WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!

So first thing in the morning I am going to take a hoodia instead of my adderal and see if it can help me boost my metabolism and not be hungry all day. I also need to stop eating out of boredom. Like fucking now. This shit is getting ridiculous. I'm 144 pounds. God forbid I get any fatter or my boyfriend will freaking dump me.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I feel like I have no self control. Like I can't do anything right. Some one please help me. Please get me back to a beautiful person. I want to be 120 pounds. I think I can do it I just need to drink a fucking ton of water.

Then I will be able to wear my swim suit and go out and feel pretty. Until then I will just have to be an ugly short little girl. Who will never be good enough ever.

So fucking there.

Rehab

So I am feeling like I'm useless and fat and ugly and that why would anyone want me.

Then I want to go eat to feel better.

But then I get fatter.

WTF is wrong with me.

I fucking can't do anything right
I don't know what is wrong with me.

I want to cry.

Please god help me live my life like I'm not a terrible person. I want to be all those good things they said I was.

I need rehab from life.

I'm going to go do drugs. then when I feel better I am going to clean my whole house and be happy that shit is getting done. :] I may be ugly but I have some will power I can be beautiful it just takes time.

I will be better.
I just need to do it.
Self control is key.

Wish I Knew

I wish I knew what to do

To make you look at me like I want you too

I wish I knew what you think

When you go out all night to fucking drink

I wish I knew how to say

That I'm tired of living through the day

I wish I knew the pain inside

Would go away like tears I've cried

I wish I knew how to be pretty

Like all the girls in this city

But I'm not them

And there not me

So I guess I'm ugly

As can be

Fuck my mother fucking life.

So I can't stand myself.

My boyfriend looks at me like I'm ugly and he doesn't even get it.

I feel ugly.

I feel fat.

Help.

[IMG]http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg264/addison2341/anorexia.gif[/IMG]

I don't think I have an eating disorder. [but I would like to be 125 pounds.]

I wish I was prettier, I wish I was perfect, I wish I knew what the fuck was going on inside my head and my heart these days.

I find myself in a rather difficult predicament. In more than one way my heart and my head are pulling in two different directions.

I think I might still be hung up on my ex-boyfriend. That's right me the infallible sex god might have actually gotten hurt in a break up. The worst part is I'm in love with Matt, my current boyfriend and while he and I fight he wants to mate me get matching tattoos and be together forever. I want nothing more than that but I can't help the pain I feel when he tells me he loves me and my brain screams: “No no he is lying run for your life!” I guess my EX fucked me up more than I thought he did.

I want to run up to Matt hug him and beg him to never let me go but I can't without him thinking I'm clingy or crazy or obsessed with commitment. Which is the complete opposite of what I am. I don't want to marry him and have all his babies with a big white house and god knows what the fuck else. I just want him like he is right now, I want this forever. He makes me happy and he makes me smile and laugh. It's been forever since I could do that and not let it feel forced. He makes my day better just by being there when I wake up in the morning. He is literally the world to me and he doesn't even know it.

I want him to love me like I love him, I am terrified that he is going to leave me and I guess that's why I always run out first. I don't want to be left so I leave. It makes perfect sense but it is murdering logic as the sane world understands it. How do I tell him that without him running out on me, how to I explain that there is no one who wants me around for me anymore? How do I tell him that all the people I care about are either miles and miles away or six foot underground? How do I tell him that I feel alone when he is right outside the door from me? How do I tell him that I need to be held at night to feel safe enough to sleep? That I want him to hold my hand when we go somewhere so I feel him there next to me? How do I tell him that I need that contact to feel like I'm not alone? That I need him to kiss me in public and hug me when I walk though the door? I need those things to feel like he isn't ignoring me, or getting ready to leave. I need them to feel safe. How do I do this without seeming crazy or off my rocker? WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

It also dosn't help that I gained some weight back and I feel like a fat ass. I did well today I only ate 1245 calories which is 45 above my maximum I'm allowed but I ate total shit all day. I will be trying to do better in the next few months I want to get down to 125 pounds which is only 15 pounds away. I can do it! I just hope I look okay when I get there I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I want to look in the mirror and feel sexy for once.

Anyhow I am going to go beg my boy to cuddle me for a few hours so I can fall asleep and hopefully not have nightmares. I don't want to dream tonight, I want to just sleep and stay that way until I am done. To bad I have work in the morning, I would love to just fucking sleep in.

I'm fucking huge.

I weigh 140 pounds. And I have been having a shit time getting it back off.  I might fucking kill something.  I don't know what to do.

This shit is on my last nerve, I want to sleep but I can't. I want to breath but I can't. And now I sit at home trying not to get high. Trying to convince myself that I can do this in a healthy positive way. Wanting to starve myself to be pretty.

There are a few words that I heard that currently are helping me get by:

"There is no food that tastes as good as skinny feels."

I want to punch myself in the face. I am literally fighting a war with a mirror and scale. I fight this war every single morning.

Help.

S.M.