just fine to try to talk to me to get his feelings across until I started crying. Then he feels bad and starts yelling. It's not like I can help it though,  he makes me feel like a fuck up. Like I'm failing at being a normal girl. Which I totally am,  but who wants to be normal? 

I'm striving for perfection not to be average. Average is what, in my mind at least, most normal people are. Some of them are morbidly obese some of them are freakishly thin or muscular; but most of them are a boring average. Kind of like me now.  I'm average for my height and weight and it is killing me.  I don't need to be underweight I just want to hit the bare bottom of the healthy weight limit. I want too scrape the edge and dance on the line. Is that so wrong? 

Maybe that's the real reason I can't be happy. Perfection to me is wanting to be so thin I'm weightless. I want my boyfriends to be able to pick me up and not breathe heavily because I'm to heavy.  I want to be super skinny. Not just thin but almost too thin. It's a dangerous line to walk and I think it is going to be the cause of Hansel and I not spending much more time together.  I sense a break up coming and I am usually right.  Sucks though because he is really cute and he really goes out of his way to please me during sex. (Which is freaking amazing no guy I have ever been with has ever actually cared about that before.)

Speaking of sex; the car sex is getting boring as hell. I miss fucking in a bed where I can be tied up and thrown around. I really need to change the subject here I'm getting images in my head that won't leave my brain alone. Hansel told me last night the reason he won't do BDSM stuff is because he weont stop if I call a safe word.  That scares me because if you call a safe word and they don't stop it's rape.  That's you saying no and them not stopping. I love BDSM I don't know if I can have a happy sex life without at least a little of it in there. But I really don't want to go play danger with a man who is so much bigger than me. I guess I am fucked. Just not how I would like.

Much love!

Miss Sinister

135.4

I am sorry for neglecting you all I am a terrible person and I fully admit it. Moving on I gained back almost a pound when I started eating some solids again (and from a binge but I will get into that later). I think I might just start randomly doing liquid only days at least once a week. BECAUSE THEY TOTALLY WORK AND I FEEL SUPER ENERGISED! Or thatnmight just be the coffee. Lol

Today I ate prunes (100) and coffee with powder creamer (50) and I plan on ingesting water only until dinner. However I do have my fiber one bar just in case my sugars get to low. I definitely do not want to pass out again.

Weirdly enough I can not stop thinking about sex... it is on my mind almost 24/7 and it is a little disconcerting considering I just got laid last night. Honestly though it's having sex in a bed that I miss the most. Bed sex is the best. It's better than wall sex. And I don't say that often. ;) Hansel has not been able to spend the night in what feels like forever so we are reduced to sordid midnight meetings for car sex. Definitly not my favorite.  Maybe I should trade him out but the trouble is I like him. He makes me happy. He also makes me fearlessly insecure at times.

Last night he triggered me so badly its almost unbelievable. Him and his friends got onto the topic of eating a lot of food and they said I'm a tank when I want to be. (Aka when I am binge eating) then he said: "Oh I know she eats like a fat kid! She ate like six times on my birthday!" I had to stop my self from saying some thing I would regret later. Then his buddy who has no idea about my ED said: "just be thankful it falls off of you so quick or you would be huge. You are lucky you stay so skinny."

I AM LUCKY TO BE SKINNY?! ARE YOU FUCKING  KIDDING ME?!

I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to so badly its insane that I managed to stop myself. I wanted them to know the hell I go through to stay where I am. Let alone the struggle of getting thinner. I want them to understand why what they said is not okay, I don't want them to trigger any one else like this ever again. I fucking went home and ate my entire kitchen. Thank god I gave away those cookies yesterday, because let me tell you my mind was on a mission to destroy everything I have been working for in some stupid attempt to prove them right. I can not believe how stupid I am.

Moving on I know I'm incredibly abnormal and definitely a little broken and insecure but I'm still loveable right? I totally can be a horrible fat ugly person and still find love. I can still be loved and love someone else. I mean it's not crazy to want to be loved right?

Who am I kidding though, only the perpetually beyond fucked up would love me.

134.8

So today started well, and yesterday was phenomenal! You have no idea how proud I am to say that I was all liquids only for at least three days this week, technically I am on day four of my challenge but day two ended with me being force fed because I kinda sorta passed out while driving because my blood sugar got to low. Joyous of days.

So in better news in being better prepared for sugar lows I am bringing an extra protein shake to work and I also have an Emergency Fiber One bar that has like 7 grams of sugar just in case I start to feel sick.

I am happy to report that I have lost more weight again. I'm down to 134.8 today and I did insanity yesterday and I will be doing it again tonight. I need to stop skipping days so I don't get behind again. I'm already a whole day behind and it is so fucking hard to do two in one day.

Kill me now please.

But seriously y'all this liquid fast makes it beyond hard to workout. I am exhausted as hell and I can't wait to sleep at night.

In other news Hansell is acting really funny and I dislike it. I don't know how to feel around him. I really like him but I find myself putting him at a distance to keep myself safe. Funny how that works yeah?

Anyhow I am off to work now so I have to go!

Much love ladies!

Miss Sinister

137

[Turns out I forgot to actually publish my post from yesterday and I apparently just saved it as a draft instead. :/ So that is why there are two posts today with different weights! Sorry!]

My first day of liquid fasting went great I was not really hungry at all and I got through my fit test for Insanity with good results! Some of them even improved on my first time through! So I'm really excited about it! Hopefully building my muscle mass up again will have me burning more calories and as such I can get better fat burning results. I wouldn't mind weighing 130 pounds of I were pure muscle, because then I would be a size 2-4 and I think I can handle that. If not at least the skin will tighten up some more.

Today has started off very stressful though, I am totally broke.  Which is great since I'm not eating but it sucks since I can't buy anything I need.  Like laundry soap. 

Oh well it will always get better!

Much love my lovelies!

<3 Miss Sinister

140.4

I'm starting a liquid fast today, I am hoping to keep it going at least until Friday. Although I'm wanting to do two to three weeks at least. I am back on MPA and back to my unhealthy habits. It's funny how I spiral so badly, it drives me totally crazy. I need the control of restricting it keeps me sane, and doing this: 'Fuck it I don't care' bullshit and binging is killing me. I hate not feeling in control of my life and I can't stand how this entire epidemic is making me feel like a failure.

I tried talking to my boyfriend about it and he doesn't understand.  Not that I blame him he wants me to recover. The only reason I told him is because we promised to be honest always. (I even wrote a contract its awesome. I might post it up here for y'all to read someday.) I keep wondering if it's possible to have a relationship and have total control of myself at the same time.

140.2

I feel like I'm documenting the mind of an eating disordered metal patient. But the paitent is me and I don't know how to feel about anything. I am going to be starting Insanity again so I'm hoping it's not the start of another binging cycle.  I just quit today; yesterday and the day before I binged myself back up to 140.2 pounds.

I am resisting the urge to punch myself in the face. I need some positive people in my life who are not always throwing food at me. Who don't want to go out to eat all the time or go out drinking. Why cant we have fun that doesn't involve ingesting calories?

Fuck if I know.

?

I am unaware of a feeling more terrible than that of failure. A close second for me would be the feeling of being ignored. Currently I'm feeling both. It's impossible to explain why this bothers me so much. Maybe I really liked him, maybe I was replacing my ex with someone who was there not someone who was good for me, maybe I'm to fucked up to be happy.

Who the fuck knows.

More importantly who cares?

My eating has been erratic at best and chaotic at worst. Looks like I'm getting back to that crazy depressed state of not wanting to eat anything anymore. It drives me crazy that my brain works like this and that I need more than just oxygen in my lungs to survive. I have not been drinking enough water either. 

But who cares right? It's not like you have anyone left that cares about you.

Just deal with it. Cope to the best if your abilities and keep moving forward. 

I'm happy to say I can just stop eating again. My mom isn't triggering me as badly and I can slowly start to restrict and she won't notice just like before.

My parents are fighting non stop  as a result of that I'm wanting to avoid everyone. Unfortunately I still have to work so I cant avoid everything. Its to bad really because I'm starting to hate everything and everyone.  Fun shit.

Stay beautiful, 

Miss Sinister