I was happy when he said he wanted to go out but I asked if we could go early so I could stick to my diet plan which he refused for no good fucking reason besides being a lazy shit. However I still stuck it out and even ordered food and we were talking and having a good time I was trying to fight off the bad feeling of him saying this was our date night when we made a commitment to do it on tuesday. So why did he go and ruin a good night by starting fights? We could have just talked like adults but he went and stone-walled me, which is something he promised he would stop doing.
All through dinner it was snippy comments about how I should 'start eating no I mean really eating', when I already was, his side comments really just put me off my meal even further. I have nothing nice to say about dinner, it started well but then he took it to total shit because he hates that I don't eat like a pig anymore.
I wish I knew why he was like this but I don't understand it because he is the one who likes the skinny girls and would rather watch porn featuring them than fuck. He is the one who ate two full bread loaves while we waited for our food and still managed to eat his entire plate. He is the one who called me names and made me feel insecure. How is me taking back a tiny measure of self control and happiness into my life a bad thing? Shouldn't that be what he wants?
When I was thin he used to make me feel beautiful all the time, he would complement me and take me out with his friends to show me off. Now he makes me hate my body to the point where I can't enjoy sex because I know I am naked and he can see me. I hate being naked in front of anyone, I don't even like my mirror anymore and it is all because of him. I used to love myself and I am working so hard to get back to that but this is severe bullshit.
When we do have sex he gets tired and out of breath in 15 fucking minutes. I can run for an hour on a treadmill, but he can't even get his shit together long enough to get me off without my help. I remember when we started dating it was an hour and it was awesome. Hell I would settle for 30 minutes at this point, and that is including some manner of foreplay! [Which I get absolutely none of.] God forbid if I bring it up though, that is not okay at all because then he doesn't want to fuck at all because I have hurt his pride. I live my life walking on eggshells because I don't want to hurt his pride but the one fucking thing I am proud of he wants me to stop doing? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT FAIR?
It is not fair and I am not going to stop being who I am and getting back to loving myself on his behalf. I could not care less about his feelings when I am trying so hard to make this work. I needed to make myself the priority in my life and if he doesn't like it then he should leave. I still do all the chores, I still cook clean give him back rubs and tell him how much he matters and the only thing I am doing for me is embracing Ana. I was anorexic when we met and he never gave a fuck. Now all of a sudden it is a problem? Honestly I think he is just angry I am happy again, that once I am skinny again other people will want me and he will be unable to offer me anything but a broken sad marriage and divorce papers. I love him I want things to work out between us but I deserve to be selfish for a change. I have spent way to much time trying to make him happy and sacrificing my own wants and needs. Fuck that. It is my time to be happy. GET OVER IT ALREADY!
Anyhow I can only hope after everything I ate tonight I will not have gained any weight by tomorrow morning, I know it is to much to hope that I still might have lost some but keep your fingers crossed for me.
It is with a heavy heart I now am heading to bed and am hopefully off to a thinner tomorrow.
Stay beautiful,
Miss Sinister
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