OMFUG I HIT 134!!!!

How fucking crazy is it that no matter how much weight I lose I still feel fat.

I think I might become an anorexic.

I am so tired of people in my life decideding that they don't want anything to do with me anymore. So I am going to stop eating so much and go to the gym twice as often until I feel better.

I don't understand how boys say they want to love you forever but then they leave and they want nothing to do with the former object of their affection.

I feel like a fuck toy.

Fuck this place.

-SM

Post Script: Down to 146. :] keep it going yeah?

God I want to punch a baby right now.

Had I not eaten that salad for lunch I would be so much fucking better off. I need to buy celery and spinach ASAP. I am so pissed off.

Did I not mention damn my impulsive behavior?

Back at 149. I could cry just shoot me please.

Damn my impulsive behavior.

I havn't lost any weight today so I am heading back to the gym tonight. Hopefully it all work out or I am going to fucking shoot myself. It's from me eatingore than I should have last night. I made fresh stuffed jalepenos. They were very good but now I feel like a fat ass for eating them. Fuck my life. That and Kelvin spent all our rent money. I don't know what to do.

SM

Just got back from the gym I'm now so fucking tired I could cry. And I'm hungry. But I can't eat. I wish I was still taking the cactus pills but I have at least one more week off off em or I will be in big trouble. I have been tryingto get in contact with a doctor that might help me with my brain problems. I have been having a very hard time concentrating on anything and honestly I do t know what's wrong with me these days. I mean even as a kid I had issues staying focused and I am beginning to wonder if I actually have ADD. I figure a doctor would be able to help me out with that. I have read up on the symptoms of add and I do have alot of them I can't sit still for very long and I always interrupt people and I can't ever focus on what I'm doing. I feel like I'm going to lose my job if I can't pin down something that could help. Vivance or adarol seem like the two medications that work the best but I don't know if it would actually work because I have never tried them before. Wish me luck at the doctors. Hopefully I can get an appointment with him and he can help me figure it all out.

SM

Ps. I am down to 148. Go me!

So boy trouble central. I need to be saved. I'm so worried about everything I'm losing Kelvin and my best friend Russ wants to be with me, but I love both of them. I don't know what to do. But I am down to 148.5 which is good news my progress is slow but realistic so I'm not worried. I need to go to the gym tonight and work out some this is killing me. I need to go work out hella bad. I'm gonna go walk the treadmill for a bit at the gym and then do some basic lifting so I can get stronger before Russ comes down I want to be beautiful like I know I could be. Losing weight is not enough. I need to burn fat and gain some muscle. I'm gonna look hot!

Today will be a good day I am sure of it.

-SM

Update! With some good news! Yay!

149.5 bitches! Only 19.5 pounds to go! I am both estatic and terrified! :) Go me!

Omfug.

151! I can't wait to be at 130! Only 21 pounds to go!

Oh yeah baby!

156.5! Although I do feel slightly anorexic these days I feel like I'm doing something great for myself for once. Fuck everybody else. For once I am putting myself first.

So today I ate under 500 calories total for the whole day. I don't feel like I've done well it's like I should have tried harder or something. I don't know. I will weigh myself in the morning and let you know what's up!

SM

Fuck my life.

185.5. I'm hoping that it's water weight and that it will drop off quick. I'm grumpy as hell. Someone want to go party? Because I do!

I need a pick me up.
SM

Just a bit more to go.

157.5 not bad at all but not good enough. I want to lost at least another 20 pounds or so before winter hits and that's like a month or two away. Hopefully I can finally buy a cute Halloween costume and wear it to the Halloween party I'm gonna throw. :) wish me luck!

So I'm miserable but what else is new. I didn't weigh myself this morning and I don't think I want to after I ate because the whole thing will be fucked up. I don't know what to do about the whole Kelvin issue. He dosnt even act like he cares about me. I feel so alone and he dosnt even want to try and fix our relationship. It's been shit this whole time and I'm scared and alone constantly.

Not to mention that last night I was molested by a total creep who refused to listen to the word no. Kelvin didn't seem to care when I told him. Guess that's how boys are. Fuck them. Although he did leave me alone after I threatened him with a knife. Wonderful how that is isn't it.

The worst part is that my two friends were there treating me like a third wheel and fucking two random dudes in a swimming pool. And since I refused to go skinny dipping I was hassled called names and overall treated like shit. Needless to say I grabbed my shit and started walking home. Kelvin did come get me after I called him and begged him to come save me. He reluctanty agreed and then proceeded to ignore me before he dropped me off at his apartment and left to his dads house for the night. I cried my eyes out for three hours and called him when he yelled at me and said that because I wouldn't let him have friends that smoke pot that I was a bad girl friend and all this other shit. He told me I should trust him and all of this shit. Despite the fact that he has never given me any reason to do so. I am not okay with him and he dosnt even seem to care. So I guess this is a loveless relationship and I'm condemed to live out my days as a lifeless shell of a human being. This sucks and I hate it here I wish I had a home to go back to. I guess this is what being homeless really means. I have a roof over my head, but no home.

Until next time,

SM

I talked to one of the girls I work with and she said that it's most likely water weight so I should be able to work it off pretty quick. She said that woman naturally fluctuate up and down so it shouldn't be a problem. I'm hoping that it goes away quickly. I'm so tired and I broke up with Kelvin last night. :( I'm so tired of his bullshit. He only cares about himself. I'm just some girl he is fucking. Well fuck him too then. I don't need him. Or his shit if he wants to be alone then fine with me! Screw him!

Fuck my life.

163. Shoot me now please.

Not having the greatest day ever.

So right now I weigh in at 161 pounds. Considerably less than about a month ago. The trouble is that I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. Last night all my friends and I went out bar hopping. Before you ask I didn't drink anything but water and I ate nothing. That is until Kelvin got there. He drank three beers and ordered jalapeno poppers which are my absolute favorite food in the entire world, other than New York cheese pizza, he then proceeded to convince me to eat one. I wont lie I wanted one so bad but I gave into the craving and I snagged one and gulped it down with the viciousness of a starving caged animal. I feel like I gave in to easily, like I should have held out and took one home and ate it this morning. Not to mention that I gained half of a pound from when I weighted myself yesterday.

I feel like a fucking fat ass, and while I know one jalapeno popper is not enough to make me gain half a pound over night I knew I shouldn't have done it and I did anyways. I feel like I asked for this. I think the worst part of it all is that I have been having a hell of a time not following the rest of my urges and just eating how much of what ever I want. I feel sickened by myself and by my actions. I need to get a grip on myself quickly because if I don't then all of this bad behavior is going to make me gain all of the weight back and then some.

So today I went on a small walk sweetened my tea with Splenda and am hoping that by tonight it is at the bare minimum back at 160.5. I may do some crunches just to make sure that I'm working my tummy down to a more positive level.

Keep me in your thoughts! I'm going to need it.

-SM

I've lost some weight! Go me!

I'm down to 168! And I've lost about a pound every two days for about a week now. I should be down to 155 in like five weeks! Or so says the weight tracker app I downloaded for my iPhone. :) I am very excited about the chance to finally feel pretty. Overall I have been taking this pill called hoodia and with a touch of self control I have been able to turn down just about every bad thing I usually would eat and overindulge in. On average I eat about 800 calories a day and have been excersizing as much as I can. I figure if I keep at it then I can be skinny in no time! I am pretty excited about everything going on these days and life is definitely looking better.

I have been enjoying this diet although some days are harder than others. I do feel like I would love some cookies or Jack In The Box curly fries, but I know better than to cheat on my diet. I feel like with enough self control I could rule the world.

Until next time,

Mayhem

Emergency Rooms Are My Own Personal Form Of Hell.

Last night I spent several hours in the emergency room. I cut a three inch wide one and a half inch deep slice in my arm. Now I am home alone scared to death of the fucking bill and I have no idea on how to pay my rent after a six hundred dollar Hospital bill.

And that is not including the doctors bill that is coming in the mail.

Fuck my life.

I am ready to fucking kill something.

And my arm fucking hurts.

Mayhem

Update on life.

172.5 pounds, not bad but not great either. Fuck my life.

By the way my roomate is pissed off. Kelvin pissed him off by saying that he can smoke in the house anymore. Don't get me wrong I agree with him. The smell of his room is discusting and I don't want it in our house but it is all he does. So we agreed before he even moved in that he could smoke in his room.

I don't think that I will have a room mate for very long.

Mayhem

Kel says that I have been eating fine amounts so I think I should cut it back a bit more. I ate one mango a small salad and 1/3 of a large chicken wrap. I am subsequently skipping dinner. I bought my very first scale today and I weighed myself for the first time in 3 months. I have lost 14 pounds which isn't bad but not nearly good enough. I weight 175 pounds. I figure that 130 is a good weight to shoot for. That's 45 pounds to lose. That is a fuck ton of work and I figure it is going to suck mad balls.

But I am going to do it and my homi Liz is going to help me out. [Yes I did just say homi.] She said that she just got a gym membership and I can't wait to go with her it is going to rock. I miss working out all the time. It was so much fun!

So my dear readers let me know what you think, if anyone is still reading that is. If not then I will just have to keep on posting to keep myself motivated. You never know when people are going to stumble upon my blog and send me words of wisdom. :]

Maybe I should post pictures of my meals that would be lots of fun!

I'll keep you posted. But until then...
Goodnight.

Mayhem

I almost died yesterday.

I took this energy pill called a blackjax, it was supposed to make me feel awake. I felt like I was having a heart attack for eight hours. I don't know if anyone who reads this has ever overdosed on Cocaine but it was exactly like that. Only way worse.

I honestly and truly felt like I was going to die.

And it scared the hell out of me.

I have barely eaten in going on four days now but I feel like it is a good thing. Don't get me wrong I'm not anorexic or anything like that. I've been eating one good meal in the morning and taking my multivitamin. Apparently I'm extremely anemic and never even knew I had an iron deficiency. But I really need to lose some weight. :[

I haven't yet weighed myself or taken my measurements but I am thinking that I should soon. If I do I will try to post them up here so I can't take it back or change it. Knowing me being the neglectful blogger that I am I will most likely forget it so call me and remind me as soon as possible.

Also for a random side note I have decided to try a pill one of my coworkers is taking. It is called Fruta Planta. I've read up on it and it seems like it either really works or makes you sick but my friend at work has lost weight and done next to nothing but eat a little bit healthier. I think it is great! So I am gonna try it. Hopefully I don't have a heart attack or another seizure.

So for now my dear readers, [if any of you are still out there reading] I must bid you goodnight.

Wish me Luck!

Mayhem

So.... I thought we were gonna be cool.

But I guess we are not. 

Call me when were friends again. 

I'm fed the fuck up.

So I've been trying to lose weight forever, and recently with my going to california I've just been skipping the gym and eating healthy to hang out with some people and fucking around a lot. I'm really tired of me. Like what the fuck am I doing? Jesus christ, I'm a fat ugly whale. FUCK MY LIFE.

So I'm not going to eat anything bad for me until I lose all this fucking weight. Again.

I am so ready, to be back where I used to be, I've even thought about getting back on my nefarious drug habits to lose some weight. not permanently of course just long enough to get skinny. :] It could work, with the exception that I will lose my job. That shit would just suck. So I suppose unless I find a job where they don't drug test that isn't an option. :/ I will eventually make this shit work. I just don't know how yet.

Keep me in your thoughts. :]