138.2

Sex is amazing. I missed it so much and I feel so much freaking better. 

Although I sincerely think I am already wearing Hansell out. Twice yesterday, no bullshit I said twice, and I'm going to try to jump him today as well. He makes me feel so pretty, so small and weak yet strong and mighty all at the same time.

We went out drinking last night and I managed to piss him off though. I was talking sex with a guy at a party we were at and I guess he thought I was hitting on him. The truth was I was just trying to find people to talk to because I didn't really know anyone there. 

Sex to me has never been something to hide or that was taboo and scary so for me it's natural to talk about it. I guess for most people it isn't. 

That's all for now I will talk to you soon!

Miss Sinister

138.6

I'm down a little more and I screwed up eating breakfast today. I managed to keep my total intake below 1000 calories today but I was being watched so I figured I should eat while they were there. My mom seems to be keeping off my back about food which is great! I told her how uncomfortable her constant watching was making me and I promised to eat more, now all my meals are going to be in front of her or my new buddy. (Both of them like to yell at me when I don't eat enough.)

I just don't understand, I'm not trying to be underweight, I just want to be tiny again.

My new friend, let's call him Hansell, seems to like going out of his way to make me feel small. He makes tons of comments about how tiny and delicate I am. I feel so feminine around him. It's fucking brilliant! He got in my car the other day to drive me home and since I'm so much shorter than him he had to move the seat back hella far, it was so funny. He said: "Damn you and that tiny body of yours!" I just smiled and smiled. He also likes to grab me by my hipbones and tug me around. (OH MY GOD! Talk about feeling sexy!) This guy makes me feel attractive as hell and I have not even slept with him! It's brilliant!

The downside is that Hansell doesn't understand my ED but I have tried to explain it to him. I believe I mentioned our 100% honesty policy between eachother so in accordance to that I have to tell him everything. He doesn't like to badger me about food unless I bring it up, which turns out  is rediculously hard for me not to do! I am just obsessed and everyone knows it. I miss living on my own so much, not having to hide who I am was wonderful.

My mums house has crazy fleas though. I'm getting eaten the dogs are getting eaten it kind of sucks. Hopefully after I bomb the room it will help to kill them all! I hate bugs more than anything. Seriously if I could kill them all without ruining the ecosystem I would!

⊂((・x・))⊃

In other news I have to go get Chinese food with my friend tomorrow and I have no idea what to do. I don't want to cancel, I miss her like crazy, but I don't want to eat deep fried grossness. *SIGH*

So I'm going to quit typing now so I don't write a bloody novel.

Much love!

Miss Sinister

139.8

Still going down! And the evil voice in my brain screams with joy!  I am going to be shooting for 115 pounds, that's not to far from where I currently am and I think It is still a healthy weight for me so that is my goal weight. (It hasn't changed at all but I still find it's good for me to post it.) 

On a TMI note: I am experiancing one of the worst periods ever. Fuck me for trying to get better! I'm on day 4 of bleeding this is rediculous! I miss my old birth control that made my period light and easy to deal with! I miss being malnourished and not getting one at all. I really can not stand this crap at all. I'm beyond not used to it! 

The really shitty thing is I can't get laid until this bitch stops. And I found a guy I really like and that I really want to sleep with... But because of this I can't. 

My life is a cluster fuck of problems. 

I set a doctors appointment for Friday and I'm looking forward to hopefully getting all my prescriptions refilled and hearing about what they recommend on the birth control front. Maybe they will be better than my last doctor? 

Wish me luck!

Miss Sinister

141

I am up 8 ounces from yesterday. All I want to do is swear about it but it is my own damn fault. I ate a normal dinner last night and made my mom happy with me. Maybe she can get off my back about eating now?

In other news I finally got my period back which pisses me off since I know that it means my intake has been to high. I'm trying to cut back slowly and since I am still heading downward I am pretty happy. I'm trying not to let crap get me down!

I need to make this short for now but I will post again later if I get the chance!

<3
Miss Sinister

140.2

I ate pie this morning, mostly because I was going to have one bite (I am being serious I only wanted one) and my mom walked in the kitchen and proceeded to watch me eat. Seriously she was inspecting my intake like I was a child. I am mortified.

The reason why is because my guy friend came over for dinner last night and he pointed out every trick in the book I had on avoiding mealtime. :/ the cheeky bastard actually made it so obvious my mom is now watching me like a hawk. 

I forget how hard it is to hide this crap while living with others. I used to be so good at it but living with Matt has made me sloppy. Time to upgrade my stealth. 

No seriously y'all it's some severe bullshit, I'm on mommy lock down.

I tried to explain to him why that isn't okay and he didn't get it. He knows about my ED because I promised him I would be honest with him and I intend on keeping that promise. I do regret telling him though. He has intentions on force feeding me, or at least guilt tripping me into eating. I tried to explain it to him in a way he would get and apparently I'm not very articulate in person because he doesn't get it. Not even kind of. Fuck my freaking life!

On the divorce front my paperwork is filed and in 60 days I am free from everything and probably heading back to California. I'm excited about heading home again but the stupidest things keep reminding me of Matt and they make me depressed.  Last night I went out with my friend and the bar we went to had pool tables and I spent half the night trying not to think about him. I am getting better though. As long as I stay busy I don't really miss him. To be honest though I think I miss the idea of him more than I miss him. It sucks having to explain to customers, my coworkers, my friends, and family... Let's face it pretty much everyone; what happened and why we are not married anymore. 

I feel like a battered woman trying to explain it and I'm growing resentful of the pity and sorrowful looks. I feel bad for feeing better about it. I don't want to tell people that 'yeah I'm okay now, the abusive cycle is over I feel better. No one is calling me ugly or worthless. I'm really and truly okay.' I feel bad for feeling better. What a fucked up brain I have!

On a separate note I'm counting calories in my head and while on my phone a bit but my friend and I have an open phone rule so he might just grab it whenever and open it up and I don't want to have to explain my eating to him again... So I'm trying to just keep it on the down low. As a result of not writing down everything I am paranoid about what I'm eating and how much so while I'm praying my intake is still low I feel like I should be eating less. I'm slowly driving myself mad.

I hope you are all doing well and I'm praying for all the people out there who are strong enough to recover.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

142.6

My marriage is over. I ended it about a week ago and I'm honestly pretty happy about it now. At first I was grieving, heavily but I know now that it wasn't a good relationship to be in. Matt went to jail for class c assault on me. He was drunk and he snapped. He scared the crap out of me. I honestly thought he was going to kill me. He started screaming for me to get out of his house and leave he was trying to hold my dogs hostage. I pushed him to get him away from me, he was so close and screaming at me that our noses were practically touching, he took a step back grounded himself and shoved me hard. Needless to say when my mom showed up he was bilgerant. Screaming obscenities and that he was: "going to get us." I was terrified. My mom told the cops what happened and they took him to jail. 

I was moved out the next day. 

I'm glad it's over. Honestly it was so unhealthy and scary and it caused me nothing but pain. I think towards the end if it I didn't really want to be there anymore. He ruined that relationship with malicious intent. He is and was the problem. Not to say that I don't share part of the blame but he hurt me. The cops took pictures of my bruises kind of hurt me. It was bloody crazy and I'm glad it's done!

I moved in with my mom and I'm back with Ana, she is my support network. The feeling of control is inpowering. I've lost a ton of weight this week and I'm back to running and doing insanity off and on. I feel strong and powerful, that was something Matt took from me. My feeling of strength. 

I'm happy to say I'm getting lots of comments on my weight loss, so I am finally feeling good again. :3 I'm back down to notch 13 on my belt!

For the moment I need Ana to keep me stable. I will start worrying about recovering again once I have fully healed!

Much love!

Miss Sinister

I didn't count any calories today!

I'm both proud of myself and terrified of what I might have consumed; but I do feel powerful. Not a binge but just eating. Like a NORMAL girl. (At least for breakfast) I am also proud to post that I avoided my scale! Although that might be out of guilt, I can't trust my brain at all today. Mirrors however are unavoidable and they make me feel like a whale. I'm trying not to let it get to me.

Tonight I have to do my Fit Test and I'm a little scared (since I have to close at work tonight) that I'm going to get lazy, but I am determined that I'm going to do it no matter what. So hopefully I won't be letting myself down anymore.

Also I am going to ask Matty to bring home dinner from his work so I don't have time to guilt myself into skipping dinner. I ate a huge breakfast and have been unable to convince myself to eat all day, I just don't want to. It's a weird mix for me but I feel so guilty for eating that I'm avoiding food again. I just can't win against this monster that is me. Inner demons are evil little bastards. I'm working so hard to be normal and when I'm counting calories I'm under eating, but when I'm not I'm paranoid I'm over eating. Which who knows if I am or not? It might have just been a binge this morning, I can't know when I'm not counting calories. What is normal, who knows? Why can't I just follow my meal plan like a normal person!? This is hell. Complete and total hell. I used to be so in control and look at me now.

I'm actually a bit over weight for my height right now. Don't ask how I know because I'm sure of it reguardless what people say, but I know a lot of that has to be muscle mass growing from the Insanity workouts so I'm trying not to panic. 

That's right. 

Calm cool collected. 

Do. Not. Panic.

Everything is fine... Just freaking fine.

Recovering for me is mostly about gaining some sense of positivity about my looks. Once I feel I look better I will be able to eat better. I'm sure of it. The people who know about my ED and watched me go through the hell that is EDNOS [i.e. losing 70 pounds by not eating, then binging and purging, then back to starving losing another 20 pounds rapidly, then trying to recover and gaining a lot back, then relapsing...] think I need to focus on food. How I wish my health insurance covered this crap. I need a freaking psychiatrist!

Although to be fair I would probably tell them they didn't know what they were talking about. I am a hot mess.

Stay beautiful,

Miss Sinister

146.2 [And some small commentary on my sex life]

I've lost a little weight and while I am under 1100 calories for the day and I did my Insanity for today. Still I can't seem to bring myself to want to eat anything else. I am at war with myself. Part of me knows I should be eating more; a minimum of 1200 calories, if you believe the Insanity nutrition guide I should be eating closer to 1800 calories. I am gaining a lot of muscle mass and I am happy to be seeing some definition starting in my arms and legs, but it sucks to see my scale moving up.

I keep finding myself fighting with my mirror, on one hand I do not want to see my bones, on the other I would rather see bones than fat. I need to be realistic. I need to stop being so stupid and regain some control on my erratic thoughts. I seem for today at least to have the binging under control. I have not purged since the ice cream incident the other day. I did manage to miss my workout three days in a row [please don't ask it has more to do with me being lazy and giving into my husband's rare request to spend time with me] and it felt twice as hard to do it today.

I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling, I can't quite get my head on straight these days. Matt is still refusing to have sex with me, he keeps saying he: "isn't in the mood". If I am being completely honest with myself I didn't really want to have sex with him today either. I just have always used sex to make myself feel better about everything that is going wrong with my life. If Matt and I are still having sex on a regular basis then maybe just maybe our marriage might be okay. I know it isn't going to make his car start working properly again, I know it isn't going to make him work better hours or even make him want to spend quality time with me. Sex isn't going to fix our problems. I know deep down it isn't going to fix anything. But for a short time I feel pretty again, I can fool myself into believing he loves me again even if he really thinks I'm ugly and fat for a brief moment in our time together I feel whole and happy again. Maybe I can't remember what feeling beautiful actually feels like. Maybe that is why I do this to myself.

It is a ridiculous dream that can't handle being brought out into the daylight hours. It shatters like so much glass as soon as its over because he looks at me with such disgust. Like I am just a dirty toy he no longer finds entertaining. He tells me all the time that he doesn't really feel that way. He tells me he loves me and he finds me pretty but I can tell he is sick of dealing with it. He hates me asking him to tell me I am pretty, he is sick of me bringing up my weight loss or my working out. In the end I think he is just sick of me. He finds me needy, and maybe he is right. It might be wrong to want a kiss goodnight or a hug when I wake up screaming from some horrible nightmare that wont leave me alone. It might be wrong to want to be told I'm pretty without having to bring it up. It might be wrong to ask your husband for sex twice a week, but that is what I need to feel happy, that is what makes me feel better when its dark out and I can't sleep. When I am lonely and I only have my dogs to love me. I guess I am wrong again.

Its a tired song that I am sick of singing but I keep singing all the same. I ask myself why but I can't be bothered to stop. I love him more than I love myself. I don't need to be happy I just want him to be happy, that is all that matters.

I'm sorry for rambling, and for being so depressing, and for being a over all general freaking failure. I am trying to stay positive but I guess I am a pessimist at heart. Who would have guessed that I used to be so positive and happy? Not me.

Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister

God

I begged god to forgive all my sins and to save my marriage.  Now I'm alone and I have a dead beat husband who could care less if I live or die.

 

I'm drunk and I am so sorry for everything. I'm a shit wife. A shit human being. I don't deserve a fucking thing. I should just end it. Fuck getting him to give a shit I don't matter, who cares what I feel.

Truth talks.

I'm exausted. I'm sorry I have not been posting but I figured that I'm using this blog as a cruch and now I'm back. 

I'm at 150 pounds. I missed my deadline. I've been doing insanity and I've been gaining weight like crazy. Eating isn't working, eating healthy isn't working. And it doesn't help that everytime I look in the mirror I can only think fuck I'm a fat pig.

A woman came into my work the other day and she was pretty obviously anorexic/bulimic I was ashamed to talk to her because I am so huge and she was so small. I pulled my sweater sleeves down and hid as much of my body as I could. I'm trying so hard to be healthy and not keep doing this shit to myself, but then I purged the icecream I binged on this morning. I can't win.

I am out of control. I hate this feeling and I want so desperatly for it to stop but I have not ever had a healthy relationship with food. So what would I know about eating healthy. People where I work call me a fitness junkie, because I'm always working out or talking about working out. What they don't know is my unhealthy relationship with food. I wish I could just be anorexic. I wish I could go back to how I was, feeling like this is horrible. 

I can't look in a mirror. I can't listen to people telling me how amazing I look while I am feeling like a tub of lard. I know deep down they say it to be nice not because I actually look okay. My stomach and my thighs are jiggling because they are so freaking huge. My ass and thighs look like cottege cheese. I'm 24 years old  if I don't fix this now I'm never going to get another chance. 

I miss my hipbones. My collarbones. My ribs. I want to get down to 115. The longer I wait to get back down there the longer I have to stay huge. 

I am going to keep doing insanity, I have built a lot of muscle mass up and I'm going to keep drinking protein shakes and if I can manage it eating healthy. I just can't handle looking in the mirror anymore. Feeling monstrous and huge. I hate myself more than ever.