...

Help.

I'm so confused and angry.

I don't get men not even kind of. I need a freaking manual on how to have a relationship with a jackass.

I'm so over it.

Someone help me.

You love me you hate me. I don't get it how you can look me in the face and tell me you love me and then you yell that you want to end our relationship.

We don't have a relationship anymore we have you screaming and me crying. I love how much you claim to care before you leave me for dead. I love that I can't have a kiss goodnight or a hug goodbye.

I could die and you wouldn't care.

My heart can't take this. And I mean literally it can't. I'm dying literally in the never getting back up kind of way.

But you really don't care do you.

I suppose you never did.

Fuck.

I just want to feel pretty.
Why is that so hard?
Help?

Again I find I have nothing nice to say.

I'm down to 147.5 pounds. Still fighting with my mirror every morning.

My boss did just tell me that I need to improve my attitude at work. Apparently showing up and doing my job isn't good enough. Now I have to smile 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Fuck my life these days.

Diet pills?

So after looking for the hoodia pills I used to take I can't seem to find them, now I'm worried they got canceled. What pills are out there that boost metabolism and help control appetite? Which ones actually freaking work?

I don't want an energy booster because I don't want to fuck over my medication and too much caffeine screws me by the end of the day. I'm not wanting my heart to beat out of my chest.

Fuck my life!

I Feel. [Stupid Fucking Feelings]

Ever have a day when you just wanted to stab people. This would be that day, the only trouble is I would like to stab myself.

I'm all the way back up to 149 pounds, how have I gotten so big? Why hasn't anyone said anything to me? Matt has let me eat whatever for so long how to I go back to being healthy? I have a gym at my house why not use it?

What is wrong with me?

And here I sit, clinging to you like a child on christmas. We really are over; arn't we.

I found his notebook today, with some stupid letter about growing old together and it made me feel sick. Who am I kidding? I still feel sick. It's bad enough I have to see him everyday, now I have to feel like a fuck up because I'm the reason things ended so badly.

I get it. I am a bad person. WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?

I could be happy if it weren't for you! If I didn't have to see you all the time I wouldn't have to think about you all the time. I could think of my boyfriend who at times treats me like shit but he has always treated me a million times better than you did.

SO GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE.

Thanks
SM

I'm hoping one day I'll find buried treasure while I'm out digging graves

Fairy tales are supposed to teach moral values: Prince saves Princess, Good concurs Evil, Kissing toads yields trapped souls [and is completely hygienic].

I don't believe in fairy tales any more, at least not how they are believed to be. Jasmine ran away from home and fucked a poor boy to defy her father. Aladdin lied to marry a rich girl. Belle fell in love with a werewolf. Cinderella snuck out in the middle of the night to meet a boy and kiss him. Ariel ran away form home sold her body to be with a man who left her for someone with a prettier voice. Rapunzel let a strange man into her home and married him.

These stories just are not the same anymore. They don't show real love, not what it's really like. Love is about fighting and making up. It's about trusting in the other person with all of your soul. It's about believing that this is the one person you could grow old with. It's about talking, truly hearing what that person has to say and wanting to understand them. I wonder if there is any real love still out there?

Most people just marry for money or sex, sometimes both. I think it's sick.

On a side note I'm fucking discussing, I'm all the way back up to 158.5 pounds. I feel freaking huge. I have felt like shit lately and I've been using food to make myself feel better. Now I'm getting fat again. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Miss Sinister

Ah, what a humorous tragedy!

Save me please
I can't take the pain
I want to be happy
I want to be sane

With blood on my hands
And guilt in my heart
I can't help but feel
This is only the start

If you know what did
and you still follow though
Then perhaps finally we
Are better than you

We turn and we fight, we mix and we match; we love and we sin

Gods

If gods are supposed to love us

Why force us to be good?

And if we refuse to learn

Are we just misunderstood?

Your Drugs

Anymore of this drug

And I'll fall down dead

Your busy kicking my heart

Your stuck in my head

Heart O' Mine

This damn heart of mine

Can't quit drinking away my time

Please don't leave me on my own

You know I can't handle being alone

There is no such thing as a free ride; only the choice to pay now, or later.

There isn't much demand for blurry photographs
Or scrambled videos
Fuck
There isn't much demand for me these days
But these things
That video of us
That photo of you
Makes me smile

Please understand
For whatever reason you did what you did
You still did it
And that's why you are gone

I've never been good at being alone
I've tried to stay sober
I've tried to be kind
but I'm not over it
I will never be over it.

Was it suicide?
Did you do this to me on purpose?
I miss you everyday
Every goddamn day
And you still left me
maybe I'm being selfish
Poor you...
Was life to hard?
You had me
WASNT I ENOUGH?

[Boyfriend]

I feel like I'm entering a new chapter in my life where things don't really make sense but they don't have to because for the most part I'm happy. 

I think it's my boyfriend.

Smile its morning and things are finally looking up.

Love?

Is love real?
Does it truly exist?

Love to me has always been
Blood on your knuckles
Cuts on my wrists

But what is this now
This new thing
I don't know

Where did you come from?
Where did you go?

You don't bring me flowers
We don't kiss in the rain
Yet I love you

You refuse to hit me
You tell me I'm pretty
You love me

Who are you?
Why are you like this?

You tell me mean things
And are quick to say sorry
But you don't mean it

Reminds me of a poem
A girl who dies thinking
He loves me I'm not alone

Random Terrible Poetry

Keys

If self control is the key
then I'm locked out
there is nothing but doors
that wont open

Mirror Mirror

I find myself sad
but there are people around
which is scary
and hard to imagine

The mirror lays broken
where if fell to the floor
pieces all scattered
with no home to return to

I tried to pick them up
and glue them back together
but they cut me
and left me broken

I know I've been missing for a while so here is an update!

So I finally moved thank god to a really nice apartment with my boyfriend who I now realise I've been attacking a lot lately with very little reason attached to why I'm doing it. I guess I just get mad and then lash out at him. Not that that makes it okay but at least I know why I'm doing it right? He does things that really piss me off sometimes but I really have to learn to let things go, I think I'm just seriously emotional and stressed and it dosn't help when he breaks promises and scares me to death by leaveing and not coming home all night. [Which he did a few weeks ago!] Although to be fair I sort of walk out on him all the time, he has been saying that I;m looking for an excuse to leave him but I'm not. I just want his attention and his love and when he is being a dick its the only way to get him to shut up and listen to me. Does that make me a horrible person? I feel like it does.

He can be a wonderful guy sometimes and a total prick at others so it's really hard to gauge him. he always has me walking on egg shells to avoid pissing him off but recently he brought it to my attention that I've got him doing the exact same thing. I wonder if we could go back to how things were when we started this relationship, nonstop sex and happy days. It seemed so easy back then. I wonder how it got hard. Why do people fight after the honeymoon stage? It dosn't really make sense to me, wouldn't you just enjoy eachothers company and stay happy? What makes it change? Why do we change our minds? How do we go back? I suppose we can't go backwards, but if thats true then shouldn't we at least try to go towards being happy rather than attacking eachother non stop for our own personal glory. I think we litterally have arguments sometimes that the only purpose for is for the victor to say "I'm right your wrong!" It's incredibly stupid.

On a side note our apartment is beautiful and at some point I will post up pictures not that anyone ever reads this.

I have managed to get back up to 148 pounds and I feel huge. I could kick myself for this but I wont. I am going to lose the weight as soon as I start eating better. Which should be soon. I really need to get control of myself again. I used to have so much power and now I feel like I'm a fat ugly slob who cant even put down the Ice Cream and go run on a treadmill. I will get control of myself, I can do this. I am strong. I know what I am capable of I have done this before and I can do it again. HAVE FAITH THIS WILL ALL WORK OUT!

In the mean time I should mention Nemo my newest puppy, she is freaking adorable and she makes both Thizzles and Rexi VERY jealous, She is adorable though and she loves to play, in fact it kinda hard to get her to cuddle because she is so playful! I love it though, she reminds me of Thizzles when she was a puppy. Although Thiz is pretty much the only one who can keep up with her!

Well I suppose that I should try to sleep soon so I will make this the end and quit my endless rambling.

Here's to new beginnings and hopefully new friends,

SM

There are bugs in my house

I swear to god I hate this apartment. I want to move like yesterday. This sucks mad balls.

Not to mention I am at a huge 143 pounds like the giant fat ass I am. I need to lose at least 20 pounds. I feel disgusting I mean just genuinely terrible. I want to be pretty again.

I did finally buy Boo his birthday gifts though I hope he likes them. :]

SM

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!

So first thing in the morning I am going to take a hoodia instead of my adderal and see if it can help me boost my metabolism and not be hungry all day. I also need to stop eating out of boredom. Like fucking now. This shit is getting ridiculous. I'm 144 pounds. God forbid I get any fatter or my boyfriend will freaking dump me.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I feel like I have no self control. Like I can't do anything right. Some one please help me. Please get me back to a beautiful person. I want to be 120 pounds. I think I can do it I just need to drink a fucking ton of water.

Then I will be able to wear my swim suit and go out and feel pretty. Until then I will just have to be an ugly short little girl. Who will never be good enough ever.

So fucking there.

Rehab

So I am feeling like I'm useless and fat and ugly and that why would anyone want me.

Then I want to go eat to feel better.

But then I get fatter.

WTF is wrong with me.

I fucking can't do anything right
I don't know what is wrong with me.

I want to cry.

Please god help me live my life like I'm not a terrible person. I want to be all those good things they said I was.

I need rehab from life.

I'm going to go do drugs. then when I feel better I am going to clean my whole house and be happy that shit is getting done. :] I may be ugly but I have some will power I can be beautiful it just takes time.

I will be better.
I just need to do it.
Self control is key.

Wish I Knew

I wish I knew what to do

To make you look at me like I want you too

I wish I knew what you think

When you go out all night to fucking drink

I wish I knew how to say

That I'm tired of living through the day

I wish I knew the pain inside

Would go away like tears I've cried

I wish I knew how to be pretty

Like all the girls in this city

But I'm not them

And there not me

So I guess I'm ugly

As can be

Fuck my mother fucking life.

So I can't stand myself.

My boyfriend looks at me like I'm ugly and he doesn't even get it.

I feel ugly.

I feel fat.

Help.

[IMG]http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg264/addison2341/anorexia.gif[/IMG]

I don't think I have an eating disorder. [but I would like to be 125 pounds.]

I wish I was prettier, I wish I was perfect, I wish I knew what the fuck was going on inside my head and my heart these days.

I find myself in a rather difficult predicament. In more than one way my heart and my head are pulling in two different directions.

I think I might still be hung up on my ex-boyfriend. That's right me the infallible sex god might have actually gotten hurt in a break up. The worst part is I'm in love with Matt, my current boyfriend and while he and I fight he wants to mate me get matching tattoos and be together forever. I want nothing more than that but I can't help the pain I feel when he tells me he loves me and my brain screams: “No no he is lying run for your life!” I guess my EX fucked me up more than I thought he did.

I want to run up to Matt hug him and beg him to never let me go but I can't without him thinking I'm clingy or crazy or obsessed with commitment. Which is the complete opposite of what I am. I don't want to marry him and have all his babies with a big white house and god knows what the fuck else. I just want him like he is right now, I want this forever. He makes me happy and he makes me smile and laugh. It's been forever since I could do that and not let it feel forced. He makes my day better just by being there when I wake up in the morning. He is literally the world to me and he doesn't even know it.

I want him to love me like I love him, I am terrified that he is going to leave me and I guess that's why I always run out first. I don't want to be left so I leave. It makes perfect sense but it is murdering logic as the sane world understands it. How do I tell him that without him running out on me, how to I explain that there is no one who wants me around for me anymore? How do I tell him that all the people I care about are either miles and miles away or six foot underground? How do I tell him that I feel alone when he is right outside the door from me? How do I tell him that I need to be held at night to feel safe enough to sleep? That I want him to hold my hand when we go somewhere so I feel him there next to me? How do I tell him that I need that contact to feel like I'm not alone? That I need him to kiss me in public and hug me when I walk though the door? I need those things to feel like he isn't ignoring me, or getting ready to leave. I need them to feel safe. How do I do this without seeming crazy or off my rocker? WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

It also dosn't help that I gained some weight back and I feel like a fat ass. I did well today I only ate 1245 calories which is 45 above my maximum I'm allowed but I ate total shit all day. I will be trying to do better in the next few months I want to get down to 125 pounds which is only 15 pounds away. I can do it! I just hope I look okay when I get there I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I want to look in the mirror and feel sexy for once.

Anyhow I am going to go beg my boy to cuddle me for a few hours so I can fall asleep and hopefully not have nightmares. I don't want to dream tonight, I want to just sleep and stay that way until I am done. To bad I have work in the morning, I would love to just fucking sleep in.

I'm fucking huge.

I weigh 140 pounds. And I have been having a shit time getting it back off.  I might fucking kill something.  I don't know what to do.

This shit is on my last nerve, I want to sleep but I can't. I want to breath but I can't. And now I sit at home trying not to get high. Trying to convince myself that I can do this in a healthy positive way. Wanting to starve myself to be pretty.

There are a few words that I heard that currently are helping me get by:

"There is no food that tastes as good as skinny feels."

I want to punch myself in the face. I am literally fighting a war with a mirror and scale. I fight this war every single morning.

Help.

S.M.