I don't know what I weigh, and to be honest I don't want to.

I am heavy, my fat girl clothes fit. B has been nothing but supportive and I love him for it. However I feel like a fat cow.

Fuck.

I bet I'm over 160. I bet I'm close to 170.

I started taking herbal pills and they kind of work. It's not being hungry that is the problem for me. It's my brain refusing to listen to me, I was told once that you can't lose weight unless you are ready to lose weight. When you are ready you stop making poor decisions.

Maybe I can start making the right ones.

Much love,
Miss Sinister

Little bit of truth for the day.

I am EXHAUSTED!

Applying for jobs is exhausting. I am so tired and I have been eating my feelings. I am amazed that Benny has not broken up with me yet. I SWEAR I WEIGH WAY TO MUCH. I don't even know how much I weigh. This is bloody ridiculous. Save me. SAVE ME NOW.

I miss the calm cool control that comes with not eating. Rather than eating pizza and baking cakes like a goddamn fat ass. I can't get back there, being off of my medications is killing me. I need to start taking my diet pills but I can't until I know that they have nothing illegal in them or even something legal that might look like something bad on a drug test. I don't do drugs, I really actually don't. I just need something to cull the inessential urge to eat everything in sight. What is this really? I hate it.

I literally spend all day going: “You are a fat pig. You are a fat pig. You are a fat pig. OH look PIZZA.”

WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?

I can't even have a proper eating disorder, I have to go on this bullshit binge series

Kill me.

More importantly I need a nap and more importantly I need to get better. This is horrid. I want to love myself again. Why is that so much to ask?

I am not doing this today. Just no.

I am just not equip to handle this shit.

I am taking laxatives, Right now. And I am removing this crap {no pun intended} from my system as soon as it is possible. I can not be 150 pounds. I'm crying. HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? I AM SO ANGRY I AM UNABLE TO EVEN LOOK AT MYSELF. IF I WERE IN MY HOUSE I WOULD BREAK MIRRORS.

It's like what the actual fuck was I thinking. I can't do this to myself over and over again. I constantly tell people don't do this, Don't be like me. Its fucking SATAN in your DAMNED BRAIN EATING YOUR SOUL. But then I can't eat like a normal person. I can't be normal. Fuck I'm not even kind of normal.

So what right do I have telling anyone not to follow me to hell?

Well today is a new day and I'm once more starting to make changes hopefully positive ones that wont lead me on another binge/purge cycle. I hate purging it FUCKING SUCKS.

I'm a mess without my medicine. I'm sorry I'm jumping around so much here. I can't seem to pick a subject to talk about today.

B will be home soon. I'm worried he is going to start reading my blog. I try really hard not to hide things from him. I hate it when he hides things from me. So I guess this is it, he gets my permission. WHOLE NEW BREED OF TERRIFYING.

How the fuck do I explain that eating is a disaster for me. How do I show him everything? You can not explain the hundreds of emotions I feel when I'm trying to decide if I'm worthy of eating a carrot because carrots have way to many calories, but then I make brownies and eat that... Yeah because that makes tons of sense. Fucking moron. That's all I am is a god damned moron. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF HE FUCKING READS THIS SHIT?! I quite honestly am the most codependent person on the planet and he is going to see this and be like:" That bitch is psycho. I should totally bail before she loses it again and starves herself to death."

He is going to leave me. Holy fuck... What the ever loving fuck have I done.

We don't have secrets, We can't have secrets. Secrets kill relationships. I'm killing mine right now in this moment. Right here, right now. I should never have told him about this. This was a HORRID choice. WHY AM I SO IRRATIONAL? Although that explains so much about me it's a little sad.

Well B... If you read this: I'm so sorry I've kept this shit from you, and I love you. More than anything. Please don't hate me.

150.8 Fuck Fuck FUCK

Do you know what having a boyfriend gets you? Fat. It gets you fat. I've dropped 5 pounds in three days and I'm hoping to drop at least a pound a day until I hit 130 again. The trouble is every time I see him we end up eating and I can't say no to food without him worrying like crazy...

FUCK.

So yeah I guess it could be worse. I mean I could have just kept eating constantly until I ballooned up to 190 again. How do I keep ending up here? It's like I'm fine I'm okay... Then I'm eating... Then I'm not eating... Then I'm a whale. Kill me. Kill me please.