I don't think I have an eating disorder. [but I would like to be 125 pounds.]

I wish I was prettier, I wish I was perfect, I wish I knew what the fuck was going on inside my head and my heart these days.

I find myself in a rather difficult predicament. In more than one way my heart and my head are pulling in two different directions.

I think I might still be hung up on my ex-boyfriend. That's right me the infallible sex god might have actually gotten hurt in a break up. The worst part is I'm in love with Matt, my current boyfriend and while he and I fight he wants to mate me get matching tattoos and be together forever. I want nothing more than that but I can't help the pain I feel when he tells me he loves me and my brain screams: “No no he is lying run for your life!” I guess my EX fucked me up more than I thought he did.

I want to run up to Matt hug him and beg him to never let me go but I can't without him thinking I'm clingy or crazy or obsessed with commitment. Which is the complete opposite of what I am. I don't want to marry him and have all his babies with a big white house and god knows what the fuck else. I just want him like he is right now, I want this forever. He makes me happy and he makes me smile and laugh. It's been forever since I could do that and not let it feel forced. He makes my day better just by being there when I wake up in the morning. He is literally the world to me and he doesn't even know it.

I want him to love me like I love him, I am terrified that he is going to leave me and I guess that's why I always run out first. I don't want to be left so I leave. It makes perfect sense but it is murdering logic as the sane world understands it. How do I tell him that without him running out on me, how to I explain that there is no one who wants me around for me anymore? How do I tell him that all the people I care about are either miles and miles away or six foot underground? How do I tell him that I feel alone when he is right outside the door from me? How do I tell him that I need to be held at night to feel safe enough to sleep? That I want him to hold my hand when we go somewhere so I feel him there next to me? How do I tell him that I need that contact to feel like I'm not alone? That I need him to kiss me in public and hug me when I walk though the door? I need those things to feel like he isn't ignoring me, or getting ready to leave. I need them to feel safe. How do I do this without seeming crazy or off my rocker? WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

It also dosn't help that I gained some weight back and I feel like a fat ass. I did well today I only ate 1245 calories which is 45 above my maximum I'm allowed but I ate total shit all day. I will be trying to do better in the next few months I want to get down to 125 pounds which is only 15 pounds away. I can do it! I just hope I look okay when I get there I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I want to look in the mirror and feel sexy for once.

Anyhow I am going to go beg my boy to cuddle me for a few hours so I can fall asleep and hopefully not have nightmares. I don't want to dream tonight, I want to just sleep and stay that way until I am done. To bad I have work in the morning, I would love to just fucking sleep in.