I'm back up to 148.5

Hopefully after my healthy eating and exercise I can be back to 148 by tomorrow morning. I've been binging like crazy these past few days so I am not surprised I've gained weight.

My birth control is also jerking me around like crazy and it feels like I've been on my period for like 3 days when I shouldn't be. TMI I know. 

Off to a thinner tomorrow! <3

Miss Sinister 

158

I don't mind slow progress because even slow progress is still progress. As long as you are moving forward you should be very happy! :D

Thinking thin,

Miss Sinister

Date night just got canceled.

Hubby is sick I guess. :/ Hopefully we can do it tomorrow instead. I guess I could just hit the gym instead but I'm really disappointed. I was actually looking forward to having sex again but now I know that won't happen. Looks like another long dry spell for me. :/

SM

148.5

My scale is moving down again! I hit the gym last night and ran into an old friend who was hellbent on kicking my ass. [As in the good workout harder kind of way.] I also banished a craving and skipped dinner last night so I feel wonderful!

Some bad news is that I just found out the price of my medication went up again so I am a little worried that I will have to quit taking it. :/ I take it for my ADHD but it's side effects speed up my metabolism and reduce my hunger throughout the day so I can resist the urge to snack while I am at work. And the cheaper version of it does not work for me at all. 

The good news is I lowered the phone bill by 100$ so I should be able to save some money there to compensate. I was just looking forward to paying off my credit card bills a little quicker. (Insert dramatic sigh here.) I guess I could always stop spending money...

Anyhow it's date night so that involves fajitas with the hubby and then hopefully I can convince him to play some active games or something since sitting around is boring as fuck. I mean really it's date night, let's do something fun for a damn change! I can only hope he dosn't bitch about my eating again. This time I will give him a damn piece of my mind! 

Moving on! I am going to break my rules and give you some advice, go to your mirror and look at your body and find something you like about yourself. Even if it's just your make up, find it and be happy with what you look like. You are going to have to make changes, you are going to have to struggle to reach your goals, but don't do it because you hate yourself do it because you love who you are becoming. This morning I threw on a dress and turned to marvel at how much more round my butt has gotten. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go but it's a far cry from the 190 pounds I was sitting at when I started. I am going to try to do this more often. You don't have to love where you are but for god's sake love the progress you've made.

Be thin and beautiful lovelies. <3

Miss Sinister

Skipped the gym last night...

And ate pasta this morning. God I'm on a one way train to hippoville. Fml

Tonight will be better I'm hitting the gym first thing when I get home! :D

149

I was weak yesterday and I skipped the gym to play video games. Still moving down so I'm still happy! I really need to hit the gym tonight for sure so hopefully I can lose another pound in the next few days. :3

On a side note I want this freaking shirt hella bad.

Much love,

Miss Sinister

149.5

I binged and purged last night. And thank god I'm down half a pound.

I even got laid last night. :3 

And oh my god it was amazing. I planned out a romantic evening with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. We played with sex dice and I enjoyed the foreplay way to much. ;) I have not been this happy in a long while.

Go me!

Random questions in my head...

How exactly do I tell my husband that he has gotten so fat it's not attractive anymore? How do I tell him he has no stamina and I'm bored of our no foreplay 15 minute sex that I only get once a week at most? How do I tell the sweet loving man that is doing so much to fix our broken relationship that I need so much more than he is giving me?

I don't know how to tell him. I asked him to quit smoking and I've asked him to come workout but he won't. He dosn't care about my wants or needs in the bed room and he is so exausted trying to have sex that he would rather jack off than fuck. I tried being nice about it and nagging him won't make it better. He refuses to even help out around the house like he said he would. And god forbid I ask him to do anything without him copping an attitude.

He changes his mind about everything and that includes me and our relationship. It is so hard to remain happy in a relationship that I am getting so little out of.

Admittedly it has gotten better but I can see it backtracking again and it was not supposed to. It is all about remaining focused and working toward a goal but can the man who changes his mind about everything do that?

I dont know the answer, I wish I did.

Much love, 

Miss Sinister

Cheesecake

It's my personal demon, it's to good to put down and to thick to come back up. Maybe that's the real reason I gained back half a pound?

Anyhow I will be hitting the gym tonight and restricting for the whole day as usual. Wish me luck!

Miss sinister

150

I figured that the weight would come back after I rehydrated so I am not to disappointed.

I will be heading to the gym for a walk tonight so I don't hurt my leg more. Being banned from the gym because of injuries is freaking retarded. 

Wish me luck!

Miss Sinister

149.5

Holy fuck don't ask me how that happened! I think I am dehydrated to be honest so I am upping my water intake like crazy!

Anyhow I am positive I hurt my legs, one I smashed into my car's dashboard the other I think pulled a muscle while running. So I will not be running for a while until it clears up some. I'm hurting terribly!

I also takes to Matt about why he dosn't like me dieting and he gave me some hope that he is coming around! I explained that it is making me happy and he fist bumped me! So I have serious faith in the counseling and our relationship working out for the better!

It's going great! 

<3

Miss Sinister

151

I am so beyond excited! 

I ate like a pig last night but I managed to purge and get it all out. 

Tonight is date night though and I will have to eat again and I am hoping that I can convince Matt to go to Bj's since they have an under 500 calorie menu and I can eat half of it and say I am full.

He wants Chinese and I have to change his mind, there are close to 2000 calories in the dishes he will order. 

Ah well I hope you are all staying thin and doing better than me. Do yourselves a favor and don't binge, you don't want to purge, it's not pretty. It is painful for your body and it's not good for you. 

Anyhow I need to get ready for work so much love!

Miss Sinister

I did not gain weight!

Thank god!

I did eat chicken strips for breakfast but I threw up some of it, and I will be hitting the gym tonight. I will be making an excuse to not eat tonight if I can since the crap with the hubby was totally uncalled for last night.

Either way I will write you all again tonight when I have more to say!

Think thin!

Miss Sinister

Let's add this to the list.

So the hubby started an argument over my eating habits. I don't understand why he gets so mad considering the entire reason I started hating myself was him. Did he think calling me thunder thighs was going to make me happy with my self image? He is being an ass and there is no reason for it, having Ana in my life has given me a measure of control again. It is the only thing that I can control. He decides where we go, what we do, I have forced my self to be happy living like a roommate who constantly is cleaning and pretending they are okay when they are not. 

I was happy when he said he wanted to go out but I asked if we could go early so I could stick to my diet plan which he refused for no good fucking reason besides being a lazy shit. However I still stuck it out and even ordered food and we were talking and having a good time I was trying to fight off the bad feeling of him saying this was our date night when we made a commitment to do it on tuesday. So why did he go and ruin a good night by starting fights? We could have just talked like adults but he went and stone-walled me, which is something he promised he would stop doing.

All through dinner it was snippy comments about how I should 'start eating no I mean really eating', when I already was, his side comments really just put me off my meal even further. I have nothing nice to say about dinner, it started well but then he took it to total shit because he hates that I don't eat like a pig anymore.

I wish I knew why he was like this but I don't understand it because he is the one who likes the skinny girls and would rather watch porn featuring them than fuck. He is the one who ate two full bread loaves while we waited for our food and still managed to eat his entire plate. He is the one who called me names and made me feel insecure. How is me taking back a tiny measure of self control and happiness into my life a bad thing? Shouldn't that be what he wants?

When I was thin he used to make me feel beautiful all the time, he would complement me and take me out with his friends to show me off. Now he makes me hate my body to the point where I can't enjoy sex because I know I am naked and he can see me. I hate being naked in front of anyone, I don't even like my mirror anymore and it is all because of him. I used to love myself and I am working so hard to get back to that but this is severe bullshit.

When we do have sex he gets tired and out of breath in 15 fucking minutes. I can run for an hour on a treadmill, but he can't even get his shit together long enough to get me off without my help. I remember when we started dating it was an hour and it was awesome. Hell I would settle for 30 minutes at this point, and that is including some manner of foreplay! [Which I get absolutely none of.] God forbid if I bring it up though, that is not okay at all because then he doesn't want to fuck at all because I have hurt his pride. I live my life walking on eggshells because I don't want to hurt his pride but the one fucking thing I am proud of he wants me to stop doing? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT FAIR?

It is not fair and I am not going to stop being who I am and getting back to loving myself on his behalf. I could not care less about his feelings when I am trying so hard to make this work. I needed to make myself the priority in my life and if he doesn't like it then he should leave. I still do all the chores, I still cook clean give him back rubs and tell him how much he matters and the only thing I am doing for me is embracing Ana. I was anorexic when we met and he never gave a fuck. Now all of a sudden it is a problem? Honestly I think he is just angry I am happy again, that once I am skinny again other people will want me and he will be unable to offer me anything but a broken sad marriage and divorce papers. I love him I want things to work out between us but I deserve to be selfish for a change. I have spent way to much time trying to make him happy and sacrificing my own wants and needs. Fuck that. It is my time to be happy. GET OVER IT ALREADY!

Anyhow I can only hope after everything I ate tonight I will not have gained any weight by tomorrow morning, I know it is to much to hope that I still might have lost some but keep your fingers crossed for me. 

It is with a heavy heart I now am heading to bed and am hopefully off to a thinner tomorrow.

Stay beautiful,

Miss Sinister

152.5

Slow progress is progress! :D

Matt will be home for the next three days so hopefully I can skip eating and go to the gym tonight and he won't be to angry. :D

It's going to be a beautiful day so stay strong!

Thinking thin,

Miss Sinister

Better Tomorrow

So I went to the gym and walked/ran 4.5 miles and burned off roughly 450 calories so that pulls my net down to 685 for the day, which is not great but it is better than the 1200 calories I ate when Matt tempted me with his breakfast!

I really need to start cooking him less because when he dose not eat it all I feel guilty wasting the food. so I end up chowing down like a huge pig. I honestly would have thrown it up if I had not taken my medication already but vomiting that up would have been a huge waste.

IT'S FREAKING 57$ A BOTTLE!

I know it is stupid to do but I weighed myself after my run and I was down to 152.5lbs so I am hoping that is a start to an excellent weight loss week of glory! It would be so great to be losing around a pound every day! Not entirely feasible for long but I have lost all the water weight I can so now it's time to kick this fat's ass and get it off of mine!

I also bought new knitting needles since one of mine went AWOL and I am going to start a new hat for my friend's baby. SO EXCITED!

Think thin my lovelies!

Miss Sinister

Eating like shit already today!

I'm both mad at myself and pissy from it being that time of the month. I will be going to the gym tonight so hopefully I can burn it all off.

Sometimes I hate my lack of control!

Check out my calorie count for today!

It is beautiful! I'm netting in the negative! I feel fucking brilliant!

:D

Of course I still have to eat dinner so I will be netting around 200 for the day but I'm still thrilled!

Think thin my lovelies!

Miss Sinister

Happy happy happy

I am lounging around my house bored out of my mind and I still am not hungry. :) it's going to be a good day! :D

On a different note I noticed I usually only write about how bad things are in my marriage but honestly things are going super well! I mean I love him and we are both trying to get better and it's working.

REALLY fucking working. It's wonderful what a little communication and trust can do to fix a relationship. I have truly never felt better about either of us. He is my world and I adore him. :3 

Anyhow I just figured I should spread some love before I hit the gym and run my ass off. Hopefully literally!

Much love my lovelies! 

Miss Sinister

153.5

Don't ask me how after my shameful night last night but I've lost some weight!

Unfortunately  my throat is sore from vomiting... (Twice) And while I woke up at 6 am I stayed in bed until 7 with my legs, specifically one knee, having horrible cramps that will not stop hurting. Fml this shit is rediculous! 

The house needs cleaning and I am praying I have time to get it all done today so I can have a fun day tomorrow. :D 

Think thin lovies! 

Miss Sinister

Marriage is good again!

The hunky hubby has turned everything around and is being amazing. I love him more than anything. <3

He is my rock and I wish I could be better for him. Soon I will be perfect for him and for me. <3

Binge and purge, binge and purge

I feel filthy. So much for staying strong. I binged. On jambalaya asparagus and twizzlers. I got a lot of it out but who knows how much is left?

That's my main problem with Mia. You can never be sure how much is really out.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Nothing will ever be worth being fat. Matt didn't even want to have sex since I'm so fat and ugly. He couldn't even get off and he has told me before that it is because something is wrong with me. I am a terrible wife.

Fuck everything but being skinny. Nothing is allowed to distract me from my goal. 

I fucking hate myself.

Ana keep me strong.

Tonight I am praying to get laid and hopefully have a great night with my husband. 

I am also hoping to avoid eating and honestly drinking booze too. 

Think thin. Get beautiful.

I'm almost there!

155.5

Down half a pound and tonight is date night so I need to watch my intake both today and tonight really strictly. Matt will expect me to eat and drink today. So since he notices when I push my food around I will have to be extra sneaky tonight! 

I did eat this morning, a 200 calorie meal so I would not be tempted like I was yesterday. I feel like it will all work out well. Worst case senerio I can just vomit afterwords. :3

Being married has sucked

And I worry it won't get better. I have tried to make it work and it's overwhelming. Hopefully this time things can make a permanent turn around.

I'm making a list of a the things I want to change and I have asked him to as well.

If things can't make lasting changes then we will be getting a divorce. There is no point in a marriage that leads to unhappiness.

I did not weigh myself today since I binged last night but I will be hitting the gym later tonight. :3

159

Back up again but getting back into training like a beast. Finally I have a health but buddy who is going to force me on track. She is bulimic and while I have bulimic tendencies I'm not into ruining my teeth. Lol

Finally fitspo!

Fitspo!