I found that special bullet with my name on it.

It's called life.

Get over it.

The elves are bringing kids drugs,

So Texas is the worst place to buy anything, people tell you that it is worth buying so you do and it is a total fucking bust.

FUCK PEOPLE.

I am a grumpy muffin.

People need to die.

Merry Fucking X-Mas.

Okay so everyone has been hounding me for like ever to make a fucking christmas list so you all know what kinds of crap to buy me. My only concern is that several of you will buy me the exact same thing. I don't want twelve hello kitty watches okay. So maybe you all should like talk and figure this shit out. SO THERE!

Dear wanna-be Santas,

For christmas I really want things like this:

A Hello Kitty Watch, luggage set and laptop case.

Beads to make Kandi
Cookie cutters in every shape and size
The ability to freaking fly, you know that would be boss.
To not be making this fucking list
Zombie related stuff
Stripper pole
Weapons, preferably knives and swords, but axes and maces work well too.
Lingerie
Clothes, either goth/punk/rocker or raver/kandi kid.
Rave toys

Drugs
Sex
Music
Something fun to do on my nights off
And perhaps some puppy toys for Thizzle

If you don't want to buy me something from my list then fuck the fuck off. Have a fun time and I look forward to seeing what I get for christmas. LOVE YOU! :3

-Mayhem

I guess I'm a nobody.

If there are more of you than there are of me that makes you the majority. I feel alone. Like I'm not even supposed to be here anymore. Like I'm not even alive anymore.

If you want to say that we are perfect for each other then mean it. I haven't always been very confident about who I am and what I want so I've just been pretending to be somebody else for a while. I have tried to make you happy but then you turn around and you say that you treat me like a goddess and that I don't do anything for you.

I thought we were in this together. I guess I was wrong.

So I don't treat you right and I don't take care of you, or bring you lunch, or call you 24/7. Maybe I'm just not good enough for you. Get over it. If you don't want me then okay goodbye. I don't mind being alone in fact I do that quite often. I am always fucking alone. I'm okay with that. I'm just going to fuck and get drunk and forget you.

-Mayhem

Fuck the world.
Fuck you.
If you want to fight,
lets fight.
I will tear you into
PEICES.


Fuck you.
Fuck this.

Good bye.

Because I will never be
good enough for you.


Ever.

Suicidal Ramblings

So last night one of my best friends in the whole wide world called me normally this would be a good thing. Last night was not a good thing. Well It kind of was but now I'm really confused and hurt and I don't know what to do. Have you ever watched someone that you love dearly be mistreated beaten and broken by someone else that you love dearly? And then seen them do the exact same shit over and over again in a never ending cycle? Well I have and it seems like things just don't change. I'm sad scared and lonely and I have no one to turn to. No one I can talk about this shit with. I have no one. I am alone and this scares the shit out of me. I want to die. I want to kill my self go on a trip and not come back I need some fucking guidance but there is nothing here at all. It is only me and my dog.


I wonder if that's really my sad ass excuse for living. My dog would have no one to love or care for her besides my mom and that is not a healthy household. Uri said she would care for my puppy but Uri can't even take care of her self. And D, is really just lost. So I am alone and pack-less scared and did I mention alone?

Cutting helps relieve the pain.

So in the end what do I have? A dog, a sad lonely puppy that needs me as much as I need her. Around five minutes after getting her I knew that she would be my savior. Who knew she would be the only thing keeping me from suicide. Don't worry. I'm fine. I really mean it this time. Just leave me the fuck alone.

Mayhem

My drug of choice, just happens to be pain.

So I did something I knew I should not have done. And I liked it. That sort of makes me a bad person right?

Two years ago today, a very important person left my life. I never thought I would see the day when time ran out. But it seems like that time is now. Goodbye to you Blue-Jay, I miss you. Today is a day of mourning and I like you feel dead.

I'm between numb and crying, between living and dieing. Who am I without you? Who am I without me? When you died I cried for ages. Now I am dead. I am alone. I miss you.

Blue Mondays

Trigger Warning







What to say to sum up how I've been feeling as of late...

Bored
Over anxious
Scared
Rolling
Wired
Sleepy
Ugly
High as fuck
Suffering
and last but not least really, and I do mean: really fed up.

The good news is that mostly I'm fed up with myself and not my friends and family. I am a broken record. I say to myself I want to be good, I want to not do drugs, then I go out and do the exact opposite. The worst part is that it is not from lack of self control, I simply go out and decide that I do not want to be sober at all and get fucked up to the point of no return.

About a week ago I called Bird from a rave and begged him to come join me. When we finally met up several hours later I was close to the point of alcohol poisoning and strung out on sets. Not to mention I was hallucinating from a random hit of, what I hope was acid (becasue if it wasn't I have no idea what I took), that I got from a complete stranger. Yes I am scared of me too. It's like I go out and take on the form of Ghost, my raver self, and I stop caring about me. Of course I had a lot of fun but I had a wicked hang over the next day and work. Perhaps that wasn't very smart of me.

Dear readers I am here to tell you that your beloved Sinister is gone and that she has died. But she has been reborn as the phantom that haunts your raver lifestyle. I am not telling you this to scare you, please don't worry for me. I am saying this becasue I am to scared to say it in person. That being said; no I do not want your help. Please do me a favor and leave your biased judgments at the door. I know it is not safe. I know I could die or worse go on a trip and not come back but I love it. It is in my soul and when I roll I am one with the world and it is one with me. I need that feeling. I can't get it any other way.

Sure I've had bad trips. Take yesterday I was rolling and for no reason I was scared out of my mind. I was terrified of everything. I curled up in bed and hid with Shukaku. It ruined my entire high I was a vegetable for a whole night. I haven't felt the same since. I still don't know why it happened. But it did, and I suppose that it might be a warning that I'm moving to fast. Although I do believe this to be true I also believe to slow down would kill me. And I do not want to die.

Lastly he loves me. Bird loves me. He said it and he also said that in a few years he would marry me. How amazing is that? Now that is not to say that I am rushing into things. We are not engaged nor going to be anytime soon. It's just the thought that he would marry me. I am the happiest I have ever been ever.

Other than that dear readers I have nothing to say. Perhaps that shall be my greatest form of compassion. Silence.

Miss Sinister <3

Welcome To Backstabbers Anonymous

Fuck you.
Yes you, and the people right behind and next to you. You are a poser, a liar and a cheat. you hurt people because you can and when they are on the ground bleeding you continue to kick them until they can no longer breath. Most people run from you, they hide and they cower. I am ashamed to admit I have been one of them, but I will not be doing that again.

You scream your insults and fight until there is no one left standing but you.

You take something beautiful and you make it wicked.

I hate you.

Arguing With Inanimate Objects

Lately I've been insecure and really unhappy with myself. I can't find clothes that look good on me. I am hungry but when I eat I feel like a fat ass. When I don't eat I feel like I'm anorexic and that scares me. The worst thing of all is that I've started a daily ritual of jumping on a scale and checking to see how much I weigh.

I haven't done this in years.

I feel ugly and fat and gross and poor Bird can barely stand being around me because I keep as he says: putting myself down. I can't seem to lose weight in a healthy manner and I don't want to starve myself. Any tips on how to go from 170 to 140 without killing myself in between?

I came to Texas at 187 pounds. I'm at 170 now. That's okay progress but I still feel and look fat. I don't know what to do. Part of me is scared to keep going and another part of me is scared to quit.

The worst part is that I have friends who are large and beautiful. They have full figures and are well proportioned; all in all I love the way they look and when I try to see myself the way I see them I can't I just see someone ugly. I wish I had a better way to do this because I am holding them and me up to a double standard. You are amazing I am just well... Not.

I can't help but feel like this weight thing is going to dominate my life. I want to lose weight but I want to be healthy about it. I've tried dieting and I always end up starving myself and then binge eating later. This sucks, I miss California and all I want right now is to go home. I don't know why but If I was back in California I don't think this would be a problem. I know I'm not making sense. You don't have to remind me.

Please keep me in your thoughts and if you've got any I would love some advice.

-Miss Sinister

Thanks where it is due.

Sometimes it just has to rain all day, and sometimes you just need to be the person out in the storm without a port or harbor, but sometimes your harbor is standing with you holding you close and keeping you strong. <3

Its raining today which makes me sad. But I suppose it could be worse, people are coming into my life and leaving it with such a ferocity that I am not sure the scattered pieces of my soul will ever heal. There was Blue-Jay first and now Wolf and while they both left a mark on me, their passing is what hurts me the most, it's on days like today when the rain is pouring down and being wicked and the wind is beating me hard that I know: there are some people I wish were with me, and some people I am glad are gone.

I think it is high time that I gave these people their dues.

Princess, (also known as Mouse) a fellow blogger and a dear friend to me has been my port in this storm, she is one of the most amazing people I have ever known and more than that she is not just my friend but my family. She is my sister and is always there to push me to higher goals, keep me on track and to occasionally party like crazy people. We can wear bright colors dance to techno and at the same time know that if the other ever needed anything we would be there in a heart beat. Our relationship means more to me than you will ever know and I value you as my friend sister and confidant. You are my family and I miss you more than words can say, hopefully we can be back together soon.

Dwyn, (to be known on this blog as Badger from this moment on) is again a fellow blogger and an invaluable friend, she is more family to me than my own flesh and blood. There has been many a time I have called her crying, broken down, needing a place to sleep and she has always been there for me when ever I needed her. She is also one of the most talented photographers and writers of our generation, really just try to read some of her stuff it will blow your mind! Dywn you are the most beautiful and talented person I have ever known and you are my sister more than any member of my blood family.

Thank you both so much for everything you have done for me these past few months. I know that we will still be best friends until the end of time and no matter the distance know that I will always love you and value you as the gemstones you really are.

I love you.
Aleta

The gods will have their vengeance for mere mortals who have sinned.

Am I to be like a bird in the night sky?
Am I to learn to fly with broken wings?
Or I am so broken so battered so used?
My wings will never take me back to my sky

I am covered in blood and dust so completely
That my image of myself has been drained
I am nothing but a broken beat down corpse
Violated and dirty in my own remorse

I am colored so deep in my guilty response
That I am ashamed of this hole in my chest
I scrubbed until my skin was raw and bloody
It just cant make me feel clean again

Third Times The Charm.

Some things can't be helped, some people are meant to come into our lives and teach us a lesson. Wolf has finally taught me the lesson he was meant to teach. Trust no one, and never forget that they will use you and leave you with nothing but stained bloody sheets and a hefty fine. This would be the third time someone has touched me against my will. I was too young and stupid to react the first time, but now I am bigger stronger and have the tendencies of a lion in the cage. When I said no he didn't stop and all my strength left me. I became that scared little girl I thought I had left behind.

I will not be doing this again, I can't even sleep. I'm scared and alone and now I'm backed into a corner and left with one option. Run. I'm trying to fight but my mind is shutting down and I can't breath, then I'm falling and screaming in a void that no one can hear me. I want to come home and to stay as far away from home as I can. Home is where I am no one and all that is there is the shell of who I have become.

Fear is shaking my heart and my lungs and turning me into a helpless kitten. Someone save me this is my nightmare, this is my tomb, this is all happening again.

SM