So perhaps life has been, more than a little confusing as of lately. And perhaps I stand corrected on more than a few issues. So here is to the meeting of new and old friends.

A new site named for meeting good people.

New banners would be wonderful, as I happen to know some people are awesome banner makers. All genres apply.

>.<

To wishing for night and hoping for rain,

Mayhem

The Game

You are obliged to speak

For them

Talk to them

Be there for them

You must live

For them

Because you can’t possibly live for yourself

I don’t speak

Unless spoken to

I don’t breathe

Unless punched in the gut

I don’t live

Unless there is death

This is perfect

For them, you must stay still

For yourself, you must move on

For them, you live

For you, they die

This is a game

I’m done

I’m so fucking done

This is the ultimate sin.

So here I sit, in the big dark empty house. Well not so much empty as full of nothing. There are people here, Outsiders with laws and big sticks, meant only to injure the ego. At least in the pack we settled things normally. We fought out our differences tooth and nail. Here they insult, guilt trip, leave you with bruises on your heart.

I’m not sure exactly what is happening. I suppose I should have some kind of witty comeback; there is that old expression: plenty of fish in the sea. But I’m not fishing, I’m out of bait and the lines all tangled. I suppose that’s what being in love feels like. I warned him about this; I said we had an expiration date. I knew it would be brief and ultimately painful. What I didn’t know was that it would be worth it.

This has been both the best and worst months of my life. I’m ready, like I’ve prepared myself to be, for the worst. Today when he left he took a piece of me with him, tomorrow, when he leaves for good, I won’t be getting it back.

If you asked me when this started if I thought it was a good idea to get involved I would have said no. I did say no. He convinced that it was worth it. That he was worth it. Love, it has everything to do with love. I didn’t believe in love, not the real, happy, fairytale kind anyhow. I’ve always looked at love like the love between pack mates, families, and friends. I’ve never loved somebody like this. I’ve never cared about somebody enough to really learn to love them. If you knew me before I met him, you know that I didn’t believe in love. That I didn’t even know what love was. Now however that is a different story.

Love no matter how brief, is still the most important thing that has ever happened to me. And no matter what happens in the future, love’s left its imprint on me, it’s changed me and I think it’s for the better.

Go where the wind takes you, learn where there are lessons to be learned, dance wherever you hear music, but above all things find love. Find it, hold it, and keep it close to your chest; but if your love needs you to, let it go. And hope that one day it will mean something more than the pain of parting.

With love,

Mayhem

Just Like A Whore

Sometimes I wonder if you even care

And if you ever read this you’ll only see the anger

Not the hurt

Not the tears I won’t cry

Because that would make you upset

And sure you don’t mean to do it

You don’t even realize

I get it, don’t worry about it

It’s not like I matter

So yeah go ahead

Fuck me and leave

No, it doesn’t bother me

Yes, it does make me feel like a whore

But no we can’t say that word

Because you don’t like it

You won’t talk to me about my life

About those days way back when

When I made mistakes

When I fucked up

When you weren’t around

No, we won’t talk about the days when I was a whore

You’ll just treat me like one

I’m Not Open Anymore

There are footsteps in the hallway
And the lock on the wall is broken
It keeps on ticking
Never forward never normal
It just ticks
Over the eight
Back and forth back and forth
I hate to say but
Time stops here
And the footsteps in the hallway
Are ghosts of Christmas past
Memories of the people we’ve lost
Of those who jealous time has left behind

Blue Jay’s tapping on my window
He wants to know why it’s closed
Because it’s always been open for him before
“I don’t talk to dead people.” I say
He doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
I never say no

There's a tapping on my door
He wants to know why the door is closed
Because it’s always been open to him before
“I don’t talk to dead people.” I say
He doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
I never say no

The front door opens quietly
And then is loudly shut
The clocks still ticking
But for once
It’s normal
Father is home
There’s rattling in the kitchen
And the TV is blaring noise
My window is still closed
My door still tightly shut
The light in the hallway clicks on then off
Silence reins the house
A door opens then closes
And the clock is strange again
Back and forth back and forth

There’s a pain behind my eyes
He wants to know what it’s there for
Because he’s never seen me cry before
"I don't talk to dead people." I say
But he doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
I never say no

There’s a tugging on my heart strings
He says “I’ll always love you munchkin.”
He doesn’t mean to hurt me, he’s just like before
"I don't talk to dead people." I say
But he doesn’t leave he knows me
I never say no to him
But I’m not open anymore

Never Forget [The Meaning]

Gods I miss you
Sometimes my heart can’t handle
You not being here

I can’t think about you
Never smiling
Never talking to be at midnight
Never telling me a lame joke
So I could laugh until I cried
You were my best friend
And I will never forget you

How did this happen?
Were you just that unlucky?
If luck did this to you
I’m fucked

This was an accident
The kind where sirens scream
Where cop cars and ambulances
Prove they are worthless
Where they took you away in a body bag
This was my heart being torn out of my chest
This was you being murdered
By yourself

You called me many names
My favorite being:
Munchkin
It’s been years
And that name still brings tears to my eyes
You were the only one who called me that
No one does now
I think it’s good
Good for me I mean
I could never forget you
But some things still hurt to think about

When you and I fought
It wasn’t through words
Or stupid blackmail
Or through backhanded comments
Meant only to injure the ego
When we fought
We left bruises in the shape of our fists
And in this language
Of purples blacks and greens
You and I formed a friendship
A bond
That has lasted through not only death
But through time itself

When you blew your head off
Through that hole in your arm
I was mad
I was so fucking angry
I waged war on the world
I cut until I saw bone
I banged out loud music
Until my ears hurt as much as I was hurting
On the inside

During the first six months
I never really cried
I guess I started crying
When I called your phone
And your stupid message machine
Picked up
“Hello?” it was your voice
“Naw, just kidding!” it was a lie
“Leave your number” I fell for it, like always
“Goodbye.”

I cried for three days
Then I called it again at 2:45 am
Your mom picked up
And we cried together

You still are my best friend
Even though you left me here
In this hell hole
To, I guess, fend for myself
Even though my wrist still aches
From that time you hit me with
Leonardo
My rusty metal pipe
The one we loved
That one that we carried everywhere
For weeks and weeks on end

I think I will miss you until I die
But you taught me life’s hard lessons
Never believe when they say
They’ll love you
Never admit you’re wrong
Until the proof is undeniable
Never forget what they did to you
And what they will do again

I love you
And we still are best friends
Until the end of time

The boy with the dirty needle, and the girl who mourns him

They died
Perhaps it was not the real
In the ground
Over
Kind of death
But it sure felt that way

He died that way
In the eyes glazed over
Needle in the arm
Never getting back up
Kind of death

They way the rest of them died
Makes his death look like nothing
Like nothing about him really mattered
There is just one problem
He did matter
He still matters
And even if I am the only one
Who will stand at his grave
Speak to his parents
Bring him fresh flowers
Love him
Like he deserves to be loved

I will still be there
To show them
That he matters

The world will not remember
The boy with the dirty needle
Nor will it care
About the girl who still mourns him
But somewhere there are people
Who will read this
And decide to be careful
Not to be a Them
Or a Him
The only difference being
That one of them was someone to mourn

Introduction

Yeah I’m sorry that memory lane has been such a long trip, but not everything on it was bad. I can accept that not everything that glitters is gold, but the stuff here that glitters may not be valuable but it is still beautiful and as such it is worth something to me.

Like goldfish aptly named for their gold like scales these memories are nothing more than common companions tantalized by their own reflections and swallowed eventually by time only to be forgotten and flushed down the toilet by some new young thing still fresh from the womb. They will never know what hit them, or why they were forgotten. They will rot, sitting in darkness waiting for their day to reemerge. Their day to come back out and be remembered.

Like silver string it will hang from a spider web of lies deceit and betrayal waiting for the conscious mind to rest so in dreams it may remind us of its presence. Through dreams it will force us to remember until we wake shaking and screaming, crying out for our own sick predicament, praying to again forget.

For once we’ve forgotten we can go on believing what we want and without our memories to guide us we will repeat the same mistakes of the past over and over again until we ceace to forget and learn from our mistakes. That is why memory lane is long hard horrible and beautiful. That is why we must never forget. That is why this, and others like it, were written. It is why I exist.

I will never forget your lessons.
I will never forget your friendship.
I will never forget you.
Blue Jay, these are for you.

The boy with the dirty needle, and the girl who mourns him
Never Forget [The Meaning]
I’m Not Open Anymore

Humans Are Weak

In the days before builders
Before humans
Before life
There were no cities
No homes held dark and dank in the mists of the tree trunks
There was everything in its simplistic nature
But people came
They believed in something
Fairytales bent on learning good values
On righting wrongs
Where the wicked was punished
And none but the good remained

In the days before grown ups
Before parents
Before life
There were no scraped knees
No untied shoes
Only imaginary days filled with sunshine and life
Nothing was wrong
Princesses were rescued from towers
And frogs when kissed turned into princes
There was no need to cry
No need to worry
Children weren’t snatched out of front yards
And candy from a stranger was on Halloween
It was safe

In the days before logic
Before reason
Before strife
There were no wars
No infighting to grow higher
Only the desire to be one with everything
The creatures relied on themselves
On their instincts
They did not throw stones
Or build glass houses
They did not build
Or destroy needlessly

In the days before people
There was freedom
There was hope
Before people there was everything
Now there is nothing
Nothing left from our wars
Nothing left from our logic
Nothing left
No people
No cities
No hope

Happily Never After

Walking down a golden road
Looking for a prince trapped in a toad
Beggars looters thieves and me
Walking a road that leads to nothing

I got lost when I ran away
I ran from the noise I ran today
I screamed at the world: “who must I be?”
The world screamed silence back at me

There was no answer

My dress was tattered my crown torn gold
And I was no one, centuries old
I joined the gypsies looking for hope
In turn they offered a way to cope

Telling fortunes for a scrap of silver
I met a man who made me shiver
I asked the world: “who could he be?”
The world said nothing back to me

There was no answer

I sold my crown with my heart
All for a man, and a fresh new start
He loved me and he told me so
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, how could I know?

He was perfect made just for me
The gypsy princess lost as could be
I asked the world: “what might this mean?”
The world said nothing back to me.

There was no answer

Another gypsy just like me
Decided to join us, perfect as can be
She really loves us, loves to be free
She’ll never hurt us because she loves me

Then we learned she disapproved
And feeling bad I tried to move
I asked the world: “why me?”
The world said nothing back to me

There was no answer

A lost gypsy princess dare not say a word
For who knew would hurt her if she were heard
I tried to run not making a sound
I fell into a river and nearly drowned

There was no answer

I looked at the world and saw nothing
I wanted help, I wanted everything
I screamed at the world: “who must I be?”
The world screamed silence back at me

For we are no one, born of nothing
Meant for never afters

3:00 AM <-> 4:00 AM

It is currently 3:00 am.

Why in fucks name can’t I sleep? Oh that’s right, my sweet loving caring boyfriend scared the crap out of me before bed. And now I am to scared to go to sleep. Go ahead call me a scaredy cat, I will eat your face and devour your intestines. You sir, can rot in hell.

Allow me to remind all of you of the last time I didn’t sleep.

I cleaned my room until it was shiny! Really shiny. Like until it was glowing an eerie color of cleanliness. Which in case you didn’t know, is an eerie fucking color.

Then I got really high and danced to Bon Jovi for hours upon hours of endless entertainment. Which of course eventually ended, because I am obviously not fucking dancing at the goddamn moment. [I wish I were; that shit would be epic.]

Then I decided to try and light another hit, and burned the fuck out of myself. To this day the scar has never left me. It was that point and time that I decided to face every stoners worst nightmare, I put down the weed, stood up and began playing AFI. While dancing [flailing] and singing [screaming in broken English] I woke my dad up, a good call if I do say so myself, and he was freaking furious. [As any parent should be upon finding their child stoned in a disturbingly and suspiciously clean bedroom playing loud music at three in the fucking morning.] That was when my dad took my music and left. We haven’t spoken of it to this day, and I still can’t find where he hid that CD.

Then I was bored and alone but somehow my mind latched on to the alone bit more than the bored bit. By this point I was damn near delirious and in my tired state I made a mad dash for the only thing that could make it better. My old friend Blue Bird. [Blue for his rather melancholy smile and bird for his horrible habit of being far to chipper in the morning.] Upon calling the only savior to the curse of alone-boredom-ism we hatched a brilliant scheme to free ourselves from our evil captors. We snuck out the window and ran to Snake, there we promptly drowned our sorrows in alcohol.

The last memory of the night was at around 4:30 am. I was drunk and sick as shit, nobody really cared although I can vaguely remember Blue Bird asking if I was all right. I lay down on a green ugly plaid couch and passed out.

It was 6:30 am when I woke up on my front lawn. There was nothing in my pockets but Blue Bird’s phone and a slip of paper with my address on it. At least they made sure I got home okay. Right?

3:31 am.

I have a love hate relationship with memory lane, some of the memories are good ones, and some still give me nightmares. Maybe some kids grew up and found out that they weren’t scared of the dark. Maybe they thought it was just a phase. Me? I can’t leave my window open if it is dark out. I’m still terrified something, or worse someone will come through it. It isn’t a rational fear, if it was then everything, and yes I mean everything would be fucked beyond oblivion and straight on till morning. Do not pass GO and do not collect two hundred dollars. If that were true I think I would be dead. Luckily for myself and every other god [or whichever holy figure you worship] fearing person alive that is not rational and I am just crazy, hell yeah for the crazy train! WHOO HOO!

So perhaps story time continues, this time I think I will tell a funny one. :]

It was five or six in the late afternoon /slash/ early evening one late night in October. Back then everyone was calling me something a lot less cool than Mayhem and a lot more interesting than Emily. [Just in case you don’t know, my name is NOT and NEVER has been Emily. Although I do think it is a very pretty name regardless.] Blue Bird and Snake were long gone from my life, but that story has a rather tragic ending so I think I’ll let it lie. I had replaced them with outsiders, lots and lots of outsiders. These outsiders were Weasel, Rat, MomaBear, and Toad. We had lots of fun and we played lots of games together but one day Bear ate Weasel alive; which inspired Rat to eat Toad and then MomaBear shit itself and wiped it on Rat before it went home. Rat then turned to wipe it on me but I refused to play that game. Now they wont play with me anymore but I think that’s a good thing.

I laugh at this because I was there and looking back on it; this shit was very funny. Of course you don’t know the whole story, and unless you ask me in person you can take this as a sleep deprived rambling of a psychotic mind.

3:52 am.

I am still confused as to how I am awake.

3:53 am.

Holy Fuck God. Someone save me.

3:54 am.

I have decided that this is an evil time. I am scared of my own damn room. I can feel eyes staring at me from my closet. I’m going to curl up with Wolf and Pan. And try to get some sleep.

4:12

I can’t sleep. I am so screwed. Something is going to eat me. Help!

The Light In The Water

There is light shining through the water
Sending reflections upon reflections of rainbows
Shattering like glass
To the surface

The water is falling
Cascading like multicolored raindrops
Little iridescent reminders of sunlight
Glowing like the first day of spring

Each little shard closes around a memory
The first day of school
When your mother beat you
And the rain keeps falling down

There is light shining through the water
Which looks nothing like pearl beads
And everything like the light on your face
In the morning when I first wake up

The water is rising
It’s colors eating and consuming us
Until there is nothing left
But oddly colored piles of dust

The water will keep moving,
It’s lights brilliant and captivating
In it’s wake there will be nothing
But iridescent smears of the people we once were

And little tiny pearls of who we have become

Wolf, this one is for you.

Hello again.
This is Mayhem, I know I haven’t posted in a while but I’m out fighting crime, righting wrongs, and causing the normal and general mayhem that comes with my namesake.

The truth is, I have a fabulous boyfriend whom I love very dearly that’s been taking up all my time. He is seriously damaging to my writing time. :P

Luckily he also is a bit of my muse. Wolf, this one is for you.

Hugs and kisses, kisses and hugs
Rotting like houses, riddled with bugs
Empty like corpses, looking for souls
Living under bridges hunted by trolls

You have my heart like none I’ve known
A fact, I like to I think, I’ve shown
You and I are much too far apart
In all matters except those concerning the heart

Wolf and lion, outsider and pack
Labels and names, that are to hard to track
I suppose who we are, should not be defined
By anything other than our minds

I love you regardless of reason or rhyme
I love you regardless of space or time
Like books whose stories are too dead to be told
Like musty old houses covered in mold

Hug and kisses, kisses and hugs
You and I should be strung out on drugs
Watching the unicorns, fight with their swords
These old fashioned wars screaming: “Down with the horde!”

Mirror Mirror

I’m looking up into your eyes
And only seeing mirrors
Reflecting my hopes and fears
Back at me

If I take off your glasses
Will your eyes just be mirrors?
Or will I finally see you?

Fuck your mirrors
If all I am seeing is myself
You don’t love me
You never have

Ode To The Lack Of A Mother

I grew up way to fast
Forced into taking care of you as if you were a child.
But you weren't a child
And I was
And that wasn't fair

I didn't get a normal childhood
Sometimes I wish I did
But I happen to know better
Than to want what I can't have
Regardless of how pretty it is

When I look back at you and me
When I look back on our situation
I want to see us happy
Not us coping
With something we can never have.