What to say to sum up how I've been feeling as of late...
Bored
Over anxious
Scared
Rolling
Wired
Sleepy
Ugly
High as fuck
Suffering
and last but not least really, and I do mean: really fed up.
The good news is that mostly I'm fed up with myself and not my friends and family. I am a broken record. I say to myself I want to be good, I want to not do drugs, then I go out and do the exact opposite. The worst part is that it is not from lack of self control, I simply go out and decide that I do not want to be sober at all and get fucked up to the point of no return.
About a week ago I called Bird from a rave and begged him to come join me. When we finally met up several hours later I was close to the point of alcohol poisoning and strung out on sets. Not to mention I was hallucinating from a random hit of, what I hope was acid (becasue if it wasn't I have no idea what I took), that I got from a complete stranger. Yes I am scared of me too. It's like I go out and take on the form of Ghost, my raver self, and I stop caring about me. Of course I had a lot of fun but I had a wicked hang over the next day and work. Perhaps that wasn't very smart of me.
Dear readers I am here to tell you that your beloved Sinister is gone and that she has died. But she has been reborn as the phantom that haunts your raver lifestyle. I am not telling you this to scare you, please don't worry for me. I am saying this becasue I am to scared to say it in person. That being said; no I do not want your help. Please do me a favor and leave your biased judgments at the door. I know it is not safe. I know I could die or worse go on a trip and not come back but I love it. It is in my soul and when I roll I am one with the world and it is one with me. I need that feeling. I can't get it any other way.
Sure I've had bad trips. Take yesterday I was rolling and for no reason I was scared out of my mind. I was terrified of everything. I curled up in bed and hid with Shukaku. It ruined my entire high I was a vegetable for a whole night. I haven't felt the same since. I still don't know why it happened. But it did, and I suppose that it might be a warning that I'm moving to fast. Although I do believe this to be true I also believe to slow down would kill me. And I do not want to die.
Lastly he loves me. Bird loves me. He said it and he also said that in a few years he would marry me. How amazing is that? Now that is not to say that I am rushing into things. We are not engaged nor going to be anytime soon. It's just the thought that he would marry me. I am the happiest I have ever been ever.
Other than that dear readers I have nothing to say. Perhaps that shall be my greatest form of compassion. Silence.
Miss Sinister <3
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