Tonight I have to do my Fit Test and I'm a little scared (since I have to close at work tonight) that I'm going to get lazy, but I am determined that I'm going to do it no matter what. So hopefully I won't be letting myself down anymore.
Also I am going to ask Matty to bring home dinner from his work so I don't have time to guilt myself into skipping dinner. I ate a huge breakfast and have been unable to convince myself to eat all day, I just don't want to. It's a weird mix for me but I feel so guilty for eating that I'm avoiding food again. I just can't win against this monster that is me. Inner demons are evil little bastards. I'm working so hard to be normal and when I'm counting calories I'm under eating, but when I'm not I'm paranoid I'm over eating. Which who knows if I am or not? It might have just been a binge this morning, I can't know when I'm not counting calories. What is normal, who knows? Why can't I just follow my meal plan like a normal person!? This is hell. Complete and total hell. I used to be so in control and look at me now.
I'm actually a bit over weight for my height right now. Don't ask how I know because I'm sure of it reguardless what people say, but I know a lot of that has to be muscle mass growing from the Insanity workouts so I'm trying not to panic.
That's right.
Calm cool collected.
Do. Not. Panic.
Everything is fine... Just freaking fine.
Recovering for me is mostly about gaining some sense of positivity about my looks. Once I feel I look better I will be able to eat better. I'm sure of it. The people who know about my ED and watched me go through the hell that is EDNOS [i.e. losing 70 pounds by not eating, then binging and purging, then back to starving losing another 20 pounds rapidly, then trying to recover and gaining a lot back, then relapsing...] think I need to focus on food. How I wish my health insurance covered this crap. I need a freaking psychiatrist!
Although to be fair I would probably tell them they didn't know what they were talking about. I am a hot mess.
Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister
"Recovering for me is mostly about gaining some sense of positivity about my looks." I've managed to eat without binging and purging, like a normal girl for 3 years ( not considering short relapses ) and I still can't see my body as normal. I don't know how much time needs to pass in order to lose a disordered body image, but I certainly haven't lost it. I still love underweight , boney bodies even if I know its wrong.
ReplyDeleteHope you keep up the good work.
Some people say you can never lose the image you have set in your head. I hope with all my heart that they are wrong. I am tired of hating my body and I'm doing a lot to change in a positive way, honestly I don't know if I will ever be able to see myself as normal. I hope I will as I hope you will too!
DeleteI wish you the best!