Starving and insanity.

So I'm down to 155.5 this morning. Not to bad really considering. I started insanity again yesterday and as such I'm going to be eating a little more so I can build up some muscle.

Here's to getting in shape.

In the insanity program your calories burned is estimated in the hundreds. Personally I am going to guess its between 100&200 a tape. I'll try to keep you informed.

Im a fat ugly fuck.

I started the insanity program again. I was 155.5 after my workout so I am praying as long as i keep it up I will be back at 150 by Wednesday. Its a lofty feat but I feel like its better to aim high.

I mean the worse thing that could happen is I fail. The best is I stop seeing Ben until I get back on my adderol and I no longer have the urge to eat ever again.

I love you all be better than me. Be strong.

Miss Sinister

158.5

Binged over the weekend with Ben. I gained 8 pounds in two days...

Yeah eating sucks. Back to restricting heavily. Maybe I just won't leave the house this weekend.  Yeah that could work.

Please kill me.

150.5

Only half a pound. If I am being honest it really bothers me that I only lost half a pound but oh well at least I am still getting thinner. I keep telling myself that I can do this and everything will be okay. That progress is still progress no matter how small.

I think this is going well. I am trying to avoid going to Ben's house tonight, it's not that I don't want to see him far from it. I just don't want to be tempted to eat. You know it's bad when you really really really want to see your boyfriend and have copeous amounts of sex but you wont because you are scared of eating.

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister

So I am at 480 calories for today and this morning I was at 151.

Tonight I am making my mum a baked potato with cheese and chicken and its going to be amazing.

The best part is I don't have to eat any of it. :]

Best of luck to all of you.

I love you all.

Stay Safe,
Miss Sinister

You don't know self hate until you've chewed and spit a doughnut.

151. Down I go!

I'm very excited today. Feeling empty makes me feel beautiful.

Stay beautiful!

Miss Sinister

152.5

I know it might seem strange but I am currently outside of my work in my car writing this on my laptop. I don't go in for another 30 Minutes and it seems better to waste my time out here than it does to sit around and stare at the walls inside. I really do not want to bring my laptop in there. I mean who knows what would happen if someone read over my shoulder. I guess I could lie and claim this is a weight loss vegan blog.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention. All my coworkers think I'm a vegan. To be honest if it weren't for my store bought protein shake it would be true. I keep going to the same Wallgreens every morning and buying the same thing. Which today they were out of by the by talk about tough choices 200 calories of not what I wanted... However I go there so often the Clerk knows me. He and I bullshit about life and we laugh a bit before I leave. I am curious to know if he is just friendly or if he is hitting on me. Personally I can never tell. I really hope he isn't though. I get a little freaked out when people hit on me and I can not handle it. I just want Ben why do people not understand that ALL I WANT FROM THEM IS FRIENDS?

Anyhow I am down to 152.5. Which is a nice change from yesterday. I am going to keep this up until I hit my goal weight.

In other news my mum has worms. What kind we have yet to find out. I am mortified for her, really grossed out, and vaguely curious if that is why she is losing weight. Did you know that some people actually purposely infect themselves with worms to lose weight? That is so gross I can not even tell you. I am horrified at the thought that I to could have these intestinal parasites. At the moment I have not noticed any of them but I will be keeping a keen vigilance now that I know they are present in the household. It is so creepy that my mom has worms and all the dogs might too, We have to treat everyone of them as well as the cats. I will keep you all updated as to how it goes.

In other news I love my job but the pay is really shitty. Hopefully a better one will come along sooner or later.

Lots of love, and stay beautiful out there.

Miss Sinister

601 calories

I've been really good but I'm not seeing results. I know I can't have everything but I want everything.

I'm scared I'm not doing enough. Maybe I should go do pushups or something. Fuck.

20 things someone with an eating disorder wishes they could tell you.

I envy you for being able to eat without a burdening feeling of guilt, shame and self loathing.

I often envision myself eating normally - enjoying it - but the idea is always better than reality.

Please don't feel guilty about eating in front of me. Watching other people eat with enjoyment spread across their faces fills me with a warmth you wouldn't know.

I wish I could cook for you and share the meal together. I really do.

My anorexia isn't an attempt to be thin and beautiful. It's about disappearing entirely.

My bulimia isn't about having my cake and eating it. It's about punishing myself.

I'm sorry that I cancel on you so much but my bulimia forces unexpected dates upon me that I have to attend.

If I do ever eat anything in front of you, take that as a huge sign of trust.

If I do ever eat anything in front of you, please don't bring any attention to this situation.

Eating disorders aren't just a starvation of food - they are a starvation of life and joy.

I am not being rude when I don't join in your conversations about food. I just feel so disconnected from that part of life.

It annoys me when you go on diets because you're perfect and happy as you are. Don't ruin that. I know where obsession leads.

I didn't look at a picture of a model and seek to acquire their figure. I looked at myself and hated the reflection; I thought I took up too much space.

When I ask you if I look big, I am not attention seeking. I need reassurance that my quest to diminish is working.

Me not wanting to be your size doesn't mean I think you're fat. It means I associate your size with happiness of which I am not worthy of.

When meeting new people, please don't imply that I eat to try and make me not stand out. I think they will see me as weak for being an eater.

My eating disorder doesn't act alone; its friends are depression and anxiety.

I used to love food and still do. I probably think about food more than you do.

My eating disorder isn't a choice - it's an illness.

I will never expect you to understand me and my disorder as I don't think I even understand myself.

I found this very powerful, and true for the most part. I think personally this is something normal people need to know.  Please feel free to add more if you have any.
<3 Miss Sinister

153.5

I just discovered that my coffee has calories. 12 of them to be exact.

Black coffee is 12 calories. I'm heartbroken.

So now I will be adding in those calories. I'm so mad since when does black coffee have calories?

FUCK.

154.5

As long as its going down I m happy. Praying for 150 by Wednesday.  ♡♥♡

So that went well... Not.

I ate a piece of pizza, subsequently had a panic attack, freaked out over the calories and purged it.

I wish I could blame it all on Ben but I can’t. I am weak around him and he makes me feel safe and happy; which subsequently makes me feel like I’m allowed to eat. So I ate and then freaked out as previously stated. 

Ben actually threw out all of the food in the house trying to get me to calm down. HE THREW AWAY HIS DINNER AND NOW IS REFUSING TO EAT. Which as I am sure you’ve guessed it by now is making me feel even worse. How much of a fuck up am I that I can’t even eat one meal without crying. I should have just stuck with the plan to not eat tonight. It would have been so much better. Ben would have been okay with it. He is always okay with it.

Anyhow I think I got it all out and it worries me how nonchalant I feel about vomiting up what a normal person would consider a snack, Ben can eat half a medium size Pizza by himself. Why did once slice do this to me?

Eating disorders, That's why.

Want pictures anyone?

156, Roses are red, violets are grey; I shouldn't have eaten anything today.

Today and the past few days have been going well. I know it seems hard to believe but I am going to be fasting around my boyfriend now. I can't handle eating with him and then starving myself when I get home. So now I guess I am going to be just starving myself all the time now. Yeah my brain is broken like that.

I have a new job, again. Now I am working at a vet clinic and it is a ton of fun. Although the trade off for liking my job is the pay is total shit. Although I told everyone at my work I am a vegan so they leave me alone when I don't eat around them. Work keeps me from thinking about food though. I do try to restrict as best I can when I am off but today I feel like a total fat ass. I ate 321 Calories thus far today. I am going to tell Ben tonight I don't want to eat anymore and I am going to ask him to not ask me to eat at all anymore. I want to lose at least 50 pounds and I feel like that is totally doable in the next two months,

All it takes is 30 days to lose 30 pounds. 30 days of fasting to create a habit. right now I am on day 3 of being good. I plan to make day 10 then day 20 then day 30 then day 40 and so on. I will be the master of myself.

Make yourselves proud,

Miss Sinister

157

Day one of the fast went well. I was not tempted to eat at all. I'm happier now that I'm down to 157. I think I'm going to keep fasting for a while. Makes me happy to be fasting. I feel constructive.

Anyhow my mum and I are going horseback riding today. I am excited because not only have we not gone riding in forever but it is a wonderful chance to burn calories.

Stay strong lovelies day two is upon us.

159.5

The laxatives I took are still working their way through my system. I managed to go a bit this morning but I can feel a fire in my gut still so I know they are not done quite yet. Thus far today I am drinking coffee and feeling like a fat fuck. I have a modeling gig in Austin in a few weeks and they want the slim girl in my photos not a fat ugly pain in the ass that I am currently. I am ready to have a panic attack now; so I am liquid fasting until further notice. How am I going to impress these people? They work with supermodels not just fat girls who used to take pretty pictures.

I don’t even know if I could still do this. It has been so long since I did a photo shoot. I’m freaking out.

Hopefully I can lose at least 14 pounds before the shoot. I can only pray it will work out at this point, I am sure I can still make a photo look okay but the question is can I make it look good enough to sell? I really don’t know the answer to that.

Stay strong loves,

Miss Sinister

I binged, I purged, and I fucking weighed in.

160.5. I know It's night time. I know I weigh more because of the weight of the food, I really can not be made to care, I am inches from a full blown meltdown. I loath my entire being. Please someone kill me. I want to fucking die.

As the title says: I binged and then threw up some of it. I know the cycle well so I am breaking it as fast as I can. I bought juice at the store, 5 calorie juice to be exact. I am taking laxatives right now and starting a juice, water, and tea fast for at least 48 hours starting right now. I refuse to let this kill me. I will not allow this to happen. I am stronger than this, I am the one in control.

I would like to say now that I love every single one of my readers. I know most of you will not comment but I get your emails and your texts and the few of you who do comment; well I want you to know I read them all. You all make me really happy. You make me feel like I can be in control of myself; it’s because of you that it’s possible for me. So thank you. I love you all, stay strong when I was not able to. Know that I’m with you and at least when we fail that we have each other to rely on.

Stay sane out there,

Miss Sinister