So today I ate under 500 calories total for the whole day. I don't feel like I've done well it's like I should have tried harder or something. I don't know. I will weigh myself in the morning and let you know what's up!

SM

Fuck my life.

185.5. I'm hoping that it's water weight and that it will drop off quick. I'm grumpy as hell. Someone want to go party? Because I do!

I need a pick me up.
SM

Just a bit more to go.

157.5 not bad at all but not good enough. I want to lost at least another 20 pounds or so before winter hits and that's like a month or two away. Hopefully I can finally buy a cute Halloween costume and wear it to the Halloween party I'm gonna throw. :) wish me luck!

So I'm miserable but what else is new. I didn't weigh myself this morning and I don't think I want to after I ate because the whole thing will be fucked up. I don't know what to do about the whole Kelvin issue. He dosnt even act like he cares about me. I feel so alone and he dosnt even want to try and fix our relationship. It's been shit this whole time and I'm scared and alone constantly.

Not to mention that last night I was molested by a total creep who refused to listen to the word no. Kelvin didn't seem to care when I told him. Guess that's how boys are. Fuck them. Although he did leave me alone after I threatened him with a knife. Wonderful how that is isn't it.

The worst part is that my two friends were there treating me like a third wheel and fucking two random dudes in a swimming pool. And since I refused to go skinny dipping I was hassled called names and overall treated like shit. Needless to say I grabbed my shit and started walking home. Kelvin did come get me after I called him and begged him to come save me. He reluctanty agreed and then proceeded to ignore me before he dropped me off at his apartment and left to his dads house for the night. I cried my eyes out for three hours and called him when he yelled at me and said that because I wouldn't let him have friends that smoke pot that I was a bad girl friend and all this other shit. He told me I should trust him and all of this shit. Despite the fact that he has never given me any reason to do so. I am not okay with him and he dosnt even seem to care. So I guess this is a loveless relationship and I'm condemed to live out my days as a lifeless shell of a human being. This sucks and I hate it here I wish I had a home to go back to. I guess this is what being homeless really means. I have a roof over my head, but no home.

Until next time,

SM

I talked to one of the girls I work with and she said that it's most likely water weight so I should be able to work it off pretty quick. She said that woman naturally fluctuate up and down so it shouldn't be a problem. I'm hoping that it goes away quickly. I'm so tired and I broke up with Kelvin last night. :( I'm so tired of his bullshit. He only cares about himself. I'm just some girl he is fucking. Well fuck him too then. I don't need him. Or his shit if he wants to be alone then fine with me! Screw him!

Fuck my life.

163. Shoot me now please.

Not having the greatest day ever.

So right now I weigh in at 161 pounds. Considerably less than about a month ago. The trouble is that I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. Last night all my friends and I went out bar hopping. Before you ask I didn't drink anything but water and I ate nothing. That is until Kelvin got there. He drank three beers and ordered jalapeno poppers which are my absolute favorite food in the entire world, other than New York cheese pizza, he then proceeded to convince me to eat one. I wont lie I wanted one so bad but I gave into the craving and I snagged one and gulped it down with the viciousness of a starving caged animal. I feel like I gave in to easily, like I should have held out and took one home and ate it this morning. Not to mention that I gained half of a pound from when I weighted myself yesterday.

I feel like a fucking fat ass, and while I know one jalapeno popper is not enough to make me gain half a pound over night I knew I shouldn't have done it and I did anyways. I feel like I asked for this. I think the worst part of it all is that I have been having a hell of a time not following the rest of my urges and just eating how much of what ever I want. I feel sickened by myself and by my actions. I need to get a grip on myself quickly because if I don't then all of this bad behavior is going to make me gain all of the weight back and then some.

So today I went on a small walk sweetened my tea with Splenda and am hoping that by tonight it is at the bare minimum back at 160.5. I may do some crunches just to make sure that I'm working my tummy down to a more positive level.

Keep me in your thoughts! I'm going to need it.

-SM

I've lost some weight! Go me!

I'm down to 168! And I've lost about a pound every two days for about a week now. I should be down to 155 in like five weeks! Or so says the weight tracker app I downloaded for my iPhone. :) I am very excited about the chance to finally feel pretty. Overall I have been taking this pill called hoodia and with a touch of self control I have been able to turn down just about every bad thing I usually would eat and overindulge in. On average I eat about 800 calories a day and have been excersizing as much as I can. I figure if I keep at it then I can be skinny in no time! I am pretty excited about everything going on these days and life is definitely looking better.

I have been enjoying this diet although some days are harder than others. I do feel like I would love some cookies or Jack In The Box curly fries, but I know better than to cheat on my diet. I feel like with enough self control I could rule the world.

Until next time,

Mayhem